Dating Thread 220 - where we forget about pensions and get back to dating

[WeWantTheFinestWines]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SpringlikeBunk

Yeh definitely hearing you *@BelladiMamma and @InABetterPlaceNow* - it’s quite easy for conversations/dates to slip into “know it all” mode (for both parties) rather than connection mode.

I work with a lot of bright people and I do think there’s pressure sometimes to “express the wittiest or best opinion” which can be a bit joyless for everyone and can leave people feeling insecure and/or patronised.

I think talks and discussions can only go so far to connect you - physical contact or action or just spending time together can work better?

Thank you! I'm hoping this is the case. When we're face to face (physically) much less talking happens 😂 It's also important for me to know someone sees me as an equal. I think I might have already had this rant at him.

But I also want someone I can introduce to family and friends without him looking like a dick!

Still figuring him out, and as both our time is limited the in between video chats are helpful. I'm probably overthinking things but we shall see.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs This is all so true, thank you! I know he's been even more interesting when I challenge him, and I'll be mindful on putting him on a pedestal (it's just so rare to find someone who I honestly find really challenging!! Not in an egotistical way myself but ... y'know).

I'll remind myself he's human too and I can challenge where needed and see how he responds.

Hello, checking in!
Love love love that table cloth @BelladiMamma and so glad you've ordered the tree @Isitreallyme177, I was going to post encouragement before I saw your update.
@InABetterPlaceNow I think the same as @ibelieveinmirrorballs I like to be challenged intellectually, every day is a school day and hearing individual opinions fascinates me.
I know what you mean re possibly feeling a bit intimidated but avoid that pedestal. I used to think my ex was super smart and the authority on things and whilst I was happy to learn skills and facts, he really messed with my ability to form my own opinions. And really, he's absolutely no smarter than me or deserving of the pedestal.
Still loved up with Mr D ❤️ in person/bed 🤭 we have a great connection but I wish it could be kept going between meets. He's not a sexter though, worries things will be taken the wrong way. We all know texts can be read in different ways but I love a good flirt/innuendo etc.

Thank yiu@Heartbeats0708 ! Firmly off the pedestal now (let's see how he reacts 😅🤣). Hopefully not too badly as I kind of want Saturday to be a thing 😂🤣😂

@InABetterPlaceNow

One thing I do with my bright, intense (slightly neurotic) long distance friends is to suggest a book or short story or an arty film or documentary we can both watch in our own time then we discuss?

So learning together but looking outwards a bit as well.

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@InABetterPlaceNow

One thing I do with my bright, intense (slightly neurotic) long distance friends is to suggest a book or short story or an arty film or documentary we can both watch in our own time then we discuss?

So learning together but looking outwards a bit as well.[/quote]
That's a good idea! I love how you all deal with these kind of issues... we have a good bunch here 🥰

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma I thought it odd too as I thought the same but he didn't even mention her. His mum (in her late 70s) is doing it all, he said his brother lives too far away to do much. I have said if he needs anything all he has to do is call(he can't text 😬).[/quote]
I think you should ask him. He's out you know the friend box, so you've every right to ask him what's going on and if he enjoyed his holiday with her.

@Isitreallyme177 damn autocorrect!! *he's put you in the ...

In other news, feeling slammed by these nee restrictions and what it might mean for our trip ... luckily I've not booked the pcr tests yet, I'll do it when we are away

As in, I've only spent money on ordering the rapid antigen tests for fit to fly, rather than the pcr tests required on return. So that's only £90 down the drain if we can't travel

Sorry, rambling. Just found out from DD that yesterday her Dad didn't pick her up and she had to go home with a friend and he then turned up at 8.30pm ... instead of the 6pm pick up he was supposed to do. I mean wtaf. I'm going to totally overhaul all my home arrangements in the new year. I mean what a total shitshow

@MizK i'm really wondering if i'm able to talk to someone impartial about whether what he is doing could be considered harassment. The teachers behaviour and involvement in our lives is extreme. My DS and i have no issues at home or anywhere else. He's a really lovely kid. I'm doing a bit of research online with my lovely neighbour (who i wish i could fancy) He's been such a massive support through all if this really! Trying to see if there's some 'legal' advice we can get...

@BelladiMamma the past week or so he has been like old Mr Cricket and the phone call today surprised me, I saw his number pop up and thought oh he is going to tell me he can't see me anymore. He even said he missed going for our coffee, and that if he doesn't see me next week(as he is supposed to be working over Christmas) he will when he gets back. He had me on speaker as he can't hold the phone and said he only just managed to get my number up with his little finger. 🤣🙈

hi, can i join in? ive got date 5 tomorrow with mr gym, ive hid my dating profile, so far so good. hes calm and makes me feel wanted. no sex yet, tho im hoping that will happen soon.

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma the past week or so he has been like old Mr Cricket and the phone call today surprised me, I saw his number pop up and thought oh he is going to tell me he can't see me anymore. He even said he missed going for our coffee, and that if he doesn't see me next week(as he is supposed to be working over Christmas) he will when he gets back. He had me on speaker as he can't hold the phone and said he only just managed to get my number up with his little finger. 🤣🙈[/quote]
Sounds like they might have cooled off? I think you should try to find out either way. You don't want to be someone's secret

@northernlight20

hi, can i join in? ive got date 5 tomorrow with mr gym, ive hid my dating profile, so far so good. hes calm and makes me feel wanted. no sex yet, tho im hoping that will happen soon.

