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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

988 replies

WeWantTheFinestWines · 08/12/2021 14:39

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
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10
WeWantTheFinestWines · 09/12/2021 07:28

VanGogh you crack me up with your comprehensive knowledge of pensions 😅

Isitreally that's a really weird one. It looks like gf is no longer on the scene, doesn't it - maybe the holiday was a step too far. Because if she is, this is all kinds of wrong! I would just ask him - you'd ask a friend, wouldn't you? And that's what you're meant to be? Not mentioninig the gf and potentially seeing him feels like the elephant in the room and not quite right. If this was a movie, this is how you would end up together but as pp said - are you the fallback girl until someone else comes along? Maybe you need a chat about where you both are in your dating lives? Lighthearted?

OP posts:
BelladiMamma · 09/12/2021 07:52

@Isitreallyme177 ahem well you know how salty I've become after 2 years of being single.

Two years ago my thought process / conversation would have been 'oh gosh yes anything to help' >he's obviously not mentioned the girlfriend because he's hurt and I don't want to stir things up but I do have a massive crush on him so I am willing to go round and bathe him if that's what it takes!<

Today, I'd call him and say 'if this is a great excuse to jump me, I'm all in but first tell me about your girlfriend and second tell me why it's taken you this long' >and by the way there's something slightly man child / entitled about this whole thing that's making me feel less attracted to you

StartingAgain6369 · 09/12/2021 07:54

Good morning !

@Isitreallyme177 I'm with @Eesha on this, but if you do go it ask about the g/f face to face

BelladiMamma · 09/12/2021 08:08

Well I woke up this morning wanting to text MrA and ask if we could spend the weekend together in January.

This is a bad idea because:
I'll start thinking I'm his Gfriend again and develop feelings for him and then I'll ruin the possibility of meeting other people so I sent him a political meme instead

This was swiftly followed by me wanting to text MrBeau because I was worried about him and sure enough I've had a stream of texts back saying how lovely it was to hear from me and he's not in a good place. Am currently about to chop fingers off so I don't text him back offering all manner of things to cheer him up

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 09/12/2021 08:15

@BelladiMamma

Well I woke up this morning wanting to text MrA and ask if we could spend the weekend together in January.

This is a bad idea because:
I'll start thinking I'm his Gfriend again and develop feelings for him and then I'll ruin the possibility of meeting other people so I sent him a political meme instead

This was swiftly followed by me wanting to text MrBeau because I was worried about him and sure enough I've had a stream of texts back saying how lovely it was to hear from me and he's not in a good place. Am currently about to chop fingers off so I don't text him back offering all manner of things to cheer him up

Dear @BelladiMamma, please do not chop off your fingers.

Kind regards, Dating Thread

Slothmomma · 09/12/2021 08:18

Hi all, just checking in. Sorry but life got hectic with work, college, kids, dating and a mini health scare (I'm fine now) so I've missed two whole threads now 🤦‍♀️

Just catching up on this one. @isitreallyme177 that's a really odd one as I can't imagine asking a "friend" of other sex to help wash me 😱 no idea what Mr cricket is playing at but please don't let him use you for his convenience/keep you dangling as his fall back and make sure whatever you decide is good for you.

As for me, still seeing Mr Mason and its going so well. Definitely developed feelings for each other although neither said the 3 little words yet although I suspect its close. We have our weekend away this weekend and I can't wait!

BelladiMamma · 09/12/2021 08:19

@ibelieveinmirrorballs fingers still intact. Phone needs put away.

WhatsApp is the devil's work. I've looked into ways of locking it or switching it off for certain times of the day, a bit like the heating apps. Haven't found anything yet ... does anyone have any tips?

At least my crushes are evenly spread between various unsuspecting people 🤣🤣🤣 so I can just rotate the messages 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🤷🏻‍♀️ 🤷🏻‍♀️

TwatInTinFoil · 09/12/2021 08:19

isitreally I think now would be a good opportunity to ask about the gf.

