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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend's rude wife

159 replies

NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 20:29

Not sure what to do here. My (male) friend's wife is openly aggressive towards me, friend puts it down to her being 'naturally abrasive' and 'slightly deaf' but my DH says she's definitely rude to me. Other mutual friends say she is noticeably more rude to me than anyone else, but indicate that they're not keen on her either as she is generally quite unpleasant.

After 10 years of 'just trying a bit harder to get along' I now operate on a three strikes rule with her, three horrible comments in a row and I stop engaging in the conversation, physically walk away or less frequently, stand up for myself. She is one of those people who picks holes in whatever you say, so disengaging is the easiest option.

It has come to a head this week when she cornered me in the loos and told me to leave a public event we were attending as a (smaller) group, I was there by myself with a mutual friend and her DH. I did the goldfish thing and then left because of how aggressive she was, and I presume she then pretended she didn't know where I was, which led to a lot of drama. I had already said during the week I would do my own thing at said event but then bumped into the other three in the car park on the way in, and felt too awkward to walk away.

I feel like I can't just keep putting up with this to keep the peace and it's actually really upsetting for me to have to defend my right to hang out with friends I've known 30+ years. I also don't like exposing my DC to her behaviour, although DH and I try to use it as a teachable moment when she starts.

I am very close to calling it a day with my entire friendship group because of how awful she makes everything, but her DH is adamant it's in my head, and says they are a package deal so he can't come to group stuff by himself. WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 21:04

Yes 😯 like a goldfish. I am not good at reacting quickly to mad out of nowhere weird comments.

OP posts:
JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 12/12/2021 21:04

Oh OP, why are you doing what this awful woman tells you to do? The more you do her bidding the more she'll push you. Stand your ground! I'm furious on your behalf. And definitely tell everyone what's she saying to you.

WeeFae · 12/12/2021 21:08

You are letting her get away with it.

Mamette · 12/12/2021 21:10

she started on a rant about how I'd misunderstood where I was going if I thought it was going to be dark and did I think they'd switch all the lights off for me,

How did you not just laugh in her face? Three strikes rule is overly generous IMO, sudden death for the likes of her. Even if it’s just doing a “talk to the hand” gesture and saying “oh, please” and turning to talk to someone else. Don’t allow this person any airtime.

Tillymintpolo · 12/12/2021 21:18

‘Shut the fuck up, you mad bitch’ …. And walk away

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/12/2021 21:18

her DH has said I've overreacted/caused a scene/upset her in the past when I've stood my own ground - well he would say that wouldn't he. She's allowed to continually upset you, but OMG if you stand up for yourself - you've upset her! What an outrage. How dare you?

After 10 years of 'just trying a bit harder to get along' I now operate on a three strikes rule with her, three horrible comments in a row and I stop engaging in the conversation 10 years! 3 strikes! She has been taught that she can satisfy her agression by being as nasty to you as possible with no consequences.
As for a teachable moment. I wouldn't have this nasty person anywhere near my DC. You are being too kind OP, you don't want to upset everyone but she is targetting you. Don't let her get away with it. What does she add to your life - apart from misery.

her DH is adamant it's in my head, and says they are a package deal
Bin both of them, he is every bit as bad as she is.

SarahBellam · 12/12/2021 21:26

"Why the fuck do you need to be so fucking rude all the fucking time? What the actual fuck is your problem? You sound deranged."

Beamur · 12/12/2021 21:34

I'd start seeing other friends and not including this toxic couple. Your 'friend' included I'm afraid.

Calamitydrayne · 12/12/2021 21:36

I'd just cut yourself off from her and her husband. They sound like they deserve each other.

Natty13 · 12/12/2021 21:36

Just don't make idle conversation with her. She doesn't like you, you don't like her so why pretend? She's clearly got the inclination to react aggressively to anything you say when it suits her so just don't engage. I had to do this with a colleague once. Until I got used to it I pretended to myself I was deaf and thst she was invisible. In front of other people I would say "wow that was rude" and walk away. Absolutely do not engage more than that. There's nothing she can do to make you speak to her and if you don't speak she won't have anything to respond to.

I'm sorry you are in this situation, it's really horrible :(

Calamitydrayne · 12/12/2021 21:37

I'd just cut yourself off from her and her husband. They sound like they deserve each other.

