I don't think I will be allowed to see my new grandchild.

[Chopinandchampagne]

Some of you may remember my previous threads regarding my relationship with my daughter and SIL.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4145356-SIL-and-money-issues?msgid=109152806#109152806

It has been a difficult year, following the death of DH, with lots of firsts to get through, but I have just about survived, with a lot of support from DD2 and DD3, DH's family and friends. And, earlier in the year, DD1 told me she was expecting DGS1 in early January. This time she told me very shortly after the pregnancy was confirmed, and was clearly thrilled saying that 'new life' was coming after DH's death. She was delighted to find out that the baby is a boy, as SIL particularly wanted a son, after two daughters.

I had thought that, if there were any positives from DH's death - and it is hard to think of any, as I loved him so much - the family might be reconciled and healed. And I was very happy to hear about the baby, although a bit concerned, given the two previous emergency C sections (although I kept my concerns to myself).

DD1 has now moved to Ireland, having purchased a small holding with her inheritance from DH's aunt, as DH drafted his aunt's will so that his share would go to his DC if he were to predecease her. DD1 had sent me photos of the new property, says how much they love it over there, it feels 'so right' etc. They went for about a month and have now returned to the UK for the birth. I thought all was fine with my relationship with DD1, we were having natural conversations, FaceTimes with DGD1 and DGD2, ending conversations with 'I love you; etc.

I had enjoyed picking out some Christmas presents, which I thought they would enjoy. With the DGDs, I have sent presents which I knew they would appreciate, for DD1 some cashmere hat, gloves, scarf etc, and socks for baby, as I know it will be cold on the small holding, but also a food hamper, chocolates and candles sent jointly to DD1 and SIL, saying with love from Mum etc.

I spoke to DD1 on Friday and I could tell that there was something wrong, as she seemed more tense, less relaxed. She started by saying that she thought I should claim a refund for the hamper, that I had wasted my money, as the ham was too dry and not as good as supermarket ham. I thanked her for letting me know and said I would do so. She said the chocolates had too many additives, so they couldn't eat them (I had chosen dairy and soy free ones, as DGD1 had an allergy to dairy), so I said fine, just regift or donate them. They are generally happy with the DGC's toys, although I shouldn't send anything else. I said I understood, and was conscious that they wouldn't want too much stuff to take back to Ireland.

Then I asked her about how she was feeling and how the 36 week scan had gone. It seems that the baby is small (10th percentile), although appears healthy, but she is very worried about the birth, which is understandable, given the history. She wants a natural birth and is terrified of intervention. She thinks some of the medical staff are horrible and referred to one who asked her last time if she wanted a dead baby on her conscience, after she refused medical advice to have an elective C section. I made reassuring comments. She also said that she might not tell anyone when she went into labour as she didn't want to worry anyone, such as SIL's grandparents (last time she sent me messages before the birth and we spoke afterwards).

We then had a discussion about Ireland. They have run into some problems to do with the Forestry/Agricultural Commission which are preventing them from obtaining a felling licence and flock number, which they need to purchase animals. It seems that not all of the land has been conveyed to them and they have fallen out with the solicitor, whom they feel has been negligent. SIL spent a long time composing a letter and was angry when he only received a brief reply from the solicitor.

Anyway, after all that, I said that I and her sisters were looking forward to seeing the baby, especially after not seeing DGD1 as a baby, and DGD2 because of lockdown. She went a bit quiet and was non committal just saying Mmm, we'll see, I need to have the baby first. I pressed the point and she said 'SIL is my husband'. I said 'Yes, I know'. She said that I had tried to make her feel guilty over her treatment of DH and that she didn't feel guilty. She repeated this and then said that I had said that I was going to write SIL a letter in the summer and that it might now be too late. I was genuinely taken aback by this.

For context, before I visited in the summer, we had a heated conversation where I said that she had hurt DH (and me) by not telling him about the birth of DGD1 for 14 months or her marriage and by moving without telling us. I admit I was angry as I felt that DH had been cheated of precious time with his granddaughter, although I said that I knew she hadn't known that he was going to die. I said that I thought that she had been emotionally abusive in 'ghosting' us and I didn't want to form an attachment to my DGCs if there was a risk of it happening again. It would just be too painful. It made me afraid of loving them as I would wish to. DD1 had referred then to the incident, some years before, where I had made SIL leave my house (they weren't married then), as I felt he was bullying her. I said that it was all a long time ago and that 'Dad didn't do anything wrong, did he?', to which she replied 'No'. She said that SIL had told her not to be in contact.

