I don't think I will be allowed to see my new grandchild.

[Chopinandchampagne]

Some of you may remember my previous threads regarding my relationship with my daughter and SIL.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues?msgid=109152806#109152806

It has been a difficult year, following the death of DH, with lots of firsts to get through, but I have just about survived, with a lot of support from DD2 and DD3, DH's family and friends. And, earlier in the year, DD1 told me she was expecting DGS1 in early January. This time she told me very shortly after the pregnancy was confirmed, and was clearly thrilled saying that 'new life' was coming after DH's death. She was delighted to find out that the baby is a boy, as SIL particularly wanted a son, after two daughters.

I had thought that, if there were any positives from DH's death - and it is hard to think of any, as I loved him so much - the family might be reconciled and healed. And I was very happy to hear about the baby, although a bit concerned, given the two previous emergency C sections (although I kept my concerns to myself).

DD1 has now moved to Ireland, having purchased a small holding with her inheritance from DH's aunt, as DH drafted his aunt's will so that his share would go to his DC if he were to predecease her. DD1 had sent me photos of the new property, says how much they love it over there, it feels 'so right' etc. They went for about a month and have now returned to the UK for the birth. I thought all was fine with my relationship with DD1, we were having natural conversations, FaceTimes with DGD1 and DGD2, ending conversations with 'I love you; etc.

I had enjoyed picking out some Christmas presents, which I thought they would enjoy. With the DGDs, I have sent presents which I knew they would appreciate, for DD1 some cashmere hat, gloves, scarf etc, and socks for baby, as I know it will be cold on the small holding, but also a food hamper, chocolates and candles sent jointly to DD1 and SIL, saying with love from Mum etc.

I spoke to DD1 on Friday and I could tell that there was something wrong, as she seemed more tense, less relaxed. She started by saying that she thought I should claim a refund for the hamper, that I had wasted my money, as the ham was too dry and not as good as supermarket ham. I thanked her for letting me know and said I would do so. She said the chocolates had too many additives, so they couldn't eat them (I had chosen dairy and soy free ones, as DGD1 had an allergy to dairy), so I said fine, just regift or donate them. They are generally happy with the DGC's toys, although I shouldn't send anything else. I said I understood, and was conscious that they wouldn't want too much stuff to take back to Ireland.

Then I asked her about how she was feeling and how the 36 week scan had gone. It seems that the baby is small (10th percentile), although appears healthy, but she is very worried about the birth, which is understandable, given the history. She wants a natural birth and is terrified of intervention. She thinks some of the medical staff are horrible and referred to one who asked her last time if she wanted a dead baby on her conscience, after she refused medical advice to have an elective C section. I made reassuring comments. She also said that she might not tell anyone when she went into labour as she didn't want to worry anyone, such as SIL's grandparents (last time she sent me messages before the birth and we spoke afterwards).

We then had a discussion about Ireland. They have run into some problems to do with the Forestry/Agricultural Commission which are preventing them from obtaining a felling licence and flock number, which they need to purchase animals. It seems that not all of the land has been conveyed to them and they have fallen out with the solicitor, whom they feel has been negligent. SIL spent a long time composing a letter and was angry when he only received a brief reply from the solicitor.

Anyway, after all that, I said that I and her sisters were looking forward to seeing the baby, especially after not seeing DGD1 as a baby, and DGD2 because of lockdown. She went a bit quiet and was non committal just saying Mmm, we'll see, I need to have the baby first. I pressed the point and she said 'SIL is my husband'. I said 'Yes, I know'. She said that I had tried to make her feel guilty over her treatment of DH and that she didn't feel guilty. She repeated this and then said that I had said that I was going to write SIL a letter in the summer and that it might now be too late. I was genuinely taken aback by this.

For context, before I visited in the summer, we had a heated conversation where I said that she had hurt DH (and me) by not telling him about the birth of DGD1 for 14 months or her marriage and by moving without telling us. I admit I was angry as I felt that DH had been cheated of precious time with his granddaughter, although I said that I knew she hadn't known that he was going to die. I said that I thought that she had been emotionally abusive in 'ghosting' us and I didn't want to form an attachment to my DGCs if there was a risk of it happening again. It would just be too painful. It made me afraid of loving them as I would wish to. DD1 had referred then to the incident, some years before, where I had made SIL leave my house (they weren't married then), as I felt he was bullying her. I said that it was all a long time ago and that 'Dad didn't do anything wrong, did he?', to which she replied 'No'. She said that SIL had told her not to be in contact.

