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Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
Steelesauce · 17/12/2021 18:00

Stop blaming yourself, please! It is not your fault, it is HIS fault. He hasn't tried or communicated until it was too late. Imo his head had been turned and that is that. You can do this, you are strong. I can see it in the way you write, you are able to handle this. He will crumble without you and it is not your job to pick up any of the pieces.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 18:01

Bloody well done op

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 18:05

So he wants to stay for his son, not for you, because he despises you. What a revolting man!

Onthedunes · 17/12/2021 18:08

He’s also saying he has no choice in the way he feels. But I just can’t believe he’s choosing to rip his family apart

It's that bit " he has no choice in the way he feels"

Is that usual unless your gay ?

Onthedunes · 17/12/2021 18:09

you're

TopCatsTopHat · 17/12/2021 18:13

@youvegottenminuteslynn

God he's a prick. I would be tempted to go factual and lay it out to him. Something like...

"You told me you despise me and that you've never been happy with me. You have also told me I'm a great mum and a good person, between the hateful comments. This lack of consistency and mixed messaging is cruel.

You walked out of our home with no plan in place for our son, assuming I would be default parent while you had time alone to think. Now you say you cannot be away from him. This lack of consistency and mixed messaging is irresponsible.

We need to have some space so we can both think about what we want, then discuss it sensibly as adults. I will not continue to be spoken to as if I am your emotional punching bag, for you to lash out at me then retract statements afterwards. It is confusing, spiteful and cruel.

I need (insert what you need here - space? A day each with your little one this weekend so uou both have time to think? Others would be able to help with what to add here I'm sure) and if you are genuinely willing to discuss things like adults for our sons sake as well as mine, then you'll agree to it.

I don't want an ongoing back and forth with you because I no longer trust you to be kind and consistent, due to your words over the past few days. I have been caring for our son in your absence and the way you dismissed me before leaving was a man I barely recognise. I have been busy parenting in your absence so haven't had time to process things properly.

You need to give me that time. You owe me that much."

Such great advice.
StickyStickyStickStickSong · 17/12/2021 18:19

@youvegottenminuteslynn
100%

beastlyslumber · 17/12/2021 18:37

@youvegottenminuteslynn

God he's a prick. I would be tempted to go factual and lay it out to him. Something like...

"You told me you despise me and that you've never been happy with me. You have also told me I'm a great mum and a good person, between the hateful comments. This lack of consistency and mixed messaging is cruel.

You walked out of our home with no plan in place for our son, assuming I would be default parent while you had time alone to think. Now you say you cannot be away from him. This lack of consistency and mixed messaging is irresponsible.

We need to have some space so we can both think about what we want, then discuss it sensibly as adults. I will not continue to be spoken to as if I am your emotional punching bag, for you to lash out at me then retract statements afterwards. It is confusing, spiteful and cruel.

I need (insert what you need here - space? A day each with your little one this weekend so uou both have time to think? Others would be able to help with what to add here I'm sure) and if you are genuinely willing to discuss things like adults for our sons sake as well as mine, then you'll agree to it.

I don't want an ongoing back and forth with you because I no longer trust you to be kind and consistent, due to your words over the past few days. I have been caring for our son in your absence and the way you dismissed me before leaving was a man I barely recognise. I have been busy parenting in your absence so haven't had time to process things properly.

You need to give me that time. You owe me that much."

Another one who likes this message.

In terms of the "I need..." piece, maybe you could add that you need clarity and complete honesty from him. I don't think you'll get it, but it's good to set out your needs and expectations because then it's clear whether he is meeting them or not.

I would also get a solicitor's appointment for January. You can always cancel it if you decide it's not needed, but it's better to have the option.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 17/12/2021 21:07

Another one for @youvegottenminuteslynn response

Original poster
AB10 · 17/12/2021 22:06

Thanks so much everyone for your support and advice.
He came round tonight to read stories to our DS before bed. I encouraged DS to go upstairs to read etc with him after the bath although DS was definitely wanting to be with me and snuggled in. I think husband was quite taken aback by this and probably quite upset. Nonetheless I encouraged and he did go with his dad. I left them for some quality time then when it was bed time I went upstairs said day goodnight to daddy and went about putting our DS to sleep. I must have dozed off beside home for a brief twenty minutes. When I awoke I went downstairs, fully expecting husband to be gone again. He wasn’t. He was standing, looking forlorn, saying things like maybe he just needs to get his head showered, maybe he’s being irrational but he had to tell me he’d fallen out of love with me. To be honest, I just refused to engage with the emotional wounding anymore. I just nodded, said I’d made myself really clear on how committed I was to him and our marriage, he had made himself very clear on the exact opposite. He then said maybe I should just go back to parents tonight and I just didn’t say anything. So he went and although I am heartbroken, I am also done with his torment. I love him but I’m not willing to endure this.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 17/12/2021 22:14

Good for you op. He’s fallen out of love but hanging round in the hopes he can stay Hmm

He was hoping you would give him another ego boost by begging him to come back.

