I don't think I will be allowed to see my new grandchild.

[Chopinandchampagne]

Some of you may remember my previous threads regarding my relationship with my daughter and SIL.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues?msgid=109152806#109152806

It has been a difficult year, following the death of DH, with lots of firsts to get through, but I have just about survived, with a lot of support from DD2 and DD3, DH's family and friends. And, earlier in the year, DD1 told me she was expecting DGS1 in early January. This time she told me very shortly after the pregnancy was confirmed, and was clearly thrilled saying that 'new life' was coming after DH's death. She was delighted to find out that the baby is a boy, as SIL particularly wanted a son, after two daughters.

I had thought that, if there were any positives from DH's death - and it is hard to think of any, as I loved him so much - the family might be reconciled and healed. And I was very happy to hear about the baby, although a bit concerned, given the two previous emergency C sections (although I kept my concerns to myself).

DD1 has now moved to Ireland, having purchased a small holding with her inheritance from DH's aunt, as DH drafted his aunt's will so that his share would go to his DC if he were to predecease her. DD1 had sent me photos of the new property, says how much they love it over there, it feels 'so right' etc. They went for about a month and have now returned to the UK for the birth. I thought all was fine with my relationship with DD1, we were having natural conversations, FaceTimes with DGD1 and DGD2, ending conversations with 'I love you; etc.

I had enjoyed picking out some Christmas presents, which I thought they would enjoy. With the DGDs, I have sent presents which I knew they would appreciate, for DD1 some cashmere hat, gloves, scarf etc, and socks for baby, as I know it will be cold on the small holding, but also a food hamper, chocolates and candles sent jointly to DD1 and SIL, saying with love from Mum etc.

I spoke to DD1 on Friday and I could tell that there was something wrong, as she seemed more tense, less relaxed. She started by saying that she thought I should claim a refund for the hamper, that I had wasted my money, as the ham was too dry and not as good as supermarket ham. I thanked her for letting me know and said I would do so. She said the chocolates had too many additives, so they couldn't eat them (I had chosen dairy and soy free ones, as DGD1 had an allergy to dairy), so I said fine, just regift or donate them. They are generally happy with the DGC's toys, although I shouldn't send anything else. I said I understood, and was conscious that they wouldn't want too much stuff to take back to Ireland.

Then I asked her about how she was feeling and how the 36 week scan had gone. It seems that the baby is small (10th percentile), although appears healthy, but she is very worried about the birth, which is understandable, given the history. She wants a natural birth and is terrified of intervention. She thinks some of the medical staff are horrible and referred to one who asked her last time if she wanted a dead baby on her conscience, after she refused medical advice to have an elective C section. I made reassuring comments. She also said that she might not tell anyone when she went into labour as she didn't want to worry anyone, such as SIL's grandparents (last time she sent me messages before the birth and we spoke afterwards).

We then had a discussion about Ireland. They have run into some problems to do with the Forestry/Agricultural Commission which are preventing them from obtaining a felling licence and flock number, which they need to purchase animals. It seems that not all of the land has been conveyed to them and they have fallen out with the solicitor, whom they feel has been negligent. SIL spent a long time composing a letter and was angry when he only received a brief reply from the solicitor.

Anyway, after all that, I said that I and her sisters were looking forward to seeing the baby, especially after not seeing DGD1 as a baby, and DGD2 because of lockdown. She went a bit quiet and was non committal just saying Mmm, we'll see, I need to have the baby first. I pressed the point and she said 'SIL is my husband'. I said 'Yes, I know'. She said that I had tried to make her feel guilty over her treatment of DH and that she didn't feel guilty. She repeated this and then said that I had said that I was going to write SIL a letter in the summer and that it might now be too late. I was genuinely taken aback by this.

