I don't think I will be allowed to see my new grandchild.

[Chopinandchampagne]

Some of you may remember my previous threads regarding my relationship with my daughter and SIL.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues?msgid=109152806#109152806

It has been a difficult year, following the death of DH, with lots of firsts to get through, but I have just about survived, with a lot of support from DD2 and DD3, DH's family and friends. And, earlier in the year, DD1 told me she was expecting DGS1 in early January. This time she told me very shortly after the pregnancy was confirmed, and was clearly thrilled saying that 'new life' was coming after DH's death. She was delighted to find out that the baby is a boy, as SIL particularly wanted a son, after two daughters.

I had thought that, if there were any positives from DH's death - and it is hard to think of any, as I loved him so much - the family might be reconciled and healed. And I was very happy to hear about the baby, although a bit concerned, given the two previous emergency C sections (although I kept my concerns to myself).

DD1 has now moved to Ireland, having purchased a small holding with her inheritance from DH's aunt, as DH drafted his aunt's will so that his share would go to his DC if he were to predecease her. DD1 had sent me photos of the new property, says how much they love it over there, it feels 'so right' etc. They went for about a month and have now returned to the UK for the birth. I thought all was fine with my relationship with DD1, we were having natural conversations, FaceTimes with DGD1 and DGD2, ending conversations with 'I love you; etc.

I had enjoyed picking out some Christmas presents, which I thought they would enjoy. With the DGDs, I have sent presents which I knew they would appreciate, for DD1 some cashmere hat, gloves, scarf etc, and socks for baby, as I know it will be cold on the small holding, but also a food hamper, chocolates and candles sent jointly to DD1 and SIL, saying with love from Mum etc.

I spoke to DD1 on Friday and I could tell that there was something wrong, as she seemed more tense, less relaxed. She started by saying that she thought I should claim a refund for the hamper, that I had wasted my money, as the ham was too dry and not as good as supermarket ham. I thanked her for letting me know and said I would do so. She said the chocolates had too many additives, so they couldn't eat them (I had chosen dairy and soy free ones, as DGD1 had an allergy to dairy), so I said fine, just regift or donate them. They are generally happy with the DGC's toys, although I shouldn't send anything else. I said I understood, and was conscious that they wouldn't want too much stuff to take back to Ireland.

Then I asked her about how she was feeling and how the 36 week scan had gone. It seems that the baby is small (10th percentile), although appears healthy, but she is very worried about the birth, which is understandable, given the history. She wants a natural birth and is terrified of intervention. She thinks some of the medical staff are horrible and referred to one who asked her last time if she wanted a dead baby on her conscience, after she refused medical advice to have an elective C section. I made reassuring comments. She also said that she might not tell anyone when she went into labour as she didn't want to worry anyone, such as SIL's grandparents (last time she sent me messages before the birth and we spoke afterwards).

We then had a discussion about Ireland. They have run into some problems to do with the Forestry/Agricultural Commission which are preventing them from obtaining a felling licence and flock number, which they need to purchase animals. It seems that not all of the land has been conveyed to them and they have fallen out with the solicitor, whom they feel has been negligent. SIL spent a long time composing a letter and was angry when he only received a brief reply from the solicitor.

Anyway, after all that, I said that I and her sisters were looking forward to seeing the baby, especially after not seeing DGD1 as a baby, and DGD2 because of lockdown. She went a bit quiet and was non committal just saying Mmm, we'll see, I need to have the baby first. I pressed the point and she said 'SIL is my husband'. I said 'Yes, I know'. She said that I had tried to make her feel guilty over her treatment of DH and that she didn't feel guilty. She repeated this and then said that I had said that I was going to write SIL a letter in the summer and that it might now be too late. I was genuinely taken aback by this.

For context, before I visited in the summer, we had a heated conversation where I said that she had hurt DH (and me) by not telling him about the birth of DGD1 for 14 months or her marriage and by moving without telling us. I admit I was angry as I felt that DH had been cheated of precious time with his granddaughter, although I said that I knew she hadn't known that he was going to die. I said that I thought that she had been emotionally abusive in 'ghosting' us and I didn't want to form an attachment to my DGCs if there was a risk of it happening again. It would just be too painful. It made me afraid of loving them as I would wish to. DD1 had referred then to the incident, some years before, where I had made SIL leave my house (they weren't married then), as I felt he was bullying her. I said that it was all a long time ago and that 'Dad didn't do anything wrong, did he?', to which she replied 'No'. She said that SIL had told her not to be in contact.

