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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband keeps screaming

155 replies

Meg45 · 15/12/2021 09:08

Hi everyone. For years my husband has been a chilled out man who minds his own business. He's a quiet man, but for the past few months he keeps screaming at me over the littlest things. I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream, but it's constant and he reacts to the tiniest things. It seems he has had a complete personality change in the past few months and I'm not sure why. He's not having an affair or anything, is he sick of me?

OP posts:
CheshireKitten123 · 15/12/2021 09:51

This is difficult to comment on without medical input.

He could be losing his hearing, be starting with dementia, have some other Mental Health problem.

He needs to get medical advice/hearing test.

Theblacksheepandme · 15/12/2021 09:52

Could be stress. Are there any issues going on in his life at all. Is he stressed about finances or anything? Sometimes coming up to Christmas can be a difficult time for people in relation to finances or remembering people we have lost in our lives.

Original poster
Meg45 · 15/12/2021 09:54

I'm at the point where I can't ignore it anymore, something has to change, I agree. We have a 17 year old together. He's noticed his dads change in behaviour but only towards me, he's always fine with him.

OP posts:
Uninterested · 15/12/2021 09:56

That sounds awful OP. Was he moody or bad tempered before?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 15/12/2021 09:57

Thats really worrying. It sounds like a mental breakdown. He needs help urgently.

GoGoGretaDoll · 15/12/2021 09:58

Behaviour changes can be caused by illness but it's highly unlikely to be an illness if he is literally only screaming at one person, the OP. If he's keeping it together at work and with their 17yo DC - and we all know teens can be challenging - then it's far more likely to be abuse than illness.

Theblacksheepandme · 15/12/2021 10:00

You need to sit him down and say that this can't go on anymore and suggest relationship counselling. If he loves you and he can see how sad his behaviour is making you he should be happy to go.

Seeingadistance · 15/12/2021 10:02

Do you mean he’s shouting at you? That’s bad enough, but screaming would be really alarming and quite bizarre.

Original poster
Meg45 · 15/12/2021 10:03

We don't have loads of money but financially we are fine. Im the one who buys all the Christmas presents, always have done, so it won't be that. I keep searching for something big that made him change, but I can't figure it out. He never had a temper, he used to be so laid back for years.

OP posts:
Theblacksheepandme · 15/12/2021 10:03

GoGoGretaDoll
I think we would require more information from OP before throwing out the word abuse.

Mistyhydrangea · 15/12/2021 10:03

My husband was like this got really aggressive and would scream at me all the time. Turns out he had type 2 diabetes. Would send his moods crazy, he got very abusive. He is much better now (very few episodes) once his blood sugar stabilised. Might be worth a blood test. It's a horrible thing to go through and I'm sorry.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/12/2021 10:03

Does it at work too, to his boss and any irritating clients, does he?

If not, it's probably his way of checking out of your relationship.

He does need checking out by a doctor anyway. He won't tell them the truth though. You should either speak to them or insist on going with him. Make his being checked out properly an ultimatum.

Bluetrews25 · 15/12/2021 10:05

If he only shouts at you, OP, that makes me wonder if he's trying to push you away so that you will break up with him, because he hasn't got the balls to just say that he wants to separate.
It doesn't sound medical in that case, more behavioural.

lottiegarbanzo · 15/12/2021 10:06

Also, you will need to be precise with your language when you speak to the doctor and to any counsellor.

Actually screaming, as in sharp, high-pitched, wordless noise? Or shouting words?

Crabwoman · 15/12/2021 10:08

My husband had a head injury that took a while to recover from. The effects of this were extreme confusion and a temper.

Because we understood it we could both work with it. Whilst he has recovered from the head injury, it has caused long term anxiety and stress issues.

Today I'm still not 100% sure if this is caused by the injury or has been triggered by the stress of the injury and side effects.

I'd get him to speak to his GP as soon as possible. If it's completely new then it could be an injury, stress, an infection or early stages of something.

Branleuse · 15/12/2021 10:09

Have you sat down and talked with him about it. Tell him that you think its a change of character and its upsetting you, but you want to give it a chance to be talked through and to find out what you can both do to change this pattern, as obviously you cant sustain being shouted at long term. Is he under stress that hes not telling you about. Has he noticed himself becoming less tolerant?

FlowerArranger · 15/12/2021 10:09

I doubt this is a medical issue.

He justifies his screaming by claiming OP isn't listening.
He only screams at her.
He rarely apologises for anything.
Their son is beginning to notice.

All this points to him feeling different about the relationship. Something has changed. It could be an affair, or simply feeling that the relationship is no longer what he wants.

But tiptoeing on eggshells and worrying and merely asking 'what's wrong?' isn't going to solve this problem. You need to tell him firmly that you are not prepared for this to continue.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 15/12/2021 10:11

Does he do this to anyone else other than you?

If this change is showing up in all areas of his life, then he needs to get to the doctor. There are so many things. Imbalance in his blood sugars, mini stroke etc. He needs checked.

If it is only to you, then he needs to leave. Tell him to leave or you leave and he can seek therapy but you cant live like that.

EmpressCixi · 15/12/2021 10:12

@GoGoGretaDoll

Behaviour changes can be caused by illness but it's highly unlikely to be an illness if he is literally only screaming at one person, the OP. If he's keeping it together at work and with their 17yo DC - and we all know teens can be challenging - then it's far more likely to be abuse than illness.
Not true that illness means you’re a certain way all the time and to everyone. There is atypical depression for one. Head injuries can also cause dramatic personality changes that cause the person to be irrationally angry around their partner but not random people...say at work. Also a personality disorder can do the same where you treat people you love like you hate them (but only the people you love).

Since it’s a dramatic change and completely out of character for him, it is highly likely to a medical issue and not him waking up one morning and deciding he’s going to be an abusive asshole from now on just because....

Dolphinnoises · 15/12/2021 10:12

I know this sounds bonkers but is he spending a lot of time on YouTube?

SpanielsAreMyLife · 15/12/2021 10:15

Is he screaming at anyone else or just you?

That would be my barometer here.

If he does this at work/social settings with others, then something medical may be happening. If it's just you, he's an abusive arse.

kweeble · 15/12/2021 10:18

He doesn’t care for you - he can control himself around others. Give him and ultimatum - this stops now or he leaves.

IamGusFring · 15/12/2021 10:22

@Silvershroud

He really needs to see a doctor, but he may minimise the symptoms. Maybe you should see your GP , explain what is going on, and ask the way forward. It is not something you can ignore - not to frighten you but the sooner it is investigated the better.
Sadly a doctor is unable to do much in that scenario . It has to be the patient who initiates unless the doc can call him in on some other kind of routine check . Not likely currently .
artquejtion · 15/12/2021 10:27

This might sound silly, but I had massive rages before I was diagnosed with an overactive Thyroid, (Graves disease). I really only had the rage at home, but I was massively irritated all the time.

My marriage almost collapsed under the strain of it, I couldn't explain why I was so angry all the time, and my husband and kids couldn't understand. It was a complete personality change for me, thankfully medication, and now in remission, helped me return to normal.

"Graves Rage is a sudden burst of uncontrollable anger and it's a very real symptoms of Graves Disease. The trigger is typically a combination of stress, hyper symptoms, anxiety, paranoia, brain fog and/or memory laps. The moment often feels like the brain cannot possibly compute one more thing and we just lose it."

I hope he will see a Dr. so he can rule out medical issues and work out what is going on with him.

Opal8 · 15/12/2021 10:32

Record him on your phone in a screaming fit

OW?

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