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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend isn’t what he seems

548 replies

Maybeknights · 14/12/2021 20:34

Ok this is a bit of a saga but I’m constantly worrying about her and don’t know what to do. Here goes…

My friend met someone online a few years ago and they ‘dated’ for about 6 months. By dated I mean he popped over to her flat whenever he could. They never actually went out together and nobody met him. He is apparently in the army and everything he does is very secretive, he can’t take any time off so those stolen moments were all they could have. After a while my friend found this too difficult so threatened to break it off and he told her he would leave the army. He wrote his resignation letter and showed her before submitting it. Next thing she bumped into him in public at a busy tube station and went to kiss him and he pushed her away and acted like he didn’t know her… when she text to ask wtf he said his feeling had changed and that was that!!! She was REALLY sad. He never contacted her again.

Fast forward 3-4 years and she says that she’s dating him again. After 4 weeks they have said they love one another and are talking about buying a house together. My friend owns her own flat but is currently job searching after bing made redundant earlier this year. I asked her how he explained what happened last time and she was in total denial - said it never happened. He was in a bad place, ptsd, etc and wasn’t in the right space for a relationship so it ended. Now he’s all good and they’ve picked up like they were never apart…

I asked what had changed in terms of his availability and she said nothing has, but now since being alone in covid lockdown she’s willing to put up with it rather than not be with him. He’s still coming over at night a few times a week and they still haven’t been anywhere together and nobody had met him still! He has said he’ll go to her parents for Christmas Day but I 100% guarantee some kind of emergency will mean that he can’t!

On to the red flags:

  • The regiment he says he’s part of isn’t based where he says he’s based.
  • the stories he tells about what he’s been doing are totally out of line with his supposed army job. The things he’s supposedly doing are like scenes from James Bond movies and would be the responsibility of anti terror police, MI5, interpol etc. so far fetched
  • I asked if she’d be going to any Christmas balls or dinners on his arm and she said there wouldn’t be any. My friends with army husbands are going to lots of different functions
  • she said his family live up north and he’s not close to them but he has a sister who lives nearby with her two kids who he sees a lot (I’m sure this is cover for his wife and kids incase my friend sees him out with them!)
  • he can’t book any time off work
  • he smothers her with compliments and platitudes and I think he’s just making her drop her guard completely so she’ll do anything he says
  • he won’t have his photo taken. She doesn’t have a single photo of him apart from the one from his original dating profile

I’m really worried if I ask too many questions or act too suspicious she’ll start keeping secrets from me but I feel like I need to keep a close eye on this! What would you do? I also think she’s so deeply in love that if I ever speak against him it would deeply threaten our friendship. When she told me about being back with him she was almost manic. It didn’t sound like her speaking at all. It had only be 4 weeks and she started talking about weddings and things.

During lockdown she was suffering from really bad anxiety and depression and was incredibly lonely. I really fear he could break her heart and push her over the edge. She’s even said now that she doesn’t want to look for a new job or will look for something exclusively from home so she can be around when he’s available…

Am I just be super suspicious? And what would you do?!

OP posts:
CambsAlways · 15/12/2021 08:48

I feel very much for your friend who is really taken in by this arsehole, I don’t really understand how anyone can fall for all these lies, makes me so bloody angry these con men always know who to target the vulnerable, she obviously is so into him and won’t take any notice of what you are saying, he’s done a good job on her, so sickening isn’t it! If it was me I wouldn’t say anymore to her, but I’d be doing my own bit of research on him behind the scenes,

BertramLacey · 15/12/2021 08:51

look on an ancestry website to try to locate his birth records, also check for any marriage etc records

Even when you know you've got the right name it can be difficult to know if you've got the right person. With this one anything he says could be a lie. He might say he's Tim Jones, he's 32, his birthday is 8th January and he grew up in Monmouthshire. You could find someone who more or less matched that little lot and be thinking great, found him. Reality is he's actually Tim Smith, 35, born 5th May and grew up in Sevenoaks. And even then if you could get the accurate stuff, you'll find that without ordering a marriage certificate, the info given on Ancestry re. marriages is vague enough it might or might not be him. I wouldn't bother.

HibiscusIsland · 15/12/2021 09:00

Thoroughly dodgy. Sounds like she's his bit on the side. I feel for her when he lets her down on Christmas day

Alittlelost0 · 15/12/2021 09:07

Listen to the 'something was wrong' podcast. Lots of stories of this type of thing on there. Along with what happened and what people did to find out the truth. Might be helpful!

