Page 18 | Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

AB10 · 2021-12-16T15:23:10+00:00

Hi everyone, Just looking for some support. Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband. Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that? He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

StellaGibson118 · 18/12/2021 21:20

My ex did this. It was intimidating. I put a stop to it in the end but let it go on a while as his name was on the house so legally he could be there. Confused the kids & was manipulative on his part.

Red flag once again

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/12/2021 21:27

@Loudestcat14

I had a feeling he’d pull a stunt like this. Do what you did last night and grey rock him so he returns to his parents’ house. Then tomorrow text him to say he cannot turn up whenever he wants and you will draw up a schedule for him to see his son.

Absolutely this, rather than getting drawn into an argument tonight.

You poor thing, he really is such a selfish prick.

timeisnotaline · 18/12/2021 21:29

Don’t have a conversation about anything now. You don’t have to talk about it just because he’s elbowed his way into your home. ‘I think you should leave now, we didn’t agree for you to visit now. We can talk later.’

Dixiechickonhols · 18/12/2021 21:39

I hope he’s left. He can of course have contact with DS but not coming and going as he pleases. It’s cruel to you and confusing to DS. Tomorrow send him the email and suggested contact arrangements. Can you bolt door, blinds down so there isn’t a repeat of tonight. He’s absolutely deluded.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 18/12/2021 21:40

@timeisnotaline

Don’t have a conversation about anything now. You don’t have to talk about it just because he’s elbowed his way into your home. ‘I think you should leave now, we didn’t agree for you to visit now. We can talk later.’

This is perfect.

RockinHorseShit · 18/12/2021 21:50

I'm sorry, but I'm with the others, there's a woman at work who has turned his head & tells him how funny he is.

He is projecting his guilt at wanting to break his marriage vows/family back onto you & making it all your fault. You are working at a marriage & are grown up enough to know you have dealt/are dealing with difficult family circumstances, so it's not easy. He has checked out mentally, but doesn't want to look like the bad guy, so he's gaslighting yiu & making it all your fault. It's textbook.

I'm with your sister, take back the power in this & turn it back on him, no more begging, no more taking the blame. He is doing this, not you. Tell him to move out as you need space to consider your options with a clear head, a man who doesn't know if he's committed enough, is not good enough & he either realises what he's losing, or ships out so you can find someone who deserves you.

💐

Dixiechickonhols · 18/12/2021 21:53

He’s not a good father. He walked out on his child assuming you’d care for him without asking knowing you would be in emotional turmoil. He did it in front of your child.
Good fathers don’t despise the mothers of their children.
Now he’s popping in and out of his life. Who has made your sons meals, cared for him, bathed him despite being at your lowest since he left - you.
Stay strong OP. I wonder if he’s not told his parents?

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 18/12/2021 22:01

He's been selfish and cruel by saying what he said and leaving when he wanted to. He's being selfish now by turning up on your doorstep when he wants and messing with your head.

I agree with pp that you spell it out to him that he can't keep coming and going on a whim, these are the days he sees and that helps ds with knowing what to expect

RockinHorseShit · 18/12/2021 22:15

I missed updates. AB, you are amazing, don't crumble, show him exactly what he's losing. The you that is strong enough to manage just fine without him. I still think he's had his head turned, thought he had a choice, you or her & would try his luck & blaming you means he can crawl back to you if it didn't work out. You are showing him that the power is all yours

Original poster

AB10 · 19/12/2021 00:51

Thanks everyone. He is back at his parents. It was hard tonight. He is loosing that cold callousness from before and I can see some of my husband coming back but I know that that is not right either. How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 19/12/2021 00:52

@AB10

Thanks everyone. He is back at his parents. It was hard tonight. He is loosing that cold callousness from before and I can see some of my husband coming back but I know that that is not right either. How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

Because this hasn't turned into the fairy tale he thought it was going to be.

