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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 12:07

While the anti snooping lobby on here will disagree (how often has snooping helped someone with a (true) instinct or facing behaviour like this .... a lot) I would be using any means you have to snoop on him, see if you can find any enlightening information .... do you know any passwords for emails etc? Can you locate his phone with yours etc. Can you get access to his phone when he's visiting son?

There's something going on in the baxkground, it might help you if you're not so in the dark.

toddybell · 19/12/2021 12:07

ODFOD @Specsandflowers

Original poster
AB10 · 19/12/2021 12:22

There is another woman at work. She is also married with two young children. I don’t think I can do this.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/12/2021 12:27

@AB10

There is another woman at work. She is also married with two young children. I don’t think I can do this.
Oh my love 😞

Has he come clean then?

Arsehole. Absolute arsehole.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2021 12:31

I’m sorry OP but it’s so predictable. You can do this. You are doing so well. Do not let him in house. Don’t respond to text.
Has he volunteered this info or have you found out?
He’s despicable.

shabbadababa · 19/12/2021 12:33

If my husband told.me he isn't in love with me but has love for me that would be the last straw for me personally. I wouldn't be sticking round for someone to feel like he literally resents me for crying after moving home. I wouldn't be there for him to have an affair either. Because the way he's speaking about you is like he genuinely doesn't want nothing to do with you unfortunately..he wants fun and he will go find that very soon! Get our and heal while you can!

ProudThrilledHappy · 19/12/2021 12:33

Oh op I’m so sorry, but I hope now you see that the fault was never with you - he was checking out and digging at you to make him feel less guilty Flowers

SocialConnection · 19/12/2021 12:36

I'm so sorry. The script's playing out, and there are plenty of women here who've been on the receiving end and can guide and support you on how to cope with it all. Obviously she has no intention of upsetting her own nice cosy set up for a drama she helped cause and he's realising he can't just skip happily into a new life with her. You have a brilliant supportive team here.

StellaGibson118 · 19/12/2021 12:37

I'm so sorry. I suspected as much as he shows the classic signs. I'm really so sad for you. Please DO NOT blame yourself for him cheating, or let him blame you.

IgneousRock · 19/12/2021 12:38

Oh OP Sad I'm so sorry. What happened? Did he tell you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/12/2021 12:43

He's probably realised that she's not leaving her husband and that hes burned his bridges with you when it comes to a relationship (obviously you'll still be co-parents) and is now facing the cold, harsh and justified reality, that he now has neither of you.

He probably expected her to want him.

He probably expected you to beg him back.

What a fucking idiot.

Please do lean on your loved ones (and us MNetters) as much as you need over Christmas and beyond as this is the shit bit. There's no point pretending otherwise as it's the truth.

But you have your lovely family and lovely little boy, your friends and a nest of vipers here who all think he's a fucking prick. Because he is.

Stupid, stupid man.

I can't imagine ever telling someone I despise them. The fact he did it just because he panicked and wanted to make you the 'bad guy' is absolutely pathetic. Because it wasn't even true.

toddybell · 19/12/2021 12:46

@SocialConnection

I'm so sorry. The script's playing out, and there are plenty of women here who've been on the receiving end and can guide and support you on how to cope with it all. Obviously she has no intention of upsetting her own nice cosy set up for a drama she helped cause and he's realising he can't just skip happily into a new life with her. You have a brilliant supportive team here.

This.

shabbadababa · 19/12/2021 12:47

It's funny how he said he can't deal with not seeing his son, as basically he will just put up being with you so he can see his son. You still don't mean nothing to him clearly.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 12:47

She must not be quite ready to leave, or in flux about leavjng, hence his behaviour.

He's probably also nervous/jumpy/ indecisive about leaving the familiar for the relatively unknown.

They're both fools.

Blowing up two families for something that will prove itself just like any other relationship in time nothing special or different.

He sounds like a selfish, spoilt man anyway. Shel have her work cut out for her with two kids, a step kid etc with that golfing, selfish manchild. Bet she doesn't reached he barely lifts a finger at home.

If they even get into a lasting relationship.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 12:49

*Bet she doesn't reached he barely lifts a finger at home

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 12:50

Uugh - realise

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 12:55

(And yes, it's possible she won't leave at all, as posters have said).

He's so selfish, he'll probably try to get you to you to be his emotional support through this episode, on top of everything else.

You see thst on here too.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/12/2021 12:55

Right, thought so. You can do this. It’s going to hurt like hell but you will get through to the other side.

You’re in the house so get all paperwork about mortgage, pensions, both your passports, P60’s, receipts for big purchases etc to your mums or your sisters.

Ring your dr and ask to be signed off due to stress till after Xmas.

Ring the council tax and tell them your dh has moved out to an unknown address and get a reduction in council tax.

Apply for tax credits.

If he harasses you phone the police. We had to do this when dh split up from his ex. They will help.

I’m in a situation I don’t want to be in either but I get through day by day.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 19/12/2021 12:56

@AB10

There is another woman at work. She is also married with two young children. I don’t think I can do this.
Sorry OP. It’s a tale as old as time. It’s what everyone here has been saying.

Men don’t check out of marriages unless they have a soft landing.

He CANNOT come to the family home anymore.
Get your mum and family over to enforce that if he dares show up.
Get a contact schedule for your son in place.

Get practical. Get angry.

He is going to become awful now that his secret is out.

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/12/2021 12:56

Both your P60’s too. He can get copies from the tax office if he needs it.

Loudestcat14 · 19/12/2021 13:03

Oh OP, I am so so sorry. The absolute bastard. See, none of this was your fault. He character assassinated you to make you feel like you were in the wrong and to hide what he was doing.

Hang on to that fury because, yes, you can do this. You're already doing it! Carry on being as awesome and as strong as you have been, and we are all here to support you whenever you need to vent. Flowers

Dibble135 · 19/12/2021 13:07

It doesn’t feel like it now op but take it from someone who has been there, this is the start of a new and better life for you.

You can now be certain this is him and not you. Your pnd was probably a symptom of an unsupportive partner who followed his pecker to what he thought was greener pastures.

You are worth 1000 more than that. Time to show him.

People hate change which is why you will struggle to adjust but you will. Focus on your son and the people who really love you.

Anytime you waiver, remember he told you he despised you to cover his tracks.

You got this.

OhamIreally · 19/12/2021 13:16

Sorry OP. To add to Fluffy's list passports and your son's birth certificate.

This Christmas will be so hard for you there's no getting round it. Each obstacle you overcome though will be you getting stronger. Tell yourself that next Christmas will be better. In a year's time you will look back and marvel at how far you've come.

Tiredofbs123 · 19/12/2021 13:19

I am so so sorry @AB10 what a vile pair they are.

It is so predictable, it makes me so angry.

I hope you can see that all those awful things he was saying were just to cover his nasty tracks.

I am beyond angry on behalf of you and your son. You need to really lace up those botch boots now. He’s made his nasty bed let him lie on it!

You can do this… huge hugs!

TopCatsTopHat · 19/12/2021 13:21

Turn to the people who love you and have never let you down. Remind yourself that being a source of stability warmth and love is the default and being disloyal and two faced is not normal between living adults.
Do not allow him access to the family home anymore he can't be trusted to put your interests first and he may abuse your trust in that way too.
Curl up and hibernate if you need to. Be honest with your ds (in an age appropriate way) so he isn't scared by your unhappiness being mysterious. Tell him mummy might be sad sometimes at the moment but you are strong and it doesn't mean he needs to worry because we all have things that make us sad sometimes but we overcome them and things will be happy again in the future. This is true even if you don't feel it right now.