For context, before I visited in the summer, we had a heated conversation where I said that she had hurt DH (and me) by not telling him about the birth of DGD1 for 14 months or her marriage and by moving without telling us. I admit I was angry as I felt that DH had been cheated of precious time with his granddaughter, although I said that I knew she hadn't known that he was going to die. I said that I thought that she had been emotionally abusive in 'ghosting' us and I didn't want to form an attachment to my DGCs if there was a risk of it happening again. It would just be too painful. It made me afraid of loving them as I would wish to. DD1 had referred then to the incident, some years before, where I had made SIL leave my house (they weren't married then), as I felt he was bullying her. I said that it was all a long time ago and that 'Dad didn't do anything wrong, did he?', to which she replied 'No'. She said that SIL had told her not to be in contact.

I subsequently said, in another conversation, that I had been angry, but that I wasn't any longer, and that it would be nice if we could go out to lunch together, just the two of us, when I visited, and to start rebuilding our relationship. I duly visited, had what I thought was a very pleasant day with the family at a local attraction, then lunch with DD1 then next day. I said I thought that the previous day had gone well and she said that SIL had told her that he did not want me to visit too often (this was the first time I had visited since DH's funeral). I said that I was sorry to hear this and was there some way of resolving matters; that the 'incident' was all a long time ago, that it was time to move on, and that DH's death put disagreements into context. She said maybe I should say that to SIL and it was him I should be taking out or talking to. I said I would be happy to talk to him, but I doubted that he would want to go out with me, maybe I should write him a letter. So I floated the idea of a letter in a private conversation with DD1, but did not say that I was definitely going to write one and, upon reflection, I thought that it might be too much of a hostage to fortune.

During this lunch, which was mostly pleasant, and focusing on neutral topics, DD1 repeated again that she had cut us off because SIL had told her to, that she had had to choose and would always choose SIL. I said that I had made SIL leave my house on that occasion because I was trying to protect her, especially given her previous abusive relationship. She said she had not told SIL about this ie the previous relationship and she was not sure if she would behave in the same way as I did. She said she appreciated that I did not know that she would marry SIL at the time. I said that I understood that, in the final analysis, she would and should put her family first, but I thought she should also have some loyalty to her original family. After that, we returned to everyday topics and I thought we had both had a pleasant lunch, 'cleared the air', and that we were moving forward in rebuilding our relationship. However, it seems I was wrong.

When we returned to the house after lunch (for me to call a taxi back to the hotel), SIL went off to his workshop without speaking to me or saying goodbye. I went to the workshop and said goodbye and gave him a hug. I found it a gruelling trip without DH but went away thinking it had gone well.

Anyway, back to the present, I was blindsided by DD1's comments in the conversation to the effect that I should have written a letter and that it might be 'too late'. I said what did she think I should say in the letter. I said that it was all so long ago, that I had apologised to SIL, that we had met since then at DD1's 21st, that he had said we were 'ok'.DD1 said she didn't want anything that would upset her after the birth. I said that I would never do anything to upset her after the birth. I said that I was nice to SIL, praised him for his DIY skills and as a father, that I behaved in a civilised fashion, sent him cards and gifts, what more could I do, I couldn't make him like me. At this stage DD1 was clearly agitated and said she had to go and that she would speak to me another time. I said 'Alright darling, good bye'.

So I feel both devastated and empty at the same time. I had thought, after the most hellish two years, when I had to watch my beloved DH die and then lose his aunt, whom I was close to. When, more recently, my MIL nearly died, my sister in law has had major surgery, and I have lost one of my closest friends (the funeral is this week), I had thought that I had just about survived. I keep giving myself a talking to, saying come on, just one more step forward, nearly there, nearly the end of the year. And now this.

I apologise for the length of this post, but I would be grateful for any advice as to how handle the situation. Part of just feels like giving up, but I obviously don't want to lose DD1 again, and I am worried about the birth of DGS and would have wanted to be a support, not an aggravating factor.

One thing I thought about the money thing… you’re obviously incredibly generous but also no one wants to be exploited, and I seem to see that you’re conflicted by wanting to give DD1 things but not wanting to be seen as a line of credit/cash.

I don’t know what any of these other lovely and wise posters think, but it seems to me that you should maybe have a think in this downtime about what money you are prepared to spend because it benefits dd or dgc and gives you peace of mind.