PurpleStripyScarf · 09/12/2021 08:29

Haha @ibelieveinmirrorballs 😆 But yes, please don't chop off your fingers @BelladiMamma

@Isitreallyme177 I echo the others. It definitely sounds as if his gf is no longer on the scene (if she is, this is really inappropriate). Totally understand him not wanting to ask his mum but surely that would be better than asking a female friend? 🤔 I do think (regardless of what the situation is) it's weird of him to ask you. Definitely not good for you to end up being the fallback / in-between-girlfriends girl. If I were you, I'd do it but would also definitely ask him about the gf and what the situation is - but try to keep it lighthearted

StartingAgain33 · 09/12/2021 08:29

@Isitreallyme177 agreed that that’s odd and I wouldn’t want to do it without a conversation. Even with a conversation - it’s either going to be really unsexy and pathetic and put you off, or actually quite hot in which case what will happen then??

@VanGoghsDog still loving the pensions chat. That’s scary the idea of not having a state pension. And would mean I have to put something like £2k away a month to have a decent income??? I’m only 37!!

Naimee87 · 09/12/2021 08:30

@StartingAgain33 aaaahhhh that would freak me out!!! What about spiders? or what if it mysteriously closes by itself! How did you sleep last night? I had to be rescued by one of my neighbours from a spider in my room. Luckily he came straight over, he's 81! Bless him! You got to have good neighbours at times like these.... Hope you're OK!

StartingAgain33 · 09/12/2021 08:31

Okay £1600 a month to get to £600k but still…. Also, my granddad, dad and uncle and auntie all died at 71 so maybe I won’t even enjoy it!!

StartingAgain33 · 09/12/2021 08:33

@Naimee87 thanks, I’m going to call on the neighbours WhatsApp group today… I didn’t think about spiders!! It’s definitely cold. I’m still in bed abs frightened to look in case the hatch has closed. Haha

Naimee87 · 09/12/2021 08:47

@BelladiMamma i've asked magnet-man to video this morning, sat in a meeting now but hoping to at 10:30, very curious to see if it'll happen. Last night he agreed but we've not managed for a very long time to get a video call happening! And in the beginning he love these...

BelladiMamma · 09/12/2021 08:48

@Slothmomma

Hi all, just checking in. Sorry but life got hectic with work, college, kids, dating and a mini health scare (I'm fine now) so I've missed two whole threads now 🤦‍♀️

Just catching up on this one. @isitreallyme177 that's a really odd one as I can't imagine asking a "friend" of other sex to help wash me 😱 no idea what Mr cricket is playing at but please don't let him use you for his convenience/keep you dangling as his fall back and make sure whatever you decide is good for you.

As for me, still seeing Mr Mason and its going so well. Definitely developed feelings for each other although neither said the 3 little words yet although I suspect its close. We have our weekend away this weekend and I can't wait!

Yay nice update about you and MrMason ❤️
BelladiMamma · 09/12/2021 08:52

[quote Naimee87]@BelladiMamma i've asked magnet-man to video this morning, sat in a meeting now but hoping to at 10:30, very curious to see if it'll happen. Last night he agreed but we've not managed for a very long time to get a video call happening! And in the beginning he love these...[/quote]
That'll be nice 😊 are you still snowed off?

SortingItOut · 09/12/2021 08:54

@Isitreallyme177 I might be dim but if he is not doing much due to being injured surely he's not that dirty he needs a wash from someone else🤷‍♀️
I mean if he has a shower he could just turn the shower on and stand underneath it and get clean that way.
I know its not great long term to not use shower gel but for now surely it doesn't matter because he wont be working, doing hobbies and seeing people.

I mean what exactly are you needing to wash 🤔

SortingItOut · 09/12/2021 09:05

Thanks for the new thread.

