Leaving marriage but now frozen and scared

[Scaffoldtothesky]

Hello, I've had a few threads going so sorry for repeating myself. I'm finally in the actual process of leaving my marriage after 10 long years of ups and downs (I take responsibility for my bad communication and prone to criticism and tempers). All the love and friendship has gone. I've been ignored, not heard or seen, for about a year. The difference being in the last 6 months or so, I've given up trying to talk and beg for small talk, affection, nevermind physical or emotional closeness, and it's been the silent treatment since then. Any conversation now is spiked with anger and resentment. He's usually passive aggressive but today he shouted at me when I asked why DS was throwing a tantrum over a toy. Once again blaming me for his bad parenting ("well you said not to pander to him").

I'm at the final hurdle. I've got the keys to my new place and intended to move out with DS. I've been running around like a headless chicken the last week trying to get the place nice and ready. I've spent money I can't really afford on new furniture and decorating. And now I'm shitting myself and do not know how to move on and move out. I feel so anxious I could just run away from it all.

I just need a handhold, or a good shake to come to my senses. I have no idea what I'm doing

Up can you remember the other scary moments in your life ? Taking exams - you stepped into the room and did them . First day in a new job , you did it. Even giving birth , you've done that as well .
We all have / had those moments in our life . Sometimes the thinking about it is worse than the actual doing it . Bite the bullet / rip the plaster off , you know it needs doing . Welcome in 2022 .

Thank you all for the support, it really means so much. Happy 2022 to you all!

I've made arrangements today to see my parents and siblings, I've posted previously about how things have been difficult with DM in the past but I'm avoiding that today and just wanting DS visit his relatives and for us to have a good day. Ignored again all last night by H (he disappeared for a few hours yesterday and said he needed to help with Dsis with something) then usual blanking all NYE.

So I've said to him its better he doesn't come with me to see my family, because why would he possibly want to except keeping up the pretence. His answer, well I'm not asking you that, I would come with if I was welcome. I've said No.

Putting on my big girl pants for 2022!

Well done, @Scaffoldtothesky keep going -- it will be hard at first to be on your own, but soon you'll be so happy to have your own space, free from his toxicity.

You don't need permission or approval from anyone to make a better life for yourself.

Get yourself and your DC out of there!

Well done.
Happy new year

You've got the keys to your new flat that you've just furnished and decorated, but you're sitting around in a bedroom on your own every night, waiting for some acknowledgment that's never coming from him.

You are hovering, waiting for a reaction. There won't be one. I mean this in the kindest (but also wanting to give you a shake) way, just go.

Well done for telling him he’s not welcome.

I agree with @MollysDolly that there won’t be an acknowledgment, especially not while you’re still in the house. Wishing you all the strength to be able to move ASAP - you can do it 💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💐💐💐

Hi everyone, I still haven't moved. I'm annoyed at myself but the carrying on behavior like nothing is happening from H is having the intended effect. I feel there is no reason to leave.

I really need a good kick up the bum.

Help

Take this as a kick up the bum! 🥾🥾

What on earth are you doing? Get your son out of there even if you're not doing it for yourself!

Is this costing you money are you actually paying rent on an empty property? Are you in such a privileged position that you can do that?

Read some of the threads on here from women waiting for refuge places, or stuck because they don't have a penny!

Honestly just act! It's ridiculous!

Just realised how frustrating that post was. I could gouge my eyes out in frustration right now.

@MollysDolly, @DancinOnTheCeiling yes I guess that's it and I feel like for whatever reason I should have an acknowledgement that I'm leaving and taking DS with me. I just feel it would be reckless to up and leave.

@AttilaTheMeerkat thanks for the reminder about the Freedom Programme. I've given up trying to blame myself for all this.

Is that any better? Come on! Pull those big girl pants up! 💐

@leotardrock yes it's costing me money everyday. Fortunately I have a good savings pot and my salary is good but things are getting tight. I have no access to the joint account but at least I've stopped payments into it.

I'm questioning again if I'm doing this for my son. I know it is ridiculous, I feel absolutely ridiculous.

You are doing this for him. Would it help to enlist a friend to help you move on a certain day op??

Why don’t you tell your husband that you are going to stay with family/friends for 2 nights and go and have a “holiday” in your new flat.
Take a good book, food you like, get your little boy settled and in bed and then enjoy your new space, you totally deserve it!
After the 2 days you can go back to your husband and I bet you’ll be racing out the door to get back to your own space.
You can totally do this, have you told any family or friends, you have support here but I think real support in real life would do you the world of good.