So, for example… volunteer nothing, send no unsolicited gifts. They don’t want you to, and so that’s fine.

They want you to give them money to buy livestock/do a butchery course/pay some eu body for a license… omg you would LOVE to but life is so complicated, you don’t really have funds, what a SHAME, sorry, no can do.

DD’s phone contract runs out… you paying for her contract benefits her and you. It’s peace of mind for you, and a communication line out for her. So why not pay it if you want to, it’s not that much and has a tangible benefit FOR YOU.

You may feel like you are game playing, but to be honest LB plays you like a fish caught on a string anyway, so you may as well arm yourselves with the rules and tools of the game.

So if you sell the French house, inevitably LB will be sniffing round via dd1 to get some cash from you while you feel flush, vulnerable and guilty about not doing enough (I don’t know why you feel guilty as you do so much for them all, but dd1 and lb seem to have been able to make you feel so). So you need to be ready to prevaricate… OH those French lawyers, and the tax system! Really you got absolutely nothing for it but trouble, ah well, you have more than enough and it is just enough to be healthy and well in this life with three lovely dds.

Put them in a position where it would be SO excruciatingly awkward for dd to say ‘LB thinks you should have got more money out of that French house sale, and he wants some of it, so can you explain?’

But if she’s like, ‘ I desperately need clothes for the kids’, get her to send you a link of everything she wants from M&S and send it all to her. Say in a disapproving voice ‘darling I just don’t like to send the money for them, it feels so impersonal, I’ll buy you whatever you like since the things I choose are so inappropriate but indulge an old granny and let me buy and send the things.’

Etc etc. Or if dd needs money for healthcare… but not for chicken feed bill or the vets bill.

I DON’T suggest you have to become an arch manipulator, but if he’s going to think the worst of you anyway and manipulate your daughter, you may as well suit yourself, and think about where your red lines are before they try to cross them.

Very, very stressful for you though and behind all this puppet-mastering is your dd and a baby about to be born - I really send a handhold to you. Hope all goes well for dd and baby.

They already have shed loads of money.

They own 3 properties outright - one they will live in in Ireland and 2 that they will rent out in the UK.

At one point they had £60k in cash savings from fleecing the teacher training grants and their puppy farm. They live a socially isolated and frugal life.

They are fine for money.

And as a pair of extensively and expensively educated post graduates who have yet to take on a days employment at the age of 30 - they have done exceptionally well and accrued significant assets and revenue streams avoiding working for “the man” - they don’t NEED any of Chopin and her late husband’s hard grafted money they just WANT it.

Passing anything to these two is to collude, enable and facilitate their financial exploitative approach to life.

I actually think that Chopin won the war on money some time ago. It was a long battle and she didn’t give in. I don’t think that they have asked for anything recently?

If I remember correctly DD1 was after cash to do her PGCE course - rent, childcare, books etc - and Chopin had a principle of supporting education so was negotiating around this area - but I assume the pandemic made the PGCE online etc so costs were not so significant.

I think that Chopin has held the line firmly with money and that can’t have been easy given the emotional blackmail she was up against through very difficult times.

All LB is left with now is communication to punish Chopin with - the tease of seeing or not seeing her DGS - the tease of not letting her know he has been born safely and the tease of not letting her know when they depart to Ireland. But if Chopin holds her neutral grey rock stance these goading tactics loose their power. It will be interesting to see how far DD1 goes along with each of these possible punishments and how soon she realises this is hurting her.

There’s a long way for this to play out I suspect. Ireland will be a mess for DD1 and DGC - they will feel the brunt of the bleakness, social isolation and work - but LB will likely love the feeling of not having to interact with neighbours / society / family.

Do not tell DD1 your plans to sell the chalet. It's not hers, its yours. None of her business.
Sorry, I know it was a happy family place, but they can't afford a skiing holiday anyway, they would never choose to go with you as a family.
LB would either veto, or make you pay...

@Mix56

Do not tell DD1 your plans to sell the chalet. It's not hers, its yours. None of her business. Sorry, I know it was a happy family place, but they can't afford a skiing holiday anyway, they would never choose to go with you as a family. LB would either veto, or make you pay...

