Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 ··· 18 19 20 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/12/2021 08:26

You can fit a chain to the front door to stop him walking in while your in.

When people are like this their trying to find out what works so they try anger, remorse, crying, silent treatment.

I have an in law still throwing tantrums in her old age because it works. If she knew what people said about it behind her back she might think twice and when her parents are gone she’ll have lost her main audience.

Treacletoots · 19/12/2021 08:31

Just wanted to say how well you're doing OP. The next time I see a thread where the OP is desperately doing the pick me dance to a shitbag of a husband who has royally fucked them over, I will point them to this.

Your strength, resolve and respect for yourself is utterly admirable and we all have your back OP. You deserve better.

Original poster

AB10 · 19/12/2021 08:43

Thank you everyone. It is so difficult being cold and strict with surrounding boundaries. I feel awful so thank you for all the support.
I had tickets booked for the pantomime today, all of us along with my sister and niece. We are all still going although of course my husband is not. I hope I can continue to stay strong.

OP posts:

Fluffycloudland77 · 19/12/2021 08:48

Of course it is. You just want your life back to how it was. You shouldn’t be up late at night posting on mumsnet about how horrible he’s been to you, you should be asleep next to him but he’s decided to pull the rug from under you.

We knew a man who did this right before Xmas when his dw was pg with their third and went off back to his ex gf from years ago. She had no idea.

JennyForeigner · 19/12/2021 08:56

OP, just wanted to say I think you are amazing. I've read all of your posts on this thread together and you have moved so far in just a few days. If you can be this strong so close to the crisis you have it in you to cope whatever happens, and to make a great life for yourself and your son.

Aside from that, the other thing was that I had PND which became OCD - a common development. I also cleaned and also focused on my son while my husband got depressed and started talking about how he doesn't get enough fun any more. And that's also the model I grew up with. My dad left when my younger sister was six months old.

If you still have any traces of worry that it was you who needed to change fuck that off once and for all. We tidy and order because it keeps our babies safe. In early years it is a survival strategy for parents as well as kids.

As someone who has been there, if you feel guilt about having experienced PND, it is so easy to twist that into suggesting that the perfectly normal and appropriate work of good parenting - picking toys up at night - is connected to an illness you have substantially put behind you. That's manipulative and shitty, and you have to ask yourself how he would react if you didn't do all the parenting labour. No doubt at all that he would be complaining about an imperfect home, God forbid that he clean it himself.

Tell him to get himself to counseling before he even dares attempt to re-engage with you, and it wouldn't hurt for you too now. He has destroyed your trust and your marriage. The least he can do is fix himself before he hurts you further.

JennyForeigner · 19/12/2021 09:09

Perhaps I should add that having grown up with this, the first time my husband made noises about 'fun' I handed him his car keys and sent him back to his mum for an absolute kicking. I am so sorry that circumstances have ganged up on you as well as your husband, so this is not an option for you.

Loudestcat14 · 19/12/2021 09:51

@AB10

Thank you everyone. It is so difficult being cold and strict with surrounding boundaries. I feel awful so thank you for all the support. I had tickets booked for the pantomime today, all of us along with my sister and niece. We are all still going although of course my husband is not. I hope I can continue to stay strong.

Of course it's hard, you still love him. It's still very, very early days. And unless he does a complete reversal and says he never meant a word of the vicious, cruel stuff he said and is able to convince you he is being 100% genuine and will never, ever pull the same stunt again and walk out again (and that there's definitely no OW lurking in the shadows), what choice do you have right now? You need to protect your heart, and your son's, and you need space to decide what to do next. Don't feel bad for asking for that and for putting boundaries in place to let that happen.

Enjoy the panto today. What a lovely distraction that will be! x

OhamIreally · 19/12/2021 10:26

You will find the panto hard OP. The first few lovely family things I did alone with DD I shed tears because this wasn't how things were supposed to be.
Your chest will ache but you will put on a brave face for your son and your reward will be to see him happy and laughing.
Your husband on the other hand will miss that magic of seeing his son laughing at the panto.

What arses men are.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 10:56

Why can't he see you son at his Mum's house (aside from bedtime stories... which tbh sound like they could become an ordeal for you most evenings, maybe that habit should be weaned down) ??

Why are you having to host/accommodate his access all the time. Hes just using it to try to keep one foot in your camp.

Flow I think he utterly panicked when you saud youd cime to the rugby match his female colleague was attending. He couldn't have you at the same place because of their relationship (even if it's only a fledgling relationship or even if he's thought its more than it is at this point), hr couldn't think.of one excuse that made any sense to stop you from going, so he just plain panicked and packed the bag/walked out. He went nuclear in his panic.

It appears for whatever reasons, he was too precipitous and its not quite working out the way he thought it was or he's not ready to leave you yet ..... so now he's trying to back track and get a firm foot in both camps tol he decides what to do.

Posters are right that your response is also the reason for it, he thought you'd be 200% available, begging etc but you're not so he's trying to get things back on the keel he wants (you, as the sure thing plus whatever he's got going with ow/love interest there as an option if and when he wants it).

