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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband keeps screaming

155 replies

Meg45 · 15/12/2021 09:08

Hi everyone. For years my husband has been a chilled out man who minds his own business. He's a quiet man, but for the past few months he keeps screaming at me over the littlest things. I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream, but it's constant and he reacts to the tiniest things. It seems he has had a complete personality change in the past few months and I'm not sure why. He's not having an affair or anything, is he sick of me?

OP posts:

Vapeyvapevape · 15/12/2021 10:33

If he’s only screaming at you then I doubt it’s medical.

Lovemusic33 · 15/12/2021 10:37

@FlowerArranger

I doubt this is a medical issue.

He justifies his screaming by claiming OP isn't listening.
He only screams at her.
He rarely apologises for anything.
Their son is beginning to notice.

All this points to him feeling different about the relationship. Something has changed. It could be an affair, or simply feeling that the relationship is no longer what he wants.

But tiptoeing on eggshells and worrying and merely asking 'what's wrong?' isn't going to solve this problem. You need to tell him firmly that you are not prepared for this to continue.

I agree with this. I think I became like this with dh towards the end of our relationship, everything he did annoyed me and I think it was due to the fact I no longer loved him (we had grown apart). I think I would be having a serious talk to discus if he still wants to be with you, if he does then he needs to address this behaviour because no one deserves to be screamed at. I also agree that there’s a chance he has had his head turned by someone else ☹️.

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/12/2021 10:37

@Meg45

I'm at the point where I can't ignore it anymore, something has to change, I agree. We have a 17 year old together. He's noticed his dads change in behaviour but only towards me, he's always fine with him.

Until this post, I was thinking about a friend who developed a brain tumour and had a complete personality change, from engaged and driven to disinterested and lazy.

But -
If there was a physical cause for the behaviour change, I don't think he would just be screaming at you, he'd be screaming at everyone. For that reason, I think it points more towards him CHOOSING to be an abusive prick to you.

beastlyslumber · 15/12/2021 10:40

If it's a medical issue then you'd think he'd be screaming at everyone - your DC, his colleagues, neighbours etc. If it was some kind of illness or condition that made him uncontrollably angry, he wouldn't be able to control it, by definition.

He's only screaming at you, OP. He says it's your fault for not listening. He never apologises. You're frightened of him.

It's abusive. Don't accept this behaviour any more.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 15/12/2021 10:48

When he says you "don't listen so he has to scream", does he actually means "not agreeing"? I'm assuming that as you haven't said it's about particular topics that it's not one of the many cases we hear on MN about men getting angry with their partners about different views on brexit/covid/vaccinations/conspiracy theories though. There's a lot of division lately and so many stories of strained relationships due to these.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 15/12/2021 10:48

I wasn't sure what this thread was about until I opened it then realised what you call screaming I call yelling and shouting loudly in an abusive fashion. To me screaming is something you do when terrified.

He sounds as if something has happened to trigger it OR there is some health issue at the bottom of it, like all other posters have said. But you shouldn't be on the receiving end of it.

Branleuse · 15/12/2021 10:48

The thing is,if its a recent personality change and he was prviouslyquite chilled, then i think in such a long term relationship you are obviously going to want to rule out medical reasons. Most people dont want to rush into leaving their long term companion

NowEvenBetter · 15/12/2021 10:48

He only verbally abuses you? He never apologised for things?
Sounds like a case of Divorce-itis. He can make a GP appointment himself if he actually thinks verbal abuse is a medical condition, ffs.

NowEvenBetter · 15/12/2021 10:48

*apologises

RRBB1920 · 15/12/2021 10:49

My first thought as a deaf person was is dh hearing fading hence his shouting and frustration? But that doesn't excuse rudeness.

SeparateVaccines21 · 15/12/2021 10:52

My sister is like this and she has a brain tumour. She actually rarely talks at a normal level, she always shouts. And she shouts the most at my mum, I’m assuming because she lives with her.

SpaceshiptoMars · 15/12/2021 10:56

Could it be physical pain? Something deep internally, pressure building up? Loved ones are the fall guys when people just can't handle life any more - because they are supposed to understand what is going on 'psychically'.