I subsequently said, in another conversation, that I had been angry, but that I wasn't any longer, and that it would be nice if we could go out to lunch together, just the two of us, when I visited, and to start rebuilding our relationship. I duly visited, had what I thought was a very pleasant day with the family at a local attraction, then lunch with DD1 then next day. I said I thought that the previous day had gone well and she said that SIL had told her that he did not want me to visit too often (this was the first time I had visited since DH's funeral). I said that I was sorry to hear this and was there some way of resolving matters; that the 'incident' was all a long time ago, that it was time to move on, and that DH's death put disagreements into context. She said maybe I should say that to SIL and it was him I should be taking out or talking to. I said I would be happy to talk to him, but I doubted that he would want to go out with me, maybe I should write him a letter. So I floated the idea of a letter in a private conversation with DD1, but did not say that I was definitely going to write one and, upon reflection, I thought that it might be too much of a hostage to fortune.

During this lunch, which was mostly pleasant, and focusing on neutral topics, DD1 repeated again that she had cut us off because SIL had told her to, that she had had to choose and would always choose SIL. I said that I had made SIL leave my house on that occasion because I was trying to protect her, especially given her previous abusive relationship. She said she had not told SIL about this ie the previous relationship and she was not sure if she would behave in the same way as I did. She said she appreciated that I did not know that she would marry SIL at the time. I said that I understood that, in the final analysis, she would and should put her family first, but I thought she should also have some loyalty to her original family. After that, we returned to everyday topics and I thought we had both had a pleasant lunch, 'cleared the air', and that we were moving forward in rebuilding our relationship. However, it seems I was wrong.

When we returned to the house after lunch (for me to call a taxi back to the hotel), SIL went off to his workshop without speaking to me or saying goodbye. I went to the workshop and said goodbye and gave him a hug. I found it a gruelling trip without DH but went away thinking it had gone well.

Anyway, back to the present, I was blindsided by DD1's comments in the conversation to the effect that I should have written a letter and that it might be 'too late'. I said what did she think I should say in the letter. I said that it was all so long ago, that I had apologised to SIL, that we had met since then at DD1's 21st, that he had said we were 'ok'.DD1 said she didn't want anything that would upset her after the birth. I said that I would never do anything to upset her after the birth. I said that I was nice to SIL, praised him for his DIY skills and as a father, that I behaved in a civilised fashion, sent him cards and gifts, what more could I do, I couldn't make him like me. At this stage DD1 was clearly agitated and said she had to go and that she would speak to me another time. I said 'Alright darling, good bye'.

So I feel both devastated and empty at the same time. I had thought, after the most hellish two years, when I had to watch my beloved DH die and then lose his aunt, whom I was close to. When, more recently, my MIL nearly died, my sister in law has had major surgery, and I have lost one of my closest friends (the funeral is this week), I had thought that I had just about survived. I keep giving myself a talking to, saying come on, just one more step forward, nearly there, nearly the end of the year. And now this.

I apologise for the length of this post, but I would be grateful for any advice as to how handle the situation. Part of just feels like giving up, but I obviously don't want to lose DD1 again, and I am worried about the birth of DGS and would have wanted to be a support, not an aggravating factor.

Unfortunately your response will be misconstrued - you’ve pointedly said you love DD and DGC, it seems a deliberate omission of SiL which he’ll immediately highlight to DD. You’ve come across as trite about expensive gifts - when they’ve been angry before about ‘luxury’ items. You are such a caring person and they’re abusing you. Be direct, be harsh and be unavailable

I am so sorry ESGdance and others, I feel that I have let you all, and myself, down. You spend all of your precious time advising me and I think that I have done the right thing, and then I realise that I have messed up, yet again. And the thing is, I can see myself doing it, almost as though I am detached, that my limbs are jerking uncontrollably, not responding to my brain. I feel such a fool, a helpless fool. And I always thought of myself as a strong person.

But the loss of DH has taken my foundations away. I don't know who I am anymore, I am just floundering around, trying to swim for a shore which I cannot see, just trying to survive from day to day. And just when I think I am doing ok, that there might be a glimpse of land, I am struck back again by a tidal wave, and knocked over, drowning, drowning.

ESGdance - you are so kind and patient to keep encouraging me. I knew that this week would be hard because of seeing close friends of mine and DH in a place which was familiar to us. But most of all because of the funeral tomorrow which, as you rightly surmise, I am dreading, although there is no way I would not go. She was such a dear friend, such a kind person, she even sent flowers on the anniversary of DH's death, with a lovely card, just two weeks before her own death. Everything I touch seems to turn to dust at present.