I subsequently said, in another conversation, that I had been angry, but that I wasn't any longer, and that it would be nice if we could go out to lunch together, just the two of us, when I visited, and to start rebuilding our relationship. I duly visited, had what I thought was a very pleasant day with the family at a local attraction, then lunch with DD1 then next day. I said I thought that the previous day had gone well and she said that SIL had told her that he did not want me to visit too often (this was the first time I had visited since DH's funeral). I said that I was sorry to hear this and was there some way of resolving matters; that the 'incident' was all a long time ago, that it was time to move on, and that DH's death put disagreements into context. She said maybe I should say that to SIL and it was him I should be taking out or talking to. I said I would be happy to talk to him, but I doubted that he would want to go out with me, maybe I should write him a letter. So I floated the idea of a letter in a private conversation with DD1, but did not say that I was definitely going to write one and, upon reflection, I thought that it might be too much of a hostage to fortune.

During this lunch, which was mostly pleasant, and focusing on neutral topics, DD1 repeated again that she had cut us off because SIL had told her to, that she had had to choose and would always choose SIL. I said that I had made SIL leave my house on that occasion because I was trying to protect her, especially given her previous abusive relationship. She said she had not told SIL about this ie the previous relationship and she was not sure if she would behave in the same way as I did. She said she appreciated that I did not know that she would marry SIL at the time. I said that I understood that, in the final analysis, she would and should put her family first, but I thought she should also have some loyalty to her original family. After that, we returned to everyday topics and I thought we had both had a pleasant lunch, 'cleared the air', and that we were moving forward in rebuilding our relationship. However, it seems I was wrong.

When we returned to the house after lunch (for me to call a taxi back to the hotel), SIL went off to his workshop without speaking to me or saying goodbye. I went to the workshop and said goodbye and gave him a hug. I found it a gruelling trip without DH but went away thinking it had gone well.

Anyway, back to the present, I was blindsided by DD1's comments in the conversation to the effect that I should have written a letter and that it might be 'too late'. I said what did she think I should say in the letter. I said that it was all so long ago, that I had apologised to SIL, that we had met since then at DD1's 21st, that he had said we were 'ok'.DD1 said she didn't want anything that would upset her after the birth. I said that I would never do anything to upset her after the birth. I said that I was nice to SIL, praised him for his DIY skills and as a father, that I behaved in a civilised fashion, sent him cards and gifts, what more could I do, I couldn't make him like me. At this stage DD1 was clearly agitated and said she had to go and that she would speak to me another time. I said 'Alright darling, good bye'.

So I feel both devastated and empty at the same time. I had thought, after the most hellish two years, when I had to watch my beloved DH die and then lose his aunt, whom I was close to. When, more recently, my MIL nearly died, my sister in law has had major surgery, and I have lost one of my closest friends (the funeral is this week), I had thought that I had just about survived. I keep giving myself a talking to, saying come on, just one more step forward, nearly there, nearly the end of the year. And now this.

I apologise for the length of this post, but I would be grateful for any advice as to how handle the situation. Part of just feels like giving up, but I obviously don't want to lose DD1 again, and I am worried about the birth of DGS and would have wanted to be a support, not an aggravating factor.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/jan/09/reproductive-coercion-abuse-women-control-choices

Yes Reproductive Coercive Control is well recognised and is likely what has been going on here from the very early days of the relationship. It’s to keep the partner physically trapped and dependent.

It's interesting that you mention Reproductive Coercive Control @ESGdance. If I remember correctly, very early in their relationship there was some discussion of deciding not to use contraception and that LB said that he wanted an open relationship. I know relationships do change over time and marriage vows perhaps make things different for them, but I believe that he was exercising this specific type of control from the start.

Chopin - I hope you are OK. You do sound stronger and more accepting of the situation. I believe previous posters have it absolutely spot on when they say that you throwing him out of the house 7 years ago is nothing to focus on or apologise for. You are definitely overthinking this event. If it had never happened, LB would have found another reason to make it look like you were the baddie so that he could completely remove DD1's support network.

I'm sure you will be worrying a lot about the birth and DD1 & DGS1's health and I hope all is well with them both. I agree with previous posters that you should make it gently clear that you would like to visit, but that you do not want to put her under any pressure so will await an invitation. The ball is then in her court. It sounds like she will need support and I doubt that LB will be forthcoming with it if the last birth is anything to go by. If the only other person who can give her support is you then your absence will be obvious to her. And if she is not allowed to invite you, then there is only one person she can blame. It sounds cruel, but the sooner she starts being uncomfortable and realising who is to blame for her situation the better.

