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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My husband keeps screaming

155 replies

Meg45 · 15/12/2021 09:08

Hi everyone. For years my husband has been a chilled out man who minds his own business. He's a quiet man, but for the past few months he keeps screaming at me over the littlest things. I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream, but it's constant and he reacts to the tiniest things. It seems he has had a complete personality change in the past few months and I'm not sure why. He's not having an affair or anything, is he sick of me?

OP posts:
TalkToTheHand123 · 15/12/2021 12:42

How's the sex life?

Cuntnugget · 15/12/2021 12:55

Sounds like he's looking for a way out of the relationship and is doing everything verbally to get you to finish it, he's controlling the situation if he's not that way with anyone else. And I'm assuming he doesn't do it when at work...

Could be having an affair and wants you to ask him to leave/chuck him out the it absolves him of breaking up the family. It'd be your fault.

Ohdofuckofdear · 15/12/2021 12:56

He hasn't had an accident has he OP?it may sound far fetched but a nasty bang to the head left unchecked can cause a change in temperament and or behaviour.

Rollercoaster1920 · 15/12/2021 12:57

Do you listen to him? I mean actively listen rather than just hear noise or words?
Can you understand his point of view? Without agreeing or disagreeing.
Can you two understand each other and agree to disagree?
Do you override his point of view most of the time?

My hypothesis is the easy going partner might have had some frustrations with the conversation or power imbalance for a while and it's got to the straw breaking the camel's back point. It is quite a normal human reaction to shout when we are frustrated, angry and scared. Didn't we learn this with young kids?

If that's true it needs some hard and honest conversations. It might lead to counselling or marriage break up, but that is better than the current situation.

I say this as the person in a relationship who has started shouting when their partner doesn't listen. For me it feels like DP doesn't care about my point of view and is selfish, putting their wants and needs above mine too often (ideal relationships have compromise equally).

SixthFormchoices · 15/12/2021 13:17

If this is with you only, could it be that he has fallen out of love with you? and have found someone else? Especially since you met quite young and being together for awhile, as you said he is 38 and you have a 17 year old together

But if not, then it could be anything: Drugs, Alcohol, Stress , Health related

Hope you get to the bottom of it.

ClaudiaJ1 · 15/12/2021 13:22

You need to tell him in no uncertain terms he "needs to get help, or get out". You are not his emotional punching bag, you do not deserve to be abused - and that is what he is doing, he is abusing you. He needs to get checked out to see if he has a brain tumor or some kind of issue and if not that get psychological/mental help and medication. He needs to be told your marriage is at stake, you will NOT tolerate his abuse towards you, you don't deserve this, you deserve better. And he gets help or he gets out. In NO uncertain terms.

DogInATent · 15/12/2021 13:38

Definitely speak to his GP and try and get him to see the GP, which may be hard if DH doesn't recognise the problem.

That your son isn't getting the same treatment isn't particularly indicative of anything. If there's an underlying medical issue there may still be enough unconscious control to restrain the behaviour around a child/young person.

Sudden behaviour changes should always be investigated. There are many potential physiological and psychological causes. Please, please do your best to get it checked out.

skodadoda · 15/12/2021 13:41

@Meg45

I'm at the point where I can't ignore it anymore, something has to change, I agree. We have a 17 year old together. He's noticed his dads change in behaviour but only towards me, he's always fine with him.
This suggests that it’s not a medical problem if he only does it with OP
lockdownalli · 15/12/2021 14:03

@Meg45 Can you clarify?

Do you mean actual screaming? Or do you mean he is shouting at you? Very different things.

Either way, you need to have a very serious conversation with him. It's a horrible way for you and your DS to have live. Flowers

Dullardmullard · 15/12/2021 14:07

I have type 2 diabetes and before dx I was a crabbit bitch with all not just husband because my sugars where out of control so saying you’ll only do it to loved ones and hold it in around others isn't true.

He’s being abusive

Tell him to go to GP and state why bet he looks at you like your nuts.

Every time he screams or shouts walk away and say I’m not doing this unless you talk to me. If he says your not listening say listening to what if he screams again walk again.

If he won’t stop I’d seriously consider leaving

RosiePosieDozy · 15/12/2021 14:15

It's abusive. You're scared to say things in case he shouts at you.

I wouldn't be putting up with it. See what the doctor says. But if nothing changes, you shouldn't be living like this.

HeadPain · 15/12/2021 14:17

From experience, if it's only at OP it can definitely still be due to something medical. He could just be more triggered by OP for whatever reason. He needs to see a doctor. Ideally you need to go with him to the GP and tell them everything as he might not/might not be able to. If he won't go or call, it might be a good idea for you to speak to a doctor about it, maybe you can make a telephone appointment, and they'll advise you.

FabulousMrFifty · 15/12/2021 14:43

@Rollercoaster1920

Do you listen to him? I mean actively listen rather than just hear noise or words? Can you understand his point of view? Without agreeing or disagreeing. Can you two understand each other and agree to disagree? Do you override his point of view most of the time?

My hypothesis is the easy going partner might have had some frustrations with the conversation or power imbalance for a while and it's got to the straw breaking the camel's back point. It is quite a normal human reaction to shout when we are frustrated, angry and scared. Didn't we learn this with young kids?

If that's true it needs some hard and honest conversations. It might lead to counselling or marriage break up, but that is better than the current situation.

I say this as the person in a relationship who has started shouting when their partner doesn't listen. For me it feels like DP doesn't care about my point of view and is selfish, putting their wants and needs above mine too often (ideal relationships have compromise equally).