I subsequently said, in another conversation, that I had been angry, but that I wasn't any longer, and that it would be nice if we could go out to lunch together, just the two of us, when I visited, and to start rebuilding our relationship. I duly visited, had what I thought was a very pleasant day with the family at a local attraction, then lunch with DD1 then next day. I said I thought that the previous day had gone well and she said that SIL had told her that he did not want me to visit too often (this was the first time I had visited since DH's funeral). I said that I was sorry to hear this and was there some way of resolving matters; that the 'incident' was all a long time ago, that it was time to move on, and that DH's death put disagreements into context. She said maybe I should say that to SIL and it was him I should be taking out or talking to. I said I would be happy to talk to him, but I doubted that he would want to go out with me, maybe I should write him a letter. So I floated the idea of a letter in a private conversation with DD1, but did not say that I was definitely going to write one and, upon reflection, I thought that it might be too much of a hostage to fortune.

During this lunch, which was mostly pleasant, and focusing on neutral topics, DD1 repeated again that she had cut us off because SIL had told her to, that she had had to choose and would always choose SIL. I said that I had made SIL leave my house on that occasion because I was trying to protect her, especially given her previous abusive relationship. She said she had not told SIL about this ie the previous relationship and she was not sure if she would behave in the same way as I did. She said she appreciated that I did not know that she would marry SIL at the time. I said that I understood that, in the final analysis, she would and should put her family first, but I thought she should also have some loyalty to her original family. After that, we returned to everyday topics and I thought we had both had a pleasant lunch, 'cleared the air', and that we were moving forward in rebuilding our relationship. However, it seems I was wrong.

When we returned to the house after lunch (for me to call a taxi back to the hotel), SIL went off to his workshop without speaking to me or saying goodbye. I went to the workshop and said goodbye and gave him a hug. I found it a gruelling trip without DH but went away thinking it had gone well.

Anyway, back to the present, I was blindsided by DD1's comments in the conversation to the effect that I should have written a letter and that it might be 'too late'. I said what did she think I should say in the letter. I said that it was all so long ago, that I had apologised to SIL, that we had met since then at DD1's 21st, that he had said we were 'ok'.DD1 said she didn't want anything that would upset her after the birth. I said that I would never do anything to upset her after the birth. I said that I was nice to SIL, praised him for his DIY skills and as a father, that I behaved in a civilised fashion, sent him cards and gifts, what more could I do, I couldn't make him like me. At this stage DD1 was clearly agitated and said she had to go and that she would speak to me another time. I said 'Alright darling, good bye'.

So I feel both devastated and empty at the same time. I had thought, after the most hellish two years, when I had to watch my beloved DH die and then lose his aunt, whom I was close to. When, more recently, my MIL nearly died, my sister in law has had major surgery, and I have lost one of my closest friends (the funeral is this week), I had thought that I had just about survived. I keep giving myself a talking to, saying come on, just one more step forward, nearly there, nearly the end of the year. And now this.

I apologise for the length of this post, but I would be grateful for any advice as to how handle the situation. Part of just feels like giving up, but I obviously don't want to lose DD1 again, and I am worried about the birth of DGS and would have wanted to be a support, not an aggravating factor.

I think you've identified an important mitigation strategy, i.e. that Facetime calls on significant days should be done as a group, to reduce the risk of her going off on one but more importantly to reduce the impact on you if she does. That's great to read - a really important step forward in prioritising your own mental and physical health.

All we can hope is that DD1 and the baby make it through these next few weeks, but just as last time she is the one making dangerous choices. Fortunately for her, she is making those choices in a country (whether UK or Ireland, I believe she is in the UK) where the risks are much better mitigated, but are not zero.

I do completely understand that you can’t break all contact with your dd. When I say you need to detach I mean keep your heart more protected, put less of yourself out there, emotionally, and be frank and straightforward rather than pussy footing around. As you say, she is nearly thirty , properly adult, not a girl any more.
I really hope that the day will come when she wants to leave this ghastly, abusive man.
Are her sisters honest with her ?

