Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Friend's rude wife

159 replies

NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 20:29

Not sure what to do here. My (male) friend's wife is openly aggressive towards me, friend puts it down to her being 'naturally abrasive' and 'slightly deaf' but my DH says she's definitely rude to me. Other mutual friends say she is noticeably more rude to me than anyone else, but indicate that they're not keen on her either as she is generally quite unpleasant.

After 10 years of 'just trying a bit harder to get along' I now operate on a three strikes rule with her, three horrible comments in a row and I stop engaging in the conversation, physically walk away or less frequently, stand up for myself. She is one of those people who picks holes in whatever you say, so disengaging is the easiest option.

It has come to a head this week when she cornered me in the loos and told me to leave a public event we were attending as a (smaller) group, I was there by myself with a mutual friend and her DH. I did the goldfish thing and then left because of how aggressive she was, and I presume she then pretended she didn't know where I was, which led to a lot of drama. I had already said during the week I would do my own thing at said event but then bumped into the other three in the car park on the way in, and felt too awkward to walk away.

I feel like I can't just keep putting up with this to keep the peace and it's actually really upsetting for me to have to defend my right to hang out with friends I've known 30+ years. I also don't like exposing my DC to her behaviour, although DH and I try to use it as a teachable moment when she starts.

I am very close to calling it a day with my entire friendship group because of how awful she makes everything, but her DH is adamant it's in my head, and says they are a package deal so he can't come to group stuff by himself. WWYD?

OP posts:

WeAreTheHeroes · 12/12/2021 22:10

And he is supposed to be your friend? I'd tell him your patience with her outright rudeness is exhausted and life is too short to tolerate her evident dislike of you. If he doesn't like that he knows what he can do.

Mydogmylife · 12/12/2021 22:12

@NeverEnoughJs

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.

See, this is just nonsense! Bad behaviour has consequences and you ( and your group of friends) are enabling her. Tell her DH that when you stand up to her it's just the way you are, and he needs to accept that

Onefelloutofthecuckoonest · 12/12/2021 22:13

@NeverEnoughJs

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.

Well that's just bollocks. Either you aren't representing the story correctly, or they're a bunch of weirdos. Either way, it's an easy out.

Original poster

NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 22:20

Originally 5 of us were meant to be there, one got pinged, another got stuck behind at work, they found someone she works with who I know only vaguely to take one of the spare tickets, but the DW had said that she hardly ever gets time just her and her DH, so I had said don't let me get in your way, I'll do my own thing. Mostly because the idea of making small talk with one of her friends and facing her shitty comments was less fun than being by myself. But then I bumped into them in the car park and the DH was all like 'don't go off on your own, we haven't seen you in ages', so I felt like I was being dragged into whatever was going on with them a bit, but also rude to walk away.

@wearetheheroes that's where I'm at. I think it'll be made out to be a me problem, which pisses me off because I have really fucking tried, but the alternative is listening to her nonsense and stewing over it until the end of time.

OP posts:

youvegottenminuteslynn · 12/12/2021 22:24

I would withdraw entirely and if questioned and feeling I had to respond, would go along the lines of "I think I've just outgrown being spoken to like we are all teenagers in a gang with a queen bee trying to divide and conquer, and other adults for whatever reason tolerating piss poor and frankly bizarre behaviour. It's really odd at our age and I'm bored of it after years of making the effort and rising above. All the best."

Saysama · 12/12/2021 22:29

The full extent of what some people (almost always women) will endure in order ‘not to make a fuss’ will never cease to amaze me. How can you allow yourself to be routinely disrespected in this manner?

Let’s try this.

Her: says something rude
You: you’re being rude and weird, I’m off.

Her DH: it’s just how she is, you need to get used to it.
You: no, I don’t. I don’t need to get used to anyone disrespecting me, and if you think I do, I don’t need to tolerate you.

Make a bloody fuss! And then stop talking to these awful people.

DaisyNGO · 12/12/2021 22:37

He is not your friend OP.

Good that you rarely see these people. I'd drop the lot.

NandorTheRelentless · 12/12/2021 22:50

@NeverEnoughJs

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.

Yeah, he can fuck pff as well

MelloYellow · 12/12/2021 23:03

Tell the bully to fuck off

billy1966 · 12/12/2021 23:11

@Babyg1995

Why the hell are you putting up with that shit never heard the likes of it tell her to fuck right off

This.

In a nutshell.

Why are you giving her so much power.

Ignore her.
Tell her fxck off if she comes near you.
Speak to your other friends.
Ditch her waster husband who clearly is NOT your friend.
Stop accepting this.

MMmomDD · 12/12/2021 23:26

I’d not dump my friends because of an unpleasant W. But I’d ignore her and not react.
Worse thing to do around a bully is to let them bully you. They lose their bite if you don’t acknowledge their existence

EssexLioness · 12/12/2021 23:41

@YouokHun

I’d dump the lot of them. It’s not like you see them all the time so there wouldn’t be a big hole in your life. And where are your other friends in this group? Quietly gaslighting you about your sensitivity! Why are they tippy toeing around telling you to alter your behaviour? On the basis of what you’ve said they should be calling this woman’s behaviour out. Honestly, if it was me I’d be making myself unavailable for calls, zooms, meet-ups and be putting my energies into other friendship groups. As for your male friend - he isn’t a friend. Just ghost the lot of them and if they ask why just say you have got better things to do with your time but personally I’d just move on and go NC.