I totally second this, @Chopinandchampagne. Do please keep your plans, particularly where finances are concerned, as close to your chest as possible - especially where your eldest daughter is concerned. Her loyalties are not with you. 🌹

I think you are doing well to navigate the minefield.
I agree, don't tell them about the chalet or whatever decision you make. Why are you expected to give private financial information to people who won't see you or be part of their lives? Unfortunately they are holding you ransom knowing you want to be involved and see GC but ultimately they have decided that you are not to be involved. LB is treating you like an old neighbour that sporadically keeps in touch not as family and your daughter is too enmeshed to do anything. Crisis will come and as long as she knows she can always come back to you there is very little you can do to change it. LB is clearly happy with the isolation and on how much she has to depend on him. She is going to struggle with c section and the other kids and no sleep etc. But she almost has to go through it herself to hopefully realise the situation she is in. Really awful situation and you obviously care and love her.

I wouldnt even send clothes insteadof money. She needs to know what the reality is, not what the cushioned reality.

My x was so mean and it was very hard and very awkward. In some ways my mother made it possible to stay with him for longer by cushioning the harsh reality of his meanness, paying playschool fees for dc1 and various other things, and i took the money because i needed it, but that made me able to carry on longer. I was also able to have friends because i had money for coffee.

At some point my mum stopped cushioning and put the money in to "running away" fund for me. I didnt know it existed for until i got home to ireland. It was my starting again money.

I had a very close friend in uk, we were so close, having somebody to talk to made the unbearable bearable for longer.

id say to your dd "if you need me, im here. Always". But day to day stick withbgrey rock, stick with the hanging back. Stick with the low contact. Its not yr job to prop her up through his abuse/control/ devaluation.

Xxxx

At some point i understood that my parents would support me to start again but not support me to stay with a toxic abuser.

Ps, i only say that to reassure @Chopinandchampagne that hanging back rather than cushioning the reality is the right thing to do.

Hope the baby arrives safely soon! And that your text messages walk that perfect line between enough interest and not too little interest 🥴

@UserBot999

I wouldnt even send clothes insteadof money. She needs to know what the reality is, not what the cushioned reality.

My x was so mean and it was very hard and very awkward. In some ways my mother made it possible to stay with him for longer by cushioning the harsh reality of his meanness, paying playschool fees for dc1 and various other things, and i took the money because i needed it, but that made me able to carry on longer. I was also able to have friends because i had money for coffee.

At some point my mum stopped cushioning and put the money in to "running away" fund for me. I didnt know it existed for until i got home to ireland. It was my starting again money.

I had a very close friend in uk, we were so close, having somebody to talk to made the unbearable bearable for longer.

id say to your dd "if you need me, im here. Always". But day to day stick withbgrey rock, stick with the hanging back. Stick with the low contact. Its not yr job to prop her up through his abuse/control/ devaluation.

Xxxx

At some point i understood that my parents would support me to start again but not support me to stay with a toxic abuser.

I think that this is a really good insight and shows that start reality of how anyone could inadvertently be enabling the abusive relationship to continue by making life comfortable and tolerable.

That’s hard for a mother to resist soothing but it’s a strategic stance to hold back.

@UserBot999 your parents were very wise - it must have been excruciating and heartbreaking for them.

Thanks for your updates @Chopinandchampagne, this is a stressful time for you I know. Another advising you not to share your plans to sell the chalet with DD1, as she has decided not to be involved in your life (or to let you be involved in hers) it simply is nothing to do with her & LB. Grey rock is the way.

I’m very sad this is still ongoing for you Chopin but I hope that DD1 has an uneventful birth (I know unlikely but I hope) and that the new baby softens the twat that is LB and you can enjoy some time with your GC and DD1.

Good to hear about Dd2’s lovely boyfriend though and her excitement about the house, how’s that all going? How’s DD3?

Hope you’re doing ok

...they don’t NEED any of Chopin and her late husband’s hard grafted money they just WANT it.

