My husband keeps screaming

[Meg45]

Hi everyone. For years my husband has been a chilled out man who minds his own business. He's a quiet man, but for the past few months he keeps screaming at me over the littlest things. I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream, but it's constant and he reacts to the tiniest things. It seems he has had a complete personality change in the past few months and I'm not sure why. He's not having an affair or anything, is he sick of me?

Do you actually mean shouting, raising his voice? Or is he making a sound like a bean sidhe?

I do wish people would stop misusing the word scream to mean shout.

Hearing loss wouldn't explain the 'difference of opinion' element:

We'll go out for a meal and I feel I can't talk to him in case he has a different opinion then he'll start screaming about it.

Seems like he's able to hear things he likes.

@Christoncrutches

Don't have time to read whole thread but diabetes can cause this kind of behaviour change.

Yes, could be something physical, even extremely low iron, not necessarily something alarming.

I agree with PP - does he do this at work, or with his friends and family? Or is it just you?

Could it be drugs related?

My suggestions from experience:

Practice discreetly switching your phone to record whenever you sense he might be winding up to an episode. For evidence. My partner's episodes have lessened with age but he is 30 years older than yours and I wish I'd had the wherewithal to do that then.

Find out if others have been on the receiving end too. Or is it only you? The recording may help them take you seriously.

Set boundaries. Practise your 'no more' speech.

You may find it easier to put it all into writing, a formal letter that sets it all out.

State your terms - this kind of thing is a relationship breaker and he needs to have medical checkups if currently possible. Things like deafness, early dementia, head injury, brain tumour, diabetes etc have all been mentioned here. Time and early treatment are often crucial.

Gather up your courage and ask ... ' Is it me? Do you want to be in a relationship with me?' When I had to do this, my heart was thumping out of my chest but it started an important conversation.

We're much better now. I do hope you will be - but this can't go on, can it.

My dad went like this. He'd had a mini stroke probably in his sleep

I doubt this is a medical issue.
He justifies his screaming by claiming OP isn't listening.
He only screams at her.
He rarely apologises for anything.
Their son is beginning to notice.

Yep surely if it was medical it would be at anyone, their son, work etc. but it’s only OP.

@ElftonWednesday

Do you actually mean shouting, raising his voice? Or is he making a sound like a bean sidhe?

I do wish people would stop misusing the word scream to mean shout.

Yep, they're very different things and the meaning is completely lost here.

Reading between the lined I think she just means he loses his rag and yells at her.

I assume by screaming you mean shouting ?
Is he saying normal things at a higher volume or is he being angry ?

I also think that a medical cause would show up in a change in behaviour in other areas and with other people not just OP. Are there other things OP, any impulsive behaviour or lack of sound judgement where there would previously have been?

I assume you mean he is raising his voice or shouting rather than literally screaming.

I’m not clear here what you mean by ‘screaming’.

Screaming is a high-pitched, wordless response to fear or shock. If he is doing this at you, it will be frightening and baffling. Is he making this sound to cover or stop you speaking? If so, this is so far outside normal that I’d think he had had a complete breakdown and has a mental health emergency.

If you mean he is raising his voice to shout at you, then use ‘shout’, especially if describing it to someone medical, or they’ll get completely the wrong idea.

If he can function as an adult in the workplace without shouting at his colleagues, and can speak normally to your son without becoming enraged, then he is clearly in control of himself, and is therefore choosing to raise his voice to shout at you or over you. So it doesn’t have a medical cause.

Does this happen when you disagree over something? Is it when you are telling him something he doesn’t want to hear? Can you have a rational discussion about things one or both of you find difficult? Do you argue often? Is there a bone of contention between you which is colouring all your exchanges? You need to be clearer about what triggers it before we can properly advise.

Of course it could be medical.

Check up at Gp first.

Then other reasons.

Has he been spending time with a new friend or more time with a friend of dubious behaviour? Wondering if he's adopting the poor behaviour modelled by a friend to his dp.

I'd also be prepared to consider its as result of a change in his feelings to you, I'm afraid. Rule out medical first though.