Sending best wishes.

Thank you for all of your replies and I am sorry not to have posted sooner, but I have been missing DH a lot this week. At first, I was just relieved that I had actually survived the first year without him, and was grateful that Christmas and New Year were over. Now, however, the months of the new year seem to stretch endlessly in front of me, and the years after that. So you can see that I have not exactly been a ray of sunshine, and I didn't want to inflict my misery on my friends on here! But I have been reading your posts and, as ever, taking great comfort from them.

There is no sign of DGS yet, and DD1 has not heard anything further from the hospital. She has said that she will go for a scan when she is two weeks past her due date, but is just hoping that birth will start naturally before then. In the meantime, we have had a couple of normal telephone conversations, and she sounded reasonably warm and loving, but still no sign of the DGDs on FaceTime or photos etc. We just kept the conversations neutral and neither of us mentioned any potential visit to see the baby. However, I have little doubt that LB will remain steadfast in his intention that I should not be allowed to see the baby. Reading between the lines, I have concluded that he may well have decided that I should not be allowed to see any of the DGC ever again. Perhaps he might allow me very limited access, if I grovel and offer a sufficient bribe, but that's not going to happen....However, in return for DD accepting this, I suspect that he has agreed that she may tell me of the birth and keep me updated, as she knows that I am concerned for her and the baby to be safe, given that she is classed as 'high risk'.

ESGdance - thank you for your wonderful post last Wednesday at 10.11, which I found truly inspirational. Hence my approach, in line with your wise advice, and that of others, in showing concern for DD, but not straying into any controversial topics of conversation. I have felt angry and enraged, as you describe, in that, despite knowing I have lost my beloved DH, and revelling in the legacy which has come as a result of his death, LB still wants to deprive me of any spark of potential joy and to kick me, when I am already so down. But I am also angry for DD, as I know that she would love to have a normal family relationship between LB, her DC, me, and her sisters, but who is being denied this basic right and comfort. Thank you for saying 'you can't steal love' - I have held onto that phrase.

SirVixofVixHall - thank you for your compassionate post, following on from ESGdance, which really resonated with me. You are both right in that LB is an arch manipulator and is trying to exploit the situation to his advantage, as usual, but - as you say - there is nothing that I can do, but to accept my own powerlessness and to step back. In a way, having reached rock bottom after the loss of DH, the only upside is that I can't sink any lower - the only way is up! You are so right in saying that I have reached the stage of questioning myself and every decision I make. That is why this thread is so helpful, it keeps me sane, as the advice is more detached, whereas I am caught up in the middle of it all. I have been on various other threads such as the 'Stately Homes' one, and read various books, such as 'Toxic Parents', to try to ascertain where I have gone wrong, and how I might improve. When I consider how lost and confused I feel, at times, how does DD have any chance of forming any independent views, when she is with LB 24/7? If I were to try to express a different view, it would simply confuse and upset her.

I actually think that DD has been better, as in more open, since she got back from Ireland, and I suspect that this is probably because they have been seeing LB's parents, who are bound to have asked after me, said it's a difficult time of year for me etc - basically, just expressing normal views, and showing a bit of compassion. I wonder how LB and DD will explain my absence to PIL after the birth. It even crossed my mind to speak to DD's MIL, on a confidential basis, to see if she could put in a word for me, without saying that she knows, eg she could just say to them that she is looking forward to seeing me. But my second thought, almost immediately afterwards, was that this would be a bad idea, and would put the PIL in a very difficult situation. Also, if LB were to find out, he would be very angry and would rant about me to DD and make her feel bad, as well as it providing further justification for cutting off any contact. I think the reason that LB has always tried to prevent any contact with his DP, has been that he did not want them to interfere or to provide a different view, which DD might take notice of. They did, apparently, tell LB and DD that they should inform us of the birth of DGD1 but, in the event, their advice was ignored.

Fallingallotmenteur - I know that you are right, although it has taken me a while to reach that conclusion. I would always have ended up in a similar position to the one I am currently in. I have reflected many times on that day, when I made him leave my house but, although I might have handled it better, I am by no means sure that I would have done so. I think this is because I was so concerned and emotional, as I saw LB getting an ever increasing grip on DD. All of my protective instincts screamed out that he was bad news and a threat to DD's well being. I would still have asked him to leave - and I did ask politely to start with - but, when he refused, what else could I do? I was in a terrible state, really upset, but nothing like as upset as DD, when she finally emerged from the bathroom, where she had shut herself in, when she was completely hysterical.

