Leaving marriage but now frozen and scared

[Scaffoldtothesky]

Hello, I've had a few threads going so sorry for repeating myself. I'm finally in the actual process of leaving my marriage after 10 long years of ups and downs (I take responsibility for my bad communication and prone to criticism and tempers). All the love and friendship has gone. I've been ignored, not heard or seen, for about a year. The difference being in the last 6 months or so, I've given up trying to talk and beg for small talk, affection, nevermind physical or emotional closeness, and it's been the silent treatment since then. Any conversation now is spiked with anger and resentment. He's usually passive aggressive but today he shouted at me when I asked why DS was throwing a tantrum over a toy. Once again blaming me for his bad parenting ("well you said not to pander to him").

I'm at the final hurdle. I've got the keys to my new place and intended to move out with DS. I've been running around like a headless chicken the last week trying to get the place nice and ready. I've spent money I can't really afford on new furniture and decorating. And now I'm shitting myself and do not know how to move on and move out. I feel so anxious I could just run away from it all.

I just need a handhold, or a good shake to come to my senses. I have no idea what I'm doing

If it is a joint account then you do have access to it - just go to the bank with some ID and ask to transfer half to your own account.

Mirroring what others say about the joint account- if it’s in both your names you can just go to the bank and get access. Move half of it to your account.

This is your certified kick up the bum from me x

I am currently in an emotionally, physically and financially abusive relationship. I have to phone every day for a refuge place. There aren't any. He won't leave and I would give ANYTHING to have a flat that was furnished and decorated for me to just run away to. Do this for your son, please don't let him grow up in this environment. He will thank you for this later in life, do it for you, so you can relax and feel calm in your own home. You will not regret it OP. We're with you xxx

Which area of the country are you in? Maybe we could get some RL support going

@Scaffoldtothesky if your DF is asking you what's wrong and if you need help then now is the time to tell him. You don't have to go into ins and ours, just that the marriage has broken down, that you're trying to leave and have a flat sorted but you need some help. I'm sure DF will do anything he can to help you.

Sending a virtual handhold, I'm sorry I'm not close enough to help you irl

Please just make the move, you can do this

Thanks everyone.
@KeeG8181 sorry you are going through that. Yes I am fortunate is many ways, it makes it harder to leave for sure though.

@KateMcCallister thank you, that's a good way of telling them, I will keep it simple.

Well I have booked the removal company for next Monday.

I haven't spoken to DF but he has taken this opportunity to remind me via a long text how he has put up with DM shouting and screaming for 40 years but that he's done it for me and my siblings. I've muted his messages for now.

H is still ignoring me and not talking, despite me telling him again we need to arrange childcare and how he'll see DS. I just don't want to leave without this, mainly as I don't want him turning up unexpected.

I do just want to make the move now, I am so stressed out, think my body is going to give up soon.

Well done, that’s a huge step!!

I wouldn’t even tell your ex where you’ve moved to, keep contact handover on neutral ground rather than letting him pollute the doorstep of your lovely new life.

You know you’re going to feel so much happier, in that new life I’m sure you’ll make new friends, you have so much to look forward to. You can get through this week x

Thanks @FiloPasty, if I think about the future and the fun and new life me and DS will have, I feel so hopeful.

Unfortunately H already knows where I'll be moving to. I stupidly shared that detail with him (I've bought the place, it seemed like the decent thing to tell him). He has said in the counselling sessions that he would want to spend time at the flat and pick up and drop off DS as I "needed him to", I told him no he won't be doing that. Then he decided to stop the counselling sessions after that. So either way, whatever I do, I'm the baddie aren't I.

To be clear, my new place has been bought with savings in my own account which I just managed to scrape together the deposit. I know if things turned nasty he would be able to make a claim for that. Because of this, he considers everything in the joint account to be "mainly his".

Christ, if there's one thing I hate more than anything, it's a parent doing the 'I put up with a horrible marriage/relationship for YOU' bollocks.

Because it is bollocks. It's seriously grade A fucking bollocks and martyrdom to the nth degree. It's also emotional terrorism.

Parents don't get to blame their children - of any age - for the stupid shitty decisions they made. Be the fucking adult and admit you made a mistake! If you stay in a shitty marriage, that is on YOU, not your child. They didn't have any say in the matter, did they?

Your father staying with your mother is on him, not you. Nothing to do with you. And he definitely doesn't get to throw the '40 years' crap, either. How the hell can he be doing it for you when you are an adult and no longer live with your parents?

@noirchatsdeux thanks that's exactly how I felt when I read DF's message. Emotionally terrorised. I just told him I'll speak to him soon but not to make comparisons.

