Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

About those nasty/nice texts.
Someone has warned him, or he has realised that anything in writing might come back to bite him on the butt.
He now might be very careful to keep his written words reasonable, even caring, so he can prove later on that he is not a bastard.
Any offers of housekeeping/maintenance/cash, grab it. The generosity won't last.

So, he moved out 24 hours ago and he’s shown up twice in that 24 hours?!!!

On one of those occasions he came to the family home and deliberately hurt you by again stating he didn’t love you anymore.

Sorry to be blunt, OP. But you need better boundaries.

Can’t you see he’s walked all over you again? He’s doing what he wants and keeps hurting you in the process.

STOP giving him these opportunities.

You need to cut all contact and stop engaging in his drama, he’s loving it. Stop texting him unless he wants to arrange contact with your little boy. (The sooner you formalise a schedule, the better).

If he wants to see your little boy, then he takes him out of the house and gives you space.

He does not get to stand “forlorn” in your kitchen and tell you he doesn’t love you yet AGAIN.

There is no coming back from this. You must Protect yourself. Grey rock. Get angry. He is not your best friend anymore.

For a masterclass in grey rock and dignified silence, see the “MoreLegs” threads. She was in your position this time last year when her husband of 36 years walked out. Surprise surprise, he was having an affair.

Now, 12 months on, life is so much better for her. This could you be you a year from now, free from your asshole husband :

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4132352-Can-someone-just-hold-my-hand-Just-for-a-bit

You're doing incredibly well OP

I honestly think he's had his head turned but possibly not yet engaged in a full blown affair.

He's dithering about whether to remain in your marriage or jump into something new. That new opportunity isn't definite enough for him to confident in it.
Hence him wavering.

Make sure that if he tries to come back, it's for the right reasons. It wouldn't surprise me if he wants to return because he's worried about being alone, and then you'll end up going through all this again in the future.

You will get through this. It's remarkable how these men can just decide what they're doing when they're doing it and in the meantime absolutely shatter your self esteem and confidence.
The sad thing is everything does happen for a reason and WHEN you do eventually meet the man you're meant to share happiness with, the one who adores you sweeps you off your feet and worships the ground you walk on you'll wonder why on gods earth you wasted any time whatsoever on this idiot. It's his loss not yours and as for your son he will be absolutely fine with his mummy. You will do it, you'll be amazing and close this chapter of your life. It will be him who has the regrets and him who will realise what a catastrophic mistake he's made.
When you take vows you're supposed to take them seriously, he clearly didn't get the memo and you don't need to rewrite it for him.
As for anything untoward that's another story one which you may never get to the bottom of but he's already made his bed by the way he's treated you and the gut wrenching things he's said. Don't ever change for anyone, you're the same woman he met and fell in love with originally. Unfortunately he's moved the goalposts. Good luck with everything chin up head held high you need nobody for anything xxxx

Yuck! This man has clearly been loving having you bend yourself into a pretzel begging for him, making him feel like such a prize and if as many of us suspect there’s another woman, he’s getting ego kibbles there as well. Cut his supply off.

Start recognising him for the nasty, individual he is. How dare he discard you and belittle your life together. How dare he turn his nasty sneaky behaviour on you and have you doubting your awesomeness! Just look at how your little boy is managing so well because of YOU! How dare he destroy your family and make out it was your behaviours!

Contact only about money and DS. Otherwise grey rock. He gets no ego kibbles from you!

He’s an absolute arsehole!!!! You’re doing brilliantly, be proud of yourself!

He was trying to get you to do the 'pick me' dance, and is disappointed and a bit shocked it no longer works.

Thanks for all the support.
I think it’s true about him moving the goal posts. He wanted to marry me, we’ve been together the best part of our adult lives, we have an adored child and I’m a good person and mum. How could he hold such resentment for me? I know he’s saying I wasn’t a good wife/before partner. But surely I must have been at some stage? I think he has engineered this in his head, for whatever reason, and now I can’t do right.
It hurts but I have to keep telling myself that. I miss him in our home but I must admit I am feeling less uneasy.

Need some advice:
I texted just factually this morning that he could pick DS up for toddler football at 10am. Meaning I would have DS perhaps already playing with his scooter in the garden and then he can go with husband without much communication.
He has just sitter back saying I was going to come round earlier if that’s okay.
I don’t think it is okay but I also don’t want to be mean to further play into that image.

If you agreed ten I’d stick to it. Don’t let him ride roughshod over your boundaries.

Hmmm I'd say right now I need space to I'd rather you didn't and if we can stick to 10am please, thanks

Or if it is early than 10 it's a case of he collects him earlier and heads off someone with him and keeps him occupied before the football but not at home with you etc

Give him an inch he'll take a mile

If 10 o'clock suits you and your ds stick to your guns.
Remember this isn't about what's best for your dh, it's about doing what's in the best interest of your ds.

