Husband says he’s miserable in our marriage.

[AB10]

Hi everyone,
Just looking for some support.
Husband has been off with me for a while now. Just getting a feeling of distance / no affection / quick to anger etc. We have a young child and I suffered after the birth with PND so it hasn’t been an easy time for our marriage. We are married seven years although have been together for ten plus. Our relationship has suffered since the birth of our dearly loved child and I take much of the responsibility for that. Although I can be pernickety about housework etc, I have always loved my husband.
Although last night when I asked about his happiness and asking did he not want to be with me anymore, he agreed. And went on to tell me how we have no fun together, he’s miserable, there’s no affection. He even went as far as to say have we ever been happy which took me by surprise as we’ve travelled internationally together and have had some wonderful times. It seems he sees me as something just horrible and I am acutely aware of my faults and have apologised to him, said I was going to try and make him happier, that I was fully committed to our marriage. And his answer to that: ‘I’m sorry I can’t be more definitive’ as to whether I am committed. What am supposed to say to that?
He says we don’t laugh together and that at work everyone thinks he’s funny. He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly. He just seems to have checked out and I can feel my marriage crumbling.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, I am going to try to keep a clear and strong head moving forward.
Thanks again everyone for your support. X

OP, if you would rather posters stopped going on about another woman, perhaps just say so. It may well be something you don't want to think about at the moment. x

OP I have seen this before and it's devastating. You need to tell him to move out. He thinks he's in control and can treat you like however suits him. If there's any relationship to save, he will quickly realise it after being kicked out with no chance of returning unless he makes things right (whatever that means to you). No begging or feeling sad or guilty from your side, just "you've made your feelings clear, I don't think you should live here".

I think PND has a direct correlation to a partner who doesn't lift their weight (or lack of alternative support) speaking from personal experience and friends experiences only. I know there are cases were there is support and still PND but I think these are rarer. Don't give yourself a hard time about this OP it is more common than you think.

I’m so sorry this had happened, OP. I’m revising my earlier perspective now you’ve shared more, as I’d assumed your DS was still a baby and you were both adjusting to parenthood, you were still getting over your PND, etc.

With a three-year-old, you’ll both have adjusted to parenthood and it’s clear that your husband has decided that “having fun” is more important than his family. He’s a selfish pig and doesn’t deserve you and your DS.😡

The only possible “excuse” I can think of is whether he’s very upset by his parents’ illnesses? Has he changed since they became so ill or was he always selfish?

Cherchez la femme!

Usually when they rewrite history it's to convince themselves they're not a bad person for having an affair as they are currently in the "wrong relationship with the wrong person"

Ditto over focusing on your faults

Classic 7 year itch especially when timed in with recently becoming parents.

Sadly some men can't cope with the loss of attention.

He’s starting going out with a group at work more regularly.

Aka there's a stupid younger woman laughing at all his jokes and fawning over him!

Personally I cba to make the effort with a dick like this. I don't think counselling works in these scenarios at best they delay the inevitable

Of course he said no when asked directly they always do! Mine knocked up the ow and STILL denied it was an affair (he tried to claim to everyone that she wasn't as pregnant as she was and THEN tried saying baby was prem despite healthy weight etc)

Your son is asleep of an evening you're hardly missing out on him by going out occasionally. You need a life and interests op for your own sake and Mh

He says that he loves me as we’ve been together for so long but he’s not in love with me

Cheaters catchphrase!!

Time for ducks in a row I'm afraid

Then kick him to the curb!

Glad you're working ft op

Wish I'd had mn when it happened to me. He totally gaslit me and had me convinced I'd made him depressed and been a terrible wife throughout our marriage.

A close friend tried to tell me it was nonsense but I didn't believe her as was only speaking to her occasionally and he was in my ear several times a day!

All that said the repeated references to cleaning and perfectionism strongly suggest to me that these traits may have or are tipping over into ocd which I also suffer from. Often starts as a coping mechanism.

If it's negatively impacting your life it's ocd

I would urge you to get help asap as I wish I had

So sorry to read your update at 2022 yesterday op that seems to confirm the ow to me

DO NOT hang about on ducks in a row front now!

My ex emptied the bank accounts within days of split leaving me broke with a toddler to feed!

Well I think I’d be getting a sitter for a couple hours and go to this rugby match even if it’s just to wait outside and see exactly what this bastard is up to. He is a horrible man to have treated you like this. Please stop blaming yourself, you do not deserve all that hateful stuff being said to you.

@AB10

I think he went to his parents. Both parents are very ill, one in a nursing home and his mum with full time carers so I can’t imagine that is a long term plan. Many thanks, everyone. I just keep looking at my little boy and thinking I should have been more fun, less naggy and perhaps if I hadn’t struggled with motherhood then he may not have fallen out of love with me. I love our little boy and my PND has never affected my parenting. If everything, it made me so devoted to the LB which may go some way in explaining the demise of my marriage. I just wish my husband could have seen past that.

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!!

