Leaving marriage but now frozen and scared

[Scaffoldtothesky]

Hello, I've had a few threads going so sorry for repeating myself. I'm finally in the actual process of leaving my marriage after 10 long years of ups and downs (I take responsibility for my bad communication and prone to criticism and tempers). All the love and friendship has gone. I've been ignored, not heard or seen, for about a year. The difference being in the last 6 months or so, I've given up trying to talk and beg for small talk, affection, nevermind physical or emotional closeness, and it's been the silent treatment since then. Any conversation now is spiked with anger and resentment. He's usually passive aggressive but today he shouted at me when I asked why DS was throwing a tantrum over a toy. Once again blaming me for his bad parenting ("well you said not to pander to him").

I'm at the final hurdle. I've got the keys to my new place and intended to move out with DS. I've been running around like a headless chicken the last week trying to get the place nice and ready. I've spent money I can't really afford on new furniture and decorating. And now I'm shitting myself and do not know how to move on and move out. I feel so anxious I could just run away from it all.

I just need a handhold, or a good shake to come to my senses. I have no idea what I'm doing

You've got this far! Come on. Think of your future in the long term. You've got this

You have to do this, no regrets, you’ve come this far, you can and will do this x

You are going to be providing DS with a happy home, a better future and an amazing childhood.

That's what you are doing.

You can do this & you have to do this for your DS.

Keep putting those feet forward for him.

I'm two years ahead of you. Nearly there, I promise life will get better. Your anxiety and stress levels will dramatically reduce, you will be you again and your son will have the .um he deserves. Good luck!

You absolutely can do it. You and DS deserve a happy home.
Change is hard even if it's for the best.
You've done the hard part in getting things organised. Now to enjoy your fresh start.

Thank you all for the replies. I am just so scared, I've been holding it together and focusing on the new place and the move but now I'm just breaking down.

I think I got scared today by a chap who was quite intense and I stupidly agreed to his quote for handyman work because he said he can do it before Christmas. Now convinced myself he is going to turn out to be a psycho/stalker/murderer. Even found myself telling H that I was scared. I feel so anxious about everything.

You can do this & you have to do this for your DS
You are going to be providing DS with a happy home, a better future and an amazing childhood.

I convinced myself that I'm doing this for DS. But now feel like I'm just being a selfish, horrible person splitting up the family.

I was very scared when my first husband cheated on me and I asked him to leave. I was worried I would not manage financially. Worried I might spend the rest of my life alone. Worried exh would not make effort to keep in contact with kids. Worried I could not decorate or paint, do car maintenance. Ex had done it all plus garden, all DIY and because he was so good at stuff I never had to learn. Then he moved out an RF I slowly realised I could paint. I had just never tried before. You can do this OP.

You can do this 💐

It is scary but you can do it. Well done for getting this far and things will be so much better once you are out of this situation

Thanks. I'm having serious doubts that I can go through with this. I don't know what's come over me. I know I could do manage and life will move on but I am so upset inside, upset at the thought of pulling apart my DS from his DF and the relationship really actually ending. Then I'm reminded that H isn't even talking to me, spends every evening totally ignoring me like I don't exist.

Sorry I don't even know why I'm posting. I just feel so lost. I've had plenty of great advice on here but I am finding it so hard and feel so alone.

Don’t have much advice to give, just wishing all goes well. I don’t know myself but often wonder where does this funny state of mind comes from - when you know you want out, but shit**g yourself as soon as real opportunity actually comes to finally do it. Hope someone can explain. I’m a bit behind you, been applying for places for a while but hasn’t been approved for any yet. When the agency called me yesterday saying they are passing my application to the landlord - I almost screamed “no please don’t, I change my mind!” WTH honestly?! Maybe someone can explain this strange psychological phenomena of why this happens to us?

It’s natural to fear change. It’s all unknown. I had similar when I decided to split with XH - I was totally up for it until I had to start applying for benefits etc and then I had a massive panic and ended up staying another year or so.

But once it’s all done you will realise that it wasn’t actually that hard to do, that you are perfectly capable of doing these things by yourself and that your life is calmer and steadier without the ups and downs of a bad relationship to contend with. You can do it. If it helps could you consider it a trial separation? Tell yourself that if you really felt like it was a mistake that you could revisit things in 6 months or so? The hope is that obviously you won’t want to, but if it stops you feeling paralysed by the move then it could help yo reframe it as a less irreversible decision.

I agree with PP, tell yourself it's a separation. Allow yourself some time to see how life can be on your own.

You deserve a loving partner who offers companionship, not someone who makes you feel awful.

Give it a day, a week, a month. Take things day by day. You will create a better life for yourself and your son xx

ETA: Tell yourself it's a trial* separation

You can cancel the handyman. You owe him nothing. Just say it's not convenient and your plans have changed, then block him. It's adding to your stress and he could possibly intend to rip you off because he might sense your vulnerability.

Focus on the happy, peaceful life in a loving, nurturing environment for your child. You have been amazing in getting your ducks in a row. Your child deserves a happy and calm mum. Wishing you a very happy life in your new home

I'm really struggling again. I feel like 2 different people, two competing stories going on. I know for certain the relationship is dead and has not been right for a long time. But the guilt is tremendous, and the silent treatment, the feeling that I'm just the one making the fuss whilst H is the silent victim is so powerful. He literally is not acknowledging anything that's happening. I feel sick. I wanted to move before Christmas but now it seems I have to get it out the way and move afterwards, maybe in January.

@BlueLorikeet yes I know exactly what you mean

@Summerwhisper yes I cancelled the handyman. I had to play the "my husband isn't happy about this" card to get him off my back. It worked at least!

@MizzFizz yes taking it day by day is all I can do now isn't it.

Thank you all, I've said before I do not know where I'd be without MN

@RaisedByPangolins yes I can see how the panic could set in to stay another year. I think that was me last year. It is so helpful to hear from the other side of this really awful feeling.

It’s fear of the unknown, completely normal, give yourself a break!

No need to feel guilt, your not moving to the other side of the earth, and your not breaking up Your sons relationship with his dad, that will still go on.

Your just scared and getting into a panic, it’s normal, slow deep breaths and one brave step at a time.

Tell the handyman you’ve changed your mind and your brother is coming to do it.

I don’t think the silence makes him a victim either, doesn’t seem to care your moving out, seems like his happy for you to do it, what an arsehole- his silence screams volumes to me!

I don’t think the silence makes him a victim either, doesn’t seem to care your moving out, seems like his happy for you to do it, what an arsehole- his silence screams volumes to me!

Yes I feel like this, he has remained silent through out. I mean he's been giving me the silent treatment and just continuing as nothing is happening. I really see this as not giving a shit about anything.

@Scaffoldtothesky How you doing ? Have been thinking about you a lot today xx

@findthecourage thank you, I am stuck and exhausted by all of it if I'm honest.

I'm running back and forth sorting out the flat so I can move in with DS. Ignoring by H continues day and night. I hate that's Christmas in a week as the guilt is killing me.

Tonight I actually feel like I don't want to be on this earth anymore

Anyone offer a hand hold? Feel like I'm having a panic attack. All the lockdown rumour threads aren't helping

OP I can assure you that once you leave you will have such a feeling of relief, you will feel like a burden has been lifted off your shoulders, the sense of confusion etc that you are feeling now is natural, but you need to take that final step asap, I promise you that you have everything to look forward to, don't feel guilt I'm sure your H doesn't feel any from the way he has treated you and DS.