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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Friend's rude wife

159 replies

NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 20:29

Not sure what to do here. My (male) friend's wife is openly aggressive towards me, friend puts it down to her being 'naturally abrasive' and 'slightly deaf' but my DH says she's definitely rude to me. Other mutual friends say she is noticeably more rude to me than anyone else, but indicate that they're not keen on her either as she is generally quite unpleasant.

After 10 years of 'just trying a bit harder to get along' I now operate on a three strikes rule with her, three horrible comments in a row and I stop engaging in the conversation, physically walk away or less frequently, stand up for myself. She is one of those people who picks holes in whatever you say, so disengaging is the easiest option.

It has come to a head this week when she cornered me in the loos and told me to leave a public event we were attending as a (smaller) group, I was there by myself with a mutual friend and her DH. I did the goldfish thing and then left because of how aggressive she was, and I presume she then pretended she didn't know where I was, which led to a lot of drama. I had already said during the week I would do my own thing at said event but then bumped into the other three in the car park on the way in, and felt too awkward to walk away.

I feel like I can't just keep putting up with this to keep the peace and it's actually really upsetting for me to have to defend my right to hang out with friends I've known 30+ years. I also don't like exposing my DC to her behaviour, although DH and I try to use it as a teachable moment when she starts.

I am very close to calling it a day with my entire friendship group because of how awful she makes everything, but her DH is adamant it's in my head, and says they are a package deal so he can't come to group stuff by himself. WWYD?

OP posts:

GreenFlipFlop · 13/12/2021 10:29

This is really baffling. Could you unintentionally have done or said something to upset her DH years ago and he secretly is upset with you but she's more vocal with it on his behalf? Or did you and her DH have a thing in the past and she just hates you for it? I feel like others in the group will definitely know why she's being so rude which is why no one is saying anything about it

Allsortsofroses · 13/12/2021 10:45

Can you see the other group members without them?

They sound toxic.
They sound like they're in a dysfunctional codependaht relationship.

It's probably not going to stop or change.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 10:50

Stop letting her bully you!

I'd actually corner her yourself, either by yourself or in a large group and calling her out in public asking her what her problem is with you and so on.

I wouldn't care if it made me look silly because I'd coach it so I didn't lose my temper, raise my voice etc. How dare she treat you like shit for apparently no reason yet expect you to lie down and take it?

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 10:52

@NeverEnoughJs

I think it's her DH who enjoys the drama. If she isn't picking on one of us she is bickering away with him and I guess that's what he likes. I find it exhausting and not very nice to watch but he seems not to mind.

Maybe she's really unhappy in her marriage with her DH and has fixated on you for whatever reason (are you prettier than her, did her DH fancy you at one point etc?) so hence you get the brunt of her outbursts to you. Maybe her DH enjoys the drama but if it's like that (her and him bickering and he enjoying the drama) I'd be tempted to cut myself lose from socialising with them both, because of that drama.

Either way, it is not on at all for her to treat you this way.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/12/2021 10:53

[quote NeverEnoughJs]@nevertime this is why I'm asking here now. It's escalating in a way I'm not comfortable with at all and I am finding myself becoming part of the problem whether I confront, ignore, walk away. I can't win.[/quote]
You're right, you can't win because she has done this for so long and everyone else has enabled her.

So drop the rope. Stop seeing them. She's absolutely batshit. Nobody actually thinks you're the problem, they all know it's her. They just don't want to have to stand up to her or risk being her next target. Which is pathetic of them and means they aren't real friends to you.

Drop the rope, walk away.

Nanny0gg · 13/12/2021 10:58

How is she with your DH?
How does he react?

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 11:00

I'd actually cut off from seeing them (but being PA here) at the next group outing I'd actually tell them all in a group how she and he are behaving and say that you're cutting off from seeing them (or how they behave if that toxic couple are there). ok it could backfire but then at least everyone else knows what poison they both are and that you are not in the wrong and have a valid reason for saying what you are saying.

Original poster

NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 11:09

My DH lets it roll off him. He does have my back if she says something in front of her, so now she doesn't. But he can't chaperone me every time, especially if he's at home looking after the DC, or if we don't all travel due to the expense etc.

OP posts:

AngelinaFibres · 13/12/2021 11:09

I read an article once about spring cleaning your friendships now and again. I had a couple of friends who I had met at teacher training college. There were 4 of us and one woman and I are still close friends. The relationship with the other two became really odd. I had known them for 30 years so I just thought I should be friends because thats how it always was but actually every time I saw I felt really crap. The article made me realise that sometimes things have run their course and it's time to let go. The writer also said thtat spending time with a friend should make you feel uplifted and happy. I feel so much happier without the 2 of them. Perhaps it is time for you to do the same with some or all of this group. They do not appear to bring sunshine and jollity into your life OP

Original poster

NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 11:10

*in front of him

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 11:14

@AngelinaFibres I think you're right. It's really hurtful but all I'm getting is grief every time I interact with them as a group, so I need to remove myself from it all really.