Sorry for shouting.

It's not you. It's him.

He's had his head turned, realised he doesn't want to be a grown-up family man as he's no longer the centre of the universe and he's opting out.

As everyone else is saying, OP, this is really not your fault.

The more you post, the more a picture is emerging of your husband as a really not very nice man. Blames you for everything. You can't do right for doing wrong. Silent treatment. The gaslighting - thinking he can dump you and then turn up for breakfast. I bet there's LOADS more, and I bet it goes back through the whole of your marriage.

On top of all this, the fact that you are so down on yourself and taking all of the blame makes me think that he has really worn you down with this treatment over the years.

I know it doesn't seem like it now, but one day you'll look back on this and feel relief and gratitude that you were able to escape this man.

He is screwing a woman he works with. You need to find your inner anger op.

He feels guilty and is deflecting everything on to you. His thought processes are: "I'm cheating on my family but I will blame it all on my wife then she won't question me and I'm free to go about being the big, selfish, fuck head I've always been".

I am angry for you. Please get angry too.

Oh dear, he's completely worn you down.

You poor love, you really can't see anything but fault with yourself can you ?

He's broken you.

What a bastard, you need building back up.

Of course he thinks you're a great person and a great mum - because you are. Unfortunately, you are also an obstacle standing in his way of doing whatever it is he wants to do with whatever woman/women he thinks he should be entitled to enjoy.
God the script is so familiar. They have to come up with something negative about you so that they can get rid of the guilt they feel.
Call his bluff. Stop being accommodating. Grey rock and show him what a strong person you really are.

I’ve realised I can’t even contemplate not seeing wee man every single day. I’m willing to try anything.
Just got this from him today after he came to our son’s informal tour of his new preschool.
As we arrived at the car park, he was sitting and as I unstrapped DS, he came over to the car. I was courteous but made sure as went around on the tour, I spoke with others, engaged my son but did not engage in conversation with him.
As we were putting DS back in the car, DS says something about playing with Daddy. I smiled and said not right now honey. He said why not and husband replied I have to go back to work.
I got in the front seat and drove off. I had to stop in at the shop on the way home and as I pull my car into a space, my husband pulls into the space beside. I didn’t acknowledge. DS didn’t notice the car and then minutes after I get that message.
Shouldn’t he have thought about how important how family was before he packed a suitcase last night and told me he despised me?!

I’ve realised I can’t even contemplate not seeing wee man every single day. I’m willing to try anything

You mean he sent that message ?

Yes.

Does he mean he wants to come back ?

I don’t know. I haven’t replied. He just seems so out of wack. This is not the man I knew.

He's had his head turned at work. The shiney new one glimmers in the distance and he imagines his carefree exciting life with her. So sorry OP. You deserve someone who respects you and appreciates you.

Oh my. What a mind meld this is for you.
If you think it is worth entertaining, make sure you tell him what is expected of him for you to even consider a future with someone who said he despised you 5 minutes ago.
Maybe he lost his way and needed a wake up call. But he has placed at your feet a yawning crevasse and that evaporates a lot of trust and confidence. He needs to recognise that he played a part in what you got here, it's not all on you. And maybe you don't want to, and no-one would blame you for not putting your eggs in his basket now!
And by the way is like to congratulate you for the masterful way you handled all that. It sounded very dignified and I think your self respect was excellent. 👌

@AB10

I don’t know. I haven’t replied. He just seems so out of wack. This is not the man I knew.

So his message was all about your son and that he missed him, nothing about you or what he said to you? I'd tell him to piss off

So he says he despises you, but he wants to come back as he can’t contemplate not seeing DS every day?

Er, no, that’s not how marriages work. Loving and respecting your partner is a key component. He doesn’t get to disrespect you and stay.

This is good - I wasn't trying to suggest using the little boy as a weapon, not at all - but trying to show him that it's hard, really hard, being a separated parent and fulfilling your responsibilities.

If he's now realising that he doesn't get to live with and take care of his baby, it could be a way for him to realise his way back to a more mature sense of himself.

But he has to do all the work- loads of the emotional work. Don't let him off this now.

I didn’t see as doing that but maybe I did. We had a prearranged tour appointment. I am happy for him to be involved. But afterwards, my DS was going home. The home my husband had walked out of with a suitcase.
Perhaps I should have relented and let him come back but then I think that he has chosen to leave the family unit. He can’t expect life to remain the same.

If you really want this to work your only chance is shock him into coming to his senses. Kick him out, be ice cold. He needs to know that it is over for you and what he has to lose. Currently he thinks he has all the power- you need to take yours back.
Not sure I entirely understand you want to be with someone who despises you but that is your decision and understand how difficult things must be for you.

OP you're doing the right thing. Hold onto your power and don't let him have any power over you until this "phase" (midlife crisis/other possible problem) passes. It's the only real hope he'll come to his senses. So glad you're staying strong!! You are truly doing the right thing. Show him you don't need him (even if you feel like you do). I am sure it's so hard but keep going.