Hi Chopin.
Glad you were able you enjoy your Christmas Day . Pleased also that your communication with DD1 didn’t upset you further .
I didn’t see the deleted post but just wanted to say that by posting about your situation and getting so many amazing supportive replies from all the knowledge people on here you will have most likely helped many others . You’ve certainly helped me as whilst in a very similar position to you I’vr never the courage to start my own thread. X

I

@Whatsdamatta Not two nasty posts at all. Who are you to say? I didn't mean it to be cruel. Chopin is gracious, as gracious a person as can be, very evident. But 2 other girls are missing out here with the headspace that has to be taken up with someone who is just nasty to her. I have seen it in my own family and after years of similar shit, the cord was cut and he never came back, but it is entirely his choice and now everyone is free to move on and he still knows the door is open.

However, given her previous pregnancies and failure to take medical advice, I cannot be entirely detached or sanguine that her health, possibly even her life, and that of her unborn baby, may be at risk. I want her to be ok, I want the baby to be ok, that's all,

@Chopinandchampagne, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to get in touch with prominent individuals in the caring professions in your DD's locality in Ireland - RC parish priest, principal of local National School (= primary school), and local HSE offices/ local nursing service to report the existence of your DD and family and their location, so that they will not be able to fly under the radar. I should say - so that this awful and probably deeply disturbed man will not be able to keep them completely isolated and completely at his mercy.

The small children and the baby will not surface officially until they get to school otherwise, that is if they are not 'home educated'.

Detaching is very much treating her as a distant relative- polite, welcoming but not trusted and in the inner circle.

It's about removing her power to hurt you.

Of course you want DD1 and the baby to be ok, no one wishes a bad outcome ever. It's heartbreaking that she will ignore medical advice.

I always went way over due and the "don't ever get induced mine was fine at 44 weeks" brigade so piss me off. Induction by 42 weeks is one of the reasons death rates have reduced. I waited until 42+3 with my 2nd still didn't go into labour, increase risks from grade 3 meconium and I was so unwell afterwards. With the next 2 I stuck at 42 weeks which was still beyond standard procedure but healthy baby came before "perfect birth". I also didn't want to risk an 11 pounder 🤣

OP I read this and your previous thread with mounting unease as your situation is very much like the one my parents and I have had with my brother and dreadful sister in law over the last 20 years.

The incidents are too numerous to go into but very much focus on my SILs coercive and controlling behaviour and my brother's inability to stand up for himself and recognise his wife for what she is.

Their actions actually made my elderly parents ill to the point where they were forced to stop contact with them both as have I.

At times it has been incredibly painful seeing my parents go through this as they dearly love my brother but something had to give eventually.

I hope you are able to reconcile but please step back and distance yourself from the pair of them.

We learnt the hard way that the more we tried to help my brother emotionally and financially the worse my SIL would behave. In all honesty I am afraid of her.

@mathanxiety

However, given her previous pregnancies and failure to take medical advice, I cannot be entirely detached or sanguine that her health, possibly even her life, and that of her unborn baby, may be at risk. I want her to be ok, I want the baby to be ok, that's all,

@Chopinandchampagne, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE try to get in touch with prominent individuals in the caring professions in your DD's locality in Ireland - RC parish priest, principal of local National School (= primary school), and local HSE offices/ local nursing service to report the existence of your DD and family and their location, so that they will not be able to fly under the radar. I should say - so that this awful and probably deeply disturbed man will not be able to keep them completely isolated and completely at his mercy.

The small children and the baby will not surface officially until they get to school otherwise, that is if they are not 'home educated'.

I also agree with this. Very vulnerable family if they stay under the radar.

@Changelingbutonlyforme

OP, ignore the poster who says your wasting countless people’s time. This is a free anonymous internet forum. No one is obliged to give you advice and you’re not obliged to follow any of it. If posters get frustrated because you aren’t reacting the way they would, or the way they think you should, or as fast as they would like, that’s not your problem. You don’t owe anyone a satisfying narrative here.

This should be pinned at the top of every post, to remind certain readers that these are not here for their entertainment.

