Drop her. It’s easier in the long run. She knows he’s lying and that he is married with two kids by his “sister” and using this Army story that wouldn’t fool a child as cover.
She just doesn’t want to see it. I don’t know why and it’s not worth exploring the reasons and counting the red flags. Just know that you have wasted time and energy trying to make her see the light and will continue to do so.
Besides using her for sex he will be taking her money on a casual basis like his wallet always being in his other jacket when it’s time to pay the Deliveroo driver – why am I not surprised they never go out? He might also be setting her up for a larger theft or fraud. The only thing that will save her from a major financial disaster would be if she didn’t have much money in cash or easily convertible assets like owning her house outright, savings or being able to become a guarantor for a bank loan for his business venture. Then he’ll be preying on some other woman for that.
You sound like a very nice person and we all want to help our friends and hope they will be around for us at moments of sadness or to hold our hand when we do silly things. But this woman is not your friend. Is she ever there for you in a major way? Or are you the kind of person who is far too sensible (and boring) to get yourself into pickles so don’t need help but can always lend an endless listening ear without unsettling questions? She is undoubtedly fucked up but it is not your job to fix her and prop up her delusions.
In fact she is just as much a user as this man. She is using your concern to make herself feel special and loved and superior to you and the rest of us who are too dull to have these grand passions. She has already drawn you into her drama and will suck you dry while quite probably laughing behind your back in the good times with him.
Meanwhile he knows you have seen right through him because she’ll have raised some of your doubts in a palatable way. I guarantee he’ll have told her you are crazy and jealous. Deep down he’ll be thinking: “That was a close one but thank God she’s too stupid to listen to XXX.”
I know this because just over 30 years ago I had a “friend” (A) like this. We met through A’s cousin B who I was good friends with. A was great but had terrible luck with men. She was always meeting the wrong guy. They worked so hard they could never go out with her – apart from the first time they met.
They’d always turn up at her door – sometimes in jogging gear at 7am – for snatched sex. It was so romantic. One of them was a spy which was why he ignored her on a chance meeting in public when he was with another woman. Yes, she really told me that.
Of course B and I and everyone else knew the men were married or in a long term relationship. Two of them had kids but they were separated and the ex was a crazy bitch who couldn’t accept it was over. Possibly a third one did too but he didn’t stick around long enough for me and cousin B to find out.
A didn’t have the long relationship with any of them that your friend has going with this bloke. The one thing that could be said in A’s favour was that she didn’t just sit at home pining – well not all of the time. She used to go out with us and have fun but she always used to meet blokes like this. There were five in the three years I knew her and because none of us had serious boyfriends in our 20s it was normal to date men sporadically. We were all having fun. I liked two of them because they actually took her out and we’d sometimes meet as a group of friends – just not friends who had any connection to their other lives.
These two didn’t lie – they just didn’t tell the whole truth. It was plain for anyone to see but as long as they weren’t my boyfriends and she was happy and they were good company it was none of my business.
But three of them were shits. I broke off my friendship with her over the third one’s behaviour towards me at a party. I think he thought I was asking too many questions. At that point I didn’t give a shit what she did and was making normal chit-chat like: “How did you meet? What do you do? Where do you live? I didn’t want his postcode I was just making conversation. In fact he was boring and old and I couldn’t understand what my friend B was doing with him. I suspect she thought he had money. I am sure the feeling was mutual.
In my next phone call with B she brought up the fact that her latest guy was worried I didn’t like him. People like him are always like that. It’s always you and not them.
I remembered all the late night phone calls when it went wrong she’d cry and plead: “But why doesn’t he wuv me, Limited?” She was 28 and said wuv instead of love. I knew she didn’t want to hear the truth so it just went on and on. This time I decided it had to end and spent time with better friends instead.
Four years ago Cousin B got in touch over Facebook. I asked about A and she was vague. Cousin B has decided to move on too.
This forum is usually about relationships with men. But we have other relationships too – with family and with friends. Sometimes they are not worth having.