Same old, same old with me - still with Mr K (2yrs+) and feeling positive about us (until ovulation when I'll be in 'dump mr K mode' but will sit on my hands until it passes😂). I spoke to him about being bored and he agreed and so we've got plans to do stuff out of the house regularly (not as regularly as some due to other commitments but it works for us) and we had our first thing last week and went to see an illuminated light display which was lovely followed by a meal out.
I also suggested a whole evening in bed on a regular basis which sounds bizarre but as we don't see each other on weekends we only get evenings and this is taken up with eating, sorting my animals, maybe netflix, sometimes seeing family and then bed so not much naked time and I miss that as when we first met we were FB and it was all about the sex. He has agreed and I'm looking forward to a whole evening in bed on a regular basis (we do have sex every time we meet but I want more time to enjoy each other rather than fitting it in between going to bed and needing to sleep) 😁

Isitreallyme177 · 09/12/2021 09:11

Thanks everyone, I'm glad everyone else thought it odd to ask. I tried to think who I would ask and couldn't think of anyone. I would probably put up with the pain and do it myself.

I know I said yesterday if he needed anything just ask but I meant food, shopping, company and actually joked about not showering him. Anyway he messaged back this morning saying he is waiting on an agency to see if they have availability today if not he'll let me know.

I had thought that I could offer to go round and cook him dinner whilst he has a shower, then if he slips or needs help I'm there but I'm not actually doing it. It also gives his mum a break from looking after him.

But I will bring the girlfriend up when I see him, maybe light heartedly say how come she isn't doing this or helping out.

Nurse Isit is standing down for now 🙈🤣

JustThisLastLittleBit · 09/12/2021 09:18

@Isitreallyme177 I think it’s rude and gross abd entitled of him to ask you to do this, I wouldn’t do it for anyone except my DDs. Let his mum do it.

Pensions. Hmmm. What political party is going to remove the state pension, given they get voted in and out, and retired people have time to vote? It’s a scare tactic by the pension industry, whose main interest is to rake your money in then keep a tight hold of it.

Balance is everything. You may not live long enough to enjoy your pension at all versus you may live to 110. You put money in a pension to secure the huge tax benefit (especially for higher rate taxpayers) versus deprive yourself of fun in the here and now. You put money in a pension then get taxed on 75% of it when you retire versus put money in an ISA and pay no tax when you take it out.

To my mind the key things are:
(a) work out when you want to retire and what realistically you will actually do in retirement (eg I love working and want to carry on as long as they’ll have me, all other things being equal, and all I’ll do in actual retirement is potter!);
(b) make sure your pot is working hard throughout your working life (like @VanGoghsDog, be on top of it properly).

FWIW, I’ve never had an employer pension scheme. I started putting £210 each month into a personal pension at age 27 and have continued at the same amount ever since, without fail. At 59 the pot is £360k, in a SIPP, growing at 10% on average each year. By 67 it should be over £500k. In retirement I plan to pretty much live off the state pension and money from lodgers, so the pension pot and ISAs are a bonus/something I can hand out to DC.

Sorry. Back to dating folks…

VanGoghsDog · 09/12/2021 09:20

@Isitreallyme177 - it's an odd one for sure.

You can get plastic sleeves to go over plaster/bandages, he could order on Amazon and get it tomorrow. He could ask his gf or ex wife. How old are his kids?

He has a whole cricket team and rugby team he could ask to help!

Why would he not want his mum to do it? I mean, maybe he doesn't want him mum to do intimate things but I'm afraid if it is intimate things it's even more odd to ask you!

He can't be asking to get you into bed, sex with a guy with two broken hands wouldn't be much fun (for either of you actually).

If it's just "pop round and help me wash my face" I guess it's not so bad, but he needs to be clearer.

Your idea of going to cook while he showers so you can just be there for him is a good one, I'd suggest that.

But it does sound as if the gf isn't on the scene, but maybe it's just that she is long distance or something? (Wonder if she's in Ireland?)