LB wants to make an issue of Chopin not giving her DD money. It's just a stick to beat her with.

Actually to beat both women with. LB doesn't like women and the chance to hurt two of them simultaneously is something he jumps at.

Thanks everyone! Still no news. The midwife did another sweep yesterday to try to encourage labour, so fingers crossed that it works, as the hospital will not administer drugs to induce, as it's too risky. She is now at 42 weeks and has previously said that she won't have an elective C section, so I just hope it doesn't end up as another emergency.

ESGdance - I agree that I will not find out until after the birth, how long after I do not know, but maybe that's for the best in a way, as my worrying won't change anything. But I know that LB won't tell me anything, so there may be a delay, until DD is able to get in touch. If I ever call him or message him, he just ignores me.

Gardeniafleur - thank you so much for your post, which I found really helpful. I do want to help my family, but I don't want to feel used or manipulated, and I don't like anyone feeling entitled to anything. I remember some years ago, much earlier in the relationship between DD and LB, that she said 'You're rich, why can't you just give me the money?' which shocked me, as it is not something which she would have said previously. Another occasion, about the same time, she said "You are still going out to lunch and on holiday' - I replied 'Are you saying I shouldn't go out to lunch or on holiday, that I should give the money to you?', but she didn't answer. At that stage, neither of them had jobs, in fact, they have never been in paid employment (ESGdance has summarised the position perfectly).

I agree that I should send no unsolicited gifts. I still feel quite hurt over the criticism of the Christmas gifts. I sent a food hamper, because I thought they would like it, as DD probably wouldn't feel like shopping, and I thought it was something that they could all share. But any offerings from me are a potential target for criticism and ridicule by LB, thereby also upsetting DD. I am sure that he regards me as a sybaritic waste of space, a woman who doesn't know her place, but potentially more useful when dead, if there is some chance of an inheritance. I can't believe that he had a single regret at DH's demise. DD told me that relations have also been strained with LB's parents, as he thinks they don't do enough, and that families should help each other. I expect MIL will step into the breach and help out when the baby is born, then LB will whisk the family off to Ireland as soon as possible, so she and PIL are unlikely to see much of their DGC going forward. I feel quite sorry for them, as they have formed a bond with the DGDs.

I am happy to buy clothes for the DGC or anything that they reasonably need, but spontaneity is unwelcome. To be fair, DD said that LB's sister had also given unsuitable gifts in the past, which they had needed to return, so it is not just me. But it is the mixed messages of rejecting things but, in the next conversation, requesting the use of my Amazon account for pregnancy books and, most recently, for essential oils (although I was berated for the scented candles, as she doesn't like anything scented!), which I find difficult. I don't begrudge these things, but I don't want to be taken for granted.

It will take a long time to sell the French property, but I am not proposing to give any of the sale proceeds to DD. Why should I, when it will not be appreciated, but just taken as their due, and when I know that LB will take control of it. However, as you suggest, I might decide to pay for the 'phone contract because, as you rightly say, it also benefits me and gives me some peace of mind that she has a means of communication. Otherwise, LB will be moaning that she is wasting money if she contacts me, and he puts huge emphasis on frugality. Also, she knows that I am still paying for her sisters' contracts.

In the meantime, I have purchased another cask of whisky, as I had to buy it by the end of the year to get it from the same distillery. However, I have not told DD this, given that the baby is not yet born. In fact, am not sure whether or not I will tell her at all, if I am prevented from seeing DGS, but I want to be able to leave the same to each of the DGC.

Newestname002 and Mix56 - I don't share financial information with DD1, as I know that she would divulge it to LB, and they would feel that they could find a better use for it, rather than my wasting it on holidays etc. They seem to feel that, as family, they are entitled to my money, but they don't seem to think that this is a two way street. LB doesn't accept any of DD1's birth family, as part of the extended family, let alone welcome any of us. DD seems to have accepted LB's thinking that you shouldn't waste money on other people, such as gifts for birthdays etc. He couldn't actually remember the date they got got married, without prompting from DD1, as they don't 'do' wedding anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day etc.Rubytinsleslippers has it exactly right - I am treated as an old neighbour with whom there is sporadic contact, if they want anything!