My ExW was a bit like this, she would hear me but just not listen to what I was saying , and I felt like yelling. Got a divorce, fixed that issue
4pmwinetimebebeh · 15/12/2021 14:50

[quote lockdownalli]@Meg45 Can you clarify?

Do you mean actual screaming? Or do you mean he is shouting at you? Very different things.

Either way, you need to have a very serious conversation with him. It's a horrible way for you and your DS to have live. Flowers[/quote]
Yes this, I can't imagine a grown man 'screaming' especially in public. Screaming to me is a group of primary school girls running around screaming or someone being frightened and screaming. Do you mean he shouts? Shouting is obviously not acceptable and must be horrible but if you mean a high pitched scream that sounds horrendous.

Ariann · 15/12/2021 14:57

No, he isn't "screaming" he is shouting. Men only scream when in agonising physical pain. Get the words right.

He says he is shouting at you because you don't listen to him. so instead of asking a bunch of strangers online, why don't you ask your husband to tell you what's wrong, and don't talk - listen to him.

Ariann · 15/12/2021 14:59

@Rollercoaster1920

Do you listen to him? I mean actively listen rather than just hear noise or words? Can you understand his point of view? Without agreeing or disagreeing. Can you two understand each other and agree to disagree? Do you override his point of view most of the time?

My hypothesis is the easy going partner might have had some frustrations with the conversation or power imbalance for a while and it's got to the straw breaking the camel's back point. It is quite a normal human reaction to shout when we are frustrated, angry and scared. Didn't we learn this with young kids?

If that's true it needs some hard and honest conversations. It might lead to counselling or marriage break up, but that is better than the current situation.

I say this as the person in a relationship who has started shouting when their partner doesn't listen. For me it feels like DP doesn't care about my point of view and is selfish, putting their wants and needs above mine too often (ideal relationships have compromise equally).

Great post.
EightWheelGirl · 15/12/2021 15:05

Check his testosterone. Hypogonadism is nicknamed ‘grumpy old man syndrome’.

HotSauceCommittee · 15/12/2021 15:18

What would happen if you told him to shut up and stop fucking shouting at you?
And demanded an apology for the aggressive behaviour?
Are you frightened of him?
He sounds horrible.

30mph · 15/12/2021 15:35

Could it be displaced guilt causing anger at you..?

Franklyfrost · 15/12/2021 15:43

Why does your husband think he’s screaming? What does he scream about?

TheAverageUser · 15/12/2021 15:47

I think @Rollercoaster1920 had some really great points around whether you are actively listening and taking in what he's saying.

For myself I know the only times I really lose my cool are when I feel like I'm not being listened to.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 16:00

@meg45 When someone overreacts and shouts if usually means they have some kind of simmering resentment and anger that isn't been openly discussed.

Your DH has already told you that he feels you don't listen.

Would you think about suggesting counselling to him? For you both as a couple?

That way, you can have a non-confrontational discussion.

There could be many reasons for his shouting.

Anger at your relationship
Frustration and anger about his career
Frustration with himself over his own shortcoming

and more...

why not sit down with a glass of something or a cup of tea and ask him how he's feeling?

One strategy counsellors can use is for each of you to take 15 mins to say how you feel, without the other person talking/ interrupting.

Might that work?

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 16:10

I doubt very much it's a medical issue. It would happen at work if it was that.

You need him to explain what he means by 'You don't listen to me'.

When people say that they can mean one of two things:

1 The actual words they say to describe something

2 The words they don't say (because they can't put their emotions into words) BUT hope the other person will read between the lines.

A really common example (often with men) is that when women say how they are feeling, a man will offer a practical solution. Often, that's not what's needed. The person who is upset/angry/ frustrated knows the practical or logical answer. What they need is a hug, a shoulder to cry on, some empathy.

So when someone says you don't 'listen' they don't just mean you can't hear their words.

They often mean your response falls short of what they need. And that is usually empathy.

An example....your DH may moan about a colleague or work, but is afraid to say he wants to throw in his career and do something else that might cause financial insecurity.

That's just one small example.

What you need to do is start asking him how he feels. Not just what he says but what's going on inside his head.

He may be sick of you, He may be having an affair. Who knows. But until you sit down and talk properly you won't know.

skodadoda · 15/12/2021 16:14

Not agreeing with someone does not equal not listening.

limitedperiodonly · 15/12/2021 16:52

Hark at all the armchair experts saying it can't possibly be medical because he appears to be able to pick and choose. Where did you lot get your medical degrees from?

He might be an abusive arsehole. But OP says his behaviour is out of character.

My father had Alzheimer's. He sometimes flew into terrifying rages but never with us - his children - and rarely with strangers. He took it out on my mum but he didn't know he was doing it.

He told me there was Nice Joan and Nasty Joan. He was terrified. He thought he was being held captive by two women and begged me to help him even though he had no idea who I was.

It was my mum. Nice Joan (not her real name) would watch TV with him and sing songs and stroke his hair. Nasty Joan made him get washed and dressed and fed him when he'd forgotten to eat and wiped his bum and did a million other things someone should never have to do for their partner but do because they love them and know that if the shoe was on the other foot their partner would do the same for them.

It could be lots of things including things other posters have suggested like diabetes which causes massive mood changes but happily can be easily dealt with.

@Meg45. Try to get him to a doctor. You have all my love whatever it turns out to be.