Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

@AB10

He’s now texting me with pictures of the wee man at football and asking what we are doing. It really is so agonising.

You're a better person than me.

I'd have replied 'What do you care?'

@minipie

You’re doing great OP

The thing he needs to realise is that there are only two relationship options.

You are together, he is committed, happy to be with you and nice to you (this would require a hell of a lot of grovelling given what he’s already said)
Or
You are separated, you do not have a relationship except to make arrangements about DS.

There is no hybrid where he pops round and plays happy families when it happens to suit him and then buggers off again. That will just hurt you over and over.

I think you’ve understood this already. But I’m not sure he has.

Good luck OP

This 100%

I’d come up with a schedule for Christmas and send it to him , to make it really clear that popping over when he feels like it isn’t on. It’s all or nothing now-100% commitment or separation.

I'd struggle to get past the 'he despises you' comment, but if you do want to fine a way back I agree with this from a pp

I’d come up with a schedule for Christmas and send it to him , to make it really clear that popping over when he feels like it isn’t on. It’s all or nothing now-100% commitment or separation

I’m currently hiding away in the master bedroom. I had been out all afternoon with mum then decided to take DS and my niece to the toy shop etc so we were late home. Only back around ten minutes and husband arrives at the front door. My DS saw him and then my husband asks can I come in. I felt I couldn’t say no. So now he’s playing with DS and niece and I just feel like I’m living in some parallel universe.

Wtf. Is he actually unhinged or something?

It would seem so.

OK. Pull yourself together.

Go downstairs and say it was nice to see you but time to go now.

Then text him later telling him he is never ever to do that again. You absolutely do need to set in place a proper schedule.

Fucking hell tell him to leave.

This man is deranged

He is doing this because he feels guilty.

But he still doesn't want to be with you but just doing this to help his own transition.

Don't entertain it he is exploiting the fact you still live him.

If the future you will look back and wished you told him to do one.

Say you will want all arrangements fornal and will be contacting your solicitor soon.

@happychristmasbum

OK. Pull yourself together.

Go downstairs and say it was nice to see you but time to go now.

Then text him later telling him he is never ever to do that again. You absolutely do need to set in place a proper schedule.

Absolutely this.

How dare he ambush you?!

You've done so, so well so far OP, Im in awe to be honest.

Keep going. If you give him an inch he will take a mile.

So like PP said, deep breath, head up and tell him calmly but firmly he is to leave and to organise visits properly, through you, not ambush you.

It's like he thinks you and DS are optional entertainment he gets points for tuning into when he fancies it.

He's thrown a grenade into your family life and now expects you to help him clear up all the shrapnel so he doesn't have to feel guilty.

Fuck him. Not literally, obviously.

All billy big bollocks when he said he despised you wasn't he? Now suddenly, seeing you aren't going to beg him back, he's going for the sad eyes and poor me voice.

Be warned, his next phase will be anger and back to the 'see, this is why I think you're xyz' so try to steel yourself for that.

They're so achingly predictable

• love
• in

Yep time to draw a line under this. He’s the one at fault here not you. Hang on to that OP

[quote OhamIreally]@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you it took years of obsessively picking over constant painful thoughts to drag these little nuggets into the light so if it can help OP get there a bit quicker that's got to be a good thing.

For what it's worth I've seen you on a few of these threads and always think your advice is brilliant (I'd like to think we'd be friends in real life ).[/quote]

Absolutely as others have said. Go downstairs and tell him it's time to go. Tell him you'll email him later. Then tonight send him an email setting out a visiting plan for the next week. Make it clear that he spends any time with your son away from your home, that he respects pick up and drop off times, than he is civil to you in front of your ds, and that he respects your need for privacy and doesn't contact you unnecessarily.

Deep breath op. Go downstairs now and tell him to leave. Re group tomorrow with much hardened boundaries now you know what to expect.

I don’t have the heart to tell him to leave in front of my DS. He is reading one last bedtime story and then I am going to go in and say okay wee man say good night to Daddy. He will leave the room then as that’s our normal routine. I will put DS to sleep and I hope that he then goes. I am too emotionally wrung out to even comprehend having another discussion with him about how miserable he is and how awful I am.

I will put DS to sleep and I hope that he then goes.

You need to tell him to leave and stop letting him treat you like shit.

He knows that hence he’s playing on it. On top of everything else, are you going to let him use your son like that? How many bedtime stories did he read before he walked out?

After dhs ex was chucked out for shagging other men she’d turn up at their house randomly crying her little piggy eyes out about how he didn’t know how hard it was for her and how she was suffering oh and also needed money 🤨

He used to tell her to fuck off back to her boyfriends.

He read bedtime stories most nights. He is a good father but you are right, this is not right.

He is treating you so badly!

If you can, compose a text tomorrow to set out some ground rules.

He can't just swan in and out when he feels like it.

He is NOT a good father.

Good fathers don't treat the mothers of their children the way he's treated you!

Sorry op I meant the night he packed a bag. I’m so angry for you. I wish you were my friend. I’d be straight round to show him the door.

He’s got it the wrong way round - you’re miserable and HE’S SO AWFUL! Go down and tell him to leave NOW. You’re not in the mood to talk. He is the pos who walked out etc, he DOES NOT get to waltz in whenever he feels like it after all that. And what ‘good father’ treats the mother of his child like that, and walks out on his wife and child like that? Find your anger and your self respect and ask him to leave right now. You can speak to him/communicate when YOU feel ready and not before.

I had a feeling he’d pull a stunt like this. Do what you did last night and grey rock him so he returns to his parents’ house. Then tomorrow text him to say he cannot turn up whenever he wants and you will draw up a schedule for him to see his son.