Why don’t you have access to the joint account? Take proof of address and your passport to the bank and go and withdraw half of it. Do you own the house you are in?
I think you need to contact a solicitor too x big hugs x

Scaffold Not being given access to the joint account is a good enough reason to leave, is financially abusive!

I think Filo's idea of going to stay for a couple of nights is a good one! 48 hours of not walking on eggshells and being constantly ignored would probably be enough to galvanise you into action!

Cheering you on OP.

I like the idea to just go and treat it like a holiday. But once I go, I know I won't want to step back anyway.

Unfortunately I don't have many people to rely on IRL. I have one friend who knows everything but she has her hands full with her own family. I am trying to pluck up the courage to tell my parents and siblings but so scared of going public with it.

@Scaffoldtothesky you don't need to tell others now, that's just putting additional barriers in the way of leaving. The first step is to go.

Reread your original post over and over if you need. Imagine someone else was writing it - what would you say to them?

I’m afraid you just have to make a decision and stick to it.
I left a horrendously abusive ( becoming dangerous) marriage. Found a job, a house to rent over 100 miles away and literally threw all I could into the car and went.
The new house was sparse and so cold to start with, seemed to take me a week to warm it up, but the feeling of relief when I went to bed that night! I knew I’d done it. Never looked back. I’d had enough crap from him putting me down, I decided there and then I was a bloody good person and no one was ever putting me down again.

I'm another one saying Just go! OP. Take what you need and just move. Asking a friend to help is a good idea, particularly if it means you'll be too embarrassed to then tell them you've changed your mind.

You'll dither forever if you're not careful. Just pack your stuff and go as soon as you can.

I had to step away from this thread for a bit as I needed to think carefully about how to word what I'm about to say.

If you don't leave, OP, your husband certainly won't. So your DS is going to grow up thinking that it's normal to ignore a woman he's in a relationship with. That this is how women are treated. He has no other model of what a relationship looks like, so he will assume this is how it is. Is that what you want for him? I don't think you do.

I know how hard it is, I was there. I got myself a house and left and my god it was fucking HARD. I almost broke with the anxiety of what would happen next, how I would cope, what I would do. But I knew I COULD NOT allow my children to grow up thinking that my awful marriage was how relationships were supposed to be. I couldn't do it to them.

I was you. Sat in the bedroom night after night, like a prisoner in my own home. Even when I moved it took a while for me to get my head around being able to sit where I wanted in my own house! That's how fucked up I was!

JUST GO. If you're in the NW I'll be happy to come and help you, if that's what it takes. I have no family around but amazing friends who helped me move, rallied round with furniture and household items and generally carried me through.

You CAN do this. You've already done most of it! Stop making excuses and paying for a freedom you're withholding from yourself and GO.

Thanks for the replies and the encouragement. I have so little support IRL that I can't see the woods for the trees, I feel so isolated. And I'm keeping all quiet for that bastard aren't I.

@KateMcCallister yes everything you said describes my situation. I'm glad you are out of it now. Thank you, I'm not in NW but I would literally bite your hand off at that offer.

@MizzFizz I agree, I wanted to move without the added anxiety of facing my family. I think I've been rumbled anyway. My dear DF, who is a man of little words, has been texting me, asking what's wrong and that they are there to help or listen. I think things are pretty obvious from the outside by now.

@Suzanne999 I'm glad you were able to be so brave. I can't believe how many women go through so much abuse. I don't know what I'm experiencing, and if it's abuse, mainly I feel he simply doesn't care and probably never did much of I'm honest with myself. All I hear in my head on every single thought I have is his defensive contradictions.

Please, please listen to the wise PP.

1. Go to your new flat, armed with whatever you need for you and DS to eat, sleep, be warm and have fun eg toys, a game, blimey, a cardboard box and some pens. Even if you only go for a few hours, it will buy you a chance to think straight in your new home. 2. Accept help from DF etc. They can help and support you.
2. On Monday, start looking for a SHL so you can get a handle on what you are entitled to.

4. STOP SPENDING YOUR SAVINGS. Go and get half the money out of the joint account.

You can do this. Nothing is written in stone in life and if you have really, really made the wrong decision (very unlikely with all you have said), you can always let him do all the hard work in trying to prove that to you, whilst you give your DS the upbringing he deserves in a nice, calm space you have found for you both.