Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

So glad your family are there. Lock/chain/bolt the door so he can’t get in.
Email him with contact schedule. Make it clear he mustn’t show up unannounced at your home.
Yes the child will need to see him but above all your little boy needs routine and stability with you. Don’t be bullied into playing happy families at Christmas.
You have no obligation to speak to him or text him. Hopefully your sister or mum can help with contact handover.
Please ring Solicitor tomorrow and make an appointment for January.
Practicalities - bank accounts (you don’t want him cleaning it out), financial docs and an STI test for you.
Lean on your real life support.
He’s utterly vile. He’s left you doing chores and childcare when he’s been off gallivanting and with her. Had audacity to blame you for not being ‘fun’ and lied to your face when he said no ow.
You are doing so well. Stay strong.

These are generally weak men, with low emotional intelligence who make poor decisions based on ego.

Totally agree with this

So sorry that an ow has indeed been discovered.

While many of us thought so doesn't mean we wanted it to be the case.

You can get through this op many of us have

Now as pps said at least you KNOW it wasn't anything you did wrong - ignore any of his crap that is him arguing that you made him have an affair - my ex tried that crap too it took me years to realise what utter bullshit it was!

If you have joint accounts as a matter or urgency move your money to an account that's solely yours preferably one in a completely different banking group (voice of bitter experience here)

Notify all agencies you deal with on joint account of change to sole account (excepting those who really are your now exs concern)

AFTER you've done that and any monies normally paid in to joint account that are for you or baby (eg child benefit) notify the joint account bank that the relationship has broken down and you want your name removed from it.

As fluffy said collate all legal, financial and official documentation etc and store in a safe place. Notify relevant authorities

Ideally I wouldn't allow him into the former family home at all, certainly not when you're not there.

My ex in dead of night took the car and then on a day he knew I'd be out (check up for dd) he went in the house and took the computer and other valuables

Please please protect yourself financially and legally

My exs ow waivered at the time of the definite split and ex then tried wheedling his way back in with me (yes this was AFTER wiping the bank accounts and taking car etc! As if!)...then she found out she was pregnant!

I’d tell the dh, if your going down you take her with you.

Yes I know many on mn disagree but I think he deserves to know too. Plus why should she get off Scot free?!

"My" ow was single, but I ensured that ex and ows mutual army boss knew!

Sadly yes I think a full sti screening is in order too. 4 peoples various sexual histories involved here

...Op, what is it you would like to happen next?

@AB10

I’m going to stop replying now. I think I have to start being as distanced from him as he has with me. Before he left, he told me he despised me, now he’s saying I’m a great person and mum. What a warped view.

Perhaps his lady fair wasn't all that keen to take him in? So he's tr?ying to keep a foot in your door?

You are so strong OP, there’s so much brightness in your future even if it doesn’t feel like it now

I'm so sorry OP. I was in a similar position early this year and for the first few days it was so physically painful I felt like my head was going to explode. I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. But remarkably quickly it got better and I was happier than I'd been in years. I was more engaged with my baby and more present in life generally because I wasn't questioning things constantly anymore. My life is peaceful, calm and happy now but if you'd asked me a year ago this would have been my absolute worst fear.

If you go it alone I seriously advise you to take out a child maintenance claim ASAP. Chain on the door. Copies of everything. Solicitor asap. Boundaries boundaries boundaries. Don't make the mistake of thinking you're dealing with a friend. This man is now a stranger and you are out for yourself and your son only. Assume he will screw you over at every opportunity and defend yourself against it.

I know it hurts like hell now but you will be fine. Better than fine. And sooner than you think.

You are the better person.
Much love to you.

Stay as strong as you can, and look after yourself .
You aand your child are the most important people here. Don’t forget that

Thanks everyone. It’s just been the most awful day. I found out looking through work emails. I nearly missed as I know of the woman and knew she was married with two young children. I only happened on one seedy message then the rest unravelled. Her husband knows, I told him, I just had to. I contacted her first to give her an opportunity. She replied with I don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband had already admitted. I gave her the chance then I told him. I apologised but I had to. He is a lovely man who is equally devastated. What a horrible horrible situation. I feel like I’m drowning. I just feel so sad for my DS.

you did the right thing
What an awful situation for you all.
It makes his behaviour very explainable though - it was clear he was looking elsewhere. Fucking idiot.

Take care of yourself

You have been so amazingly strong today.

You did the right thing. Her h deserves to know. I suspect she is treating him equally badly and he won't know why.

He has a right to know he’s been cheated on. He’d feel terrible if he found out years later after you’ve done nice thing for each other and thought everything was good between you. You’d just feel stupid then.

You’ve taken control back from them.

@AB10

Thanks everyone. It’s just been the most awful day. I found out looking through work emails. I nearly missed as I know of the woman and knew she was married with two young children. I only happened on one seedy message then the rest unravelled. Her husband knows, I told him, I just had to. I contacted her first to give her an opportunity. She replied with I don’t know what you’re talking about. My husband had already admitted. I gave her the chance then I told him. I apologised but I had to. He is a lovely man who is equally devastated. What a horrible horrible situation. I feel like I’m drowning. I just feel so sad for my DS.

You did well. Takes 2 to tango. She probably thought she could get away with it and stay with her husband.

Her h deserves to know he is with a cheating spouse.

The two deserve each other.

You did the right thing.

I'm so sorry for both you and you son, and that woman's family. Always a kicker but especially hard at Christmas.

It was emails how I got confirmation too the idiot hadn't logged out!

You've done the right thing telling her husband

I suspect she was staying with the husband initially for financial security rather than love.

You are doing so well

Get the financial and legal stuff prepped for tomorrow when you can contact banks, council etc

So sorry OP.

Oh shit OP just caught up on your updates. So so sorry this is happening to you. It's bloody awful. What a bastard!

I've been through/am going through a similar situation though mine took much longer to unravel. You're going to have some really rough times but take strength and hope from your lovely DS and supportive family. I hope you can take some comfort also from all the supportive posters on here who have been through so much. Good luck to you

Your son is going to grow up with such a lot of admiration for his strong, amazing mum.

Take each day as it comes op, the emotional storm will pass and you'll adjust to your new reality more quickly than you think.

In the meantime, as well as you're family, we're here rooting for you.

The two cheaters will now know the truest adage ever. The grass is never greener, it isn't worth it, affairs ruin lives.

So sorry you're on the receiving end of this, Op. just horrid.

😢my heart sank for you when I read your update. So sorry for everything you’re going through.

How do I get through this? I just feel like I’m drowning.

You will get through this. The grief will be drowning you right now but in time you will see how resilient you are. Find strength in the love for your son. You sound like an amazing mother and person. Take it minute by minute and be kind to yourself right now.

Just have to take it one day at a time - one hour at a time will do for now. You can do this

It's so shit OP, I remember it well. You will get through this and you and the DC will be okay