UserBot999 - another really helpful post, thank you. Your parents sound very wise. It must have been awful for them to see you suffer. At least you did have a friend, whereas DD will have nobody to talk to and won't meet anyone through the DC, if they home school (despite the fact that there is a primary school close by). Thanks for the tips about Tusla, which I will bear in mind. As ESGdance has said, it will suit LB to be isolated and never see anyone, but he doesn't seem to have considered DD or the DC. Now is very much the honeymoon period, and the location of the new house sounds idyllic, with lots of grounds etc. But it will be hard work trying to make a smallholding pay, especially when looking after a baby and two toddlers, at the same time as tending to farm animals, crops etc in all weathers. I know I couldn't do it!

DartmoorDoughnut - thank you for your good wishes. Yes, it is a relief that DD2's boyfriend is so nice - the difference being that he eats vegan food with DD2, even though he is not vegan! DD3 is ok too, thanks, although coming to terms with her autism diagnosis and we are all still grieving for DH.

In the meantime, we wait....

Obviously I hope everything is well with DD1 and baby, very stressful and worrying.

I wouldn't even buy clothes or other things the GDC need. When DD1 asks you can reply with a send me a list before their birthday/Christmas and buy them a few mid range price things from it.

Indeed DD1 needs to feel the consequence of her choices.

Phone contract - perhaps just say in lieu of suitable Christmas and Birthday presents for her you will continue to pay up to £x per month.

She asks for something from Amazon ask her to send the money first. Let her admit that she isn't allowed or doesn't have access to money.

She needs to be forced into admitting and accepting the reality. It will be most likely the thing to help her realise the situation she is in that plus when he starts on the DC as they get older.

The son could well be the golden child.

*Let her admit that she isn't allowed or doesn't have access to money.

She needs to be forced into admitting and accepting the reality. It will be most likely the thing to help her realise the situation she is in that plus when he starts on the DC as they get older.*

Agree with this.

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun

*Let her admit that she isn't allowed or doesn't have access to money.

She needs to be forced into admitting and accepting the reality. It will be most likely the thing to help her realise the situation she is in that plus when he starts on the DC as they get older.*

Agree with this.

And for her to recognise another level that even though they do have their own joint substantial funds and revenue streams it is in fact LB who through his illegal coercive financial control behaviours is the one depriving her and her children of their needs and wants. Don’t be responsible for filling in that gap or distracting her for the realisation that it is he who is solely responsible for causing any deprivation and discomfort they endure and that he is solely responsible for rectifying any hardship and has ample funds to do so.

And also that by her submitting to his financial abuse she is also complicit in any physical neglect or discomfort that her DCs are exposed to.

Continue to keep out of this triangle so that your words/actions are not used to fuel the dysfunctional dynamic and distract from his actions.

I also see @Chopinandchampagne that you are interacting with DD1 in a much more measured and strategic way and you are not reacting to him yanking your chain. This is really commendable but it doesn’t mean that it is excruciatingly painful for you at the same time - which just means that you need to ensure you are well protected and emotionally nourished in other parts of your life. I am sure that the next days and weeks will be fraught for you so give yourself some extra special experiences - just expect the worst from LB and you will cope better. As you say assume he will cut connection for days / weeks? And expect that you will only hear again once they have already moved to Ireland. Don’t chase. Anything more than that is a bonus.