LB subsequently told DD that she obviously got her 'batshit craziness' from me, but I am not usually so provoked or upset. It was out of character for me. He just thinks he can do what he want. He even kicked up a fuss. when he wasn't allowed to spend the night at the hospital after the birth of DGD2. However, when I spoke to DD at the hospital, after the horrendous birth she had just been through, she actually seemed more concerned about LB's comfort and well being than her own, worried about him getting home, not having eaten etc.

If we hadn't have fallen out over this incident, it would have been over something else financial, as he would just have increased his demands until we said no, then the manipulation and estrangement would have commenced. Even though LB was furious at being made to leave the family home, he was still prepared to pretend that all was forgiven and forgotten, whilst he thought that there might be some financial benefit. He was most angry that I did not stump up the cash for half of the original house, and subsequently suggested that we could let them have our retirement home to 'make amends'.

Never ask to see the baby or your other granddaughters. Hard, but sit on the inclination to ask.

That'll take the fun out of his manifesto.

BorsetshireBanality. ESGdance, and BluebellCockleshell123 - sadly, I entirely agree that this is a situation of 'Reproductive Coercive Control', although of course DD1 adores her DC. But her poor body has hardly had time to recover between one pregnancy and the next, breastfeeding etc. From what she has told me, she already has scarring and some permanent ill effects, following the two emergency C sections.

LB couldn't wait to tie DD to him. Before the DC arrived, they bought two dogs, who were used as a reason for avoiding social situations, as the DGC are now. When it was DD2's graduation, they arrived after the ceremony and left part way through the celebration meal, in order to get back for the dogs, which upset DD2 a lot (the subject of one of my previous threads). They rejected DH's idea that LB could simply arrive later, and that he and DD1 could then travel back together after the meal, as they said they preferred to travel both ways together (we are talking about a one hour train journey).

LB subsequently sent a long email to the family, saying how 'spoilt' DD2 was, amongst other criticisms, thereby managing to insult both DD2 and us, for our parenting skills (or lack of!). That was what drove a wedge between DD1 and DD2, not that DD2 cared what LB thought, but she was so upset that DD1 had agreed that he should send the letter. DD1 has told me several times since then that, after the graduation, she just cried and cried, and was heartbroken. With hindsight, it was LB creating another drama and upset, not only to hurt DD2 and upset us, but thereby also causing huge distress to DD1, whom he professed to love. I believe that was the day he broke her spirit.

Going back to 'Reproductive Coercive Control', as I said on a previous thread, DGD1 was not the first pregnancy. DD1 came to me, having driven hundreds of miles, in great distress, to say that she had 'been really stupid', 'made a terrible mistake', I asked her what she had decided to do, whether she had had counselling, she was adamant that she did not want to proceed, and I said that I would support her, whatever she decided. That was why she took me on the city break, to thank me for my support, and she said she felt so relieved afterwards. And then, just a year later, she conceives DGD1. DD2's graduation was the month after we got back from the city break.

I think that is another aspect which I found painful, that I knew exactly when what would have been DGC1, was made to not be there, but I did not know when DGD1 was there, if you see what I mean. But I also wonder if LB engineered the estrangement, as he blames me for what happened earlier, even though it has never been suggested that I tried to influence DD either way.

billybagpuss - I am keeping matters under consideration, but the position on inheritance is complicated by the fact that I own a holiday home in France, where it is much more difficult to exclude DC (although I have decided to try to sell it, as I suspect that it will be just too painful to visit without DH). Also, I don't want DD to be excluded or to feel hurt and rejected by a will which she feels to be unfair. I have drawn up a trust for the English side of things and I know that I can trust DD2 and DD3 to treat DD fairly. I just don't want LB making DD1 demand her (his) rights before I am cold in my grave, thereby causing upset to DD2 and DD3. The trust makes this much less likely, as the intention is to give discretion to my trustees and to protect the trust assets, so far as possible.

SoonbeSpringtime - Hello and thank you for your comments. I love your username!

Littlepaws18 - thank you for your comments. It is so helpful to hear opinions written from the standpoint of the DC. I am delighted that you now have a good relationship with your DM. You are right, a difficult partner, like LB, can cause damage to many people, as the ripples roll out through the family and beyond. I hope that you are right about DD keeping true to her core self. She seems to have been reminiscing about her childhood recently. She said that she had been telling her PIL about our family Christmases, and said she thought that we 'did Christmas very well'. It is little remarks like that which I cling to, and which give me a spark of hope and comfort.

