Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

He's still trying to have his cake and eat it, op. This is him attempting to control you. By trying to behave conciliatory and reasonably he is looking to manipulate you, and when he realises it's not working he will turn nasty again.

I'm sorry :(

Agree with pp that you absolutely must enforce proper boundaries of your own choosing and of course you're not going to let him hang out in your home when he returns his son.

You are being marvellously strong and you are taking the high road (however much he might try to convince you otherwise).

We're all behind you 100% .

P.s. you're worth 100 of him

@AB10

Yes, I’m beginning to realise that however hard it is. It’s devastating to realise that you have married and had a child with someone so heartless.

Good! This is good! Now get bloody angry! Angry at the way he’s tried to dump everything at your door despite being the one choosing to walk out on you and your 3 year old son! Angry at the fact he’s made you question yourself as a person, with his rewriting g of your shared history. You were there @AB10 you know the truth of your relationship. How dare he do this to you? How dare he do this to your little boy? I remember being told to lace up my bitch boots! I’m passing that onto you!

@AB10

Need some advice: I texted just factually this morning that he could pick DS up for toddler football at 10am. Meaning I would have DS perhaps already playing with his scooter in the garden and then he can go with husband without much communication. He has just sitter back saying I was going to come round earlier if that’s okay. I don’t think it is okay but I also don’t want to be mean to further play into that image.

No it's not ok.

He's trying to have his cake at your expense.

He brings your DC back.
You meet him at the door.
You say Thank You and ask DC if they've had a good time.
You then say Bye and shut the door. If necessary, lock it.

You're doing brilliantly OP and it's good to see the clarity of your thinking compared to your initial posts.

My ex left very suddenly and I think it left me with a bit of ptsd. Took a long long time to get my head in a better place and sort through the swirling constant thoughts on why? What could I have done better? When would I hear the reasons from him? How could he throw this all away? So in no particular order and hoping it helps you, here are some of the conclusions I came to:

He has to hate me otherwise he would have to look at himself in the mirror and see the truth of what he's done.

Discovery of the other woman made me feel better because it meant I hadn't driven him away with my sheer horribleness.

I could have been kinder to him. Similarly he could have been kinder to me.

We will never have an honest conversation where he tells me the truth or apologises for his behaviour.

Texts, communication audit trails in respect to "evidence" don't matter. The divorce court does not care how despicably someone behaves. You can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour, one example and the most egregious being that he packed a suitcase and left the family home because you offered to go to a rugby match with him.

Expecting and asking nothing from him in terms of parenting is easier than hoping/ asking and being let down.

Don't be sad or feel guilty on behalf of your child. This one is really hard but you bring your full self to your child's life and your husband leaving and the impact it will have on your son's life is ON HIM not you.

The last one I can think of for now and which has really worked for me over the years is that silence is its own response.

I know how very very painful this is, it's like the Bear Hunt story, you can't go over, under, or around it, you just have to go through it.

You’re doing great OP

The thing he needs to realise is that there are only two relationship options.

You are together, he is committed, happy to be with you and nice to you (this would require a hell of a lot of grovelling given what he’s already said)
Or
You are separated, you do not have a relationship except to make arrangements about DS.

There is no hybrid where he pops round and plays happy families when it happens to suit him and then buggers off again. That will just hurt you over and over.

I think you’ve understood this already. But I’m not sure he has.

Good luck OP

@AB10

Thanks so much everyone for your support and advice. He came round tonight to read stories to our DS before bed. I encouraged DS to go upstairs to read etc with him after the bath although DS was definitely wanting to be with me and snuggled in. I think husband was quite taken aback by this and probably quite upset. Nonetheless I encouraged and he did go with his dad. I left them for some quality time then when it was bed time I went upstairs said day goodnight to daddy and went about putting our DS to sleep. I must have dozed off beside home for a brief twenty minutes. When I awoke I went downstairs, fully expecting husband to be gone again. He wasn’t. He was standing, looking forlorn, saying things like maybe he just needs to get his head showered, maybe he’s being irrational but he had to tell me he’d fallen out of love with me. To be honest, I just refused to engage with the emotional wounding anymore. I just nodded, said I’d made myself really clear on how committed I was to him and our marriage, he had made himself very clear on the exact opposite. He then said maybe I should just go back to parents tonight and I just didn’t say anything. So he went and although I am heartbroken, I am also done with his torment. I love him but I’m not willing to endure this.

He's a cheefy fucker isn't he. He's walked out on family but is still looking to you to be his therapist and soothe his emotions and make him feel better

@OhamIreally

You're doing brilliantly OP and it's good to see the clarity of your thinking compared to your initial posts.