TheCreamCaker · 15/12/2021 10:58

Is he depressed or anxious? Money/work worries?

thenightsky · 15/12/2021 11:00

DH often shouts his side of a conversation. I ask him to turn the volume down but he says he's not shouting, he's just speaking clearly. Turns out he's going deaf.

Screaming is mouth wide open with an ear piercing noise coming out, like a toddler tantrum, which I don't think I've ever seen a grown man do. He needs to get to the doctor for that.

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 15/12/2021 11:00

Those saying well he would be screaming at everyone, of course this is not the case. Most people try hard to contain their emotions at work and with friends, but let them out more in their own homes, this is not a sign of deviance or abuse on its own. Of course you are more honest with your nearest and dearest, because you are not pretending all the time.

Actually, the fact he would 'scream' in public at you is a really bad sign, either he genuinely is so angry he can't control it or there's something terribly wrong with him.

People with brain tumours or undiagnosed diseases (e.g. diabetes, some of the ones mentioned on this thread) can get very angry sometimes, but they try hard to mask it in public and then let it out in private.

I'm not saying he's not abusive, he definitely is and it's frightening to you and making you behave differently- but I would be talking to him when he's not shouting about why this is now happening and how different it is from before and how you won't be able to live like this much longer- then I would definitely get him seen at the drs for starters if he's amenable to that.

FabulousMrFifty · 15/12/2021 11:03

I keep asking him why he's screaming instead of talking, he just says I don't listen when he talks so he has to scream

Is this a communication breakdown?
Is he trying too make some kind of point that he feels you don’t listen to him ?

Ozanj · 15/12/2021 11:06

If he’s only screaming at you it won’t be medical. I think you need to prepare for him having an affair - the change is too sudden. Such a sudden loss of respect means he is comparing you negatively with someone else. Are you married? Do you have access to joint family finances? If you aren’t married then I would suggest getting your financial ducks in a row now. Start slowly transferring money into your own name.

Christoncrutches · 15/12/2021 11:08

Don't have time to read whole thread but diabetes can cause this kind of behaviour change.

Roselilly36 · 15/12/2021 11:10

@Theblacksheepandme

Could be stress. Are there any issues going on in his life at all. Is he stressed about finances or anything? Sometimes coming up to Christmas can be a difficult time for people in relation to finances or remembering people we have lost in our lives.

This was my immediate thought, financial pressure coupled with the Covid situation, do you think he’s worried about something? I hope you get it sorted out, it’s unfair to be snapping at you OP.

MMMarmite · 15/12/2021 11:10

Sudden behaviour change needs checking out, it could for example indicate a brain tumor.

But barring medical reasons, his behaviour is unacceptable. You shouldn't have to live like that

starfishmummy · 15/12/2021 11:11

@Meg45

Thank yous, I'll definitely convince him to go to the doctors. He could be stressed, he does work hard but he loves his job. He drinks on a weekend but thats about it.

Can you go with him to the Doctor? And make sure he tells the doctor what is actually going on rather than minimising it.

Roselilly36 · 15/12/2021 11:12

I doubt it medical if he’s ok with your son, and this behaviour is only directed at you, try not to worry, but get to the bottom of it.

starfishmummy · 15/12/2021 11:13

@thenightsky

DH often shouts his side of a conversation. I ask him to turn the volume down but he says he's not shouting, he's just speaking clearly. Turns out he's going deaf.

Screaming is mouth wide open with an ear piercing noise coming out, like a toddler tantrum, which I don't think I've ever seen a grown man do. He needs to get to the doctor for that.

I wondered about hearing loss too. Which would explain why he thinks he doesn't get a response.

AuntMargo · 15/12/2021 11:16

Lets come away from this being medical, although obviously cant be ruled out, but if he is acting like this only with you, than I think there may be issues with his feeling for you. Sorry if thats harsh, and dont wish to upset you, but think you should ask him outright.

WildMaryBerriesWithBrandyCream · 15/12/2021 11:17

This sounds miserable for you OP - I hope it can be sorted out very soon - it is no way to live.

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