Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

starting I think some people just aren't writers. A few decades ago there was no writing involved on dating, unless you sent each other letters - now it's all about the writing. I have really good friends who reply to messages by making a phone call. Things sound really good otherwise, hopefully that will be enough for you.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yeah you’re right, I should wind down texting and start voice notes maybe. Calls are awkward as my evenings are his mid afternoon when I think he’s in the office…

I got an adhd diagnosis a few weeks ago and it’s been interesting. I think I like a lot of stimulation and get bored easily, including in dating and relationships. Hence the impatience . Also he’s gone away so early into things when we were just getting established, part of me is almost tempted to relieve the boredom with a date with someone else! Which is silly because he’d come back and I’d feel bad.

I do love a bit of sexting. I’ve noticed lots of decent guys aren’t into it, maybe it’s a good sign yours isn’t! Great you’ve got the in person chemistry.

I’ve def fallen into the trap a few times of having way too entertaining chat with someone and then real life leaves a lot to be desired. I dated someone for three months once who was so articulate, funny and lovely over text but then totally meek and nervous in real life. I kept waiting for the real him to emerge but it never did! I’ve also gotten carried away with sexting guys before meeting and then we’ve never ended up meeting because things got a bit too intense!

@BelladiMamma

Sorry, rambling. Just found out from DD that yesterday her Dad didn't pick her up and she had to go home with a friend and he then turned up at 8.30pm ... instead of the 6pm pick up he was supposed to do. I mean wtaf. I'm going to totally overhaul all my home arrangements in the new year. I mean what a total shitshow

Sorry to hear you’ve had to pick the pieces up from this. It’s exhausting dealing with an ex who can’t be responsible and co-parent effectively. I had 7 years of it post separation and this time last year it all culminated in a final hearing for child arrangements (yet another one) - this time he made a random last minute play for residency to be reversed and thankfully got nowhere with it. By some incredible miracle he seems to have stopped giving me grief ever since. But it was a very long seven years!

@WeWantTheFinestWines yeah you’re right. I put way too much emphasis on words I think because I work in comms / am obsessed with writing in general. The ironic thing is he’s literally a professional script writer That’s what he’s in LA for. But it’s a different medium to texts for sure!!

@BelladiMamma that’s unbelievable! What was his excuse?

@StartingAgain33 I think you’re having some good realisations there.

Yes I agree with all of that re sexting. I made the mistake this time around of saying “let’s not get lost in the sauce” before meeting. He took me at my word and hasn’t sexted at all 😝 In general I don’t think it’s advisable pre meet - there’s nothing worse then turning up to meet someone you’ve got all filthy with and thinking ARGHHHH. But once I’ve met someone it’s a different matter 😆

When does he get back from LA? Try the voice notes. I agree with @WeWantTheFinestWines not everyone is a good text conversationalist.

Maybe he’s all written out by the end of the day!

Just got back from a really long college lesson.

Just to say to @SpringlikeBunk, If the London Meetup is still happening in February I would love to come along and meet you all. Hope I can tag along?

I hope you all don't mind, but my mum will have to accompany me as I'll be getting the train. It's a cp thing.

Haven't been to London for ages so really excited to return! ❤️😘

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Oh absolutely - preaching to the choir but utterly fair! So when we had the discussion, it was a kind of silly thing I was curious about. Which is how he came to know the kind of "mental space" I'd set up. He asked me if there was anything else I felt comfortable sharing, which there was a few - but held some back. It lead to a good discussion and actual apology (and he's noted the stuff in future discussions).

There was some stuff I held back - for instance him pushing for DTD early on which has now been rubbed clean.

I'm (probably overly so) aware of red flags etc. Letting him know the "red flag notebook" is almost a test in itself in all honesty and probably unfair to him! As now I know he knows I'm looking to see if he tries to sweep anything under the carpet. However it's also become a kind of fun way to discuss concerns. I take everything he says with a pinch of salt and he's also said he knows it's just words but time will prove he means it - and we'll just have to see on that one.

Yup. Far too complicated for such early days but I'm absolutely sure that I won't be taken in again by another numpty, and I'm willing to let this one go if my hyper-vigilance scares him off. It's giving me daily learnings about myself so can only be a good thing!! He's also a bit of an odd ball in that he seems to genuinely like to dive into this kind of stuff so definitely wouldn't work for 90% of the guys I've met before!

@WeWantTheFinestWines
Thank you for starting up the new thread ❤️

@BelladiMamma
Don't get me started on ex's and not picking children up today.
I've driven 60 odd miles today just on the girls, then when I eventually drop off DD1 exW car is on the drive after telling DD1 she couldn't do it

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @InABetterPlaceNow I would agree with that. I had a big red flag about someone a little while ago to the point where I decided I wasn’t going to meet him, and my friend (who is very upfront with everyone - too much in my opinion) said I should tell him what my reservations were. I was trying to experiment with being more open so I did this against my own reservations (I felt that I didn’t want to be persuaded as the flag would stay as a concern in my head, also I didn’t want him to know it was a red flag and hide it from other women!!). As expected he persuaded me that actually he didn’t have the issues I thought he did and should give him a go, etc, saw him for a few weeks and yes he did have those issues! We spoke about something else that bothered me too which just ended up with him back-pedalling. I wouldn’t tell someone again at such an early stage but instead politely bow out.

He wasn’t an awful bloke tho, we really made each other laugh and had great texting game despite no real in person chemistry. We agreed to be mates, and I’ve been messaging him about a possible loft extension today. He’s said he’ll do my plans for free!

