Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

@AB10

He’s now asking can I see you two again later. I really do mean when I say like I’m living some horrible nightmare. Can he not see how warped this is?

What???

Either ignore the text or tell him no.
No explanation.
Do not give him any leeway.

I bet he's hating it at his parents and missing his home comforts.
Maybe the ow got cold feet.
He may want to come back.

I would divorce his ass.

Letting him dip in - and out - when he feels like it will constantly leave you & your child uncertain and unsettled.

'He walked out on us. Not me - us'.

This is what you need to hold on to. He'll be planning the 'bad woman keeping me from my child' narrative to himself, his family and friends.

Setting boundaries, schedules, managing expectations and consequences is going to have to be yet another job for you to shoulder. But setting and sticking will bolster your self esteem, send him a clear message, keep consistency and a great example to your child of how not to behave when he's a grown man.

@AB10

He’s now asking can I see you two again later. I really do mean when I say like I’m living some horrible nightmare. Can he not see how warped this is?

How dare he? I'm angry for you, OP!

Agree with the pp suggestion: grey rock.

I will be in touch tomorrow to let you know when it is next convenient for you to see DS.

Then just ignore any further messages. Set your phone to silent or if possible just mute his messages so even if they are coming in, you can just choose not to look at them until you are ready.

It might be a good idea to work out a schedule for when he can see DS over the next little bit, e.g. xmas day etc. (I wouldn't let him in the house at all.) So tomorrow you could message something like: these are the dates and times when it's suitable for you to see DS. Please pick him up and return him on time as we have lots of plans. We will need to talk about a longer term contact arrangement after xmas.

Can he not see how warped this is?

He doesn't care. He's not thinking about you and DS and how it must be for you. He's thinking about himself and how sorry he feels for himself that you're not doing everything he wants after he's told you he despises you and blames you for everything wrong in his life. He wanted to have an easy life where you take care of everything and he keeps you in check by making you feel guilty and confused, while he does whatever he likes with whoever he likes.

He’s now asking can I see you two again later

Where is he staying? I suspect he doesn't have plans this afternoon so wants you to slot in. If OW (sadly it seems very, very likely) is around later he will disappear.

The post earlier saying there are only 2 options is spot on. He is either commited or he is out of the relationship.

It is so painful for you and the time of year adds to the sadness. Many of us have been through it and do recover, although it is hard to trust again.

You could reply not a no but ‘what would be useful is if you could send a schedule for when you think you could have ds over the next few weeks, and I’ll see what works for us so we can agree it. It’s not being fair to me for you to just ask whenever suits you, I can’t plan for that.’

&&He’s now asking can I see you two again later. I really do mean when I say like I’m living some horrible nightmare Can he not see how warped this is?&&

is it him saying I really do mean when I say im living in some terrible might mare or you

if the former
he really is a self centred self absorbed pond life

can he not even stop for one moment and realise that his actions have caused great upset to two other people...

Id be texting

stop with the self pitying messages as this person is trying to live through a troubled marriage and could do without these indulgent texts

No sorry that was me saying about the nightmare.
He had texted asking if he can see us both later.

This is standard. I’m so so sorry. I know how painful it is.

Especially as you want to see the man he was back in front of you! You’re vulnerable right now. Keep yourself and your heart safe. I am reconciled with my husband after his affair but he did all of this. The photos are a way of trying to use your love of your little boy and your family to manipulate you into doing what he wants. Please do not give in to this. You’re dealing with a stranger right now, treat him as such.

It is heart achingly painful, I have been where you are, I know it well BUT you show him NOW how you want to be treated, whether he crawls on his knees back to you and you watch his actions or you show a kick arsed attitude moving forward, in both of those sceneries you show him a woman who will not be manipulated, lied to and gaslighted!

Know your worth! He has tried to reduce it, only you can reinforce that worth.