OP, I wish you well in this emotional situation. You deserve peace, love and grace from everyone around you.

Excellent advice from @mathanxiety.
LB isolating his family in rural Ireland is worrying. That's why I asked were they in the UK or Ireland.
With Covid19 ongoing after having the baby, DD1 and baby could fall through the cracks and there might be no follow up checks.
It would be no harm to have the local Garda ( Irish Police ) station phone number to hand - check their opening hours - sadly many cuts have been made to Garda resources since the 2008 recession and Garda stations operate shorter opening hours and some local stations have closed, meaning calls are processed through the nearest big town and there is less local knowledge.

You can report child protection concerns via the Tusla portal.

Sending you support Chopin. I've read through all your threads. Please look after yourself.

Agree with those above your grandchildren not being on any systems in Ireland if they are home schooled.
If you were to contact child services Tusla, just be aware full disclosure can be used. I referred a child to Tusla and Tusla told the child's mother who called them, I.e me.
This could and would make things 100% worse for you and your relationship with your daughter.
Sending you hugs and
Have a lovely new year with your other daughters.
Taz

@tazzy73

Sending you support Chopin. I've read through all your threads. Please look after yourself.

Agree with those above your grandchildren not being on any systems in Ireland if they are home schooled.
If you were to contact child services Tusla, just be aware full disclosure can be used. I referred a child to Tusla and Tusla told the child's mother who called them, I.e me.
This could and would make things 100% worse for you and your relationship with your daughter.
Sending you hugs and
Have a lovely new year with your other daughters.
Taz

Oh my that would make things so much worse, is there not a way it could be done anonymously?

Although in all honesty dd is so isolated now the only one left that would care enough to do it would be chopin

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the latest messages and for all of the advice last year, as well as wishing you all a very happy new year.

I am sorry at the delay in replying, but I took the advice of those who, throughout the thread, have suggested that whilst so much headspace has been taken up by DD1, I might be shortchanging DD2 and DD3. I don't think that I have been but, in accordance with my new year's resolution to step back and be more detached, I though I should also step back from this thread for a few days and focus on DD2 and DD3. I am pleased to say that we have had a very happy, if quiet, few days. DD2's boyfriend also came to stay and continues to impress me with his kindness and obvious care for DD2.

Changelingbutonlyforme - thank you for your comment, you made me feel much better, as I did sense that I was sinking into self pity and trying people's patience. But, as you say, they don't need to read the thread, they can just ignore it, if I am getting on their nerves .

LorthernNights - I am delighted that my thread has helped you and it would be wonderful if it had also helped others. As you say, the support - and the wisdom - have been amazing. There were times when I think that my friends on here have kept me sane (just about!).

ESGdance - thank you again for your support on this and previous threads. You have quite literally been a lifeline to me! I have now adopted, as a sort of mantra/'modus operandi', your brilliant suggestion of not going into the cage to fight the rats, but placing them on a high shelf. Just thinking that makes me smile and feel more in control. Thank you!

To those who have asked, DD is in the UK to have the baby, so I imagine that she will go back as soon as possible after the birth, but this will be later if she has another C section, as it is a 10 hour drive. I spoke to her yesterday, to wish her a happy new year. She looked very pale and tired and is clearly very anxious about the birth. She is waiting to have a midwife appointment, although she said nobody had been in contact with her. She was meant to see the consultant last week, but apparently he wasn't there in the end. She has been advised that they will not induce this time, because of the risks, and she won't agree to an elective C section, so it really is in the lap of the gods.

I wish DD were as sensible as you RandomMess, but she seems determined not to take medical advice. She was still saying yesterday that the medical staff are just looking for problems and are not to be trusted.

Sallycinnamum - thank you for your supportive post and I am sorry to hear about the problems in your family and the effects on you and your parents. It is heart-breaking isn't it, and can break the strongest of people. I am now actively stepping back mentally now and my perspective is much clearer, as though I am observing myself from a distance.

For this of you who have mentioned the DGC being at risk, I don't actually have any concerns about this. My DD is an excellent and loving mother and the DGC are well cared for. I would also be very concerned at her finding out, if I were to contact any of the Irish authorities, which would almost certainly be the end of any relationship for the foreseeable future. I think that I am potentially more of a support to DD, if she is in contact with me.