MayEye · 09/12/2021 09:22

Thanks for new thread - didn’t post much on the last one but I read it regularly. Love how supportive everyone is:)
Still with Mr L, still as happy as ever Grin I spent the weekend at his and we had a really fun night out on Saturday - I just really enjoy his company, feeling all the feels and am starting to miss him so much when we are apart. But love the anticipation of the next meet too.

Now all is not rosy because my daughter has exploded again about me seeing him. She really had a go at me last night, thinks it’s disgusting and wants me and her dad back together and if we can’t be together she wants me to be alone. I’ve tried to reassure her, I’ve told her clearly her Dad and I are not reconciling, I’ve tried to reason with her that she should be happy for me as I am happy - none of it gets through. She just won’t accept it. She is 15 btw but I would say a young 15 in that she has never had a boyfriend herself, lockdown has deprived her of so much socialisation and maturity, and she is afraid I think. She can also be spoilt and lash out in a very mean way at all of us when things don’t go her way.
I really don’t know how to handle it and I have no one to talk to about it. I haven’t told Mr L either as it seems so heavy.

VanGoghsDog · 09/12/2021 09:31

You put money in a pension to secure the huge tax benefit (especially for higher rate taxpayers) versus deprive yourself of fun in the here and now. You put money in a pension then get taxed on 75% of it when you retire versus put money in an ISA and pay no tax when you take it out.

But why shouldn't you be taxed on income? You get your personal allowance, currently £12,500 tax free, and 25% of your pension tax free (so, on the £500k we're talking about that's £125k free of tax, you could live on that for five years, so five years without tax!).
And then basic rate up to £50k, 20% (using current rules, obviously we don't know what tax rates might be in the future).

I "save" 40% tax by putting in the pension now and will only pay 20% when I draw it, so it's 20% up straight away. Plus the two tax free amounts.

And sorry, but it's not "put money in the pension and deprive yourself of fun now", you can put some money in the pension and have fun now. Split the money you have.

Money you put into an ISA has already been taxed (assuming it was earned), and you don't get 25% of that tax free. I use an ISA too, because I can take the money out any time. There is no tax saving putting money into an ISA other than you don't get taxed on income or growth/capital gains. I use it to avoid having to report on my investments on my tax return, saves a ton of paperwork.

The not living to see it is obviously a tricky one, my family does have longevity on both parents sides and I'm so glad my dad's pension was good and he saved loads and I never have to worry about my mum now dad has died.

Not having a spouse and kids makes my retirement needs different of course.

I'm not waiting until 67 to retire. I have every intention of downsizing my career at 55/56 and stopping around 60!

Onesmallstep67 · 09/12/2021 09:52

@MayEye I’m sure others are typing furiously in response to your post because it’s a situation some of us will have found ourselves in or at least can understand your dilemma. Firstly you are absolutely allowed a private life and as such apart from being away when seeing Mr L it’s not impacting your DDs world. I know that you have reassured her that she is a priority to you and that won’t change but she needs to also understand any relationship - in this case mother and daughter- has to be based on respect and you won’t respond to demands. Tell her that if she can articulate her feelings and fears and give you concrete examples of when this happens then you will listen and respond. My gut is telling me that she may have something going on elsewhere, maybe with school or friends and is using your relationship as a means of expressing her emotions rather than dealing with her own situation. 15 is a tough age, lots happening and changing for her physically, emotionally and socially. Try not to get drawn into conflict but instead stand firm and resolute on seeing Mr L and tell her that you won’t respond to emotional demands but you are happy to listen and discuss with her her feelings.

Isitreallyme177 · 09/12/2021 09:53

@VanGoghsDog his daughter is 8 so of no use really, I don't think things are great between him and his ex at the moment either.

Even if the agency does send someone I might suggest it as it gives his mum a break and she doesn't have to drive all the way to him.