Silver linings etc

@ibelieveinmirrorballs haha you’re right, he probably is! He’s back next Wednesday but has to isolate for a couple of days I think…

My loft ladder won’t close so the hatch has been open for the past two hours and the house is really cold. At times like this I really wish I had a live in boyfriend!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Would be great to see you there! Ill post updates nearer the time, current schedule is weekend of 5th and 6th February and I think we’re aiming for one big meet and some threadies will be around the whole weekend.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

Would be great to see you there! Ill post updates nearer the time, current schedule is weekend of 5th and 6th February and I think we’re aiming for one big meet and some threadies will be around the whole weekend.[/quote]
Awesome! Looking forward to it ❤️

To give examples of the red flags I shared - that he made a joke that was bordering on being mean to someone - that's the one he heartfelt apologised for, thanked me for the perspectives and on future jokes framed it more so I knew where he was coming from, probably overly so (I have a dry sense of humour too).

I also said he never asks me questions - he now does 😝

The one I brought up today was him borderline giving me parenting advice (felt more like critiquing), yesterday, which is a massive trigger for me. Again, one is just like to hear what he was really saying.

Any big ones I've just noted, and have dropped off as I've got to know him more. If they still, I'll walk away.

Uck typos. You know what I mean!!

@BelladiMamma

Damn I was enjoying the pensions discussion 🤓

My IFA / pensions guy wrote to me today. Need to put them all in one place. Exciting times. Woohoo 🙌🏽

Hi everyone. Dates roll call, all in search of my 3 FWB:

MrBet - lovely velvety Scottish accent, date zero Saturday
MrDublin - rough n ready Irish lad, date zero Saturday (theatre)
MrPoet - has been accepted as FWB tier 3

Other chats going on but not going to regard them as serious until date zero

Still missing MrA and MrBeau, who I developed feelings for but not the right time or person for me

Why do you need to put all your pensions in one place?

There is some value in having more than one, in case a system goes down and you can't access one.

Also, there is small pot commutation which is, I think, up to £10k x3 and doesn't count towards your drawdown tax limit. I can't quite recall right now how that works but ask him if there's any benefit to having a couple of small pots for later commutation.

Hate not knowing stuff, looked it up: www.pruadviser.co.uk/knowledge-literature/knowledge-library/small-pots-defined-benefit-trivial-commutations/#

@SpringlikeBunk

Are LISA’s quite good for pensions?

I’m kind of not planning too much but also I’m childfree and know I’m happy living fairly cheaply. I could live well on current pension credit levels.

Re: diversifying, I guess also things like health and emotional well-being are things to factor in for retirement.

LISAs are a different thing, but they do get a good govt bonus, so worth looking at.

I don't know much about them because I was never eligible so I ignored them.

People tend to think "I won't want much when I'm old" but I'm 53 and bored of work. I'm also getting more tired, and it's getting harder to find jobs (hello hair dye!) so you may not be "old" when you have to stop, or downsize, your work.

And pension credits and state pension really might not exist. Or will be far lower and harder to access.

I always worked on the assumption that I'd like to be able to retire at 55. Not actually to retire, but to be able to should I want or need to.

I'm going to join the institute of pension actuaries, surely I'll meet a compatible man there? :)

Morning. So I've just woken up to a message from Mr Cricket asking me if it doesn't put me in an awkward position, would I be mind helping him have a wash as he doesn't want his mum to help(to be fair I wouldn't want mine to either but then I would feel uncomfortable asking a friend to as well). He is either so desperate for a shower that he'll ask anyone or he sees me as that close a friend he doesn't mind me seeing him like that. Or there's the 3rd reason and I'm trying not to consider that one as I have just got my head around being just friends.

It still doesn't answer the question of where his new girlfriend is, if I was his girlfriend and I found out that he had a female friend help him wash and dress I would be a bit .

@Isitreallyme177 this all sounds a bit suss but I would do it just to move things along a bit. I mean he clearly trusts you and perhaps this is his way of getting close. I'll bet he isn't with the new girlfriend anymore.

@Isitreallyme177

Morning. So I've just woken up to a message from Mr Cricket asking me if it doesn't put me in an awkward position, would I be mind helping him have a wash as he doesn't want his mum to help(to be fair I wouldn't want mine to either but then I would feel uncomfortable asking a friend to as well). He is either so desperate for a shower that he'll ask anyone or he sees me as that close a friend he doesn't mind me seeing him like that. Or there's the 3rd reason and I'm trying not to consider that one as I have just got my head around being just friends.

It still doesn't answer the question of where his new girlfriend is, if I was his girlfriend and I found out that he had a female friend help him wash and dress I would be a bit .

Gosh I feel for you - it’s an awkward ask from him and quite odd. I think I’d agree with @Eesha that I’d do it as it moves things along but I just can’t imagine asking either a friend of the opposite sex or someone I possibly wanted to get closer to to do this. I’d hate my mum to do it either but surely that would be less embarrassing..? Also agree that it sounds like the girlfriend nay not be around but be wary of being the fallback girl in this scenario - grateful for his attention while he’s in between love interests… tread carefully!

@Isitreallyme177 oh HELL no!

If he were with his gf and you asked him the same favour, you reckon he would? No, because its totally inappropriate!

(Now, disclaimer, if you were only after sex with him, this would be a gift of an opportunity!)

@VanGoghsDog

I'm going to join the institute of pension actuaries, surely I'll meet a compatible man there? :)

Yes you would and they'd be damn grateful I'm sure 🤪❤️

But thanks for the tip, I'll look into it