I kept thinking, I am almost there, just a couple more things to get through, then it will be the end of the year, I will have survived the year and all the firsts and the despair of being without DH. And I am summoning up those last dregs of strength when DD turns on me, kicks me, brings back all of the pain of the past, the separation, the concealment of DGD1, the horrible letters and emails, which were even worse than the silence, and another DGC whom I may likely never see, a child with my darling DH's genes. And I wonder how they can be so unfeeling and cruel. And I don't want to give up hope, because then I must face the reality, and that is unbearable, but bear it I must and I will.

I am sorry, my friends, to be melodramatic, but I am not coping well at present. I have wild mood swings. I was fine this morning, but now I'm not so fine. But I will be soon. Thank you for your support. I know I am a work in progress but I think I am a bit more self aware now, that I can see the process and recognise it, even as it is happening to me, and hopefully knowledge is the first step forward to a better future.

@BorsetshireBanality

Criminal lawyers often advise their clients to respond “no comment” to the Police.

The mumsnet vipers collective are advising you to go “low comment” - say/write as little as possible, no explanations, no justifications, just bland “grey rock” responses!

Here's a rule I would suggest you adopt, OP. Three sentences maximum in any message you send to your DD. If possible, less. But tell yourself from now on that's the rule you will stick to, no matter what the topic or what question she asks you. Everything needs to be brief, breezy, gotta go so bye for now.

Trust me, if you do this consistently for a while, it will get you somewhere.

I'm so sorry @Chopinandchampagne. It's so very hard. I have a person with a PD in my family, my mother (seems to fit histrionic narcissim) and I recognise a lot of the behaviour and the tendency to be a caretaker and a rescuer. It's so painful.
The only solution for me was no contact and it's been hard.
Please be kind to yourself and try to see this as the point you step back. A turning point.

Here's a rule I would suggest you adopt, OP. Three sentences maximum in any message you send to your DD. If possible, less. But tell yourself from now on that's the rule you will stick to, no matter what the topic or what question she asks you. Everything needs to be brief, breezy, gotta go so bye for now. this is a great suggestion because it makes it simpler.
"Sorry to hear that, feel free to give them away. Hope you are well, must run."
The key is not to engage.

I totally agree that, like a junkie, she needs to hit rock bottom and see her life for hat it is. You can't mae her see it by the power of your love and kindness, you're just shielding her from the reality she needs to see.

"I am so sorry ESGdance and others, I feel that I have let you all, and myself, down."

No!

It's easy to give advice.

You are listening & taking things on board.

People are saying harsh things about your daughter & I think a lot of people would have left the thread a long time ago!

You have your way of doing things & it must be hard to change from conciliatory to blunt.

You have NOT let yourself down! Replies may seem harsh but that’s because we can see it from a distance and it’s so much harder when you’re in the midst of it. You need to protect yourself and look after yourself - I think that’s we’re all trying (in our different ways) to say

I have read all of this thread and your previous linked thread and almost feel compelled to post for the first time on your thread.

Your grief and upset is utterly palpable and all perfectly understandable as you are coping with so much.

But ESGdance is correct in summing it all up. The more you engage in it all, the more drama and fuel to the fire it creates. This is not a situation that you can logically navigate as you would other things.

But as a mother it's very hard to step back but step back you really do need to do as the current approach is not working and it's frankly making your own mental health even worse.

Your daughter sounds highly self absorbed and is obviously controlled by her awful husband. But you cannot do anything about this and her choices. Nada, nothing. These are her choices to make however much they are wrong choices etc.

You enter into their power play games, then you feel kicked which you are and at a time when you are overwhelmed with your own grief. Plus this then brings all the past back up to the surface.

Somehow, someway you are literally going to have to make peace with the past and the fact that she got married and concealed her first child. You cannot unspill the milk that has already been spilt.

They are both still young. They will obviously continue with their deluded plans with or without your blessing or agreement. All you can hope is that with the passage of time the appeal of living that type of life will wane - both with age and circumstance. It may take a while, it may take 10 years, who knows? When the children get older and are not as adaptable they will want things that other children have and it will all become far more apparent that living this off grid type of life in your 40s with teenagers is not some hippy dream.

I would imagine that the day will come for your daughter, but she has to navigate her life until then. Yes you need to let her know that you love her etc but you need to step way, way back and take away the fuel that is constantly feeding this fire.