ProudThrilledHappy · 19/12/2021 01:04

Have you set some clear boundaries about his visiting from now on op?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/12/2021 01:20

How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

Because you haven't adhered to the narrative he expected where you'd beg him to stay and desperately want to talk to him, persuade him you should stay together etc. He never thought you'd call his bluff. Please prepare yourself for him to go back to cold and callous again and saying he tried to fix it and you didn't. It's NOT true. He broke it, he told you he despised you and was never happy. It's beyond cruel. He then walked out on you AND HIS SON, assuming you'd pick up the pieces and care for your son alone. He is an arrogant twat whose bluff has been called and he's panicking.

Let him panic. Stay cool and calm to his face. Use this time to speak to a solicitor and do some financial planning, so you're ready for when he turns nasty again. They always do.

You sound fucking awesome, I'm so impressed with how you've handled this.

Original poster

AB10 · 19/12/2021 01:20

I said we needed a schedule. To be honest, I’m finding it difficult to talk to him as I’m just blindsided by the viciousness to the contrite to the sobbing (him tonight) to the turning up on the doorstep etc.

OP posts:

PurpleMauve · 19/12/2021 01:52

You’ve done so well so far holding it all together and in front of your Son 💐

You definitely need to arrange a schedule re. your Son. I wouldn’t let him come round for at least a few days. He’s messing with your emotions and you need some time away from him to manage your thought process.

It sounds as though he’s realising that the grass is not any greener.

He’s treated you very badly in the way he has gone about this. His behaviour would be very hard for me to forgive, unless he is struggling with his mental health.

Onthedunes · 19/12/2021 02:00

@youvegottenminuteslynn

How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

Because you haven't adhered to the narrative he expected where you'd beg him to stay and desperately want to talk to him, persuade him you should stay together etc. He never thought you'd call his bluff. Please prepare yourself for him to go back to cold and callous again and saying he tried to fix it and you didn't. It's NOT true. He broke it, he told you he despised you and was never happy. It's beyond cruel. He then walked out on you AND HIS SON, assuming you'd pick up the pieces and care for your son alone. He is an arrogant twat whose bluff has been called and he's panicking.

Let him panic. Stay cool and calm to his face. Use this time to speak to a solicitor and do some financial planning, so you're ready for when he turns nasty again. They always do.

You sound fucking awesome, I'm so impressed with how you've handled this.

This is so bang on

Especially Please prepare yourself for him to go back to cold and callous again and saying he tried to fix it and you didn't. It's NOT true. He broke it

Also op, his friends and peer group, have any of his friends recently separated or divorced, they usually have someone giving advice in the background such as keep up the good father act, it goes down well in the divorce.

Personally I'd be trying to find out who this woman friend of his is, gives you more idea what you are dealing with.

I wonder why he's available Saturday night, maybe she's married.

All speculation at this point.

I'm so impressed with your control.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 19/12/2021 05:48

God - he sounds like a total cretin.
He's only sobbing because he's put out.
ow got cold feet

Can you not communicate with him via email, going forward?
He really cannot just rock up at the house, when it suits him.
And it also demonstrates how little regard he has for your boundaries and time.
He's clearly exceptionally selfish as it is, so please take your power and set some clear boundaries.

Tiredofbs123 · 19/12/2021 06:06

@AB10 your problem is you simply don’t know what you’re dealing with here. Particularly around the possibility of an affair partner or some kind of flirtatious interest. You do need to get snooping.

His behaviour isn’t extraordinary it’s actually so typical it’s laughable. If as many of us suspect their is OW lurking, your behaviour has cut his supply of ego kibbles and he just can’t handle that. He wants you to fight for him, to make him feel like the prize. He’s not. He’s just a pathetic man who told you he didn’t love you, he despises you AND walked out on his small child leaving you to pick up the pieces while he has his crisis.

Jeez I’m tired of selfish entitled, man children!

Hold firm, create a contact arrangement and tell him to stick to it. See a solicitor and seek advice. Tell him in no uncertain terms when he’s next crying on you to go and bloody see a counsellor because you’re not it! Keep being powerful, keep knowing your worth. You are absolutely wonderful and he is bloody lucky to be married to you.

He’s playing you atm @AB10, he’s trying to find a chink in your armour, don’t let him find that chink. Set the tone as to how YOU expect to be treated whether he comes back or not.

