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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friend's rude wife

159 replies

NeverEnoughJs · 12/12/2021 20:29

Not sure what to do here. My (male) friend's wife is openly aggressive towards me, friend puts it down to her being 'naturally abrasive' and 'slightly deaf' but my DH says she's definitely rude to me. Other mutual friends say she is noticeably more rude to me than anyone else, but indicate that they're not keen on her either as she is generally quite unpleasant.

After 10 years of 'just trying a bit harder to get along' I now operate on a three strikes rule with her, three horrible comments in a row and I stop engaging in the conversation, physically walk away or less frequently, stand up for myself. She is one of those people who picks holes in whatever you say, so disengaging is the easiest option.

It has come to a head this week when she cornered me in the loos and told me to leave a public event we were attending as a (smaller) group, I was there by myself with a mutual friend and her DH. I did the goldfish thing and then left because of how aggressive she was, and I presume she then pretended she didn't know where I was, which led to a lot of drama. I had already said during the week I would do my own thing at said event but then bumped into the other three in the car park on the way in, and felt too awkward to walk away.

I feel like I can't just keep putting up with this to keep the peace and it's actually really upsetting for me to have to defend my right to hang out with friends I've known 30+ years. I also don't like exposing my DC to her behaviour, although DH and I try to use it as a teachable moment when she starts.

I am very close to calling it a day with my entire friendship group because of how awful she makes everything, but her DH is adamant it's in my head, and says they are a package deal so he can't come to group stuff by himself. WWYD?

OP posts:
RealMermaid · 13/12/2021 09:01

Alternatively: carry a notebook with you when you'll go anywhere she'll be and then when she says something bizarre or rude just write it down in front of her. If she asks, tell her that your friends back home just love hearing your hilarious stories about her, so you're going to write down what she says so you don't forget. If she says anything particularly rude message the group with a direct quote and "check out Laura's latest zinger from tonight".

CurtainTroubles · 13/12/2021 09:08

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at the user's request

MenopauseSucks · 13/12/2021 09:12

Whenever this unpleasant woman is being an arse, either in front of others or when you're alone just say:

'I see someone's a little off this evening!'
Say it in a cheery tone & with a broad smile on your face then ignore her for the rest of the evening.

Alternatively you can say:

'You seem a bit out of sorts this evening, is everything ok with you?'
Say this with an air of concern about you.

You're being polite & she'll look like an idiot especially if she's going off on one.

If you meet her in the loos, ignore her but if she starts on you, do the concerned question then ignore.

Works every timeGrin

Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 09:19

@MenopauseSucks thank you, I like that.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 13/12/2021 09:24

[quote BorderlineHappy]@NeverEnoughJs the reason your " friends" want you to put up with it,is because they know they'll be next.
So they've put you as the fall guy to save themselves.

I think you've outgrown them,cut your losses and let the group keep meeting.
Wonder how long it'll be before someone messages you about her behaviour.
When it's not hem on the recieving end.[/quote]
there is truth in this. Someone with the right horrible skills can cow a whole group by picking on one person. A neighbour did this to me and all the other neighbours affected not to know because they were scared it would be them next. I am not the soft target that i seem and when they failed with me they tried another neighbour and so on. It was "instructive" to see all the "friendships" turn as the folk realised that they weren't safe from being bullied. I don't blame my neighbours, they are ordinary innoffensive people and had no experience to help them deal with it.

AngelinaFibres · 13/12/2021 09:25

@NeverEnoughJs

Most of the rest of us do meet up by ourselves or with DPs or with the DCs, different for different things. She is ALWAYS there, and will ask after the state of our marriages if we go to things independently. She sees herself as a 'tells it like it is' or 'just asking!' type, which I find irritating in anyone.

I definitely have given her too much power but in the early days when I didn't take her shit it backfired on me and made me look bad, and didn't stop her. I have tried ignoring but when every conversation is turned around to having a go at me, in front of my friends, it's not a fun way to spend the evening.

At this point I think I will cut my losses and move on.

If your friends are there and see this happening why don't they say anything. That's the bit I don't understand in this dynamic
RantyAunty · 13/12/2021 09:29

I agree it's time to move on to new friends.

Seems nobody will stick up for you and if content for you to be bullied.
Not much of friends are they.

2022 new friends who treat you with respect.

GoGoGretaDoll · 13/12/2021 09:30

I've read the whole thread and was about to pitch in with techniques to help handle her, but honest to god - why should you need to? So what if this breaks up a friendship group - some friendship groups aren't built to last. The next time she pulls this shit, tell her to fuck off, get your coat, go home and delete all their numbers. They're not your friends, they are her enablers.

Life is far, far too short for this shit.

Holly60 · 13/12/2021 09:31

[quote NeverEnoughJs]@Shedmistress so I said hi James, how's it going? And she rushed over and went into host mode and say oh Never, you won't have met, let me introduce you. And he was like Confused and when I explained how we know each other, she asked if I was sure, then made a comment to him about being so funny with my usual tall tales and walked off laughing to herself.