Mix65 - thanks for your comments. Actually, the more I think about visiting, the less appealing it seems. Part of me wants to go, it just seems the natural and right thing to do, for a mother to see her DD and her new baby. But I know that it would be grim going on my own, without DH for support, and I know that the situation would be tense and awkward. I would be hoping to go and hug DD and say hello to the baby, take a few photos, and then hotfoot it home, as soon as possible. If I were to go, it would be an ordeal, not a joy.

FollowYourOwnNorthStar - I am immensely grateful for your wonderfully supportive post. I feel your warmth and kindness across the oceans, and the Australian sunshine radiates in my direction, and makes me feel better. You have articulated my worst fears but, all I can do is to face them, one at a time, with the safe delivery of DD and DGS being top of the list. At least DD seems happy to keep me informed and, indeed, has told me that she will keep me advised of developments, regarding the birth. She knows that I am concerned about her and that I love her. And I believe that she loves me - to quote ESGdance again - 'you can't steal love'!

RandomMess - great advice in encouraging me to spend my ill gotten gains!

mathananxiety - thank you for your comments. LB is certainly a destructive influence, that's for sure. I will be monitoring the situation, as best I can, sadly from a distance. I am afraid to contact any authorities, as it could backfire spectacularly, and I am not concerned about any physical risks to the DGC, who are well cared for.

NearlyAHoarder - I am pleased that you were able to escape your abusive ex. I am interested in your comment that DD might think 'nothing is worth it'. I suspect that, on one level, that is true. She seems to have accepted that it is up to LB how much, if any, contact she has with her family, as 'he is my husband'. I suspect that the trip in the summer caused a lot of grief - she had clearly been closely cross examined as to what we spoke about over lunch (the first time I had spent any time alone with DD since she took me on a European city break in June 2016). She wants to believe that everything is normal even though, at some level, she must know that it isn't. It is not normal for a DH to prevent his wife from seeing her family, in the absence of exceptional circumstances (I promise that I am not a secret axe murderer!).

Rightshoardingsaurus - thank you for your comments. I agree that DD1 has collaborated with LB to an extent, and I am deeply disappointed in her lack of loyalty. I told DD3 the other day that I probably wouldn't be allowed to see DGS, and she went ballistic, said DD1 was 'disgusting', 'had no moral compass' etc. Which is why I don't like to say too much to DD2 or DD3, as I don't want to fan the flames.

SoonbeSpringtime (on Friday at 10.28) - thank you for your lovely, reassuring post and sound advice, which I am doing my best to follow. Step back, no more unwanted 'fancy gifts' (as LB describes them), be there for DD if required, and try not to beat myself up too much. And no, I haven't booked a holiday around the due date - I would be too worried about her to enjoy it, anyway.

@Chopinandchampagne
One line in your latest posts stuck out for me.
"......Toxic Parents... where I have gone wrong, and how I might improve."

You didn't do anything a normal mother wouldn't have done when their daughter was so distressed (by LB).
You didn't do anything wrong.
LB just struck lucky - meeting a vulnerable but much loved girl with well off parents and manipulating her.
He appears to be a horrible human being.

Indeed Its not easy to disinherit a child under French law. You could always sign over the house to dd’s 1&2 well before you become an ex chopinandchampagne as there is little doubt dd1/lb will be pestering them both constantly so they might deserve some extra benefits.

I meant dd’s 2&3!

Oh chopinandchampagne I think you are right to sell the French property, it will make things easier and cleaner in the long run. It also means you don’t need to worry about happy memories that you have there being dulled by things that are going on now.

I also understand your want to not share too much with dd2 and 3 but I’d also caution about not shutting them out of the things you are going through.

Oh OP.. I've been lurking since the beginning of your thread... I'm so so sorry you are going through this.. Just wanted to send love from one mother to another... X

This phrase, from @LadyEloise1,

^You didn't do anything wrong.
LB just struck lucky - meeting a vulnerable but much loved girl with well off parents and manipulating her. He appears to be a horrible human being.^

is hard to read but sadly, I think rings very true indeed.

It's hard to associate the word "human" with someone who could be so evil as to see another person in this way, and actively plan on using them as a resource for themselves and as a weapon against people who love them.

I wish you strength in the coming year, @Chopinandchampagne and the support and comfort from your younger daughters and your friends.