I'd also use this opportunity to think about what you want to happen over Xmas and going forward. For example dh can see ds in the morning to watch him open Xmas presents then leave. He can then see him eow and once during the week. That kind of thing. My dc's thrived (and still do), in a routine when they know exactly when they are seeing their father. If your dh can't or won't stick to a routine, then it's up to him to discuss how you can both work this out. It's not just him coming and going as he pleases at the drop if a hat.

He may well have fallen out of love with you, but he was deliberately cruel in the way he said it. There's a kind way of telling her mother of your children and partner of many years that you feel differently.

Grey rock op. “That doesn’t work for me. DS will be ready at 10am”

@Dibble135

Grey rock op. “That doesn’t work for me. DS will be ready at 10am”

100% this text.

@AB10

Thanks for all the support. I think it’s true about him moving the goal posts. He wanted to marry me, we’ve been together the best part of our adult lives, we have an adored child and I’m a good person and mum. How could he hold such resentment for me? I know he’s saying I wasn’t a good wife/before partner. But surely I must have been at some stage? I think he has engineered this in his head, for whatever reason, and now I can’t do right. It hurts but I have to keep telling myself that. I miss him in our home but I must admit I am feeling less uneasy.

Yes he's the one who changed not you. He's not the man you married so therefore him with the issues which he will deeply regret. The words have been said to you, they stick and no matter what you decided to do you'll never let go of them. Every hour you'll get stronger. Decisions will come easier and you'll get to a point where you don't actually care any more xxx

I'm sure his head has been turned elsewhere, hence why you couldn't go to the match with him. Now he's realising what he's missing out on he's having doubts.

@Dibble135

Grey rock op. “That doesn’t work for me. DS will be ready at 10am”

Perfect grey rock response.

He’s walking all over you again and not respecting your boundaries/wishes.

And why on earth are you worried about being seen as “mean” in his eyes?!

You need to get mean & show him you are mean. Otherwise, you’re a walkover who he has no respect for.

Dhs work friend offered to leave his dw for his ow & she said no thanks but said if he ever fancied a shag to let her know.

Maybe whoever is behind all this doesn’t fancy taking on a child and two elderly parents.

He picked him up. He called me pet and wanted to take our dry cleaning (bed clothes) as he normally does on a Saturday. I was so taken aback, I just said no it’s fine I can sort that. I meant him in the garden (DS and I were playing with scooters.) I think he thinks he’s coming back here after afterwards. He is so mixed up and I can’t deal with the torment.

@AB10 be strong. I promise that giving him an inch, to allow him to mess with your head will cause more damage long term. He needs to understand that everything he has put you through these last few days is absolutely unacceptable! He can not take you for granted like this. I’m not saying that this is it… ltb… but I’m saying that how you deal with his behaviour now sets a precedent for the future. Be clear on your boundaries. Grey rock all the way.

@AB10

He picked him up. He called me pet and wanted to take our dry cleaning (bed clothes) as he normally does on a Saturday. I was so taken aback, I just said no it’s fine I can sort that. I meant him in the garden (DS and I were playing with scooters.) I think he thinks he’s coming back here after afterwards. He is so mixed up and I can’t deal with the torment.

You are being so, so strong OP, you've just got to maintain that position over the next few days until you have a clearer picture in your head of what you want to happen next. Not him, you. Every time you feel yourself weakening, remind yourself how crushing it was to hear him say he despises you and how he stood there yesterday and said he felt it was so important to let you know he's not in love with you any more. Find your fury, as a PP said! He needs to be grovelling on his sodding knees and begging you for forgiveness for being so cruel, not swanning in and out like he's done nothing.

If you feel you ‘can’t deal with the torment’, then no - he doesn’t get to say such unkind things, pack a bag and leave, refuse to answer calls, and you are left to try and keep calm and carry on for the sake of your dc. Tell him he can go back to wherever he is staying and email anything he wants to say to you. He doesn’t get to waltz in and out as he pleases after what he has done. You think about what YOU want and what is best for dc, and you don’t have to decide anything immediately. Just because he wants something it doesn’t mean you have to agree, and please don’t worry about seeming ‘mean’. He wasn’t worried about BEING extremely mean the other day was he?

Personally I could never unhear him telling me that he despises me, doesn't like spending time with me and doesn't love me.

You do realise he doesn't actually give a flying fuck about you, he just wants access to his son? He can have that away from you and the house. He is the one who chose to pack and leave. A simple 'No, you don't live here anymore' is all you need to say to him.

Yes, I’m beginning to realise that however hard it is. It’s devastating to realise that you have married and had a child with someone so heartless.