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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

999 replies

AB10 · 16/12/2021 15:23

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 17/12/2021 15:11

God he's a prick. I would be tempted to go factual and lay it out to him. Something like...

"You told me you despise me and that you've never been happy with me. You have also told me I'm a great mum and a good person, between the hateful comments. This lack of consistency and mixed messaging is cruel.

You walked out of our home with no plan in place for our son, assuming I would be default parent while you had time alone to think. Now you say you cannot be away from him. This lack of consistency and mixed messaging is irresponsible.

We need to have some space so we can both think about what we want, then discuss it sensibly as adults. I will not continue to be spoken to as if I am your emotional punching bag, for you to lash out at me then retract statements afterwards. It is confusing, spiteful and cruel.

I need (insert what you need here - space? A day each with your little one this weekend so uou both have time to think? Others would be able to help with what to add here I'm sure) and if you are genuinely willing to discuss things like adults for our sons sake as well as mine, then you'll agree to it.

I don't want an ongoing back and forth with you because I no longer trust you to be kind and consistent, due to your words over the past few days. I have been caring for our son in your absence and the way you dismissed me before leaving was a man I barely recognise. I have been busy parenting in your absence so haven't had time to process things properly.

You need to give me that time. You owe me that much."

TheMummilly · 17/12/2021 15:13

Could he be secretly bisexual? Just the 'despise' bit and then the backtracking about you being a great mum and he would miss DC sounds really odd.

ivykaty44 · 17/12/2021 15:15

I’ve realised I can’t even contemplate not seeing wee man every single day. I’m willing to try anything

Well let’s get together after Christmas and see whether we have a marriage worth saving. That’ll give you the and me both time to think about where we want to go from here. Remember I’ve got a lot of catching up to do, whereas you knew how you felt about our marriage, I’ve only jyst found out. So I need a bit of time to catch up

Needhelp101 · 17/12/2021 15:34

OP, I really urge you to, as PP have suggested, to read Chumplady. Her book "Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life" is excellent. It'll explain a lot x

Loudestcat14 · 17/12/2021 15:34

But he needs to understand that seeing the wee man every day means being a committed and loving husband and really fucking upping his game. How's he going to square that with telling his wife he despises her?

Seriously though, OP, you are being SO strong. The way you handled the nursery visit was brilliant. Flowers

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/12/2021 15:36

Please don’t send him any of these suggested text messages.

Grey rock. Freeze him out.

Keep doing what you’re doing.

Ignore all his emotional texts.

You need to remain in control.

He needs to feel what it means to lose you all.

Loudestcat14 · 17/12/2021 15:36

The message youvegottenminuteslynn has drafted is great. Sending a version of it to him is not a bad idea right now.

ProudThrilledHappy · 17/12/2021 15:39

“I’m willing to try anything” implies you are making the marriage hard but he will tolerate you to be near his child.

Still no sorry about how he treated you, or telling you he loves you

What a prick.

Cameleongirl · 17/12/2021 15:42

@ProudThrilledHappy

“I’m willing to try anything” implies you are making the marriage hard but he will tolerate you to be near his child.

Still no sorry about how he treated you, or telling you he loves you

What a prick.

Exactly, @ProudThrilledHappy That's not the basis for a happy relationship!
MrsNameChange12345 · 17/12/2021 15:52

Awww OP Thanks I feel so sorry for you!
Unfortunately to me it sounds like he has met someone else, possibly from work. And he's very confused and wanting to go on a break from you and focus on her to see if this is what he wants before he makes a decision.

penniesdimesapplespears · 17/12/2021 15:55

Personally I would just tell him to leave if he feels that way. You need love and support, something he isn't giving you op.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 17/12/2021 15:57

@MrsNameChange12345

Awww OP Thanks I feel so sorry for you! Unfortunately to me it sounds like he has met someone else, possibly from work. And he's very confused and wanting to go on a break from you and focus on her to see if this is what he wants before he makes a decision.
Precisely.

He’s what Chump Lady calls a “cake eater”

www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/

Graphista · 17/12/2021 15:59

He just seems so out of wack. This is not the man I knew.

It was so out of character for my ex his family thought he was having a breakdown. One of his brothers still isn't speaking to him! Because of his behaviour around this affair AND towards dd

I'm also suspecting he thought potential ow would snap him up if he left you and she's turned him down flat either cos she also has responsibilities or her returning his feelings was all in his imagination!