Sounds promising. Enjoy things at this nice honeymoon stage ☺️

Just a little follow up from my previous posts. I called him on something that was bugging me. I know I'm complicated in the dating field by having my "book of red flags" and last week or so I let this slip to him and he has affectionately referred to it as my "Book of Doom". 🤣

So let him know something was lightly pencilled in there. He's a busy bee tonight but the result will be interesting.

Have also asked him if I have a Book of Doom and what might be lurking. I'm sure there's plenty that could be added!

I'm so weird.

@northernlight20

hi, can i join in? ive got date 5 tomorrow with mr gym, ive hid my dating profile, so far so good. hes calm and makes me feel wanted. no sex yet, tho im hoping that will happen soon.

Oooh sounds great!! Good luck and keep us updated!!

@BelladiMamma

Sorry, rambling. Just found out from DD that yesterday her Dad didn't pick her up and she had to go home with a friend and he then turned up at 8.30pm ... instead of the 6pm pick up he was supposed to do. I mean wtaf. I'm going to totally overhaul all my home arrangements in the new year. I mean what a total shitshow

I don't have any words but just to say ... that doesn't sound OK.

Life without my ex makes things more complicated in terms of childcare but infinitely better in terms of headspace.

I'm glad I ordered the tree when I did, it's out of stock now.

@BelladiMamma yep not going to be someone's secret. Well when I see him I'll do some digging (probably with a load of washing in my hand🤣 he offered me the use of his machine any time I want, I did warn him I might take him up on that offer).

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Your weekend sounds amazing!! Are you spending the whole thing together?

Im feeling a bit disappointed mr story isn’t in touch more. He is working hard in LA though and we don’t text that much in normal life anyway; a few texts a day usually at the end of the day and we’d just started chatting on the phone instead every few days as he says he doesn’t like texting much and that suits me too.

He’s also a tiny bit boring on text (apart from sexting), so when I don’t see him for a while it skews my opinion of him and I slightly start going off him.

Has anyone else had this, where someone is a bit boring over text but lovely in person? I know it’s a silly thing to judge him on but my impatient adhd mind wants stimulation Nooooowwwww…..

@InABetterPlaceNow no it's not ok. He does it all the time and it's bang out of order. I'm going to look at making some real changes in my life. There's no point in even arguing with him or trying to get him to pay for it, but I'm obviously furious and sad and all the rest but I just have to move forward with my and DD's life. He's such an utter twazzock

[quote StartingAgain33]@ibelieveinmirrorballs Your weekend sounds amazing!! Are you spending the whole thing together?

Im feeling a bit disappointed mr story isn’t in touch more. He is working hard in LA though and we don’t text that much in normal life anyway; a few texts a day usually at the end of the day and we’d just started chatting on the phone instead every few days as he says he doesn’t like texting much and that suits me too.

He’s also a tiny bit boring on text (apart from sexting), so when I don’t see him for a while it skews my opinion of him and I slightly start going off him.

Has anyone else had this, where someone is a bit boring over text but lovely in person? I know it’s a silly thing to judge him on but my impatient adhd mind wants stimulation Nooooowwwww…..[/quote]
I was going to reply to you saying your set up also sounds good!

I have a similar but different issue - mine is funny over text but prefers phone calls, and does flirting on the phone but almost no sexting type behaviour, which I wish he was a bit more into! When we met I was convinced he wouldn’t be very sexy as I’d only seen one pic and he didn’t flirt very much - so it was a pleasant surprise to absolutely fancy the pants off him and it’s the amongst the best sex I think I’ve had 🙈

My iron can be quite factual/matter of fact over text but if he starts to bore me I just stop replying or wind the chat down - could you try to decide that you’re just better face to face and on the phone, and see text as the least best communication option? What about voice notes rather than text? (Texting is my least favourite with Mr Mixtape but I think that’s a good thing - it’s a poor substitute really, I tell myself.). I’ve had irons who were scintillating and texting non stop - but didn’t stack up face to face.

Sorry forgot to answer your question - yes that’s the plan, all being well - I’ll need to drive to my DC birthday party straight after on the Sunday so will need to get back into mum mode by 2pm Sunday 😆

@InABetterPlaceNow

Just a little follow up from my previous posts. I called him on something that was bugging me. I know I'm complicated in the dating field by having my "book of red flags" and last week or so I let this slip to him and he has affectionately referred to it as my "Book of Doom". 🤣

So let him know something was lightly pencilled in there. He's a busy bee tonight but the result will be interesting.

Have also asked him if I have a Book of Doom and what might be lurking. I'm sure there's plenty that could be added!

I'm so weird.

I’d be careful sharing too much @InABetterPlaceNow (sorry I feel like I’m issuing gentle warnings and believe me I’m not sitting here thinking I have it sussed - I so don’t!) - but should we be sharing our ‘red flag’ reservations with that person? I know it’s because you’re thinking if you tell him then he can reassure you, and I’m sure in all likelihood it’s fine.. but really these should be mental notes we make ourselves so that we can form our opinion and be true to ourselves. I’ve definitely got a few not insignificant flag-type objects with my iron but I’m keeping note and trying to stay grounded. In my case it’s things like the monogamy issue (needs resolving) plus other things like he is more of a party-type than me (therefore would that become an incompatibility?), lives 2 hours away (logistically difficult), plus slightly checking as we go for emotional intimacy issues/availability. But I’m not discussing them with him!