Flowers500 · 12/12/2021 21:39

Your entire approach to this is majorly counterproductive. Every time she's awful you leave, so you are giving her exactly what she wants. STOP DOING THAT. Just ignore her, completely ignore her from the start. If she keeps doing this, tell your friend that he is welcome to attend alone or not at all. Don't be driven from your friend group by a silly bitch.

Kajjjer93 · 12/12/2021 21:41

She's bullying you and she sounds vile.

However I wouldn't let her push you out of your friends group. Avoid her and her husband as much as possible and if she is there don't engage with her other than a very short hello. If she makes any negative comment speak to someone else and change the subject. Make sure your other friends are aware too, although it sounds like they have already picked up on how awful she is.

Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 21:44

I caught up with the person I was meant to go with and he said not to tell the DH what she said, she will find a way to capitalise on it and make me the bad guy - which I can definitely see. Another mutual friend has said that I might have picked her up wrong because I'm sensitive to everything she says.

I live abroad so only see the group in person a couple of times a year. She doesn't do social media and will be present but not on screen for group zoom calls, so is easy to avoid most of the time.

I'm thinking about calling it a day with the whole group for not backing me up on this. I have a great time when she's not there, but that is rare.

OP posts:
thenewduchessofhastings · 12/12/2021 21:50

Whats thé prelim to this?;were you friends with her DH before they met?;is it you in general she has an issue with or your friendship with her DH?

Sparkletastic · 12/12/2021 21:57

I'd just take her on. Every single time. I wonder how long she will keep up her nonsense with someone that doesn't let her win.

Flipflopblowout · 12/12/2021 21:59

She is trying to exclude you from your friends and the group and you are going along with it. You either tell her where to go a couplke of times until she gets the message or walk away.

Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 22:01

We were all at school together, we are mid-40s. She has been around for 10 years or so, so 5+ years after I was married. Her DH and I have similar family backgrounds and work in the same field, so we have a bit of chat about the industry when we meet up but not to the point where we are excluding people. My DH doesn't have an issue with him, for example, but he says he gets an unpleasant vibe from her.

OP posts:
Janeandjohnny · 12/12/2021 22:02

@NeverEnoughJs

I left because she was already on shitty comment 5 at that point and I felt she talked me into a corner where I had to leave. I was making conversation and said 'bright in here isn't it?' and she started on a rant about how I'd misunderstood where I was going if I thought it was going to be dark and did I think they'd switch all the lights off for me, and how arrogant was I and seeing as that was how I felt then I really ought to leave.

It's so tedious dealing with this every time when you just want a night out.

Can you tell me why you have not confronted her? Afraid? Consequences? Im interested to hear why.
Thatsplentyjack · 12/12/2021 22:03

Do none of your other friends hear her and stick up for you? I don't know how you've put yo with that for so long OP.

CovidCorvid · 12/12/2021 22:05

Why was the original plan that you’d go by yourself even though others from your friendship group were going?

Was there a conversation along the lines of “oh we will all go together but you NeverEnough have to stand on your own”? Sorry, can’t get my head round this.

I think in future either totally ignore her, like never speak to her and pretend you can’t hear her if she speaks. Or call her out on it that she’s a fucking vile bully….but sounds like she’s spoiling for a fight. So maybe ignoring her would be better. But I agree her dh is as bad, he’s not a good friend.

Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 22:05

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 22:08

@NeverEnoughJs

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.
He needs to try harder to accept the fact he made the choice to marry and defend a bully which will mean he loses friends along the way.

You've had the patience of a Saint OP, time to stop giving her headspace and stop being in contact with them tbh.

Proper friends don't watch you get picked on, whether you're 5 or 50! Decent people call that behaviour out and don't expect you to be humiliated for the sake of minimising their own discomfort. Fuck that.

tobedtoMN · 12/12/2021 22:08

@NeverEnoughJs

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.
No. You don't.
YouokHun · 12/12/2021 22:09

I’d dump the lot of them. It’s not like you see them all the time so there wouldn’t be a big hole in your life. And where are your other friends in this group? Quietly gaslighting you about your sensitivity! Why are they tippy toeing around telling you to alter your behaviour? On the basis of what you’ve said they should be calling this woman’s behaviour out. Honestly, if it was me I’d be making myself unavailable for calls, zooms, meet-ups and be putting my energies into other friendship groups. As for your male friend - he isn’t a friend. Just ghost the lot of them and if they ask why just say you have got better things to do with your time but personally I’d just move on and go NC.