@Scaffoldtothesky What pisses me off on your behalf is that for the love of all that is holy, that's not really what you need right now, is it? You need someone supporting you, not doing a 'oh but I suffered, worse than you and for far longer, too...and for your benefit, btw'

I've had it for 32 sodding years from my mother. She blames me for my father leaving her for OW. I stopped looking to her for emotional support at that time. I'm 53 now and it's depressing knowing that I can't look to my parent for help. Makes me jealous of those who can.

How are you doing @Scaffoldtothesky? Good luck for Monday, are you ready?

Hi @FiloPasty no I don't feel ready and not fully packed. I'm having doubts again. I'm planning to tell my parents and sisters this weekend but honestly do not know how to do this.

Yesterday I tried to talk to H and asked him how he wants to see DS after we move out. Just got shouted at, telling me of course he wants to see DS and do it all, nursery pick ups etc, "just like I told you in counselling". The truth is, I've been waiting 2-3 months for him to have a proper discussion and agree a plan about it.

I'm terrified that I'll be accused of blocking access without a written agreement on childcare before I leave.

I have no legal advice in terms of leaving, I haven't plucked up the courage to speak to a solicitor and all mediators I've contacted are booked up for weeks.

I'm hoping if I'm brave enough to open up to my family this weekend, I might get some RL support but I know mostly I'll be justifying myself more than anything.

Oh dear Sky. Do you see he'll never put anything in writing before you go because that's his way of keeping you there? Why not write an email to him suggesting a fair contact arrangement and offer to discuss it? That way you can never be accused of keeping his dc from him.

@Haffdonga yes I think that's the tactic, he's carrying on like nothing is happening, refuses to engage and basically ignores me constantly. If I didn't have the means to leave, I would be suicidal by now.

Packing my things this morning - I don't care H can see me doing this.

Told my DF my text last night that I have news and that I need to talk over the weekend.

Anyone offer any words of encouragement or support?

I'm finding this a massive struggle today. H continues to blank me. Carrying on like nothing is happening.

I'm packing and doing all the practical stuff but my emotions have not caught up and I'm so distraught.

I desperately wanted to tell my parents today but have got completely stuck.

Preparing to chicken out of the move. God I am such an idiot.

Hi OP, I think you need to realise that truly the only person you can EVER change (despite all your best wishes) is yourself.

Your DH is choosing to treat you this was because he's a shitty person, not because of anything you did. And you can't change him.

But you and your children deserve better.

Move in for a weekend with a few bags for a "holiday" and see how you feel. Take any step, however small.

You probably have a lot of anxiety at being alone, it will be hard at first but you CAN do hard things. You CAN handle it. And it will get easier every single day. Please be the hero in your own story - you've already done so much, including get this new place organised for yourself and seek out support here.

I really am wishing all the best for you.

Come on, OP, YOU CAN DO THIS! You've been so brave and competent in getting this far. He had only confirmed what an arsehole he is. Please, you must go though with it, you will be SO MUCH happier. You will.

You have support here. Just get there. We will always be here mto support you x

You can do it. And you must! As pp said try not to think too far ahead... Imagine it as a holiday.. Or an experiment... You need breathing space. Right now everything is claustrophobic and it will feel suffocating as a result, which takes more energy and also leads to doubts. But once you're there you will feel weird and more liberated. Like.. Shit I just did that! I did it!

One step at a time. Focus on practical things and don't overthink right now. Emotions/coming to terms with it will catch up and you will do better with the space.

You will slowly feel more sane and human and realise it wasn't so bad. Even tho right now that feels impossible because you are in the trenches. Fear takes over and does weird things to the brain. But once you push past it you will realise you can keep going. Then you will realise you can muster strength to talk to people in RL. Then you will realise you can build a better future with people supporting. Then you will realise you have done the right thing for you and your children.

You can do it

Sorry to go against the grain here but I think sometimes there is too much of a ready made consensus on Mumsnet that the husband is the "arsehole" or the shitty one etc

In this situation, the OP has herself clearly said she can be critical and suffers from tempers. It just sounds like a typical unhealthy pattern on both sides where the husband backs off and goes quiet in the face of criticism and rage. And then he is accused of being passive aggressive.

I just think we need to be careful about blindly cheerleading a poster and always assuming the worst about the partner when we don't know the true dynamics. For example , What does having tempers mean? Could of mean the OP is abusive herself ?

Go Go go!!!!
He is silencing you ON PURPOSE... and it’s working!! By not talking about it he is not acknowledging it... why are u waiting ? Are u looking for him to give a blessing and say ok no problem it’s for the best go, or to beg you to stay? Please please please stop trying to please him or gain his approval or worry about the approval / reactions of others in family etc. YOU WANT THIS, YOU CAN DO THIS , THIS IS WHAT YOUR SON NEEDS! We are here cheering u on and if you lived anywhere near me I’d be there helping u pack xx