He needs to shit or get off the pot.

StellaGibson118 · 17/12/2021 22:18

Well done OP, I'm so impressed!

minipie · 17/12/2021 22:20

I just nodded, said I’d made myself really clear on how committed I was to him and our marriage, he had made himself very clear on the exact opposite.

Perfect and well done.
He doesn’t get to be not committed, say awful things about you but still stay over when he realises how lonely he is.
He needs to do a lot better.

BobbieT1999 · 17/12/2021 22:20

Well done, op. Keep on with this approach, remember he may not love you and he may try to mess with your head/put the blame on you but he cannot take your dignity.

Continue to show him your strength and your pride. Flowers

Original poster
AB10 · 17/12/2021 22:25

It’s not easy and I still feel like I’m losing my best friend but I’m beginning to realise that I may have put too much faith in his as a good person.

OP posts:
me4real · 17/12/2021 22:31

He was standing, looking forlorn, saying things like maybe he just needs to get his head showered, maybe he’s being irrational but he had to tell me he’d fallen out of love with me. To be honest, I just refused to engage with the emotional wounding anymore. I just nodded, said I’d made myself really clear on how committed I was to him and our marriage, he had made himself very clear on the exact opposite. He then said maybe I should just go back to parents tonight and I just didn’t say anything. So he went and although I am heartbroken, I am also done with his torment. I love him but I’m not willing to endure this.

Well done @AB10 , he's being very, very cruel. He could just STFU rather than coming out with half this stuff. I think I'd be tempted just to go 'stop it' 'I don't want to hear it anymore.'

I don't think having him back would be good as I think this sort of antics from him are the sorrt of thing someone could do repeatedly, so it'd just screw with you even more.

Original poster
AB10 · 17/12/2021 22:35

Our DS is coping admirably. He was happy this evening playing with me and is sound asleep this evening. I think that has knocked the sails out of my husband as he sees that despite him detonating a bomb under our family last night, DS and I will get by and could even be happy without him in the house. It’s not what we asked for but it’s certainly what my husband thought he wanted.

OP posts:
BobbieT1999 · 17/12/2021 22:42

I’m beginning to realise that I may have put too much faith in his as a good person

Transitional periods in our lives can be very painful but they lead to greater freedom, strength and ultimately happiness.

You're both going to be more than fine.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/12/2021 23:02

Well done OP. Be very proud of yourself. You will get through this. Your little boy is doing well all thanks to you.
You don’t have to put up with his emotional cruelty.

Lennon80 · 17/12/2021 23:08

OP there is a strong possibility he’s got his eye on someone at work who he ‘has a laugh’ with and so feeling resentful in the marriage. There’s definitely something a miss. Keep your eyes peeled and brace yourself x

RantyAunty · 18/12/2021 00:11

Well done OP. You handled him brilliantly.

How dare he show up and tell you he has fallen out of love with you.
As if his actions hadn't made it crystal clear already.

timeisnotaline · 18/12/2021 00:11

Good for you op. I know this must be tearing you apart but you’re handling it amazingly even if you don’t feel like it. Your son is very lucky to have you! I dont want to hear one more word about your pnd or anything being your fault, you’re the one making it all work for your child here, and he’s the one who thinks he’s special and deserves more and shouldnt have to put in the effort to parenting and marriage and its ok to say awful things to you. You are the one who deserves more.

IamGusFring · 18/12/2021 01:03

My EX H had me convinced that I was the biggest bitch alive - guess what he had been having an affair with a friend ? They need to say these things to convince themselves that they do not feel any guilt . What about their happiness etc ? While it takes two , they do love to blame the wife in a situation like this . The way he is talking ? He is a prick .

Rangoon · 18/12/2021 01:35

I am just imagining the OW's face when he turned up unannounced with a suitcase. Yes because she'd always wanted to house a married man with a toddler. It's a far cry from some fun flirting or work affair if that's all she was thinking about.

thenewduchessoflapland · 18/12/2021 02:03

@RaisedByPangolins

100% There’s a woman at work who finds him hilarious. I’m sorry. It’s so predictable.
Agreed

I'm sorry OP but of course he'll say no when you ask if there's anyone else involved.

He may not actually be involved with the OW who's causing these feelings but he'll definitely be lusting after her and then comes the comparing you to her and thus his behaviour starts to change and hey presto there's the distance,lack of affection etc you've been experiencing.

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