What troubles me is that she looks so run down and tired wonder how she will cope with three DC under the age of four, and no support. Also, if something were to go wrong with this pregnancy, I fear that it would be too much for her to cope with. She seems very fragile at present.

Having said that, although I have no doubt that the DGDs are fine, I have noticed that they are never on the FaceTime calls any more. DD seems to have opted to go into a separate room to talk to me, I'm not sure why, so I haven't actually seen the DGDs for many weeks.

Wishing you all a happy and peaceful weekend.

@Chopinandchampagne I'm glad you feel in a better frame of mind.
Your style of writing on Mumsnet is very distinctive. Very cultured and well mannered.

I think the reason why Irish posters on here are concerned is that, in recent years, there have been a small few, but notable cases, in the Irish media of families who have come from Britain, lived a little "off grid", where the father (and sometimes the mother) have terrorised / abused their children and the court cases that ensued.
The reports were harrowing. And memorable. Hence the concern.
A domineering father. A compliant wife.

Yes, as LadyEloise says, a domineering father and compliant wife is a dangerous combination, and my worry. I know Chopin that your dd is devoted to her children and a caring mother, but very small children are easy to control. As they get older, and they are all at home with nobody checking on them it is more of a worry. How will LB react to teenagers who defy him ?
That is obviously some time away, but the total distrust of doctors also rings alarm bells for me. It is a very precarious situation, in which the children might be fine now, fed , loved and cared for by your dd, but if something goes wrong, if she isn’t well or a child isn’t compliant, then LB may react very badly. Growing up with a paranoid, narcissistic and hyper controlling man as a father is very bad, and older children may well try to get away from him.
I imagine you have thought of all this though, and this is also part of why you are keeping the door open.
Do her sisters worry about her ? How do they feel about LB now ?I wonder what their perspective is, as obviously they don’t have the responsibility towards dd that you feel.
I hope that this birth goes well, and that you get to see your new baby grandchild soon.

I wonder whether the absence of the children on video calls lately is related to LB saying he didn't want you to see the new baby. You are currently in another phase of being a bad influence (haven't stumped up any cash lately or been sufficiently grovelling) so he has decreed that you don't get to see any of the kids, and your DD is complying with that but still speaking to you herself. Of course if you ask about it that will be further proof that you are trying to exert some kind of malign influence on them, which LB will seize on. So I wouldn't mention it and just keep talking with your daughter.

Happy new year Chopin, all strength to you and keep on keeping on.

I think the problem long term is that, even if she is a good and loving mother, she can't protect them from the malign and destructive influence of living with someone like LB. But there isn't much you can really do at the moment. But nobody escaped unscathed from living with a narcissist.

escapes

I am glad that you were able to have some warmth and loving times with you DDs at the end of an excruciating year for you all.

I hope the raw pain of your losses will be more comfortable to bear in 2022.

I am sure that the next few weeks waiting for the baby to be born safely will be very fraught for you especially as you won’t be allowed to physically or really emotionally support your DD without it backfiring on you both.

Wishing you the extra strength and focus over needed to steady you through these weeks.

I have today read through your threads and you are clearly a very loving mother who cares about your daughters wellbeing.

Keeping your door open may one day be the place she chooses to escape.

Happy New Year Chopin. You are very gracious in your replies and I can see that you have more clarity in you thinking. It is difficult to separate feelings from thoughts especially when you have gone through a long traumatic event,

Your anxiety about DD1 and 3grandchilds survival is understandable. Must be so so difficult not to scream "listen to the antenatal team!!"
Just to clarify -Has she had 2 emergency sections? Why is she she so against having an elective Caesarian?
Who is looking after the Dgds when she is in labour ? I assume you are not allowed to do that? 😞

You DD has clearly never absorbed the old adage never look a gift horse in the mouth. While I don't think any hostility is required in response - because you know it will be used as ammunition against you, I do think you could simply say sorry she is disappointed and you won't (not can't) refund as it's not worth paying the postage required. The advice to donate to a refuge is a brilliant idea and no one could argue with that as being a useful solution.

To manage their expectations and give yourself some space moving forward I would suggest something along the lines of...