EnidFrighten · 19/12/2021 07:01

Just popped in to say you seen to be doing really well OP. I suspect he thought he was indispensable to two women and he's finding out his fancy woman doesn't want to shack up and you're not playing the begging broken wifey either.

I realised in a break up ages ago where my ex wanted to berate me at length - if you're terrible, you wouldn't sit and listen to someone saying you're terrible. You either get respect or you get going.

TopCatsTopHat · 19/12/2021 07:28

This thread is why i love mumsnet. Great women supporting great women.
The fact that you're still standing op is a big achievement. I'm sure you've barely begun to process what's going on, but meanwhile you're showing great dignity. The advice you're getting is great, I don't have much to add, except as a heads-up for further down the process is how strategic some men can get (no idea if yours will but it doesn't hurt to mention it because forewarned is forearmed and ask that)
My friend recently went through a divorce where the ex kept all his awful stuff (encouraging her to kill herself, threats of abandonment to the kids, telling her he couldn't care less when one went to hospital and she wondered if he wanted to visit etc etc) verbal only, and everything written (text, email) was responsible father, wronged husband territory, shining a good light on himself. He had definitely taken advice/read up a lot on how to play it (the being awful was to try to get her to back down and accept less than she was due, which was only fair expectation anyway) Once the divorce was finalised he became civil and reasonable again, the coldness was breath taking.
But the point is some people are willing to behave very strategically if there is a goal in sight like a divorce settlement and the selfishness of your dh so far suggests he possibly has the capacity for that type of thing.

DerbyshireMama · 19/12/2021 07:36

Look up "narc hoovering" OP. This is the stage where they try to suck you back in if they aren't quite done with you.

Loudestcat14 · 19/12/2021 07:42

@youvegottenminuteslynn

How can he swing from despising me to apologising and wanting to talk?

Because you haven't adhered to the narrative he expected where you'd beg him to stay and desperately want to talk to him, persuade him you should stay together etc. He never thought you'd call his bluff. Please prepare yourself for him to go back to cold and callous again and saying he tried to fix it and you didn't. It's NOT true. He broke it, he told you he despised you and was never happy. It's beyond cruel. He then walked out on you AND HIS SON, assuming you'd pick up the pieces and care for your son alone. He is an arrogant twat whose bluff has been called and he's panicking.

Let him panic. Stay cool and calm to his face. Use this time to speak to a solicitor and do some financial planning, so you're ready for when he turns nasty again. They always do.

You sound fucking awesome, I'm so impressed with how you've handled this.

This ^ x a million. You haven’t reacted the way he thought you would and the sobbing is almost certainly him crying for himself, not for what he’s done to you. Any apology he makes is three days too late and only because he realises he’s not in control here, you are.

You are being so incredibly strong, I am in awe. Whatever happens in the long term between you, right now he needs to give you space. He cannot tell you he despises you and doesn’t love you and walk out like he did then seriously expect to see you every day. It’s not fair, you need a breather from him to process what you do next. Can your mum act as an intermediary and be there when he comes to pick up your son so you don’t have to see him? I know you want to keep things stable for your DS but your husband’s emotional rollercoaster manipulation will confuse the hell out of him too if you don’t put some boundaries in now. A few days not seeing his pathetic face will do you the world of good.

RantyAunty · 19/12/2021 08:03

Agree you've handled this all so well.

He's to the point of being manipulative. trying to wear you down.

for someone who claimed he "doesn’t like spending time with you", he now can't seem to give you 5 minutes of peace.

For him to show up so soon after you returned, he might have been staking out the place waiting for you to return.

Lozzerbmc · 19/12/2021 08:21

Im so sorry you’re going through this - its similar to my experience and another woman was involved. Exh was nasty - sayiing he was never happy etc etc - they want to think you’re awful to make themselves feel better.

You are doing amazingly.

A schedule for seeing your son is imperative so you both can cope dealing and knowing when you’re seeing him. You have to be busineslike.

Take care of yourself its going to be harder, treat yourself with care. I hope you have some good friends, let them support you.

StickyStickyStickStickSong · 19/12/2021 08:25

Just popping in to say you're dealing with this really well and you should be proud of yourself