Theunamedcat · 15/12/2021 09:11

Watch catfish take notes

Malibuismysecrethome · 15/12/2021 09:15

I have met a couple of people like this, one of whom was a woman who said she was a heiress.
It is rare fortunately and their life stories are normally so fanciful that they are not hard to spot.
You need more information on this person or if you are worried take your concerns to the police.

IceandIndigo · 15/12/2021 09:22

He's obviously dodgy as hell. I think the best thing you could do would be to push for a meeting with him, that way you can frame it as her best friend wanting to meet this guy who's clearly so amazing and important to her. And if he refuses to meet you that creates an excuse to open up a conversation with her about his odd behaviour.

If he does agree to meet you you need to find a moment alone with him and let him know you're on to him. Try to record the conversation on your phone if you can.

MimiDaisy11 · 15/12/2021 09:23

I’ve done some SM searching but his name is a bit common

If that is his name! I’d be skeptical of everything.

I was originally going to advise you to write out an email detailing matter of fact all the dodgy issues to send to her but I think you should just try talking to her. Explain your concerns and say if you’re wrong then go meet his sister, go to his place, get photos taken etc etc all things which should be easy to do if he wasn’t married. Also mention about Christmas and your concerns. Either an emergency will come up and he’ll miss the whole day or he’ll be in and out as he’s given wife an excuse for why he has to go out for a few hours.

Lilymossflower · 15/12/2021 09:25

Unfortunately with my experience of friends with abusive men, the best thing to do is just be Lovley and friendly and supportive and not say anything against the bloke cause the friend will get defensive and cold with you... But you can drop in lots of little comments like 'so and so's boyfriend took her to dinner with his parents the other day, I think that's so Lovley, don't you thi k that's so Lovley... ?' and drop comments about positive relationship examples and negative relationship examples into conversations where you can also. All the while being a support for her self esteem so not all her self esteem is based on him. Take her out to do girly things that will make her feel good and confident without him around

AlternativePerspective · 15/12/2021 09:27

Are you sure he’s actually real?

Either way I really don’t know how women are so gullible as to fall for these lies.

Someone I know has a son who is a compulsive liar, has invented money he doesn’t have, a life he doesn’t have, has claimed his parents are dead and he’s inherited all their money, it’s so fanciful it’s laughable. And yet he has at least 4 women on the go that we know of. The worst thing about it is that all these women now know about each other as his lies have unravelled somewhat in the past year, and yet they all say they’re in love with him and want to stay loyal to him. What the bloody hell is wrong with them?

I can sympathise with someone who gets drawn into this kind of thing without their knowledge. But less so with someone who finds out the truth and sticks by them regardless.

Lilymossflower · 15/12/2021 09:28

And as others have said, being firm with wanting to meet him as you wanna get to know this guy who is so important to her, etc ,framed in a friendly way. And don't be afraid to call the police behind her back if you have too, as awful as that sounds.

christmaspavlova · 15/12/2021 09:29

Maybe contact the relevant army branch with your concern that somebody is impersonating a soldier/ mi5 agent or whatever he is claiming to be today, ask what you should do?

LondonJax · 15/12/2021 09:30

My parents best friends son was in the armed forces. We, and all his friends, knew about that. As did his girlfriend. There's no big secret needed about being in the armed forces. It's a job. Yes there were certain things he couldn't mention. Yes he could be called back to barracks immediately if he was on leave - just like a police officer can have leave cancelled. But he had holidays, down time, just like people who work in an office or whatever.

If he had been in special ops or something similar (whatever they're called) he wouldn't be telling anyone about it. He wouldn't be telling a new girlfriend what he did and then telling her that he can't be seen out with her because of his job. He'd be telling her he's a salesman or has to go abroad on regular visits in his 'civvie' job to cover that he's actually 'undercover'. Otherwise he'd have immediately broken some sort official secrets act wouldn't he? Just like your friend's boyfriend.

There's a family somewhere, he does a straightforward job and he's playing her.

MimiDaisy11 · 15/12/2021 09:32

I don’t know about the advice saying to confront him and saying that “you’re onto him”. I think that could have a number of negative outcomes. You’ve no idea what kind of person he is and he could also try to isolate your friend from you.

christmaspavlova · 15/12/2021 09:32

@christmaspavlova

Maybe contact the relevant army branch with your concern that somebody is impersonating a soldier/ mi5 agent or whatever he is claiming to be today, ask what you should do?
Also mental health wise is your mate okay? Are you sure this individual is actually real and Not a fantasy?
Gonnagetgoing · 15/12/2021 09:37

I was engaged to someone years ago who was in the Army - but I met him when on leave - he apparently lied and cheated years after we broke up - but when we were together, yes quite boring as was now in Army intelligence, I know him in past few years and he's on FB but not on there much, mostly posting photos of him where he was posted with local kids (him in uniform) or in casual clothes (but he liked camouflage print off duty) in various tourist destinations and quite boring - doesn't post much about what he does and now retired.