My ex left very suddenly and I think it left me with a bit of ptsd. Took a long long time to get my head in a better place and sort through the swirling constant thoughts on why? What could I have done better? When would I hear the reasons from him? How could he throw this all away? So in no particular order and hoping it helps you, here are some of the conclusions I came to:

He has to hate me otherwise he would have to look at himself in the mirror and see the truth of what he's done.

Discovery of the other woman made me feel better because it meant I hadn't driven him away with my sheer horribleness.

I could have been kinder to him. Similarly he could have been kinder to me.

We will never have an honest conversation where he tells me the truth or apologises for his behaviour.

Texts, communication audit trails in respect to "evidence" don't matter. The divorce court does not care how despicably someone behaves. You can divorce him for unreasonable behaviour, one example and the most egregious being that he packed a suitcase and left the family home because you offered to go to a rugby match with him.

Expecting and asking nothing from him in terms of parenting is easier than hoping/ asking and being let down.

Don't be sad or feel guilty on behalf of your child. This one is really hard but you bring your full self to your child's life and your husband leaving and the impact it will have on your son's life is ON HIM not you.

The last one I can think of for now and which has really worked for me over the years is that silence is its own response.

I know how very very painful this is, it's like the Bear Hunt story, you can't go over, under, or around it, you just have to go through it.

This is really, really brilliant advice

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you it took years of obsessively picking over constant painful thoughts to drag these little nuggets into the light so if it can help OP get there a bit quicker that's got to be a good thing.

For what it's worth I've seen you on a few of these threads and always think your advice is brilliant (I'd like to think we'd be friends in real life ).

Thanks so much everyone. I did the meet at the door, said thank you, engaged in short conversation about DS at football then said our goodbyes. He went to go in the house and said something about putting up shelves in DS room. I politely said perhaps another time as I was now going out with DS. He accepted it. Then asked what we were going to do the rest of the day! I replied politely with I’m not sure, something fun with DS. I then turned my attention back to my son and he left.
He just doesn’t understand the devastating consequences of what he’s done. So utterly selfish.

Hopefully he is starting to realise OP. Every time he suggests popping round and you say no, he will realise more.

He doesn’t get to dip in and out.

@OhamIreally. Lovely advice— the other one I learnt the hard way was go fully for what you are due without guilt — most don’t actually think any better if you if you don’t— I gave my ex H virtually everything- but because I was the one choosing to break up I was still seen as the wicked witch of the west and as soon as he met someone else I was a ‘non’ person , as if I didn’t exist. It’s as if you are with them or you aren’t— ‘many’ just don’t do half way positions

He’s now texting me with pictures of the wee man at football and asking what we are doing. It really is so agonising.

Just blank the snake. Maybe reply 5 hours later if you're feeling generous.

Well done, OP!

I hope you're having a nice afternoon with your son.

He's a fuckin' arsehole.
Don't answer that text.

You really, really need to see a solicitor.
He wants his cake and eat it - to knob the ow and also have his feet under the table at his old home.
Do not let him do this to you.

What a turd of a man.

He’s now asking can I see you two again later. I really do mean when I say like I’m living some horrible nightmare. Can he not see how warped this is?

Standard manipulation.

He didn't care a few hours ago. A few hours ago he despised you and what you had.

He still does. He just wants you dangling at the end of his rope, so he can puppeteer.

Keep strong.

@AB10

He’s now asking can I see you two again later. I really do mean when I say like I’m living some horrible nightmare. Can he not see how warped this is?

Would it make you feel better to see him?

Because I doubt it. In which case, the answer is surely no, he can't see you. You need space.

Reply saying "No. You left us. We need to establish a regular schedule for you to see DS."

What an arsehole he is!

You are being so strong. Hold onto that fury! I would send one clear message regarding your son though.

'I will be in touch tomorrow to let you know when it is next convenient for you to see DS.'

Then grey rock again.

@AB10

He’s now asking can I see you two again later. I really do mean when I say like I’m living some horrible nightmare. Can he not see how warped this is?

He can't see it, no. He's just thinking, "Phew! I've finally told AB10 how much I despise her and don't love her, now it's up to her to fix it and I'll just bowl up and see them whenever I like. Glad I got that off my chest."

He's certainly not thinking, "Oh god, what I said must have really hurt her. I hope she's okay."

You need space to process what's happening and he's not giving it to you. Don't let him do this on his terms.

He really thinks he can pick you two up and drop you back down at will doesn’t he? I think a lot of men are selfish deep down compared to women.

You didn’t cling on to his ankles begging him to come back so he’s going to keep chipping away at you to get the reaction he wants.