I've heard good things about Chumplady too though not looked myself

Onthedunes · 17/12/2021 16:04

@ProudThrilledHappy

“I’m willing to try anything” implies you are making the marriage hard but he will tolerate you to be near his child.

Still no sorry about how he treated you, or telling you he loves you

What a prick.

Exactly

He's still the victim having to put up with anything to see his child.

What a twat.
I think I hate him

Fluffycloudland77 · 17/12/2021 16:19

Well that’s nice of him isn’t it? If I packed a bag, told dh I despised him and fucked off for the night he’d have all my stuff packed up for me.

You actually couldn’t make this stuff up.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 17/12/2021 16:33

@Dibble135

Hmmm another woman? The re-writing history with were we ever happy, going out with work friends, cannot be definitive as to whether he is committed.

So it’s all your fault when it comes out as you pushed him to it.

He knows where the door is. No one is forcing him to stay.

I don't think you're going to get a much better take on it than this sadly OP. Sorry but I think he's further along the checking out process than you may have thought.
Dixiechickonhols · 17/12/2021 16:42

You’ve done right thing OP ignoring him. Well done on the pre school visit that can’t have been easy.
You will need to sort contact with your little boy but don’t be rushed. Your firm line on him not popping over is exactly right. I like your thinking he’s left, your son is in his home it’s not your fault DH not with DS. It’s confusing for your son if he’s dropping in and out and no good for you.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/12/2021 17:01

The comment about using child as weapon wasn’t saying you were OP. You certainly don’t have to bend over backwards and allow him to come in your home that he’s left. Don’t be bullied into happy families Christmas Day.
It was about DH not having thought through the reality of contact - where would he see DS. His parents house might not be suitable if his parent there needs constant care. It’s cold so he needs somewhere suitable to take him. He’s realistically going to be a ‘McDonalds’ dad until he gets sorted.
But that’s not your fault OP. If you tell your wife you don’t love her, despise her and pack your suitcase and leave them it’s all on him. He’s only just realised after leaving he won’t see DS daily. What an idiot.

Dixiechickonhols · 17/12/2021 17:11

If he was willing to try anything he would have spoken to you months ago, spent time with you not pulling away and and jumped at chance of night out with you to rugby not left when you said you’d go (and booked babysitting)
He thought he’d have a good few weeks after his initial bombshell of you being nice (saying I’m sorry - pick me) and him teeing up ow and deciding but instead he’s jumped in panic and the harsh reality is now hitting him.

Hoppinggreen · 17/12/2021 17:15

You are his wife
Not a fucking performing seal

DixieSun · 17/12/2021 17:20

I wouldn't text him or reply. Fuck him

IWannaQuitTheGym · 17/12/2021 17:25

@AB10

It’s just the things that he’s said. You do everything for me, you’re a great mum, a great person. But on the other hand, he’s saying he despises me, can’t stand to be in my company. He’s also saying he has no choice in the way he feels. But I just can’t believe he’s choosing to rip his family apart

I could have written this word for word. He swore it wasn't because he'd got feelings for someone else. It turned out he was lying. I'm so sorry but I would put money on there being someone else involved. Even if there isn't though, he's still treated you absolutely appallingly.

Can I just say how much I admire how strong and dignified you're being over this. You are handling this so well. Definitely keep up with grey rocking, keep everything factual.

I do think the message suggested by @youvegottenminuteslynn is great though.

RantyAunty · 17/12/2021 17:30

He's being so cruel.
You did nothing wrong at all.

Just think how much more energy and upbeat you'd be if all you had to do was go to work and come home and every other detail of your life was taken care of.

Come home to a hot meal, clean clothes and home and not have to lift a finger doing it. I'd be more chipper and energetic too!

I think he nice comments now are to keep you sweet until he figures out if the ow wants him or not.

You're doing good not answering him.
He's been so miserable, he can just f off!

Maze76 · 17/12/2021 17:48

As I said in my previous comment, he will be back, and I repeat, just because he returns to the home it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s to work on the marriage. His text mentioned not being able to see his son every day, well it’s great that his child is on his mind.. shame he didn’t give both of your consideration after telling you he despises you. Keep your wits about you.

happychristmasbum · 17/12/2021 17:57

I wonder if OW has failed to welcome him with open arms and he's now wishing he hadn't left/said anything?

Either way, there is no way you can, or should stay together with a man who despises you, just so he isn't inconvenienced. Angry