When I read it back I'm just thinking 'avoid'.[/quote]
One way of dealing with this is to make her look like the silly one. When she ‘introduced’ you to your old friend you could have caught his eye, giggled, held out your hand and said ‘hi James, so nice to meet you’. Then you are having an inside joke with your friend that she is non the wiser about but you’ve not given her any ammunition. She would sense that she is the butt of the joke rather than the other way around.

Holly60 · 13/12/2021 09:32

Just basically consistently take the piss out of her and make every situation with her a joke. She would back off for sure.

Calamitydrayne · 13/12/2021 09:33

I'd just leave the group and tell them all why.

Holly60 · 13/12/2021 09:35

With the comment about the lights at the venue you could have laughed in her face, said ‘I think it’s a bit of a reach to say I ought to go home because I said it was bright in here, it’s almost like you’d rather I wasn’t here’. Tinkly laugh and walk off.

godmum56 · 13/12/2021 09:40

just to add, maybe she has her husband cowed too and he knows that if you aren't the whipping boy he might be?

mewkins · 13/12/2021 09:42

@Spongeboob

Jesus I'd have fucking nutted her by now. Who the fuck does she think she is?
I'm with @Spongeboob How are you all putting up with this hideous person? She does it in front of everyone and no one calls her out on it or just tells her to fuck off? Bizarre.
IntermittentParps · 13/12/2021 09:47

I was making conversation and said 'bright in here isn't it?' and she started on a rant about how I'd misunderstood where I was going if I thought it was going to be dark and did I think they'd switch all the lights off for me, and how arrogant was I and seeing as that was how I felt then I really ought to leave.

She sounds deranged.

If your 'friends' can't see this I'd be tempted to cut the lot of them off, and tell them why.
Or, any time she says a batshit thing, laugh indulgently and say lightly 'Stop being so silly' and then talk to someone else/walk away/turn your back.

sunshine789 · 13/12/2021 09:48

Look, in this situatio I see only 2 options:

  1. Dont wait for 3 strikes, cut her off at first one or dont interact with her at all. If you have a group of friends, you can hang with them, and she should leave, as she is the one causing the problem. If she is "naturally agressive", she will benefit from visits to therapist on anger management or something like that))
  2. You dont hang with her at all. You can get together with your friends and do not invite her with her DH or hang with him separately. If other people also dont like her, maybe after few times she wont be invited, it will help her to understand that she is not welcome with such attitude.

But first option I like more, hanging with friends should be pleasant, so she should be separated from all of you.

Mischance · 13/12/2021 09:50

Just ask her straight out why she is so rude to you.

IncompleteSenten · 13/12/2021 09:55

You barely see them. It's not worth it.

Carry on chatting online since she doesn't involve herself but when it comes to in person, don't bother with her husband. If you can arrange a coffee with others 1:1 then do that but write him off

Nevertime · 13/12/2021 09:57

Her comment re the lights is barmy, but I wouldn't take that as her telling you to leave. If you're really honest with yourself, as you sure you dont enjoy the drama of walking out without saying goodbye and the conflict, a bit?

MoreAloneTime · 13/12/2021 09:59

It sounds like there is something seriously wrong with her. Maybe the group feel pity on some level which is why they let her get away with it or like people have suggested they know that it could be them next and want to keep on her good side.

I'd stop giving 3 strikes as well. Better to remove yourself or not engage as soon as this behaviour happens and avoid being alone with her.

Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 10:01

@nevertime this is why I'm asking here now. It's escalating in a way I'm not comfortable with at all and I am finding myself becoming part of the problem whether I confront, ignore, walk away. I can't win.

OP posts:
DaisyNGO · 13/12/2021 10:10

I agree with posters saying one apple poisons the whole barrel

It reminds me of someone who tried to pick on me at uni, it was her way of being the alpha.

I'm not clear if it's her DH or your DH who you think might like the drama?

Ghost the lot. No explanations, just radio silence.

ginghamstarfish · 13/12/2021 10:14

So her DH, your supposed friend, backs her up and says you have caused a scene or upset her ... that doesn't sound like much of a friend OP, so not much worth salvaging here.

mewkins · 13/12/2021 10:19

[quote NeverEnoughJs]@nevertime this is why I'm asking here now. It's escalating in a way I'm not comfortable with at all and I am finding myself becoming part of the problem whether I confront, ignore, walk away. I can't win.[/quote]
She can't argue with herself. You could just look at her with a neutral expression and refuse to engage. And then just go about your business. You're not going to fix her though because she sounds unhinged.

Original poster
NeverEnoughJs · 13/12/2021 10:26

I think it's her DH who enjoys the drama. If she isn't picking on one of us she is bickering away with him and I guess that's what he likes. I find it exhausting and not very nice to watch but he seems not to mind.

OP posts: