I don't think I will be allowed to see my new grandchild.

[Chopinandchampagne]

Some of you may remember my previous threads regarding my relationship with my daughter and SIL.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues?msgid=109152806#109152806

It has been a difficult year, following the death of DH, with lots of firsts to get through, but I have just about survived, with a lot of support from DD2 and DD3, DH's family and friends. And, earlier in the year, DD1 told me she was expecting DGS1 in early January. This time she told me very shortly after the pregnancy was confirmed, and was clearly thrilled saying that 'new life' was coming after DH's death. She was delighted to find out that the baby is a boy, as SIL particularly wanted a son, after two daughters.

I had thought that, if there were any positives from DH's death - and it is hard to think of any, as I loved him so much - the family might be reconciled and healed. And I was very happy to hear about the baby, although a bit concerned, given the two previous emergency C sections (although I kept my concerns to myself).

DD1 has now moved to Ireland, having purchased a small holding with her inheritance from DH's aunt, as DH drafted his aunt's will so that his share would go to his DC if he were to predecease her. DD1 had sent me photos of the new property, says how much they love it over there, it feels 'so right' etc. They went for about a month and have now returned to the UK for the birth. I thought all was fine with my relationship with DD1, we were having natural conversations, FaceTimes with DGD1 and DGD2, ending conversations with 'I love you; etc.

I had enjoyed picking out some Christmas presents, which I thought they would enjoy. With the DGDs, I have sent presents which I knew they would appreciate, for DD1 some cashmere hat, gloves, scarf etc, and socks for baby, as I know it will be cold on the small holding, but also a food hamper, chocolates and candles sent jointly to DD1 and SIL, saying with love from Mum etc.

I spoke to DD1 on Friday and I could tell that there was something wrong, as she seemed more tense, less relaxed. She started by saying that she thought I should claim a refund for the hamper, that I had wasted my money, as the ham was too dry and not as good as supermarket ham. I thanked her for letting me know and said I would do so. She said the chocolates had too many additives, so they couldn't eat them (I had chosen dairy and soy free ones, as DGD1 had an allergy to dairy), so I said fine, just regift or donate them. They are generally happy with the DGC's toys, although I shouldn't send anything else. I said I understood, and was conscious that they wouldn't want too much stuff to take back to Ireland.

Then I asked her about how she was feeling and how the 36 week scan had gone. It seems that the baby is small (10th percentile), although appears healthy, but she is very worried about the birth, which is understandable, given the history. She wants a natural birth and is terrified of intervention. She thinks some of the medical staff are horrible and referred to one who asked her last time if she wanted a dead baby on her conscience, after she refused medical advice to have an elective C section. I made reassuring comments. She also said that she might not tell anyone when she went into labour as she didn't want to worry anyone, such as SIL's grandparents (last time she sent me messages before the birth and we spoke afterwards).

We then had a discussion about Ireland. They have run into some problems to do with the Forestry/Agricultural Commission which are preventing them from obtaining a felling licence and flock number, which they need to purchase animals. It seems that not all of the land has been conveyed to them and they have fallen out with the solicitor, whom they feel has been negligent. SIL spent a long time composing a letter and was angry when he only received a brief reply from the solicitor.

Anyway, after all that, I said that I and her sisters were looking forward to seeing the baby, especially after not seeing DGD1 as a baby, and DGD2 because of lockdown. She went a bit quiet and was non committal just saying Mmm, we'll see, I need to have the baby first. I pressed the point and she said 'SIL is my husband'. I said 'Yes, I know'. She said that I had tried to make her feel guilty over her treatment of DH and that she didn't feel guilty. She repeated this and then said that I had said that I was going to write SIL a letter in the summer and that it might now be too late. I was genuinely taken aback by this.

For context, before I visited in the summer, we had a heated conversation where I said that she had hurt DH (and me) by not telling him about the birth of DGD1 for 14 months or her marriage and by moving without telling us. I admit I was angry as I felt that DH had been cheated of precious time with his granddaughter, although I said that I knew she hadn't known that he was going to die. I said that I thought that she had been emotionally abusive in 'ghosting' us and I didn't want to form an attachment to my DGCs if there was a risk of it happening again. It would just be too painful. It made me afraid of loving them as I would wish to. DD1 had referred then to the incident, some years before, where I had made SIL leave my house (they weren't married then), as I felt he was bullying her. I said that it was all a long time ago and that 'Dad didn't do anything wrong, did he?', to which she replied 'No'. She said that SIL had told her not to be in contact.

I subsequently said, in another conversation, that I had been angry, but that I wasn't any longer, and that it would be nice if we could go out to lunch together, just the two of us, when I visited, and to start rebuilding our relationship. I duly visited, had what I thought was a very pleasant day with the family at a local attraction, then lunch with DD1 then next day. I said I thought that the previous day had gone well and she said that SIL had told her that he did not want me to visit too often (this was the first time I had visited since DH's funeral). I said that I was sorry to hear this and was there some way of resolving matters; that the 'incident' was all a long time ago, that it was time to move on, and that DH's death put disagreements into context. She said maybe I should say that to SIL and it was him I should be taking out or talking to. I said I would be happy to talk to him, but I doubted that he would want to go out with me, maybe I should write him a letter. So I floated the idea of a letter in a private conversation with DD1, but did not say that I was definitely going to write one and, upon reflection, I thought that it might be too much of a hostage to fortune.

During this lunch, which was mostly pleasant, and focusing on neutral topics, DD1 repeated again that she had cut us off because SIL had told her to, that she had had to choose and would always choose SIL. I said that I had made SIL leave my house on that occasion because I was trying to protect her, especially given her previous abusive relationship. She said she had not told SIL about this ie the previous relationship and she was not sure if she would behave in the same way as I did. She said she appreciated that I did not know that she would marry SIL at the time. I said that I understood that, in the final analysis, she would and should put her family first, but I thought she should also have some loyalty to her original family. After that, we returned to everyday topics and I thought we had both had a pleasant lunch, 'cleared the air', and that we were moving forward in rebuilding our relationship. However, it seems I was wrong.

When we returned to the house after lunch (for me to call a taxi back to the hotel), SIL went off to his workshop without speaking to me or saying goodbye. I went to the workshop and said goodbye and gave him a hug. I found it a gruelling trip without DH but went away thinking it had gone well.

Anyway, back to the present, I was blindsided by DD1's comments in the conversation to the effect that I should have written a letter and that it might be 'too late'. I said what did she think I should say in the letter. I said that it was all so long ago, that I had apologised to SIL, that we had met since then at DD1's 21st, that he had said we were 'ok'.DD1 said she didn't want anything that would upset her after the birth. I said that I would never do anything to upset her after the birth. I said that I was nice to SIL, praised him for his DIY skills and as a father, that I behaved in a civilised fashion, sent him cards and gifts, what more could I do, I couldn't make him like me. At this stage DD1 was clearly agitated and said she had to go and that she would speak to me another time. I said 'Alright darling, good bye'.

So I feel both devastated and empty at the same time. I had thought, after the most hellish two years, when I had to watch my beloved DH die and then lose his aunt, whom I was close to. When, more recently, my MIL nearly died, my sister in law has had major surgery, and I have lost one of my closest friends (the funeral is this week), I had thought that I had just about survived. I keep giving myself a talking to, saying come on, just one more step forward, nearly there, nearly the end of the year. And now this.

I apologise for the length of this post, but I would be grateful for any advice as to how handle the situation. Part of just feels like giving up, but I obviously don't want to lose DD1 again, and I am worried about the birth of DGS and would have wanted to be a support, not an aggravating factor.

Oh, that makes sense. So a good argument for selling now to remove the issue. It also makes things easier with keeping the memories there happy ones from a different chapter in life.

When we moved to the UK we sold everything in the US. It was hard at the time but made for a cleaner break. We can always visit again without the headaches of ownership!

Completely agree with the following excellent suggestions and advice from posters:

• Sell the French house. You need to simplify life at the moment, not make it harder for yourself, and also forge new memories - not that your DH would ever be forgotten but you have those memories around for you in your own everyday house. You don't need the French house to painfully remind you that you're now there without him.

• Appoint professional executors in your will. LB's dealings with the solicitor in Ireland show that legal professionals, encountering him in that capacity not a personal one, are far better equipped to handle him. Better that solicitors have that to manage than DD2 and DD3.

• Do not mention the above to DD1. Just do not even bring any of it up or discuss it. If she ever asks you about your will, fob her off with vague comments about it's so hard to be objective about arrangements so you are taking guidance from your legal advisors. Repeat as many times as needed. With the French property, best outcome would be that by the time she remembers it and asks, you can say that you got your solicitors to organise selling it because you were bowed down with grief (true) and wanted it off your hands, and they have reinvested the proceeds for you in some long term vehicle you can't access.

• Don't raise the subject of seeing the new baby or the DGDs in conversation. Leave that to them. They'll be primed for you to ask so they can knock you back. If DD1 makes any comment about how you can't see them, can't visit, or LB doesn't want that, aim to simply say 'Yes, I thought that would be the case' and then STOP. Don't tell her it's ok, or you wouldn't feel up to coming anyway, or smooth it over in any other way. She has to step into the feeling of actually being uncomfortable with this yoke her husband has placed her under, and to recognise that it's his doing and no one else's, before she can ever throw it off. Step back and allow for that to happen.

Honestly Chopin - I wouldn’t approach the PIL. They are not your friends. At best they are enablers and facilitate their abusive monstrous son. At worst one of them is like him and any contact, words, actions LB will manage to engineer in his twisted sinister mind for it all backfire on you (and DD1) somehow.

I also suspect that you/DD1/DGDs relationship was granted an unplanned grace period due to the unexpected death of your DH. Seems that “extra time” for compassionate reasons has now expired in LB mind.

Also he was sniffing around to gauge inheritance. Now that’s all locked down you are shut out.

But don’t be distracted by his antics - every word or action will be sinister, manipulative and self serving in the end.

So just jump to that conclusion each and every time - so when anything new is said or done and you are trying to work it all out - just cut to the chase “ahh this will be self-serving, manipulative and/or sinister”

Concentrate on what you can conserve and control - because you are far far ahead of him with your insight and wisdom.

His PD has a spiralling trajectory and prognosis - his MH will continue to erode and internally he will be feeling increasingly inadequate and out of control until his dysfunctional life fully unravels in some spectacular crisis / collision and your DD1 wakes up.

Bide your time.

Keeping the door open is your everyday goal. Not rocking the boat (grey rock) is your strategy - and keeping steady by rebuilding your own full enriching life will be foundational.

Just be aware that your emotional “pulls” to her and your “triggered” feelings of anger around events are natural maternal protective and defending instincts BUT engaging in taking action or communicating these actions in this specific situation is very dangerous - that is why it feels so unnatural and all consuming.

I do think it might be good to investigate Stockholm Syndrome / Cult mindsets so that you can continue to understand these unusual, dysfunctional and impossible dynamics.

Also, LB will use the fact that you aren't asking to visit as proof of how awful your are. So I would prime her with the knowledge you long to see them her & the new baby, but will wait for an invitation, as you know you can't just rock up & be welcomed. & yes, please stop appeasing & apologizing, she needs to see its LB who is creating these prison bars.

Such a delicate line to walk. Perhaps draft an email in advance to send once baby is here and everything is ok from a medical standpoint. Something like a congratulations and look forward to welcoming the new baby whenever the time is right.

The thing is, though, Chopin will be wrong for asking to see the baby, but also wrong for not asking to see the baby. Whatever she does will be wrong in LB's view. That has to be expected, sadly, whatever action she takes. But he certainly enjoys being able to say no to her, so I would avoid giving him that satisfaction. DD1 knows perfectly well her mother would be there like a shot if allowed and welcomed.

I've followed Chopin's threads but not commented on this one. I'm sorry that you are still being treated so appallingly by LB. I'm sure you're fully aware of French law, but for other posters, I just wanted to back up @tattychicken saying that your DD's will have inherited a share of the house from your DH. We have French property in our family. If my DH passes away his share will be split 50% to me and 50% to DC's. So in effect I would own 75% (assuming I owned 50% to begin with) and DC's would split 25% between them. We none of us could sell our share without permission of the others. French law is set up so that you can't disinherit your children. I believe Wills generally don't exist as they're exceedingly expensive.

As always Chopin, there are many of us silently rooting for you.

Not necessarily the case, there are 2 types if marriage contacts in France & one is all joint assets can be left to the dernier vivant ( remaining partner) in the assumption that Chopin was married & lived in the in the UK, it could be that UK law is applied.. When they bought their house the "notary" may gave advised them on doing the paperwork for donation to " dernier vivant"?
It costs about 150€, I believe, but may only be for French citizens?
I'm not an expert

Thank you everyone for your replies.

The property in France is a ski chalet, which is rented by someone who runs catered ski holidays. However, because of Covid, I have hardly had any rent for the last couple of years. Also, I have been completely dependent upon the person who rents it, to take care of it, as I would not have been allowed to visit during much of lockdown. The borders with France are currently closed to UK nationals again, so it is all a bit of a headache and another source of worry. In the meantime, I still have to submit accounts and pay French taxes etc. This is something which DH dealt with and which I am finding a struggle.

DD2 has always thought that I should sell the property, but DD3 was quite sentimental about keeping it for a while, as it has so many happy memories of family holidays. DD1 was also reminiscing some time ago, saying how much she would like to take her DC there. So I suppose I had this dream, in my head, of the next generation spending holidays there, the DGC learning how to ski, being reunited as a happy family. But, sadly, that's all it was, just a dream.

DH's share of the property passed to me upon his death, as we instructed specialist lawyers to draft a will, making it clear that English law was to apply. However, whereas I can sell the property and move the monies back to the UK, if I were to die before then, I cannot disinherit my DC, at least that is my understanding of the legal position. It might be possible to leave DD1's share directly to her DC, as they are direct descendants, but I have been advised that this would be a bureaucratic nightmare, whilst the DGC are minors.

The executors of my English will are DD2, DD3 and my solicitor. I am working towards simplification of my affairs so that, if something were to happen to me, the solicitor would hopefully deal with the administration, and be a buffer between DD1 and her sisters, if necessary.

GooseberryJam - thank you for your advice. I am getting better at stepping back, I think. A piece of me died with DH and sometimes I just don't feel emotional at all, as though my heart has frozen over. Other times, I feel distraught and overcome by emotion, which is when it is best to avoid contact with DD1. I think you are right in that they expect me to beg to see DGS, so that they can knock me back. I don't want to. expose myself to that scenario, as it would be unbearably painful, even though their actions were anticipated.

ESGdance - I know that you are right about not involving the PIL, as it is bound to backfire on me and harm my relationship with DD1. You are right that it all feels 'unnatural', that I am having to act against my maternal instincts. Life just doesn't seem 'real' somehow, that I am trapped in a nightmare which I never wake up from. I have read into 'Stockholm syndrome' to some extent, and it does resonate, as regards DD1's behaviour.

You are all correct in saying that I will be wrong, whatever I decide to do. If I ask to see the baby, LB will be delighted to exercise his power in refusing me. If I don't ask, it will be evidence that I don't care.

Thanks again for your support, and sorry not to mention everyone individually as last time, when it led to such a long post that I had to divide it into three. Even then, they were all so long, that I wonder that anyone managed to struggle to the end!

DH's share of the property passed to me upon his death, as we instructed specialist lawyers to draft a will, making it clear that English law was to apply. However, whereas I can sell the property and move the monies back to the UK, if I were to die before then, I cannot disinherit my DC, at least that is my understanding of the legal position. In that case, if I were you I would try to sell it now. It will be easier in the long run and it's not really useful now either for you to be able to use or get rent from.

Hi @Chopinandchampagne I agree with @GooseberryJam
I suppose the baby must be due any minute and your dd1 is already probably conscious of the fact that you have disengaged. Hanging back is the right thing to do so that her choices come in to clearer focus.

I was also in an abusive relationship with a gaslighting practitioner of coercive control so believe me, she'll have noticed. It feels easier in the short term but it's also very sad.

You have to back away (and I know that you have) so that she sees that even if you hang right back to make things easy with him, he himself is still not ''easy'' and never will be.

Eventually her choices will be clear.

-Start again with the support of family and his continued bitterness
-Knuckle under his regime and never have support from family again.

FWIW, I left my gaslighting emotionally abusive fuckker when my youngest DC was 14 months old and I did that because I knew that I had to pick a side. I could no longer placate him / persuade him to ''allow'' me to invite over my Mum or get him to ''allow'' me to visit her.

So I left at that point when I knew that there was going to be no room for my family in my life. My youngest was 1 so I had a little bit of strength in myself back.

I would sell the house in France too and spend the money on doing nice things with your other daughters. Let DD1 see that she is missing out on being a part of a happy unit.

Hi @Chopinandchampagne - I think keep doing what you’re doing which is detaching just to protect your own head. If dd1 makes any mention of you visiting once the baby is born, agree with her - say ‘wouldn’t that be lovely’ etc etc. Non committal but loving. The ‘not caring’ badge can’t be pinned on you then. I think it’s important to keep that door open but assume that it won’t happen the way you (and probably your daughter!) would want.
You’ll need to wait and hope she wakes up. She has nailed her colours to the mast, is with LB 100% of the time and is raising his children so just can’t afford to go against him now. She’s had to double down. If she does wake up one day, she’ll be a broken woman and will need you and her sisters then. She’s in survival mode now.
Keep telling her what she and your grandchildren mean to you, don’t breathe LBs name, keep your powder dry and please try to live your life in the meantime as much as you can. We’re all rooting for you here

@Chopinandchampagne

If I ask to see the baby, LB will be delighted to exercise his power in refusing me. If I don't ask, it will be evidence that I don't care

Similar to above, you need to cultivate politician-speak rather than family-speak. 'Of course it would be wonderful to see you all and meet new DGC' - refusal - 'yes, I'd rather gathered that would be the case' No judgement, but a clear message.

I'd also sell up in France. In fact I'd spend this year simplifying and streamlining my life and obligations. You have your lovely memories and as hard as it is, this is a new phase of your life now, not one you'd ever have chosen of course, but you can embrace it and do what's best for you, which, after all, is exactly what your late DH and your other daughters would also want for you.

If you sold chalet & moved the money back to the UK then it is highly unlikely that The French taxman would follow up X years down the line, In theory you don't pay Inheritance tax in 2 countries, so if it was declared in the Uk, the french Tax man accepts it. 5Although I don't know if Brexit affects this) also if you jump a generation, by French tax law, the Inheritance Tax goes up, ALOT.
Anyway, I suppose you could say DD1's share comes out of the French money ? that way LB couldn't take DD2 & 3 to (International/French ?) court over you having disinherited DD, (illegal in France)
God what a bag of worms

Ultimately if DH share of the chalet has to be left to the DC then what is there to stop it being left unequally?

Plus the value of that is small compared to the rest of your potential worth so I guess you look at ring fence it. Perhaps you invest it in something that you will utilise but won't necessarily appreciate such as a mobile park home for UK holidays.

Glad your solicitor is on it anyway.

Keep on keeping on

@OrangeBlossomsinthesun

DH's share of the property passed to me upon his death, as we instructed specialist lawyers to draft a will, making it clear that English law was to apply. However, whereas I can sell the property and move the monies back to the UK, if I were to die before then, I cannot disinherit my DC, at least that is my understanding of the legal position. In that case, if I were you I would try to sell it now. It will be easier in the long run and it's not really useful now either for you to be able to use or get rent from.

I agree too. You could always rent it as a family if a family ski holiday is wanted at some future point. I would sell it, buy a beautiful dress, and have a weekend somewhere pretty with your younger dds. Then bank the rest.

Maybe i didn't explain clearly
I think you will find that french law requires equal division between the dc. (Of the french property)
So Dd1 is entitled to a 1/8. Your H owned 50% if you were both on the deeds. So his share has to be divided into 4 parts, one part each for all 4 of you,
This would be the classic division for a married couple
If you were to give DD1's share to the DGC, they would be taxed at a higher rate than if the money went to Dd1.
LB could contest that the money from the chalet was legally Dd1s share.
You cannot legally disinherit your child in France
So best just to split the money between them.
Then for the any other money from the UK, you do as you wish
I am not an expert,

@FollowYourOwnNorthStar

Hey OP, I’ve read all your other thread and commented on some. I recall with horror her asking you to be party to a signature being forged - as a fellow solicitor this cut me to the quick, as it is at the heart of our professional honour and obligations, and she was disregarding it as though it were nothing.

Your graciousness, thoughtfulness and compassion shines out from every post you make. I wish I could take you out for coffee and cake and spoil you a bit, as I can see that you wish to do for those you love.

You’ve had such good advice on here, I really can’t add to it. Except perhaps to emphasis one point that has been made a different way - there is no point in going over your actions again (specifically throwing LB out 7 years ago), as if you hadn’t done that, he would have waited for the next thing you did to ‘create the drama’. Think about it, and you know it to be true.

It was interesting reading your thread in full tonight, as - having a 1000 mile view on the situation, I could just see and predict some things that happened, but which took you from left field. To continue that, I predict:

• it will be a difficult birth for DD1, she has already set herself up in opposition to drs and to their medical advice. I don’t want to upset you, but you should consider the a motions ramifications of this.
• whatever happens, after the birth LB will take DD1 and the DGC to Ireland and far away from people well before she is medically ready to do so. You may be called on for guilt money, in some way to alleviate your daughters distress, or to get access to see you DGS, especially if there are medical conditions.
• they will continue to fight the solicitors, and put new solicitors and other people in the area off. They seem incapable of getting on with people.
• the property will never be transferred correctly/have the EU grant to their satisfaction, and this will be an issue. You will be called on or hinted to pay money that would fix the situation, and probably guilt will be used.
• any baby presents will be wrong. No matter what they are. Even if it was a cow with an accompanying milkmaid to give them all fresh, healthy milk for a year - they would have switched to almond milk for the environment the week before. And if you got a supply of almond milk, you would be accused of not being thoughtful and being too generic with a gift anyone could give.
• you will buy another cask of whisky, and whilst this may have been ok for the other two DGC, because this is now expected, I bet it ends up being ‘wrong’ somehow.
• they will find out about the $ you gave to DD2, or spent on a holiday for yourself, or something, and there will be a huge outcry about money.
• in May DD1 won’t get a new phone (or LB won’t let her) and you will step in and go to great trouble to get a new one for her.
• along the way DD1 will continue to lean on you when she is in emotional distress (causing you emotional distress at hearing her), but still pull away and hurt you whenever LB requires her to do so.

I hesitate before sending this, as I don’t mean to be cruel. I just don’t want such a lovely, kind woman (who obviously sent those thoughtful Christmas gifts with such love) to be writing about her hurt at rejection again in a years time.

I hope 2022 gives you the gift of being able to put the DD1 you knew ‘on ice’, and store all your love and future thoughts of a relationship there too. This new person is a stranger, don’t give them much engagement, short texts, don’t initiate, keep a door open, but don’t be a doormat. Be brisk. Like you’d respond if a new colleague said she didn’t like the presents and could you return them - “Sorry, you didn’t like them DD1, yet we’re sent with love. Yes, do re-gift or take to charity as you think best. If you really would prefer no presents, then perhaps we should stop now. It seems a shame, but I want to do what makes you happy, darling.”

I agree with others about no offering your opinion. Whatever she says “sounds like you have it all in hand, DD1”. “Small holding? Whatever makes you happy darling.” Concerns over hospital staff/advice? “You are the one in the room, dear, so whatever you think.” Can’t visit new DGS? “Yes, January is so busy, and my February is filling up now too! Let me know when suits you and I’m sure we’ll squeeze something in.”

I’m another one who think that as soon as DD2 or DD3 get married and have children, she will be FaceTiming daily and you will have unrestricted access to her children. Cynically, I think it is because at the moment they are pawns to get money, and then later they will fear they are being supplanted by other DGC and will use them at you.

Absolutely amazing post. If you remember nothing else from this thread, remember this.

Thank you everyone. I think that you are right, that it is better to sell the chalet, but at least the French border has reopened, so hopefully this season won't be a total write off.

Userbot989 - I am pleased that you found the strength to leave your ex, who sounds as though he was cast from the same mould as LB. What is it with these people, why do they behave like this? It makes no sense to me.

Even before they moved to Ireland, the physical distance between me and DD1 was such that I would probably only have gone 3-4 times a year and wouldn't have imposed or outstayed my welcome. I would have stayed in an hotel, so as not to be an inconvenience and wouldn't expect to be catered for/entertained etc. I would just have liked to do simple things, like play with the DGDs. As DD3 said, I wasn't asking for much. It would hardly be taking up any of DD1's time, in the scheme of things. Couldn't LB just put up with me for a weekend here and there? I wouldn't even have minded if he had ignored me. I wouldn't have made a fuss. Why can't he make such a small sacrifice for the sake of his wife? Why does he have to make such a big deal of it.

In the meantime, DD1 has been updating me regularly, without my needing to ask. She had a sweep a couple of days ago, but still no news as of this morning. There still seems to be a telepathy between us, as her message arrived literally as I was about to message her, just briefly. I just say things like I am thinking of her etc. She clearly wants me to know and is very anxious, so what kind of husband would prevent his wife from seeing her mum after the birth (if he does prevent it, to which I am more or less resigned).