There are LOADS of army and other working away type con-men who've targeted me and a few friends via FB and Insta over the past few years - they mostly target 40s age women but could be younger. I admit with one, I was pulled in (very convincing) but soon realised he was based in Nigeria or China and a conman. Friends have been conned but not given anything. There is one schoolfriend who I know though (rarely see) who the army man is German, it's either a con or he is actually real or interested but probably having an affair. She's very naive though with 1 young son and their 'relationship' is conducted mostly via Insta. She wouldn't listen if anyone told her he could be a con though and it was only when it got too much (seeing endless videos/photos of her almost doing a striptease/showing loads of cleavage) that I sent her a message and deleted her off Insta.

With your friend you have two choices:

a) let her find out the hard way, in the long term.
b) do some digging on him, tell her and risk the friendship ending.

Gonnagetgoing · 15/12/2021 09:39

@MimiDaisy11

I don’t know about the advice saying to confront him and saying that “you’re onto him”. I think that could have a number of negative outcomes. You’ve no idea what kind of person he is and he could also try to isolate your friend from you.
@MimiDaisy11 - I agree with you. If he is a conman - most likely any message from a friend of his 'GF' especially if its saying you're onto him will just mean he ignores you and if it does come up the friend messaged him he'll say it was lies and she was trying to shit stir and to ignore her.
Hairywoes · 15/12/2021 09:39

Have you actually met him?

GotToGoBye · 15/12/2021 09:41

Yes he isn’t who he says he is

I think she is just willing this to be true. I’d (like pp) just keep offering to meet and mention things with expectation she would be doing things couples do. I’d want her still to be able to talk to me when she wants to “vent” and hope you can sow some seeds/offer perspective then.

mugoftea456 · 15/12/2021 09:51

either married or a con artist.

Does your friend have a lot of money? own house etc? does he have anything financially to gain from her?

BlokeHereInPeace · 15/12/2021 09:52

Seems that a few posters are having fantasies about private investigators and ringing the army (is there a 'My friend's boyfriend says he's in the army but might not be' hotline?) and trackers on cars. Just say to your friend that she needs to be careful and be around for her when it all goes wrong.

CheshireKitten123 · 15/12/2021 09:54

This is a situation I'd keep out of to be honest.

Often people in these situations don't want to lose the fantasy and will turn on people that 'pop their bubble'.

I'd say nothing and just be there for her when it all falls apart.

MummytoCSJH · 15/12/2021 09:57

I have posted about this before I think a long time ago but I had one of these. Some of the red flags were the same and (I would say) less obvious but looking back if I was thinking rationally I would have known. I was the other woman for 2 years - he had a whole other life I didn’t even know existed. He was genuinely in the army and I met his family, but everything else was fake. His family knew he had a girlfriend already and didn’t say anything. This is so dodgy. She clearly wants to be with him so badly she’ll overlook things. You can only hope she realises and doesn’t alienate you in the process.

Dixiechickonhols · 15/12/2021 10:02

Do you know any of her family or other friends. Maybe say you are concerned. They probably have same concerns and may be able to help.
My BIL was dating someone then married her. From get go she blatantly lied - said she had x job, earned £60,000, lied about where she lived. It’s a small town and it was so blatant but he didn’t want to hear it. We called her Walter Mitty. I think she thought he had more money than he did. It ended up in her calling police with false allegations so he was arrested and took years to divorce her as she messed around moving abroad etc. It’s not just women who fall for this.
Are your kids similar age to his ‘niece and nephew’ I wonder if you could suggest all going somewhere child friendly over the holidays - have ‘spare’ tickets. See how he wriggles out of that.

IamGusFring · 15/12/2021 10:04

@BertramLacey

look on an ancestry website to try to locate his birth records, also check for any marriage etc records

Even when you know you've got the right name it can be difficult to know if you've got the right person. With this one anything he says could be a lie. He might say he's Tim Jones, he's 32, his birthday is 8th January and he grew up in Monmouthshire. You could find someone who more or less matched that little lot and be thinking great, found him. Reality is he's actually Tim Smith, 35, born 5th May and grew up in Sevenoaks. And even then if you could get the accurate stuff, you'll find that without ordering a marriage certificate, the info given on Ancestry re. marriages is vague enough it might or might not be him. I wouldn't bother.

I don't agree . If you know what you are doing then it is amazing what you can find in tandem with a few more sites out there .