Somebody mentioned a good approach here. Treat her like you would an employee with politeness but a certain amount of distance.

But stop going into the boxing ring to try and win a fight that you simply cannot win. Step out of the ring, still maintain an interest in "boxing" but more as a spectator.

Accept that LB doesn't like you, just as you don't like him. You are never going to like him (and frankly who bloody would) and he is never going to like you or forget some of the things that you have voiced about him.

You have two other daughters, good friends, and a new way of life that you are trying to navigate for yourself. Try so hard to focus on these to gain some strength going forward.

Your daughter needs to be left to her own devices at least for a while now. The only way that she will ever see LB for what he is, is if she is simply left to do so.

Having read back to your linked thread you yourself stated that your daughter could be very self absorbed. Every single one of your posts confirms this to be the case. She is also married to another person with huge personality disorders. Let them get on with it as realistically you have no other choice.

This is obviously so much harder for you being without your beloved DH to help squash all the ripples and support you. But he's there in spirit willing you to find a way forward with it all.

@Chopinandchampagne I'm so sorry to hear the drama continues but not altogether surprised...
Also not surprised that they did progress with the move, another isolation step especially with the new baby coming...

There is the usual fab advice on the chain and grey rock advice which really remains the best tactic.

I agree with a PP, you are her emotional punchbag, she can't raise things with SIL and just does as told. She will be stressed with the move and impending birth - if I recall she was worried about that earlier, how SIL would 'cope' but also the fact he forced an earlier discharge after a difficult birth if I remember right? Plus it sounds like she has healthcare people rightly raising concerns and risks with her, which go against what 'they' want...

However she continues to isolate herself with SIL and follow that path, allowing any stresses or issues to be deflected towards you and anything you do. You can never win this ridiculous game, you just need to step back and not even be a player.

It was a lovely update on other daughters house and I'm sorry to hear about your friend 💐

@Chopinandchampagne I just want to give you a virtual hug. I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved husband and now facing your friend's funeral tomorrow. Please try to get some rest for tomorrow. 💐

OP, in the gentlest possible way, you don’t owe me the remotest explanation, and you’re imagining judgement from me where there is none, only sympathy for someone visibly at her wits’ end.

I don’t disapprove of any of your disapproval of your DD — I’d feel as you do about benefits cheats essentially stealing money from the needy (My BIL and and his wife remind me of some aspects of your DD and LB — work is for mugs, we’re too clever for that, various money-making schemes, added in their case to compo claims as a virtual job…)

It is perhaps this relationship with your DD that makes you so readily go onto slightly apologetic, self-justifying, explanatory mode — it seems to me that you hit a similar note in many of your communications with your DD (certainly in your most recent one) and that this has the effect of provoking her further. If you read it antagonistically, from her POV, it could look like ‘Look how much trouble I went to for you, when I was already tired from online ordering for other people, and I thought you should have some luxury in your squalid, incomprehensible life, but give them away, see if I care — other people would value them. Anyway, I’ve sent you more. And I’m fine, I went away on a break with nice people who don’t live on squirrels and who reminisced fondly about your Dad, not like you, who made him so worried when he was dying. Also, you should feel sorry for me because my friend died.’

To someone whose thinking is as contorted on itself as your DD’s is, this is just more for her view of things (grief-stricken, disapproving, concerned mother getting it wrong again with her fancy presents) to chew on.

That’s in part why people are suggesting restricting your written communications with them — you are just giving them fuel. I think, genuinely, that you need to start training yourself out of replying.

Ok a bit off topic but I really think chopin you could do with a long holiday in the new year!

A few years after my father died my mum astonished us all by doing absolutely the last thing we could ever imagine her doing - going on a cruise!!!! Not one of these 4000 people jobbies but 100 or fewer people on a tour of the antiquities with a historian giving lectures!
She has done loads now and all have a cultural theme which might appeal.

Maybe something to think about to cheer you up - chuck your phone in the sea and disappear for 3 weeks. Added bonus that LB would go puce at thought of all his money you were spending.! 😊

Thank you friendlycat, Suzy, CJSmith and everyone for your lovely, kind and supportive messages. I am feeling calmer now and relaxing, already in my pjs, so I will be well rested tomorrow.

Corbally - your post and paraphrase of my message actually made me laugh and illustrated brilliantly the risks of longer messages. I can see that DD and LB could interpret the message exactly as you describe.

