I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

[Maybeknights]

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

• The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
• the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
• I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
• she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
• he can’t book any time off work
• he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
• he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

I think sometimes on a logical, rational level you can know something is false but because on an emotional level you want it to be true, on that level you believe it. It's more of a faith-like belief than something you hold as a fact. And because it's not based on facts, facts aren't much good for combatting it.

So I don't think there's that much you can do for your friend OP other than keep an eye out, quietly find out as much as you can about this man, and bide your time. Maintain the friendship and support her rather than challenge her, so she feels able to turn to you if and when she does realise what he's like. But ultimately if she keeps deluding herself, in whatever way, you might end up distancing yourself from her for your own sake.

Married.

If you think her property may be at risk you can sign up for an alert here www.gov.uk/guidance/property-alert. It would at least give you a heads up if he tries anything.

You could try and use the only image you have of him and see where it crops up on-line eg on his Facebook page

It seems unlikely from what you've said, OP (and I'm sorry if I've missed some details) but is there a chance the boyfriend could be an invention made up by your friend? Have you ever seen him in real life?

I only mention it as I had an acquaintance when I was younger who'd come out with some bizarre, elaborate and long-term lies about wonderful and exciting men she was dating, even going so far as to arrange for rings and flowers to be delivered to herself! She did this from high school all the way into her twenties, on and off. They'd all be in the military and posted all over the world, of course. She's now married to a real-life man and has calmed down, thank goodness!

On another note - I'm always surprised how common it is for shady men to bullshit about being in the military. I've had guys pull this one on me a couple of times - my favourite thing to do is to let them go on about it for several minutes, and then bring up my actual RAF pilot partner of several years and bombard them with detailed questions. They usually choose to "emergency eject" shortly after.

Him being in the army is bullshit simply because you don't write a resignation letter. You go on JPA and click a few boxes - that's it. Soldiers literally call it '7 clicks to freedom'. (I'm a veteran). He will also get time off especially over Christmas. Please, the army is mostly a buckshe job until you're on exercise or deployed which he clearly isn't if she's bumping into him out and about.

I didn't read the rest (or any comments, sorry) because that first bit told me everything I needed to know - he's a walt. He's lying. He's making up a fantasy because he's either married or unhinged.

I'm 99.999999% sure you're dead right, having (thankfully briefly) been with someone who fell into this Walter Mitty type category many years ago. I was very young and very naive.

You sound like a lovely friend with bags of common sense, but from personal experience, I'm afraid all you can really do is be there for her when the scales fall from her eyes and she finally realises what he is, or rather, is not.

Someone way upthread mentioned Mary Turner Thompson. Maybe you could gift your friend her fascinating book for Xmas?

Mary helped me directly when my marriage fell apart. My husband was a sociopath and compulsive liar who had a double life. The OW had no idea she wasn’t the main relationship. Ironically she went without seeing him on Xmas days because he had military commitments too (he’d never seen service in his life!!) I won’t bore with the details but I am (I think!) an articulate, intelligent person and he managed to do that to me. He’s since done the same to his new partner who tracked me down.

IF this man is of the same ilk, please remember that he’s absolutely loving and living on the adrenaline of this. It’s compulsive behaviour - the lying, getting away with it and getting someone to believe you literally give these people a thrill. And when it all comes crashing down, he’ll want to win her back into the game as without her in it, it’s no fun. So he will beg and plead and come creeping back, as you have already seen once. People like this hook into people with vulnerabilities (again, see her book!) as they are easier prey. They love bomb you until you’re hooked in. They are very clever and very manipulative. It’s quite typical behaviour of a narcissist or sociopath.

Be there for her but also do your own homework (maybe you should read up on Mary Turner Thompson too!) as breaking the cycle will be hard when it all comes out.

There is an excellent US website on this matter:

lovefraud.com/

Haven’t rtft.

I had a similar experience. I never got to the bottom of it. I’m pretty sure he gave me a fake name and I think his photo on the online dating site wasn’t him (I did think when I met him that he’d changed a lot since his photo but stupidly didn’t question it).

He was ‘in the RAF’. He just disappeared one day and I’ve never heard of him out from him since.