"No thanks, we're busy" Weasle

OP, you mentioned your mum upthread – can you not go and stay with her tonight, or even a couple of days, for the support? Or have her come over? It might be a good distraction.

Yes - going out for tea with mum this afternoon. She has been a constant support through this as have you all.
I haven’t replied to text and not sure I will. It hurts to ignore him because I still do love him (sad I know!) but I also feel so hurt by his actions and words.

Please OP.

Do not see him.

Do not respond to his texts. Or grey rock response and say, “sorry, that doesn’t work for us.”

Show him you and your little boy are not to be fucked with.

You didn’t wail and gnash your teeth OP.
He thought he would have you dangling.
Well done for being strong.
Remember this man despised you on Thursday.

Wow op, you are doing brilliantly.

You have not lost your head and that must be ripping him appart.

Remember, everytime he comes round such as the other night and told you again that he no longer loves you, he is expecting to be torn to pieces by you, and when you do that he then gains validation that he has done the right thing.

You become the bad one again in his head.

He's not coping well with the guilt, that's why he's upping the contact.

Also remember his timetable, you are being fitted in with someone else, make no mistake that his interactions with you will have an affect on his time with the ow.

The ow, will now start seeing a sadness to him that she's not seen before. He cannot have it all, but that is what he expects, you now owe him nothing but this will start to anger him.

Many men lose control at this point, keep yourself safe, is there anyone who could spend some time with you, I had a good friend stay with me and he answered the door to any unexpected visits and outburts.

It becomes tiring for you to constantly keep boundaries and set timetables so I would definitely get something in place to know where you stand.
Don't allow him to bully you or guilt you, you deserve so much more than this selfish bastard.

So many great posts on here, I wish I'd been on MN when I was going through similar.

Glad you've got something arranged with your mum, OP. If he does turn up on your doorstep later, it will do him good to realise that you're out and about getting on with your life.

Stay strong OP. You are doing so well. Your decision to let him take son to football was a sensible one to let son see dad but minimise your contact with him.
I wouldn’t engage by text. Just get on with your day.
I’d think about sending a version of email the poster suggested yesterday.
It’s inappropriate for him to be coming in the house he’s left.

That’s great you are going out with your Mum. Don’t reply to text. You are doing a fantastic job and will be fine.

@AB10

He’s now texting me with pictures of the wee man at football and asking what we are doing. It really is so agonising.

'What are we doing' ?

Sounds like he's regretting his flounce and trying to spread the responsibility around. At that point I think you were expected to plead with him to come back and never mention all this joint silliness again. Reality is biting and he doesn't like it and want you to fix it.

You can't switch off loving him. That will take time.

Good work OP. So hard but by not dancing to his tune you’ve shown him the woman that you are. He’s having a good old wobble right now.

Sounds as if he had built up something in his head about a woman from work that hasn't been reciprocated.

You and your DS sound a great duo.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. You seem really baffled by his words and actions and like you are trying to make sense of it. To be clear, his words and actions are purely because he has another woman. If he didn't have another woman, he would not be doing this/saying these things. I can see a number of posters have advised you of this. Have you tried to look into this further? Without a doubt she is there somewhere.

Ah OP everyone has said it better already but he has had his head turned, and now she isn't sure she wants him.

You are doing so well. If there is any hope of salvaging this you need full honesty and contrition, and he needs to know he CANNOT ever treat you this way again. I would reply and say look, you've given me a lot to think about and I've realised you are not even half the man I thought you were, I'm not sure this is the life I want for DS and I, I need some space.

Because, OP, he walked out like that while your 3yo was awake. With no warning. And because you wanted to do what he said and have fun, but he was having a date. Ew. Be kind to yourself. Whatever the motivation for this, he should have dealt with it sooner, not dropped this shit on you. He's horrible, and you sound like a lovely wife.

Beware what he says.

Believe what he does.

Actions speak louder and more truthfully than words.

Have your guard up. Something not right about any of this. To say to you that he despised you? Wow. That's a line crossed.