I have been thinking about how best to support all of my DC in my will following DH's passing.

I have decided that I will divide my estate equally between my DC and that any childless DC will receive their portion.

Any DC with their own DC the inheritance will be put into trust for the DGC to receive upon reaching (what ever age).

I really want to be able to support DGC's education and setting up their lives as I have done with all of you and I am sure that you will agree that this is the best approach (No one could argue with their DC receiving an inheritance).

I would like to leave some personal items to DC, please let me know if you have a preference for any item in particular. The rest of my furniture and belongings will be sold as part of the estate and shared as stated above.

Hopefully this will let you know where you actually stand with your DD. If they are manipulating/guilting you for money ongoing it would be fair to say 'darling DC you have made your own choices and you are an independent woman. I'm not dead yet and what money I have now may be required for my care when I am elderly especially as you live so remotely and we rarely see each other. We are also very different people as you have already pointed out and I'm not sure I could cope with your lifestyle'.

Your DD may be relieved to know her DH will not have a hold on her inheritance (if she is passively being abused). If she reacts badly to the above you could very well say - well what did you expect you are hostile to any gifts I send, you have separated me intentionally from DGC. It's really not normal to not tell a parent about a DGC for for 14 months. Shall we reset our relationship and try again?

Good luck OP you would like a very considerate and loving parent. This does not give DC licence to punish you for their own ends though

OP I have been following your posts for a while. I'm so sorry you are going through all this. I did have a strained relationship with my Mum when I was with my abusive partner. The ex in laws were seen as the good ones. Gifting was done through gritted teeth for some reason. My ex made me homeless with my kids and I had to move in with Mum. Mum and I now have a great relationship. I've got a really nice partner who loves my family. I'm so lucky he had an affair and I got away. I hope your daughter manages to find her way back to herself.

Thank you everyone for your posts and new year messages.

LadyEloise1 and SirVixofVix Hall - I appreciate your concerns which, of course, I share. It worries me greatly that DD will be so isolated, cut off from any friends or support network. At least where she is now (she is staying at their original house until after the birth), she is in a village, with neighbours and has one friend who lives there, another mother with DDs of a similar age, whom she meets with the DGDs. She also has her PIL nearby who have, in the past, helped out when necessary and generally been supportive. All of that will go when she moves permanently to rural Ireland.

However, I don't really see what I can do, apart from try my best to keep channels of communication open. I worry that when her mobile 'phone contract runs out, LB will pressurise her not to waste any data on me, if they are paying for it. I am one of the very few people whom DD currently has any contact with, apart from LB, who is with her 24/7, so she never gets another perspective, apart from his. She has, in my opinion, quite literally been 'brain washed'. It has taken time, but now she is completely dominated by him or, at least, that is my impression.

Take this latest situation, LB has apparently decreed that I won't be allowed to see the baby, and she is clearly upset by this, but afraid to object or insist as, if she does, he will make her life uncomfortable. She said that she can't cope with the stress. She knows that this will upset me, especially as I am still grieving DH, and she had reassured me that there was 'new life' on the way. She had also previously said that she wanted to 'share' the DGDs and, at one stage, I was being inundated with photos, videos, and FaceTimes. When she was expecting DGD2, she kept telling me how big the baby was, comparing her with various fruits etc, clearly excited to share the joys of her pregnancy with me. This has now dried up and, whereas it could be because she is just too tired to communicate, I think that there is more to it.

It may be that LB is still after revenge for my making him leave my house, nearly 7 years ago now. I suspect that he would love it if I were to travel hundreds of miles and turn up to see the baby, so that he could have the pleasure of throwing me out. All of which would upset my DD, so I am determined not to make an issue of it. Of course, I would love to see DD and the baby, like any normal mother/grandmother, but nothing is ever normal where LB is concerned. The smallest thing may be misinterpreted as a slight and everything, even gifts, are used against me, and potentially might become a big issue. The way I am currently dealing with it is to say to myself that I must think of DD first, who is clearly anxious right now, and try to put my own feelings to one side. I imagine a long, cold journey, on my own, without DH, staying in a hotel, on my own, without DH, and a long, cold journey back. For what? Half an hour with DD and the baby, with LB supervising closely, made to feel uncomfortable and unwanted.

Don't get me wrong, I would still go, in a heartbeat, if DD wanted me to, but this is how I present it to myself, to minimise the pain. I think I might just say that I am afraid of visiting, as I don't want to risk them catching Covid, as they are not vaccinated, and I have been out and about in London (which is also true). That way I prevent any drama, even if I ca't see DD and baby. Goodness knows when I will see her again, when she has moved to Ireland.

I also suspect that LB doesn't want me to know too much about the problems in Ireland, relating to the property. As advised up thread, they were determined to buy the property, as soon as possible, and didn't want any searches carried out, as well as refusing my offer of paying for a survey. The transaction proceeded at great speed, so I suspect that the solicitor, on their specific instructions, did not carry out the usual searches and, now that there is a problem with the land/title, they are seeking to blame her. I was a solicitor, prior to retirement, so I have a good idea how these things work. LB is very displeased with a letter which he picked up form the solicitor at the new property (apparently he recently made a solo trip to deliver more items). DD says that the solicitor has 'gone AWOL'. I didn't say anything, apart from listening sympathetically, but drew my own conclusions. I don't know the exact details but, from what DD said, it would explain why the previous buyers pulled out, and would mean that the property, upon which DD spent her whole inheritance, is probably currently unsaleable.

SirVix - DD2 and DD3 very rarely speak of DD1. DD2 is happy to exchange the occasional text message at Christmas or birthdays, but doesn't let it occupy her headspace. She and DD1 used to be very close, as they are near in age, and she was extremely hurt by DD1's treatment of her. She has now, I believe, come to terms with it all, as best she can, and this is her way of dealing with the situation. I think that she would be open to some sort of a relationship with DD1, but it will never be what it was. DD3 doesn't really want to know. They both wish DD1 well and I know that they would have loved a relationship with the DGDs, but it was sadly not to be, maybe in the future - there is always hope....

GooseberryJam - that is wise advise about not making a fuss about not seeing the DGDs, but to focus on DD1 when I speak to her. In some ways, I prefer it, as we can have a better conversation, although I do miss seeing the little ones, of course.

OrangeBlossomsinthesun, ESGdance, WeeHaggisFace (wonderful user name!), and SecretDoor - thank you for your lovely supportive posts.

Sidehustle99 - you raise some interesting points. I have thought a lot about my will since DH died - it has made me very aware of my own mortality, and I don't want my DC to have a mess to deal with when I die. I am trying to sort out my affairs, which are quite complicated, and I want all of my DDs to be secure. That is part of my thinking in helping DD2 to buy a house. I also intend to ensure that DD3 is well provided for, as she has autism, and will need a bit of extra help. It is all subject to a will trust, recently drawn up, of which DD2 and DD3 are the executors, along with my solicitor. I am also having POAs drawn up.

It is difficult with DD1. I don't want to exclude her and she may need financial help one day. She and the DGC are currently included, but with a share going direct to the DGC. What I want to avoid is any of the money going to LB, if something were to happen to DD1 or if they were to separate. Even if they were still together, he would still take over any inheritance monies, as has been recently proved. I am still thinking about this, especially since the latest developments. Somebody up thread suggested that I had the power because I have the money, and it is certainly true that LB would not be weeping at my grave, but would probably be dancing on it if he thought there were something to his financial benefit - in which case I will be buried at sea .

I floated the idea on a previous thread of excluding any beneficiaries whom I had not seen during the previous six month period prior to my death, but most posters thought that was a bad idea. I think the problem is that the relationship would then become overtly transactional, which I am keen to avoid, as it could lead to more demands for financial assistance. I would also never know if any contact or affection were real or contrived, which would be potentially upsetting.

ThackeryBinks - thank you for your post. Messages like this give me some hope for the future, albeit maybe the distant future. Maybe there will be some attractive Irish girls in the village, who will catch LB's eye. The trouble is, I suspect that DD may well just forgive LB if he had an affair, their lives are so totally enmeshed and she is so dependent on him. I wouldn't put it past LB actually. I remember when I first met him, how he looked me over, in an assessing way, not the respectful way that other of DDs' boyfriends have looked at me. It might have been my imagination, but it did make me feel uncomfortable.

Sorry, this ia another long post!