Wherearemymatbles - you are so right about a holiday. In fact, I had just booked a luxury rail holiday, coast to coast, across Africa, when the new variant came out. However, it has been rescheduled for July, so fingers crossed (and yes, the price would appall LB ).

I do feel very run down at present. I would have gone somewhere in January, but was thinking I should stay around until the baby is born. Now, I am not so sure, as long as I am somewhere in 'phone contact. Why hang around if I am not going to be allowed to see the baby anyway? It's like a dog hanging around in case a few scraps may fall from the table.

Oh your African rail trip sounds fab. I really like documentaries about that sort of rail journey - have just been watching the Griff Rhys Jones one on Netflix where he travels around Australia by rail on the Ghan and others. You might enjoy that if you haven't seen it. It's very soothing viewing.

I second the idea of a holiday in January. I wouldn't hang around for baby news when as you say it'll be phone or text only anyway. Go somewhere and relax. It's no wonder you feel run down. You deserve a break.

Please don't apologise for 'letting us down'. That's not how it is at all. Everyone posting - even those with different views to the majority - is doing so with the intent of helping you avoid further pain and that's all we wish for you. You are human and need to forgive yourself for having human feelings!

Previous poster here. I haven't anything useful to add on top of the great advice you've had already. Just sending you solidarity and company. We are with you and are here when you need us. God bless.

I would have gone somewhere in January, but was thinking I should stay around until the baby is born. Now, I am not so sure, as long as I am somewhere in 'phone contact. Why hang around if I am not going to be allowed to see the baby anyway? It's like a dog hanging around in case a few scraps may fall from the table

Well your assessment is harsh, but absolutely phones exist, we've all been doing video calls for the whole of Covid.

I don't know if you realise this, but you leak information like a sponge, especially about things that you think you 'should' be doing for other people. I've unlurked on this thread, but I've read all your threads and I knew it was you straight away.

Given LB's desperate desire to spend your money, you have an unfortunate habit of making yourself v vulnerable to being bullied by him by fretting about how you should be spending money on the GCs, setting up saving accounts for them, giving them gifts and so on.

It gives away over and over that you have money available, to spend on LB's family and if he can only push you hard enough he'll get you to spend it on what he wants and not what you intended.

At this point in their lives, as you have clearly said, your adult children should be funding themselves, but somehow it might be what you say but it isn't what you do

So I am thrilled that you had blown a large sum of money on your own luxury holiday. My recommendation for your therapy is that you do more of this - find yourself, enjoy the things you like for you whether that is clothes, holidays, food, nights out or something else. Maybe do the stuff you put off because your DH didn't enjoy it - I know my DM adored my Dad but when he died loved finally eating vegetarian food! And a lot less focus on funding the children (even the nice ones) and GCs.

I think you're being too hard on yourself, it's easy this side of the keyboard!

I agree with a different therapist. Yours seems to agree with all your approaches. Which sadly feed them both. You need someone who's got your back and understands the dynamic better.

I truly hope you have a great Christmas. It'll be my first alone, but I'm looking forward to the 'challenge!'

Oh, OP. You are doing fantastically well. You have survived this year, you are grieving your DH, you are coming through a grim and isolating pandemic where the background is a litany of crap news and arguing politicians. You are a devoted and caring mother. You have two daughters who know this and cherish it and cherish you. You have one who probably knows it underneath and lashes out at you because the dissonance of what she knows and what she is forced to portray she believes in order to perpetuate the lie of her ‘happy life’ with a discontented manipulator is very stark.

I am going to say something that I have pondered often while reading your threads. It seems to me that there is a certain kind of mothering ideal in some circles of well to do Englishness (I’ve seen it in many of my friends and their own mothering and their own mothers too!) which is to be quite selfless and ‘don’t worry about me darling, mum’s fine’. I mean this is OF COURSE a massive generalisation but I see it reflected all the time in media, etc ‘poor old mum’, rolling her eyes and getting on with things. I have LOTS of different cultures in my life and lived in SE england for 20 years, which is why I think about it so much. I feel like in some other cultures the mothers are allowed by society to be a bit more… demanding? Forceful? Have needs of their own, be owed loyalty and attention?

I see it all the time here ‘your children don’t owe you anything’, but actually in lots of cultures around the world, it is considered that you do owe your mum!

Of course those cultures, my own included, can be monstrous when you have a demanding matriarch running wild, but I just mention it because I think you portray (even in your apologies here!) that you’re of course not asking for anything, and of course you know they owe you nothing, and really you know you should be stoic!

