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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband keeps screaming

155 replies

Meg45 · 15/12/2021 09:08

Hi everyone. For years my husband has been a chilled out man who minds his own business. He's a quiet man, but for the past few months he keeps screaming at me over the littlest things. I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream, but it's constant and he reacts to the tiniest things. It seems he has had a complete personality change in the past few months and I'm not sure why. He's not having an affair or anything, is he sick of me?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 15/12/2021 16:57

Am I really the only person who has heard/used 'screaming' used to describe 'screaming in anger/in someone's face?'

It's not the same as screaming in fear or excitement but it's more aggressive than shouting.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 17:02

Hark at all the armchair experts saying it can't possibly be medical because he appears to be able to pick and choose. Where did you lot get your medical degrees from?

Pots and kettles. Grin

Hark at you too!

How come you are the one with the right answer?

It's got nothing to do with medical degrees. It's basic understanding of human nature.

The likelihood that a man of 38 has dementia is minute.

One of my parents died from dementia. They lost their temper with anyone and everyone. They tried to hit me. They swore and screamed.

That is not what this man is doing.

FGS.

EmpressCixi · 15/12/2021 17:15

@JinglingHellsBells
But the chances a 38yr old has had

  • a head injury
  • an overactive thyroid
  • a brain tumour
  • atypical depression/psychotic depression
  • late onset schizophrenia
  • personality disorder

Are not ‘minute’ and those are just the examples given here. There are many more medical issues that can cause a sudden change in character. An no one has diagnosed anything, what we have recommended is that OP get her DH to a doctor so that anything medical can be ruled out.

My basic understanding of human nature is that no one goes from Jekyll to Hyde overnight without there being some cause. People do not normally change that quickly from calm, sweet, even tempered to raging and screaming banshee.

4pmwinetimebebeh · 15/12/2021 17:31

@Nanny0gg

Am I really the only person who has heard/used 'screaming' used to describe 'screaming in anger/in someone's face?'

It's not the same as screaming in fear or excitement but it's more aggressive than shouting.

I appreciate but if he was screaming in fury in a public place rather than raising his voice people would step in? Call the police? Ask the woman if she needs help? Surely, I would.
Christoncrutches · 15/12/2021 18:00

[quote EmpressCixi]@JinglingHellsBells
But the chances a 38yr old has had

  • a head injury
  • an overactive thyroid
  • a brain tumour
  • atypical depression/psychotic depression
  • late onset schizophrenia
  • personality disorder

Are not ‘minute’ and those are just the examples given here. There are many more medical issues that can cause a sudden change in character. An no one has diagnosed anything, what we have recommended is that OP get her DH to a doctor so that anything medical can be ruled out.

My basic understanding of human nature is that no one goes from Jekyll to Hyde overnight without there being some cause. People do not normally change that quickly from calm, sweet, even tempered to raging and screaming banshee.[/quote]
Agree 100% - used to work for NHS and have experienced medically-induced behaviour changes that focused on specific people. Normally partners. Most often men with diabetes, but dementia also.

ufucoffee · 15/12/2021 18:17

Do you mean shouting?

limitedperiodonly · 15/12/2021 18:20

@JinglingHellsBells I'm not saying I have the right answer. I don't know because I am not medically qualified so wouldn't dare say the OP's husband's behaviour is because of one thing or another.

Even those on this thread who are medically qualified will not give a diagnosis because they have not examined OP's husband.

I gave a personal anecdote of my father who had a medical condition but seemed able to pick and choose his target to explain to those saying those things are incompatible that sometimes it happens. Your experience of dementia is different.

I didn't say OP's husband had dementia or another medical condition. I suggested he might in fact be an arsehole.

But one way to be sure is for the OP to try to 'get him to a doctor to try to get to the bottom of the distressing problems they have. That's all.

waterlego · 15/12/2021 19:21

My basic understanding of human nature is that no one goes from Jekyll to Hyde overnight without there being some cause. People do not normally change that quickly from calm, sweet, even tempered to raging and screaming banshee.

Absolutely. Either a medical cause or drug/alcohol related.

Onthedunes · 15/12/2021 19:45

There are so many nurological conditions that cause personality changes.

It should always be investigated, along with any additional symptoms.

So yes, definitely get him checked out, if he gets the ok and a clean bill of health. then you can kill him for being arsehole.

Onthedunes · 15/12/2021 19:59

nuerological

NowEvenBetter · 15/12/2021 20:20

@Onthedunes
Want to try that again? 😄

EmpressCixi · 15/12/2021 20:28

@waterlego
Drugs is a possibility. Not necessarily illegal ones. Even legal prescription drugs have been known to have psychotic or emotional lack of control side effects. There was a BC pill, ortho tricyclen (three different combinations each month) that would make me laugh and feel super happy and then seconds later I would be crying uncontrollably and raging at the world. I thought I had gone barking mad. But as soon as I was put on a different BC pill, I went back to normal. So that was emotional issues caused by hormone based medication.