I was speaking to DH's sister yesterday, and explained the position, and she was really shocked and very supportive. She is so lovely, so like her brother - she was saying how much she and her other brother miss DH and miss being able to discuss things with him, as he had such sound judgment. I can't believe that, given what has happened with DH, LB is still persisting in the way he is, in further destroying DD1's family relationships. Perhaps ESGdance is right and he thinks that he was being very compassionate by allowing me a brief visit in the summer!

Ohfortheloveofgodwhatnow - sadly, I think that you are right, she has to agree with LB, although I can't help thinking that, at some level;. she does realise that he is being unreasonable. She sounded weak and apologetic when she mentioned about not seeing the baby, simply saying 'he is my husband', as though it were entirely up to him, and her views are not important. DH would be horrified, at least he has been spared this latest development. DD1 is quite vulnerable and I doubt that she will ever have the strength to leave LB until maybe if her children grow up and support her. But perhaps they will all be under his total influence and believe that Granny is evil! DD1 said that she would keep the memory of DH alive, but I wonder if she will be allowed to do so.

Mix56 - I think that I need to sell up and move the sale monies back to the UK. I don't want to disinherit DD1, but I don't want LB to get his hands on any of my or DH's money, ever.

Thank you all for your support.

OP, I'm sorry for everything you are going through. But you must stop wasting energy and mental space on why and what ifs where LB is concerned. He has a personality disorder. He does not think like a standard issue human being. You will never understand his thought processes, thank goodness for you. All you are doing is upsetting yourself.

I know it is very hard right now with the baby due but you need to extract yourself from both DD1 and LB. Try to compartmentalize it maybe, give yourself a half hour a day to reach out or respond to her, then focus on DD2 and 3 and friends who truly care about you, not just what you can do for them.

Have you made any progress on finding a new therapist? I still think someone with a background in cults and brainwashing could be useful.

Would it help to have some of the previous posters "Grey rock script" replies written out and kept available so you can use them if needed after the birth when emotions might be high.

DD1 has to learn that it is LB who is primarily stopping her mother visiting and supporting.

Having the "Grey Rock Script" to hand would be very useful. Have a quick peep over it every day.

Thinking of you @Chopinandchampagne as you wait anxiously for news.

Thank you for your replies.

I don't spend all of my time thinking about DD1, but it is at the back of my mind whilst she is waiting for DGC3 to be born, especially given the history of the previous two births. She and DGD2 had a narrow escape last time, and I worry that she may not be so lucky this time. I have just spent a lovely couple of hours going on a walk with DD3, when we didn't mention DD1, and I honestly didn't think of her at all!

In so far as 'Grey Rock' is concerned, I am just sending short, upbeat but caring messages, nothing heavy or emotional, and I propose to keep it that way.

Regarding my therapist, I suspect that I probably would benefit from a change, as she is not really helping me very much. To be honest, she just acts as a shoulder to cry on, is empathetic, and listens sympathetically when I vent etc, but we don't do anything beyond my moaning and her listening. It was helpful after DH died, as I just needed someone to cry to, to let out my pain. But we haven't really progressed from that. She is a lovely person, but has a number of health issues, as does her husband, so the last sessions have had to be swapped around, as she has been waiting on calls from her GP etc, which I really sympathise with, but sometimes I feel that she is a bit distracted and maybe - not exactly takes me for granted - more that we have got into a rut. So I enjoy talking to her, but it is not challenging or changing anything, or really helping, apart from that period of sympathy, when I feel free to moan. Does that sound mean?

I would be really grateful if anyone could recommend a therapist or point me in the right direction. I keep thinking that I probably should do something, but then I don't. Sometimes it is easy to stick to the familiar, and there have been so many changes recently.

The advice I was given was to get a list of your local BACP or similar registered body therapists and then call a few that you think have potential and have a chat with them about the issue and what you are wanting to achieve. You need to "gel" with someone.

Read are around first the different types of therapy various ones offer so you have a very brief understanding of what they such psychodynamic, compassion based.

You're looking for a psychologist therapist rather than a counsellor.

I don't want to disinherit DD1, but I don't want LB to get his hands on any of my or DH's money, ever

Unfortunately lovely Chopin. These two statements are incompatible. You cannot allow dd1 to inherit without allowing LB complete control of your money. She is unlikely to even be allowed to use it to buy herself a new car or a hair cut. This is why giving her a nominal small amount of say maybe £10k and splitting the rest of her share between the dgcs is probably the way to go.