BOLLOCKS to that!

You and your husband were kind, attentive parents, who brought your children up in a first world country, gave them love, attention, an education, time and mental support, money, gifts. They are so lucky. I’m sure you’re not perfect, my own mother is not and neither am I.

You’re a sixty something retired lady whose husband has died recently and whose world has been rocked by a pandemic. You deserve your daughters clustered around you, loving you and checking in on you and making sure you’re all right. It is okay for you to need love and support too. You do not exist as a therapy line and cash machine for DD1.

I am minded of the stellar scene in Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother where Amy Tan rejected a crap birthday card because it wasn’t a good enough effort for her. I think that one scene horrified every mother I know in England who read it almost because the concept of a mum saying ‘I deserve better treatment than this’ is so verboten. (I mean it’s a crazy book, but I do respect it because she’s fairly honest about how being a tiger mother didn’t work out for her and one of her kids).

I think of that and also I think of Ma in Derry Girls and also Mammy Walsh in Marian Keyes Rachel’s Holiday and sequels, and I think you might do well to think about whether or not you feel comfortable even admitting to your daughters that you are a woman who has been through a lot recently and needs love, respect and consideration as much as they do.

Meh, I have my own Irish mammy and she drives me CRAZY and is definitely flawed and also judgy mcjudgypants and I have fought the bit out with her over things large and small and she still doesn’t hesitate to comment on my hair/parenting/decor/career choices but I love her to BITS and forgive her mistakes as I hope my kids forgive mine and I do things FOR HER, and buy her coffee and lunch and holidays and don’t ask her to do my childcare but roll my eyes while listening about Maureen and Audrey and the committee because she’s my MOTHER, a perfectly ordinary nightmarish and lovely and crazy and brilliant one, who bloody well brought me to the library every week and taught me how to blowdry my hair and I love her and she loves me and SHE DESERVES IT.

YOU DESERVE IT TOO.

Oh Chopin this is all so awful. I wish I could make you a cake or something.

I do believe though that as long as you are very present in her life you will be the main focus for the narcissistic rage of Lobster Boy, and for your daughter’s anger. If you are less of a figure for her to focus her discontent upon, then she will have to look at her life instead. Lobster boy hates you because you represent her history, something that he can’t control.

Is it possible to tell her local health care services that you think she is in a controlling relationship with financial abuse I wonder ? So that her health care providers know to keep an eye out.

I am so sorry about your lovely friend.

And I absolutely agree with flouropostit
I am also not English, I am a Welsh Mam and we are quite fierce, I can see the cultural differences in parenting, and I am seconding that YOU DESERVE IT TOO.

Well I agree I want to make Chopin a cake or something too so now we can immediately form an alliance of FIERCE, CAKE-MAKING MAMS.

What's lobster boy's philosophy, hating anybody who's not broke.

Deep down he's emasculated for living off a scrap of land he doesnt even have proper rights to use. Is that his "job" ?

I couldn't agree more with @fluoropostit who has said what I was clutching at much better.

My non English DM's expectation of me is that I am a grown woman and I help her out, not the other way around. Yes, she loves visiting and will dig my garden which is frankly embarrassing because she is 80 and disabled but it is mutual - she can phone me and say 'Darling I am feeling v low' or 'can you sort out my computer' or a variety of other random tasks.

Because otherwise what is the bloody point of having children? You bring them up, you raise them to be fully functioning adults - step back and watch them make mistakes, and in the end they start looking after you.

If your DD2 and 3 had partners I think you would be finding it very difficult that some of the ways you show your love eg helping with forms for the solicitor, they suddenly didn't need Mum for as they were busy doing them with their partners.

I’ve read lots of your posts today. What a difficult situation to be in. I agree so much with the don’t engage advice. Yes it will be very hard but your current approach is just throwing fuel on the fire and giving them ammunition. I can see you meant well but your lengthy messages and gifts are not helpful.
Focus on you and your other two daughters and friends.
The advice to limit comments to 3 lines is good. Don’t rush to respond or be drawn into conversations.
Keep a watchful eye from a far obviously you want your daughter and grandchildren to be safe but she’s an adult.
Maybe have a list of bland replies - that’s nice, hope you are are well etc and a rule to wait so many hours before responding.
She throws you a crumb and you gush in response and then it’s twisted.
Travelling if you can sounds perfect.
Best wishes.

You've let NOBODY down lovely @Chopinandchampagne in fact I'm sure I'm not alone in wishing I could scoop you up and give you a bloody big hug