Leaving marriage but now frozen and scared

[Scaffoldtothesky]

Hello, I've had a few threads going so sorry for repeating myself. I'm finally in the actual process of leaving my marriage after 10 long years of ups and downs (I take responsibility for my bad communication and prone to criticism and tempers). All the love and friendship has gone. I've been ignored, not heard or seen, for about a year. The difference being in the last 6 months or so, I've given up trying to talk and beg for small talk, affection, nevermind physical or emotional closeness, and it's been the silent treatment since then. Any conversation now is spiked with anger and resentment. He's usually passive aggressive but today he shouted at me when I asked why DS was throwing a tantrum over a toy. Once again blaming me for his bad parenting ("well you said not to pander to him").

I'm at the final hurdle. I've got the keys to my new place and intended to move out with DS. I've been running around like a headless chicken the last week trying to get the place nice and ready. I've spent money I can't really afford on new furniture and decorating. And now I'm shitting myself and do not know how to move on and move out. I feel so anxious I could just run away from it all.

I just need a handhold, or a good shake to come to my senses. I have no idea what I'm doing

@itsyourthing

Sorry to go against the grain here but I think sometimes there is too much of a ready made consensus on Mumsnet that the husband is the "arsehole" or the shitty one etc

In this situation, the OP has herself clearly said she can be critical and suffers from tempers. It just sounds like a typical unhealthy pattern on both sides where the husband backs off and goes quiet in the face of criticism and rage. And then he is accused of being passive aggressive.

I just think we need to be careful about blindly cheerleading a poster and always assuming the worst about the partner when we don't know the true dynamics. For example , What does having tempers mean? Could of mean the OP is abusive herself ?

Have you actually read any of her threads or just the one OP? If you think she's doing this lightly, you clearly haven't! You contribution is both pointless and unwelcome in this context, just support a woman in need.

Still here OP, you can do this. Rip the plaster off quickly and soon you'll be in your new home with DS relaxed and happy, the weight of the world once resting on your shoulders will be gone. We've got you xx

@Scaffoldtothesky

Thanks *@FiloPasty*, if I think about the future and the fun and new life me and DS will have, I feel so hopeful.

Unfortunately H already knows where I'll be moving to. I stupidly shared that detail with him (I've bought the place, it seemed like the decent thing to tell him). He has said in the counselling sessions that he would want to spend time at the flat and pick up and drop off DS as I "needed him to", I told him no he won't be doing that. Then he decided to stop the counselling sessions after that. So either way, whatever I do, I'm the baddie aren't I.

You are not the baddie. All over the country separated parents drop off and pick up without ever going inside. Say nicely nearly every other separated parent manages contact, you won’t be stepping into my house. No judge will give him part of your new house where you live with the kids, they will structure finances so you keep it. Go stay for a weekend there wiht the kids and see how you feel. Practice short non committal statements ‘you could have discussed it at any time’ ‘you stopped counselling’ ‘we will have to agree something that works for the dc. Whatever we agree you won’t be coming into the house.’ Never ever give him a key. For any reason.

Thank you all for the support.

I've had an emotional roller coaster of a day. I told my parents everything, they were so supportive and understanding it has blown my socks off. I'm being assertive as I can be with them to put off any thoughts of needing to explain myself.

Moving day is tomorrow for sure now.

H has left it to the last minute and has now texted me his proposal for childcare. It's the same as he proposed in the counselling...
@timeisnotaline - exactly as you've picked up on, his message says he wants to spend time at my new place with DS to do breakfast and dinner, bedtime and he wants to pick up and drop offs, "all depending on whether I'm welcome at your flat". He doesn't get it does he and gives less than a shit about my feelings.

Well done for sharing with your family but do not let him taint your new house, he has absolutely no right to be in it
. Wishing you the best luck for tomorrow, you have totally got this!

You are doing well, and make it clear he is not welcome over the threshold of your new place. Say it is what is best for your son, and broken record him if necessary. If you think he will try to force his way in then talk to the police first - letting them know it is your place and your Ex has never lived there.

Well done OP - so happy you had such great support from your parents. As others have said, don't let your ex bully his way into your new home. He needs to learn the limits from the beginning. Hold firm, no matter how he tries to manipulate his way in.

Good luck today OP. I am just over a year ahead of you, except I stayed in the family home and he left.

I do think legal advice is a good idea. I ended up applying for an occupation and non molestation order to keep ex DP away. In the end he signed an agreement but it made him realise that it was real and happening and he didn’t have power over me any more. It also gave me the confidence that I was doing the right thing for me and the DC.

I am not saying it’s easy, it’s not, especially in the early days. But it is so much better than it was! You can do this!

All the best today !!

@pog100
I'm sorry. You are right I haven't read all the threads. I would like to delete my message somehow. I think I am just brainwashed by my own DP!