No more online dating for me…

‘or’ not ‘out’

I think if she knows what you think and has decided to go along with it anyway, then I wouldnt be doing any digging, but id definitely keep mentioning the word "MARRIED" cough - married any time she mentioned anything dodgy like that. Maybe play the song "the married men" on repeat when she comes round

I don't think their is any point in doing anything about this to be honest.

If you find evidence that he's married and a liar, your friend will just choose to ignore it or make excuses to counter your findings.

Seriously, I would just not get involved and set about distancing myself from this friend.

I agree, he sounds like a con artist and at some point you need to consider when its time to protect yourself.

For those saying to drop this friend etc.

I'm just glad I didn't drop my friend. She was completely taken in by this manipulative man, he destroyed her emotionally and she's never fully recovered. But at least I was there when it fell apart.

Friends don't just walk away when things get difficult, at a time when you need to be providing support.

Let her know you don't think they way he's treating her is acceptable, and you're worried for her. But if it turns out you're wrong you'll be happy for her, and that she has you to turn to if (when) it goes to shit and you won't say 'I told you so'.
She's going to need it.

At least, hopefully, if she's going to tie herself to him financially she'd have to know his real name, address history, employment details etc on the mortgage application. I suspect there will be a reason why that can't happen, and he'll try to convince her to take the mortgage out in her own name - but name him on the deeds. Or just disappear before it gets to this point.

The Weather field One? 😁

This post has made me feel I wish we knew names in case his wife is on here.

It all sounds so sad. If you are certain he isn't who he says he is, and I suspect you think he is married and / or not in the army then say your peace and I suspect you have to end the friendship. Tell her you'll be there for her if it all ends, if you would be but you can't do much more.

I honestly don't see what else you can do. If I had the cash, I'd pay a personal detective to get the truth. I'd keep in touch with her and help her pick-up the pieces, if he does dump and run again.

Thanks everyone so much for your support and ideas. As I’ve said in a previous post if I didn’t have 2 babies and love so far away I’d stake out her house! I honestly think whatever I found would either drive a wedge between us or she simply wouldn’t believe it. As some of you have said already it seems as though she must know this is off in her heart of hearts but is willing to go along with it in exchange for the feeling of being wanted and not alone which is what makes this so frustrating and incredibly sad.

Myself and another friend who I have confided in have done as much digging as we can online and can’t find anything on him. I think he’s covered his backside pretty well.

I think as many of you have said, all I can do now is be as supportive as possible and be ready to pick up the pieces as much as that hurts. If anything develops that I’m worried will effect her financially or if I get a sniff of physical abuse I will call the police.

@Maybeknights you still haven’t actually said whether you’ve met him or not?

@Hairywoes I haven’t met him. Nobody has. He only ever drops by fleetingly from what I understand. I’ve said I can be there in an hour if she wants me to meet him. We’ve been very close friends for many years and she’s basically part of my family. In the years that she was single she has stayed with my family a lot so I can only assume the fact that I haven’t met him yet is because all they do is get together for the kind of time I wouldn’t be welcome at if you catch my drift, or she doesn’t actually want me to meet him because she’s knows I’d uncover something she doesn’t want said out loud.

I’ve said I’m happy that she’s happy but will reserve judgement on him until we’ve met given how it ended last time. I think that’s fair enough. I’m seeing her this weekend so will press her again for a meeting.

I’m sorry, but from the very beginning I felt this was a fantasy of hers. I don’t think he’s real. Even more so you’ve confirmed you’ve never met him.

Have you any solid proof that he’s real? Heard him on the phone?

Awful situation either way, I hope your friend will be ok.

My advice having had a friend with a boyfriend I disapproved of?

Tell her your concerns once and once only. Don’t shy away from your honest thoughts and don’t hold back from telling her what your concerns are, as vividly as you deem necessary. Make it clear it’s because you’re an old friend and concerned for HER welfare. I wouldn’t bother arguing about it. Just here is my opinion - take it or leave it - smile and have another mince pie.

After that, drop the subject completely. If she brings him up (and you are still concerned) say nowt and move onto something else quickly. Otherwise you can end up messing up the friendship completely, and they will still have the dodgy boyfriend, until, whenever.

I also suspect he isn't real

@Maybeknights I haven’t met him. Nobody has.

Your friend has made him up. He’s a fantasy. She probably loves the drama and attention and how all her friends keep checking up on her. Don’t waste anymore energy on her.

Have you reverse searched the photo ?