@Chopinandchampagne I have been with you from the start and often wondered how you are, hoping that the last thread ( where it seemed to be settling fown) that we wouldnt hear from you.
I did think that this was a situation that was never resolved though, and would reappear with a new instalment.
My heart goes out to you, with everything you have been through and I hope this year brings peace and acceptance.
I hope you do not mind me making some comments meant only with love?
You are very focused on sorting out financial affairs ( as is probably correct and fair to simplify your life) but you are still young! Its like your life is over. What about your future?
You may in years to come meet a new companion. Impossible to contemplate now but it could happen.
The 'all for the kids' attitude is leaving you vulnerable.
I adore my mum and am lucky enough to still have my Dad, I have told them to enjoy their hard earned money while they can, and we are far removed from the nicities of cashmere and whiskey kegs.
You have not let anyone down, we are all rooting for you, unseen but supportive. But you still apologise, stop with the apologies and justifying. Are you worried that people will think you 'hard' or uncaring? Actually so what if you are on occassion truly expressing your anger?
The letter your Dd1 sent about gifts sickened me, her attitude towards you, her concealed agenda, the spitefulness and entitlement.
They just have zero respect and while I understand your need to reply as you did, four words to her, enough now no more, really would have done it.
I guess as a Lawyer, the need to win, resolve and deal with it all so eloquently, is hugely admirable, but sometimes its ok so say no more?
I feel they are using a yet unborn child as leverage still. They have learned nothing from this. As much as I wish no one ill, I feel that the way they exploit, divide and treat others will come back to them in the future, however you protect them.
You can love people without having a relationship with them.
Your situation does remind me of a Buddhist concept that you have pain, but you are choosing to pile suffering on top too?
Maybe this year work with a therapist to truly step back so you can grieve. I know your DH wish was for this to be resolved, but it wont be like this, its all very fake and a distraction from your grief. But please keep posting as we only all want your true happiness. You deserve that. You matter x

You need to accept that things cannot be "resolved" and that it isn't your doing or your fault and you are not letting DH down.

Things are not resolvable with someone with the PD that he has.

Resolving is drawing boundaries of steel and preventing him abusing you. You can resolve things when DD1 leaves him. Then and only then is it resolvable.

Yes sell the chalet it's your nest egg for future care, spend money on doing things with DD2 & 3 let them enjoy the lovely things in life with you.

LB has funds to not ever work even when Ireland goes tits up. The fact he wants his family to live a miserly life is on him not you.

I have just received this message-

Hi Mum,
Nothing happened yet. Had some contractions yesterday which built to a point then just petered out unfortunately. I have a scan this evening at the hospital.

Also my headphones have just broken! Can I order some new ones on your Amazon prime please? I wanted to take them in my hospital bag and now I'm worried I wont have any. X

"That's great you are having contractions. Sure transfer me the money and a link for which ones you want and I'll do it straight away"

Delurking but have read all your threads. Was so sorry to read of your DH’s death, and sending sympathy. This ongoing problem must be so much more difficult as you struggle to deal with that.

That last message is so manipulative, and demanding. Hinting at a possible birth, then asking for something. The unwritten implication that access to the one (baby info) relies on the other. Directed by him or otherwise it’s appalling.

How much is a pair of headphones really? My DD is 24, she does ask my DP or I to get stuff on Prime sometimes. Sends the link, then transfers the money and then thanks us. That’s normal behaviour. Of course sometimes I say not to bother with the money but that’s my choice, not her expectation. It’s difficult in the midst of an abusive relationship ( which you are with them as much as she is with him ) to see what’s going on. Harder still not to simply appease to keep the peace, or avoid no contact. But it doesn’t help in either the shorter or longer term in my experience.

Oh Chopin I know everyone is probably right and she should send the money and you are enabling etc but it’s pretty harsh to start to implement this when she’s at her absolute lowest, just about to experience what could be a very difficult and stressful birth.

@Billybagpuss but she'll always be at her lowest, there will always be something or some reason why this time is 'different' or 'the last time'. You have been expertly manipulated in just the way the message intends.

I have more than one personality disordered person in my family and this is absolutely the kind of message they would send. The information is given as an incentive or 'payment' for the aid requested. It is transactional, poor Chopin would not have received any update if money wasn't required. I am not saying DD1 has a personality disorder, just that the message is manipulative.

I think Random's response is perfect. The absolute only way to deal with someone trying to manipulate you is to draw strong boundaries. And there's no time like the present to start.

And Chopin, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. As a parent you are in such a difficult situation and I am so angry on your behalf for how you have been treated.