@itsyourthing don't worry, we all jump in without thinking at times and it's not always obvious what the back story is.

Are you in@Scaffoldtothesky?

@FiloPasty yes I'm in!

Feel full of anxiety and my nerves are in shreds but just getting through hour by hour. Our first night went well, DS wanted to stay up late but eventually crashed and slept soundly.

The reality is sinking in and I feel OK. Still have to face the music with EX (I get to use that now!) regarding childcare. I said to him that considering he's been silent for months on end then he's going to have to arrange a time to discuss it but I'm in no hurry as need to settle myself and DS into our new home.

Yesterday he was still insisting to pick up DS every day from nursery "as I told you in my message".

Yay!!! Well done :)
I would see a solicitor and just contact him via email.
So great you got the courage to finally go x

Congratulations - you've done it!

Any update? Hope your doing well 😘 😘

Hilarious that he still expects you to actual do all the parenting and wifing whilst he pops in even now you've moved out.

Boundaries boundaries boundaries and grey rock.

He can propose what fixed contact including overnight he would like but he will not be stepping foot in your home. Nursery pick up and drop off will be to and from his home!

Well done @Scaffoldtothesky, so proud of you. Sending you lots of strength 💪🏻 and positive vibes. Take baby steps, you can do this. And I’m so chuffed to hear how supportive your parents have been 💐💐

Thank goodness for that.
I had to scroll a long way down to see if you eventually moved out.
Good for you!
Communicate via email or via solicitor if you need to.
Don't give him a sniff.

You don't need to "discuss" he needs to email which overnights he is having DC and on a 2 week fixed rota such as EOW 2 nights and 2 nights each week unless he wants 50:50 overnights in which case I'd switch every 3 nights.

Thank you everyone, I definitely could not do this without these words of encouragement.

My parents and Dsis have been so great in coming over and supporting me. Now I've made the decision and done the hardest part of leaving, I oddly feel no fear in asking for help and admitting that it has all been shit. I'm trying my best not to slag off Ex though, but I've been clear to them how he has been behaving and his silent treatment.

Ex has been bombarding me with texts throughout the day enquiring about DS. I feel sorry for him in a way and don't want to punish him but I don't know how to react to him, he's still acting like nothing has happened. The text messages read like me and DS have just gone on holiday. There is no acknowledgement at all that the marriage has finished. Maybe I'm expecting too much.

He could be expecting to harass you into coming back.

Silent treatment is abuse, he has been abusive for years and it's served him well. You tip toe around him.

Find your anger- he has deliberately behaved that way to you. He doesn't care that it hurt you and was detrimental to DS to witness.

Block him on your phone. He can email only. You will let him know if there is anything wrong with DS. I would actually propose a contact schedule and let him come up with an alternative.

There is no reason why he can't pick up from nursery twice a week and drop him off there the next day. It's called being a single parent he sorts his life out.

You told him you were going and ignored it, you told him it's over he ignored it. His ignoring didn't work like it has in past so he's changed tactic to bombard you so that you step back into the role of appeasing him.

He has had months to change, to discuss he can have DS 50:50 so stop feeling sorry for him he has shown you and DS 0 care and compassion for years. He's playing victim and you're falling for it.

Oh WELL DONE!! @Scaffoldtothesky!! I'm so very pleased you had the courage to move out with your DS - so many people become fearful/baulk at the point of leaving. I hope you are proud of yourself - and great you have support of friends/family IRL. Don't be afraid of leaning on them as you need.

I'm sure you'll have ups and downs but you've done the really hard thing. Next is to ensure you get the space you need to settle into your new home/life by setting some ground rules and not allowing him to circumvent your boundaries, including how and how often he contacts you - and drive forward to the next phase as soon as you are ready.

Maybe he's treating your leaving as a non-permanent thing because of now hard it was for you to leave - but that's behind you now, and it's his problem to deal with - not yours.

Never allow him into your new home - that is your safe space.

No doubt when he sees how steadfast you are he'll change tactics and become quite nasty - so be ready for that.

Never doubt you've done the right thing for you and your child. Stay strong and good luck for a better future. 🌹

Well done OP! So great that you've been able to leave the situation and get yourself into an emotionally safe home ❤️

Hi I hope you're ok today. Please remind yourself he is abusive and don't fall into trap of feeling sorry for him...You need to get a solicitor and register the separation officially so that from that date he's entitled to nothing you purchase after this date! I was in similar position with and also very similar ex. I'm still separated and this agreement is vital to stop anything else becoming an asset if that makes sense... Find out if your new house is protected, also solicitor can help advise you re child contact... this helped me because at beginning I was letting ex take control...
Also find out if there's a domestic abuse support service locally. I found them invaluable I was an anxious mess also. I didn't believe I'd suffered domestic abuse either until she clarified things. You need support and honestly trained lovely female professional support staff will be invaluable. Citizens advice or your local council could direct you...xx