I need to work out why I needed to hear this from strangers on the internet rather than my own friends, but that's a question for another day. Thank you for all the responses.

OP posts:

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 11:17

@GreenFlipFlop

I don't think its baffling at all. There are people in this world who control others by having a whipping boy and terrorise others by making them scared to do anything in case they become the whipping boy. It can be amazingly powerful because most people are generally nice and can't deal with it.

GrumpyLivesInMyHouseNow · 13/12/2021 11:24

Typical bully behaviour then, he stands up to her so she doesn't do it to him or in front of him.

Restart10 · 13/12/2021 11:32

Your friends don't stand up for you, because you don't stand up for yourself either. You have a mouth, a voice so use it. You can't expect anyone else to say something when you don't! She sound absolutely jealous of you. Don't cut off your group, confront this woman. She loves the power over you so take it back. The next time she says something, confront her there and then.

DaisyNGO · 13/12/2021 11:47

@NeverEnoughJs

Oh wow I would not tolerate a friend like that. He really isn't your friend, sorry. Has he just become a habitual acquaintance?

EKGEMS · 13/12/2021 11:57

I find this baffling-you are an adult and not a little,defenseless reception aged child and presumably have a voice? Speak up and say "so X you told me to leave the venue when you cornered me in the toilets can you explain to all our friends why?" really loud and put the spot light on her?!

Shedmistress · 13/12/2021 12:01

Have you genuinely never told her to shut the fuck up?

AryaStarkWolf · 13/12/2021 12:08

Bin them both, he sounds awful too

Corbally · 13/12/2021 12:12

@NeverEnoughJs

But in your OP, you specify that she's the problem -- you say he's your friend, and she's the abrasive, rude one, but you have to suck it up if you want to retain his friendship. Everything you've said since, though, makes it clear he's just as much a part of the problem as she is, though you seem far less able to point the finger at him for some reason.

Either way, you are choosing to spend time with people who are actively unpleasant to you, and have been over a long period, and to lie down under it. What is it that is making you do this, and to respond so meekly to their unpleasantness?

Original poster

NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 12:20

I walked away about 6 years ago when it became clear they were getting married and I had reached my limit with the comments then. I let everything fizzle out and we just did Christmas cards and happy birthday texts.

He contacted me again last year to say he missed my company, he had reflected during lockdown and wanted to get things back to where they were before he met her. So I decided to give it a try, but a year on and nothing has changed.

OP posts:

Original poster

NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 12:22

There was no unpleasant scene or anything, just an acceptance that she was here for good, unlikely to change her behaviour overnight, so I put it down to a personality clash and moved on.

OP posts:

RosieRoww · 13/12/2021 12:30

You need to stand up for yourself.
Don't let her treat you like a doormat wherever she wants to.

She's clearly bully who thinks that she can do and say whatever she wants and no consequences happen.

Honestly I think that everyone is quite afraid of her and her husband probably most, that's why the excuses.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 12:39

[quote NeverEnoughJs]@AngelinaFibres I think you're right. It's really hurtful but all I'm getting is grief every time I interact with them as a group, so I need to remove myself from it all really.

I need to work out why I needed to hear this from strangers on the internet rather than my own friends, but that's a question for another day. Thank you for all the responses.[/quote]
You're probably like me who doesn't like confrontation or finds it hard to stand up for yourself - most people are like us though.

I think it's quite normal to ask strangers on the internet this - because she singles you out mostly, she doesn't say it in front of your DH and you only see her a couple of times a year, her behaviour can make you second guess yourself and what you've done/said.

It's a pity that none of your other friends has taken her to one side, asked her what her game is, or told her to STFU but most people are passive re this, scared of the person or are happy because it's not them she's targeting. Is she being a bit of a (MN Term here) Wendy maybe? Maybe also because she only sees you twice a year too etc.

Gonnagetgoing · 13/12/2021 12:40

@NeverEnoughJs

In this case - I might have a final word with him, tell him you are not happy being treated in this way and if after this it happens one more time, I'd wash my hands of them and the other friends. Life's too short.

Themummilly · 13/12/2021 12:59

@NeverEnoughJs you need to ask her about the tall tales she thinks you have been saying.

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