Leaving marriage but now frozen and scared

[Scaffoldtothesky]

Hello, I've had a few threads going so sorry for repeating myself. I'm finally in the actual process of leaving my marriage after 10 long years of ups and downs (I take responsibility for my bad communication and prone to criticism and tempers). All the love and friendship has gone. I've been ignored, not heard or seen, for about a year. The difference being in the last 6 months or so, I've given up trying to talk and beg for small talk, affection, nevermind physical or emotional closeness, and it's been the silent treatment since then. Any conversation now is spiked with anger and resentment. He's usually passive aggressive but today he shouted at me when I asked why DS was throwing a tantrum over a toy. Once again blaming me for his bad parenting ("well you said not to pander to him").

I'm at the final hurdle. I've got the keys to my new place and intended to move out with DS. I've been running around like a headless chicken the last week trying to get the place nice and ready. I've spent money I can't really afford on new furniture and decorating. And now I'm shitting myself and do not know how to move on and move out. I feel so anxious I could just run away from it all.

I just need a handhold, or a good shake to come to my senses. I have no idea what I'm doing

Thank you I keep telling myself it's going to be OK, I just don't know if I can go through with the final step. Each time I think that I'm reminded by H coldness and just simple unwillingness to engage. I guess I'm secretly hoping he will start talking, even about the separation itself. He won't though will he.

How are you going?

Hello @weenurse I'm hanging in there. Inside I'm all over the place. I haven't managed to move out yet, my new place is sitting there waiting and I feel foolish. I decided to get Christmas over and done with and I'll have to face it after Christmas.

The atmosphere is the house is back to the usual conversations through with DS, not talking to me unless I talk to him. But I refuse to have a miserable Christmas, I'm just doing stuff to please myself and DS. Right now I'm hiding out in the bedroom as getting too much.

You will get there and it will be so much better without the constant bad atmosphere.

Our minds can be our own worst enemy at times.
l would think of it as a vacation, a nice break to recharge.
In time your son will probably thank you for your bravery, and you will thank yourself.
Change is hard, but its worth it.
T .D Jakes does a brilliant speech on youtube about transformation, he talks alot of sense.
listen to "I will not quit until l'm living the life l dream of".

@PickAChew thanks it's not even an obvious bad atmosphere, it's very stealthy kind of ignoring, neglect, abandonment. It's only through so much counselling this year I've realised it. Before it was "bad" because I would be arguing with him, begging for small talk, affection, anything.

@Moonface123 I like that quote. I've given up on trying to make the marriage lovely with an indiffent, uninterested man. He's always been like that, I've just spent 10 years trying so hard, it's embarrassing. Not given up on making my and DS life better than this.

DS gone to sleep now, after a marathon on Christmas books. H didn't want to do any of the Christmas Eve things, just wanted DS bathed and in bed as soon as possible and now he's "asleep" as usual on the sofa. I'm in the bedroom, embarrassed to move again. I really am wasting my life here with him.

Consider it your greatest gift ... moving into a stress-free, calm, happy home for your DC and yourself without the dead weight of a passive aggressive asshole pulling you all down.

Imagine what Christmas Eve will be like next year. It will be magical for you and for ds. Exactly how you want it to be.

Lovely, he checked out ages ago. It's your nerves that are driving you bonkers. Your scared of being alone, scared that you won't have him near, even if he is ignoring you. You are co dependant on him and it making you want to stay in the same position for security. being co dependant on some one isn't love. He isn't actually trying to win you back or anything either is he. Fuck him, you deserve better. There will be a time in the future where you will possibly meet some one new and they will make you feel wonderful again.

I hope you and DS enjoy Christmas as much as you can.
Then move out next week.
New year , new life and home.
Good luck 💐

Thank for the replies, it helps so much, especially when I have hardly anyone to talk to IRL. Phew made it through Christmas day and today. I hope everyone has had a lovely Christmas.

I've tried my best to stay civil despite the cold and silent treatment. Promising myself and DS and better time next year.

I'm holding my nerve to moving out in the next week or so. Absolutely shitting myself but what other option do I have.

I've no idea how my siblings and parents will react and I feel like I'm being deceitful not telling them what's going on. I'm not that close to them (for various reasons) but we always get together / keep in touch during Christmas.

@motheroflions thanks, I need to hear this. No he's not at all trying to win me back, in fact, he's plain refusing to acknowledge the situation at all, and hasn't even wanted to discuss childcare arrangements, despite me spelling it out to him. Yes I agree with you that I'm co dependent on him, that's what has been keeping me in such a bad relationship.

without the dead weight of a passive aggressive asshole pulling you all down.