Fireflygal · 19/12/2021 10:59

How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

He need to despise you to leave but now away from you he is realising the impact. This feels so stereotypical, a man who had an affair and left his wife told me he felt terrible for hurting his wife and he was missing his children but he had to follow through as was in love with OW. Reality however, it was lust and after a few years the novelty had worn off. These are generally weak men, with low emotional intelligence who make poor decisions based on ego.

What is he apologising for?

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:00

100% (!) but I suppose anything 100 or I've works.

He meanwhile is not 100% sure he wants to leave you, yet. So he wants both options.He'll do what he thinks he needs to to have you back as a firm option til he how things pan out/whether he leaves permanently etc.

He's using his child to achieve that too, both physically and emotionally.... Great father and person that he is.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:03

Were uou doing all the night feeds and waking btw?

Sleep deprivation is thought to be a major factor on pnd.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:05

He also sounds like a selfish Chauvinist, out golfing while presumably you look after your child alone. Did you have equivalent hobby/time out, or is it somehow always him getting it and you being default child carer (and you work ft too?).

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:07

Were you getting the drinks and nights out (that he's used to form some sort of alternative relationship, cheat essentially) as well?

Doubt it.

He said "wee man", that sounds Scottish or Northern Irish or Irish .... I'm in NI and I find the chauvinism and perfect wife & mother bullshit to be still strong here.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:13

Op, if you take him back, I have a feeling he'll either do this again, in the bear future.

Or even if he doesnt (in the near future with this presumed love interest/ow), he'll probably repeat it again some time in future.

He's a shit investment.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:15

Also sounds like an unequal/unfair relationship all along.

Newgirls · 19/12/2021 11:15

@AB10

Thank you everyone. It is so difficult being cold and strict with surrounding boundaries. I feel awful so thank you for all the support. I had tickets booked for the pantomime today, all of us along with my sister and niece. We are all still going although of course my husband is not. I hope I can continue to stay strong.

Plenty of people go to the theatre with family and friends - you will have a lovely time. His loss.

AnnaMagnani · 19/12/2021 11:18

How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

Because he didn't actually despise you, he just needed to in order to justify leaving you for the new woman at work.

Unfortunately it seems things weren't actually as for on with new woman at work as he imagined in his head - possibly she was just going on work nights out and laughing at his jokes, but in his head he had a whole relationship lined up.

He's totally forgotten that you are a whole live human being with feelings and opinions, not a bit part actor in his movie - so when he announced he despised you and he was leaving he has been utterly shocked to discover that you hadn't read your lines and have emotions of your own, and are frankly disgusted with him. He thought he was the hero!

Now he's ended up with no women at all, when he was supposed to be able to pick from 2, he's remembered that he misses his son and the whole thing has turned into a disaster.

He's hoping you are an idiot who will forgive and forget until the next time

Didimum · 19/12/2021 11:20

He’s doing this because he’s trying to control you, OP. He’s trying to control your time, your schedule and your emotions. This will no doubt be the hardest thing you may ever go through but you have more strength than you realise.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/12/2021 11:32

Good on you OP. You are doing so well. Enjoy the panto. Be prepared in case he turns up at theatre - don’t take his ticket. He can’t expect to just turn up as he sees fit.
You don’t need to speak to him. He’s left. You need space to process. You won’t be criticised for not speaking to him. You are doing what is best for your son by not having him flit in and out, children need stability.
Email him re contact. Don’t be guilted into Christmas Day family time. He’s chosen to break up family.
A chain on door is good idea.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 19/12/2021 11:33

He told you he despised you. He walked out on you and your son. Now he's got the cheek to be having a pity party, sobbing in front of you. Pathetic. He's not sobbing for the hurt he's caused his family. He's sobbing for the hurt he's caused himself.

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2021 11:41

The way he's treating you is manipulative and intimidating, OP. I wonder if it might be a good idea to send a version of the email minuteslynn drafted out a few pages back, which clearly sets out your need for space, and add in some instructions regarding the schedule for xmas/school holidays. Tell him the schedule is set in stone. There'll be no talking/discussions between you until the new year, and then you will only talk to him in the presence of a third party (counsellor). I think you need this to protect yourself from his manipulation.

Other than that, just keep grey rocking. It will get easier. I agree so much with pp, you are amazing. Your husband thought he could abuse you emotionally and you would beg for more. It must be a horrible shock to him that you've stood up for yourself

beastlyslumber · 19/12/2021 11:42

Oh and chain on door/change the locks.

Allsortsofroses · 19/12/2021 11:45

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Yeah he's suddenly realised he can't have cosy home with wifey and child, and also exciting, fresh love interest/ow/freedom at the same time, and the poor dear is upset & torn.

Also probably upset because you don't appear to be playing your role he expects you, you're not begging enough. He's not liking not having you as an option (and an emotional crutch).

MercedesBenz · 19/12/2021 12:01

Op de lurking to comment on how well you are doing

Please DO NOT let him attend the PANTO , I would go out early in case he turns up to attend ( cos he sounds the sort to do that )

No bedtime story tonight , baby is too tired , etc

Cut him out

Hope ur doing ok and have a great day

Flip

1 2 ··· 18 19 20 ··· 39 40