I do hope you manage to find a counsellor more experienced in dealing with people like LB and DD1 and help rebuild you mentally and emotionally. Above all, please ensure you put boundaries in place to protect yourself against whatever onslaught may take place in the future. 🌹

would talk to Dd2 & 3 about French house. Is it rented? I would be very wary of keeping an empty property in France for a long time.
Would they want keep it, its a big responsibility, upkeep, insurance, elec etc. rentals, & just keeping it squatter free.
It is likely they will say they are not ready for the responsibility.
If you dont want to use it, it is a great time to sell, property value is soaring. If you don't want to make the decision yet, I would rent it out, to keep it safe.
But you do not want LB Involved in any devision of assets.
You know he will wade in & try & dictate to the women.
In your position I would disinherit Dd at this stage, (you can always readjust later), & leave her share to the DGC in a trust do LB cant get his hands on it & waste it.

Sorry, I need an edit button. No glasses

Its quite shocking that LB rushed Dd out of hospital after her last cesarian, really he cares for no-one, everyone is just a pawn in his game

YOUR WILL - Can you appoint professional executors who would be able to deal with being pestered and keep DD2 and DD3 out of it? Perhaps old law friends would oblige as Executors of the Will and perhaps as co-trustees on the Will Trust. You might consider bequest to DGC held till age 25 a bit of tax planning needed.

Great suggestion @ItsDinah re professionals being executors.
The pressure he would put on DD2 & DD3 if they were executors !
He ( and she sadly ) put pressure on your relative regarding a will before, you mentioned it in a previous thread.
They had no shame about it and you were embarrassed.

Snippet, when my M died, we discovered the 2 professional executors for the trusts she had created for us 20 years earlier ( from her longstanding family solicitor's company ) were either passed away or had done a runner with several of his clients portfolios.

In France children inherit property upon the death of the parent.
When FIL died, my MIL sold her French property for the same reasons you are thinking of.
DH and SIL had to sign forms saying they waived their rights to the property. It wasn't difficult, a bit faffy and slow that's all. But they were obviously happy to do it.
The difference is in your case that DD1 (and DD2 and DD3) would have to sign something similar which LB would most prob not let her do. I'm not sure where that leaves you to be honest.
I wonder if someone on the Legal board has knowledge of French law, or is there a good "Brits in France" forum someone can recommend?

Theres a legal board on fb
"Strctly legal france " or "legal expat france"

I agree that sadly, selling up in France seems sensible. If your dd leaves LB then I have no doubt that he will take everything he can from her. If she stays he will take everything and keep control of it to control her. It is terrible that you have to factor this in to all your future planning.

I would write your will that instructs DD2 and DD3 to instruct professional executors within x weeks/months and that under no circumstances are family members permitted to it.

Being an executor is time consuming and difficult even when straight forward.

I will again reiterate spend your money now, enjoy it and set DD2 & DD3 up now. Don't limit them to what you gave DD1 to be fair.

Regardless of what you do and don't do DD1/LB will kick off and create and cause angst. You cannot prevent it.

Have some lovely holidays and days with your younger DDs and partners if applicable. DD1 cannot be an independent adult and mother and be treated the same as her childless siblings. That's life.

Sounds like the property in France needs careful handling. If it is true that the children need to sign off on selling it (seems odd but I know nothing of French law) then it would be a perfect opportunity for LB to extort ££ from OP. Ugh, nasty man.

For therapy for yourself - it might be worth looking at people who specialize in families with cult members? This sounds scarily similar to me unfortunately.

Hoping for good things for you in the new year OP.

@tattychicken

In France children inherit property upon the death of the parent. When FIL died, my MIL sold her French property for the same reasons you are thinking of. DH and SIL had to sign forms saying they waived their rights to the property. It wasn't difficult, a bit faffy and slow that's all. But they were obviously happy to do it. The difference is in your case that DD1 (and DD2 and DD3) would have to sign something similar which LB would most prob not let her do. I'm not sure where that leaves you to be honest. I wonder if someone on the Legal board has knowledge of French law, or is there a good "Brits in France" forum someone can recommend?

I don't think this is true. Chopin can sell the French property any time she wants I think. The problem is if she dies and still owns it then one child can't sell without permission from the others.

@CraftyYankee it's not just for any sale, but for a sale after a death where the deceased has children. DH and his sister would have automatically inherited half of the French house, the other half being owned by MIL. They had to relinquish their rights to their half of the property and the proceeds of sale to enable MIL to sell the house and keep the money herself.
Not too onerous with normal sensible people, but yes, possibly another opportunity for LB to wield his heavy influence.