HeadPain · 15/12/2021 20:42

My answer was based on my dad who has metastatic cancer including in his brain. But he did have other symptoms. Everyone was thinking dementia/Alzheimer's. Nobody thought this could be from a malignant melanoma removed 16 years prior with no further concern or treatment. I wish we had pushed for a head scan sooner.

HeadPain · 15/12/2021 20:45

It ended up diagnosed in A&E after he stopped walking and talking properly.

HeadPain · 15/12/2021 20:53

^ I think the walking/talking issues were due to swelling around the mets, because steroids sorted that out mostly, before he got started on his treatment. Anyway, sorry for rambling on or if I'm alarming anyone.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 21:23

Agree 100% - used to work for NHS and have experienced medically-induced behaviour changes that focused on specific people. Normally partners. Most often men with diabetes, but dementia also.

Oh you're an expert then @Christoncrutches 'Used to work for the NHS' .

It doesn't sound as if you are qualified to diagnose someone.

And @EmpressCixi My basic understanding of human nature is that no one goes from Jekyll to Hyde overnight without there being some cause. People do not normally change that quickly from calm, sweet, even tempered to raging and screaming banshee. he hasn't gone from Jekyll to Hyde or a screaming banshee.

Are you always this way with hyperbole?

People do reach the end of their tether. He isn't screaming (despite the subject line.)

He's showing a lack of patience and saying to his wife that she never listens to him.

That seems more like a relationship issue than anything else.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/12/2021 21:23

@FilledSoda

I assume by screaming you mean shouting ? Is he saying normal things at a higher volume or is he being angry ?
That is what I was unclear about, as I always understood "screaming" to be screaming in pain or fright.

The OPs husband seems to be yelling and bawling just at her, from reading the thread, so I am not sure it is a medical thing but just him being abusive.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 21:24

@ufucoffee

Do you mean shouting?
She does.

Because he says she never listens.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 21:26

I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream

It's all very well saying take him to the dr or get him to see a dr but do any of you think he is likely to do so?

Surely the first step is to arrange a time to sit together and talk all of this through, calmly.

He's not doing it at work or with their child.

So it seems it's not neurological if it's only when he is talking to the OP.

EmpressCixi · 15/12/2021 21:26

@JinglingHellsBells
It doesn't sound as if you are qualified to diagnose someone.

I’m not diagnosing anyone. I’m saying he should be seen by a doctor to rule out the multitude of medical issue that could cause such a sudden change in personality and behaviour. However you are apparently diagnosing him as being in perfectly normal health. Aren’t you? How else can you conclude

That seems more like a relationship issue than anything else.

Unless you have diagnosed him to be in perfect health?

EmpressCixi · 15/12/2021 21:31

@JinglingHellsBells
He's not doing it at work or with their child. So it seems it's not neurological if it's only when he is talking to the OP.

Sorry but this is bullshit...there is no such thing as the requirement for a medical issue to affect the person all the time around all the people always the exact same way. Many conditions fluctuate according to stress and energy levels. I’ve friends who’ve suffered serious head trauma from traffic accidents and the neurological effects do not result in the same behaviour at all times with all people. In fact it’s usually only when fatigued (another head trauma result) that the person snaps. So while they may have energy to mask the impacts around children, or ability to flee to a toilet for a break down at work, they then end up falling to pieces in front of their partner at the end of the day.

You cannot rule out a medical issue with such a simplistic all or nothing, black/white myth.

JinglingHellsBells · 15/12/2021 21:42

There is little point coming along with all these experiences to make your point @EmpressCixi.

We could all list every possible medical problem out there. We've all known people (friends and family and colleagues) with medical conditions that cause personality changes.

But that's pointless.

The starting point is for the OP to have a conversation with her H.

It's no good suggesting he sees a dr before he a) admits to and b) acknowledges his behaviour.

'Seeing a dr' suggests he can't control his shouting.
He may well be able to. Maybe he is just 100% pissed off with his wife and at the end of the line.
Or he may be super-stressed.

And it isn't nonsense to say that his ability to behave as 'normal' with others is relevant. It implies his behaviour is selective and he understands boundaries with other people.

She needs to talk to him.

limitedperiodonly · 16/12/2021 00:35

@JinglingHellsBells do you have any professional qualifications in this field? If so, would you provide links so they can be assessed? Thank you.

limitedperiodonly · 16/12/2021 00:39

But we seem to have scared @Meg45 off now. That wasn't the point of her asking for help so I'm truly sorry.

JinglingHellsBells · 16/12/2021 07:28

[quote limitedperiodonly]@JinglingHellsBells do you have any professional qualifications in this field? If so, would you provide links so they can be assessed? Thank you.[/quote]
Links to what? A CV?

I don't need to justify or explain my career to you or anyone.