Also, have you changed at all? I don't mean in a negative way, have you grown in confidence or independence lately? Are you spending more time with friends or supporting a family member?

Every time he screams just walk away.

@Meg45

I'm at the point where I can't ignore it anymore, something has to change, I agree. We have a 17 year old together. He's noticed his dads change in behaviour but only towards me, he's always fine with him.

Then he isn't ill. It's a choice. Bet he doesn't do it at work

How do you react?

What ever the cause of his change in behaviour, you cannot go on living like this, as the tension, uncertainty & grinding low level abuse will wear you down to affect your own health & wellbeing, & also for the rest of the family.

You are the closest to him & spend most time with him, you are the first to notice the change & take the brunt/first wave/rage. So far, his behaviour has not affected others so directly.

I like the approach suggested by @SocialConnection.Gather your evidence in a non-confrontational way, start to record discretely as you sense him cranking up. That you may notice or discern he follows a predictable pattern is of interest.

If you think that his behaviour changes have a medical basis, then suggest he visit the GP. But before you do that, I suggest that as his wife, & I assume that you use the same GP practice, that you speak with the GP to share your concerns - no more than that & you will not breach patient confidentiality - & that you are asking your OH to make an appointment. If his behaviours are affecting your own health, then see your GP for your own sake & explain the situation, again no breach of patient confidence.

Odds are your OH will resist going to the GP either because they don’t want to or have little insight, but you will have prepared the ground even if it lies fallow.

If the issue is not medical or psychological, then it’s a matter of his choosing to behave badly towards you & that is not acceptable. You offer him a choice: shape up or ship out.

PPs have made good suggestions around non-medical issues. New people, new websites he is into, is he tapping into new sources of indignation ? Uncertainty at work, recent losses ? Missed or broken plans/dreams/life passing him by.

Only drinking at weekend? Maybe not, possible increase during Covid of restricted movements so a possible everyday habit is harder to sustain or hide.

Loads of things are possible to determine his behaviour change.

Looking after yourself is foremost.

I found the use of 'screaming' here to be perfectly understandable.

Uts an often used term for aggressive shouting at someone

Was he in the Sistine Chapel at the time?

@Nanny0gg its very, very unusual to "scream" in a restaurant though. If he only does it with her it indicates he's losing his temper and raising his voice. I know she says people look when it happens but in a restaurant setting real screaming he'd probably have been asking to leave.

I think it's the title that's confusing. I expected it to be a thread about someone experiencing night terrors or similar and literally screaming.

The OP adds the crucial 'at me' part.

Even so, my idea of someone 'screaming at someone' in a restaurant is different from that of someone 'shouting at someone'. Shouting is loud, aggressive and unpleasant but more controlled. 'Screaming', even with words, is shrieky, piercing, totally out of control and really, really frightening.

Is he actually screaming or is he just raising his voice? I'm asking because I've met quite a few people who apply the description of 'screaming' very liberally which is often misleading. Screaming is extreme behaviour and should not be mixed up with simply raising one's voice a bit.

@Nanny0gg

I found the use of 'screaming' here to be perfectly understandable.

Uts an often used term for aggressive shouting at someone

Then the OP needs to say he is aggressively shouting at her, screaming means something completely different and I agree with pp I wish people would stop saying screaming when they mean shouting.

I’ve just listened to a true story about a scientist who suddenly started getting lost - he had a mass (not cancer) in his brain nudging on the very part of the brain that lets you visualise how places are mapped out.

Definitely get him to see his GP.

@dropitlikeitsloth

*I doubt this is a medical issue. He justifies his screaming by claiming OP isn't listening. He only screams at her. He rarely apologises for anything. Their son is beginning to notice.*

Yep surely if it was medical it would be at anyone, their son, work etc. but it’s only OP.

This. IF he CAN control it -ie not at work, only at you. Not in the cafe at staff but you -it is abuse.

Either way I would record it -without him knowing. If he won't go to the GP -either way you need to protect yourself. A scream, a shout, a push, it's all abuse.

@currering

Was he in the Sistine Chapel at the time?

🤣🤣 I've got what you meant