My husband keeps screaming

[Meg45]

Hi everyone. For years my husband has been a chilled out man who minds his own business. He's a quiet man, but for the past few months he keeps screaming at me over the littlest things. I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream, but it's constant and he reacts to the tiniest things. It seems he has had a complete personality change in the past few months and I'm not sure why. He's not having an affair or anything, is he sick of me?

@TheAverageUser

I think *@Rollercoaster1920* had some really great points around whether you are actively listening and taking in what he's saying.

For myself I know the only times I really lose my cool are when I feel like I'm not being listened to.

I second this. I hope @Meg45 has read @Rollercoaster1920 's excellent post. Since this is apparently a sudden change in behaviour I actually think the most likely cause is the one the husband himself said I.e. OP not actually actively listening and the husband has understandably had enough of the horrible disrespect.

In her OP, she doesn't actually deny what her husband is saying about her lack of active listening and responding to what he's telling her. I know people like this and they are the sort who don't bother to address their bad behaviour unless their partner does something dramatic.

If her husband is naturally a short tempered person this behaviour would have started WAY before now. It would be more likely that OP has become used to taking advantage of his easy going nature by tuning him out/not properly listening when he's trying to communicate to her (which is extremely rude), and he's finally had enough.

@HeadPain, I know it’s off-topic, but just wanted to say how sorry I am that you and your dad are going through that/have been through that. Your Dad’s story is startlingly similar to what happened to mine. We thought Dad had dementia/Alzheimer’s. (confusion, speech problems, forgetfulness, sleeping loads) and then things changed very, very rapidly until he couldn’t walk or talk at all and became incontinent. We took him to A&E where he was scanned and diagnosed with multiple brain tumours. He’d had a melanoma removed from his back some years prior. It’s a horrendous illness and so just couldn’t believe the speed of it. We first noticed changes in the June. He was diagnosed in July, and he died in August. I’m terrified of skin cancer these days.

Gambling/run up large debts/lost his job would be my first thought as he only screams at you

@JinglingHellsBells so that will be a no.

@JinglingHellsBells

Agree 100% - used to work for NHS and have experienced medically-induced behaviour changes that focused on specific people. Normally partners. Most often men with diabetes, but dementia also.

Oh you're an expert then @Christoncrutches 'Used to work for the NHS' .

It doesn't sound as if you are qualified to diagnose someone.

And @EmpressCixi My basic understanding of human nature is that no one goes from Jekyll to Hyde overnight without there being some cause. People do not normally change that quickly from calm, sweet, even tempered to raging and screaming banshee. he hasn't gone from Jekyll to Hyde or a screaming banshee.

Are you always this way with hyperbole?

People do reach the end of their tether. He isn't screaming (despite the subject line.)

He's showing a lack of patience and saying to his wife that she never listens to him.

That seems more like a relationship issue than anything else.

@JinglingHellsBells was a health adviser for many years, then social care support and now am a well-being professional.

No-one can diagnose either way via an online forum, hence safety first with clinical assessment to rule out underlying conditions.

You'd be surprised how targeted behaviour change can be - an incident sticks in my mind where an elderly man was becoming violent, but only with his wife - his (adult) children were having to hold him back from becoming physically abusive. He was diagnosed with diabetes.