He's certainly passive aggressive and turning worse the last 2 days. When he's not silent, he snaps at me defensively. He's starting to snap at DS too, not shouty but in a yelpy sort of way. I feel so tense and my nerves are in shreds again.

Sorry for the rambling. Just wanted to also make the note that again on Christmas evening and now Boxing Day evening, he's "fallen asleep" on the sofa whilst I put DS to bed, so now I'll sit in the bedroom all night alone.

How soon can you move out?

Just go! Have new year in your new place. My life with my DD is so much better. The peace you will have, the control of your own life. You've come so far, final hurdle and your done. You've won.

Sometimes, @Scaffoldtothesky, the fear of doing something is worse than the actual thing. Your mind presents you with so many "what if" scenarios that you can baulk at taking that next step. You know you do need to take that step though - what other reasonable option do you have? How long can you, and your son, put up with this very affectionless, aggressive atmosphere you are all living in?

You say you are afraid of splitting up your family, but your husband has the responsibility for that. Sadly, he's also started being verbally aggressive to your son ⬇️

He's certainly passive aggressive and turning worse the last 2 days. When he's not silent, he snaps at me defensively. He's starting to snap at DS too, not shouty but in a yelpy sort of way. I feel so tense and my nerves are in shreds again.

Please, please grab your courage and your determination to take yourself and your son out of this unhappy place and move out to the home you've already prepared. Get some legal advice if you've not already done so - and secure your finances to ensure he doesn't leave you high and dry financially.

I bet you'll be amazed at how mentally lighter you'll feel once you take some practical steps towards your future. 🌹

I am struggling so much today, I feel like I'm fussing over nothing as H is still not acknowledging anything that's happening. I feel my whole person being erased by his silence. I'm starting to hate myself again for this. I feel so helpless it hurts

I know I am being stupid and a bad mother this week.

Any handhold or a good shove welcome

All I can say is that feeling alone when someone else is actually there is 100 times worse than actually being alone. Like you say, you have the feeling that your H is deliberately trying to erase you. It makes you feel helpless and out of control.

And in one regard, that's true. You can't control how your husband behaves. You can't make him realise what he's losing and suddenly start fighting to keep you. He actually won't likely realise that until you've gone and he starts to experience the reality of your absence.

Or... maybe he won't. Some people are actually so emotionally deadened they don't feel things to the same degree most people do. So he might not miss you much at all, just because he doesn't have much capacity to feel grief or loneliness or loss or regret. But that's not about YOU not being worth feeling anything about. It's about HIS incapacity to feel.

One thing that a lot of disordered and/or emotionally deadened people have in common is that they lack the ability to anticipate the results of their actions in a realistic way.

So if, for example you were considering cheating on your partner, although you might be drawn to cheat by the potential feelings of excitement or desirability, you would also anticipate how stressed and guilty you would feel afterwards, or how devastated your partner would feel if he found out, and that might well be enough to stop you from going ahead with the cheating.

Emotionally deadened people can anticipate reward – the potential good feelings – but not the bad feelings, especially the feelings belonging to other people. So right now, your H might be anticipating a sense of relief or freedom if you leave. And it might take a while before the reality of having to do everything for himself sinks in, or before he's having to deal with the stress of parenting by himself, or loneliness or whatever. At that point, he might start trying to get you back. Or, maybe he's just so emotionally deadened that he won't really care. That can feel hard, like it's you that there was something wrong with, but truly, it's not you. It's him. If he were normal, he'd be doing more to save the relationship right now.

So go, and don't feel guilty. You'll be able to see and love yourself more whole-heartedly again when you aren't dealing with the oppressive feeling of living with someone who does not really care about you.

Pack and go, deal with the fallout afterwards.

Just go, do you want to spend the rest of your life in your bedroom ?

He’s blanking you because he no longer loves you and wants you to leave. He doesn’t want to be the bad guy and force you to leave. The quicker you get out the fewer memories your child will have of this unhappy time.

All these negative feelings will go once you move. So just do it.
Big hugs.
You'll be fine.
You've done the groundwork.
Now just leave.

Keep building your scaffold to the sky.

I hope that 2022 will be a far better year for both you and your son. That process of things getting better for you both will start as soon as you move out. The first step out is often the hardest to take and one you must do solely.

This man's silent treatment towards you is really another example of emotional abuse and its one of many tactics such men (who really do hate women and all of them) use on their chosen target. He does this also because he can and also because he feels absolutely entitled to do this. I would also suggest going forward you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme as this would also be helpful as part of your recovery from his ongoing abuse of you and in turn your son.