I agree with this. None of them are friends, they are all behaving horribly. You deserve better!

Kweenie · 12/12/2021 23:59

Contact her via text message and tell her you won't be putting up with her behaviour any longer and in a social setting don't even try to talk to you

expat101 · 13/12/2021 00:19

Call it quits on the friendship. Your friend probably finds himself in a difficult position and is just trying to make light of it, not wanting to recognise his wife is a twat. At the end of the day he has to live with her, not you. He is going to give her the benefit of the doubt for as long as they are together.

Anordinarymum · 13/12/2021 01:18

Looking at this from another angle, you do not know what they say in private. She is obviously jealous and watches him like a hawk around you. It might cause arguments between them that you have no idea about and he might defend you which makes her hate you all the more.

I used to socialise with a group of people. There was a mum from school who my friend's husband fancied and he made no secret about it.
My friend was jealous and hated her and said horrible things about the poor woman to everyone which were untrue. I found it all a bit hard to witness.
Later we found out the woman's husband had been messing about with a 17 year old girl when he was working away. She had a child and took him to the CSA.
Everyone knew about it. My friend was vicious about the woman because she stayed with the husband.

She stayed with him because she loved him and could not imagine how she would cope without him. She came to my house and cried. I felt terribly sorry for her, and it was even worse knowing what had been said, and all because my friend's husband fancied her.
I stopped socialising with them after that.

Corbally · 13/12/2021 01:24

@NeverEnoughJs

Her DH says it's just the way she is and I need to try harder to get along with her.

They sound as if they deserve one another.

OP, you get that the ‘three strikes and you’re out’ thing is cumulative, don’t you? That’s three strikes in total, the clock doesn’t reset itself from scratch every time you meet, so you don’t actually need to endure three instances of her rudeness on each occasion?

Sagealicious · 13/12/2021 02:34

How do you think she'd react if you stood up to her and told her to fuck off? Would she fall into a heap or would she double down and become even worse?
So far you've played into her hands and done everything she wants i.e leaving when she tells you to, why give her so much power?
If you stand up to her she may react in a way you might not like but if you don't she's going to continue to walk over you. With people like that the best reaction is no reaction. She'll love the drama of you telling her where to go and will use it to her advantage but if you continue to play into her hands she will gain power from that as well. What can she do if you give her no acknowledgement?

As for trying harder to get along with her. Fuck that idea right off. You are not responsible for someone else's behaviour and why should it be expected of you to put in all the effort when she does fuck all?

Suzi888 · 13/12/2021 02:49

TangerineDreams
I think I would be at the point of bursting out laughing and saying, "Fuck off, ya absolute fucking numpty" and walking away chuckling. Not because I'd find her actions funny, but because it would induce such a rage that she would either self combust or explode in front of the friendship group proving once and for all that she's a total fucking bampot.
This.

RedSquirrelsAreAwesome · 13/12/2021 03:44

She sounds vile, most probably jealous and he sounds like a wet lettuce who doesn’t value your friendship.
The rest of them should back you up and not just allow the bullying to continue.
Bin off the lot of them.
Start again with a new set of friends.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/12/2021 03:50

It's really puzzling that you just allow this nutter to run roughshod over you, as though you're a child. You could very easily tell her to fuck right off as you casually walk away, and the fact that you actually left somewhere because she told you to is madness.

Moonkatz · 13/12/2021 04:05

My close male friend’s wife is a bit abrasive with me at times. It’s just sort of her personality to blow very hot and cold or be changeable in her mood, attitude. I mean it’s fine, I get on ok with her but ultimately it’s her husband who is my friend not her so I just let it wash over me and don’t get upset about it.

BookFiend4Life · 13/12/2021 04:48

Have you ever tried saying something like "wow Karen that was a pretty extreme reaction to my mild comment, are you ok?" In the most sincere voice you can muster accompanied by a worried look?

KnightonShiningArmour · 13/12/2021 05:12

@BookFiend4Life

Have you ever tried saying something like "wow Karen that was a pretty extreme reaction to my mild comment, are you ok?" In the most sincere voice you can muster accompanied by a worried look?

This but minus the misogynistic ‘Karen’ reference.

HarlanPepper · 13/12/2021 05:29

I don't understand this situation at all. I am the biggest people-pleaser ever in real life and even I would not put up with this shit.

ememem84 · 13/12/2021 06:28

I get it. Fil is like this. He’s rude to everyone and then swears it’s a joke. But it’s “just how he is” so it’s excuses by everyone.

He said something to me a while ago and I asked him why he was so rude. You’d have thought I’d punched him in the face. The reaction from everyone.

Apparently all my fault.

We no longer speak.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7