Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

girlmom
This is how I feel and I have said it many a time but things settle for a while and then it all starts up again and the resentment kicks back in - or the upset - or the anger.
It varies literally day to day.

@HeartsAndClubs I agree with you in terms of introducing someone as a romantic partner to your kids.

But as OP is a woman & both of them have been living their lives as "straight" then the kids wouldn't even know - they'd just think they met their mum's friend WorriedWilma

It sounds like both OP & her GF are committed to honouring their ex's wishes to not meet for now. Just saying that I see this as easier to navigate than if there wasn't the secret gay factor.

Depending on how old the kids are, maybe just telling them in an age appropriate way that they're gay wouldn't be so bad? Kids are so progressive these days & may be able to process this better. I don't have kids, but would feel a 10 year old could grasp the concept of someone realising they were gay.

You claim UC to top up your income and child maintenance from your stbxh. You will have more options once you've sorted out the financial side.

Do the child maintenance calculator and the UC entitled to and see where that leaves you financially.

I also believe that you need to stop facilitating his life by washing cooking and cleaning for him if that is what you are still doing.

He's had 12 months to get used to the idea so it's not like you've sprung this on him.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Oh, FFS. He isnt abusive. She isnt feeling abuse.

This is a person who has found out that his spouse had an emotional affair and then left him to be with that person. Anyone who has been married and had children and then gets cheated on, lashes out and gets upset. He isnt abusive. The OP hid/lied about/ignored her sexuality, married a man, had children and then left him for someone else. He will be going through heartbreak and confusion and is losing the family he thought they built together. Life is going to look very different from here in out and that takes time to accept. He is allowed to grieve the loss of the life he thought he would have.

Women post on here all the time about their husband's affairs and they derail their reaction; shouting, begging, guit tripping. They get support and told that he deserves to hear how hurt she is etc. But a man doing it to a woman who cheated is called abusive. This sit can be disgusting sometimes.

OP, you had an emotional affair and now you've left your husband. You cant make that sound nice. You're hiding behind the romance of coming out and meeting this woman and things just clicking but it doesnt change what you did. An emotional affair, then leaving your husband for someone else. He is hurt. You're going to have to deal with that. It will pass.

You cannot carry on living with him just because his finances support you. You'll have to manage just like everyone else. You leave, you figure out your own housing problem and you come to an agreement about childcare. He is an involved and loving father and he isnt choosing to leave so please dont even think about taking the kids and only allowing limited access because you think they need you more or whatever. Even time. Do your absolute best to put their needs first and make sure they get even time with you both as much as possible.

He wants you to stay because he probably hopes for reconciliation. You know that you dont want that. Staying is cruel and will prevent him from healing and moving on. He deserves to meet someone else and be happy, just like you have.

You need to divorce. You need to leave the home and find somewhere else and sort out contact with the kids.

You've found the awakening love. That's great. But you dont get to have that and maintain your marriage and keep his financial support (child maintenance is different of course). You need to go out alone now and do the best you both can for your kids.

Well said.

You're not leaving because you're gay, you're leaving because you've met someone else.

To be honest you should have ended your marriage, sorted the living arrangements before considering going for a coffee as more than just friends.

You need to speak to a solicitor and get the practical bits sorted. This may mean you move out and then go to court to figure out 50-50 or whatever.

You can’t carry on living like this - it sounds too awful for both of you. I think you need to see what benefits you would be entitled to and try and move out and sort out some co-parenting arrangement.

It must be like walking on eggshells which won’t be good for the kids either. Good luck 🌺

[quote girlmom21]@WorriedWilma123 you're leaving emotional abuse if you leave now.[/quote]
If a wife caught her husband cheating with an OW and tried to convince him to stay, would you be calling that emotional abuse?

I guess I didn’t wait after separating because I knew it was going to be like this re living together for quite some time.
It wasn’t like I thought in 6 months things will change so just don’t go anywhere in that time to keep the peace.
It’s hard for me to read that I’ve left him for someone else because I just know I would never have even looked at another man - I didn’t for all those years:
It’s the fact I can feel like this about a woman that has thrown everything upside down.

@itlod if he told her he no longer loved her and she said he must stay for the kids, continue their marriage as it was (including still being intimate), she refused to let him go out with his friends and refused to do any childcare solo then yes, I absolutely would. Wouldn't you?

It’s hard for me to read that I’ve left him for someone else because I just know I would never have even looked at another man - I didn’t for all those years

But it doesn't matter that it wasn't another man, you have still left him for someone else.
Male or female.

The way this is worded is all a bit strange to ring true.....

Gay people are born gay, they don't choose it. I appreciate you may only have realised and that's understandable. The bit i have a problem with is that you're not "leaving to be gay"????
You already are gay whether you leave or not.

That sounds like it's written by someone who doesn't understand what it means to be gay.

You also already refer to her as your partner. So you have a female partner whether you 'leave' or not.

You seem frustrated that he can't handle it but you then moan you can't afford to leave. What do you actually want to happen here? To stay living with your DH so he can financially support you while you spend time with your partner and sleep with her whenever you want?

The fact it's another female doesn't give you a free pass, so you can't expect your DH to tolerate anything he wouldn't tolerate you doing with another man.

It's not clear what you expect him to do? Pay for you to move out??

Marriages end for a variety of reasons. It really doesn’t matter why yours ended. We all play a role in our marriages demise, we have to learn from it, grow, and move on.

Your housing and childcare situation is making the emotional side more complicated. Until that is resolved, neither of you should be dating. It’s just adds too much tension to an already awful situation. That doesn’t mean pretending things are back to normal. It simply means respecting the person you married enough to not give them a front seat show to your new life.

It takes much longer for most people to get over a marriage than 12 months. Throw in the enormous bombshell that your heterosexual spouse has realised they are gay - calling into question your entire history and life together - and then the fact that they immediately began a relationship with the person who apparently triggered this realisation and the fact that they are conducting that relationship under your nose whilst you remain in the same home with pretty much your normal domestic arrangements in place. It’s really no surprise that he is not coping and is struggling from day to day. What a head fuck. I’m trying to imagine my husband doing this and it would be utterly traumatic. I am certain I would not always make wise choices either.

Your husband clearly is not going to just move out, although it may well be that this would actually be better for everyone (including him). He’s not got his head around any of this. You can’t expect him to come to terms with things on your timescale just because it would suit you, when you haven’t given him any consideration at all in choosing to start and continue your relationship with the other woman. Of course he resents you! Of course he’s angry. Of course he is swinging like a pendulum one day to the next. He’s hurting and in absolute turmoil. I think there’s every chance you could have had an amicable split whereby you could discuss the practicalities and financial situation, and your husband could hopefully get his head around your sexuality at some stage. Unfortunately you’ve jumped into a new relationship before you’ve even begun the process of disentangling yourself from your marriage which has likely blown all hope of that to pieces. It’s your haste to move on before you’ve properly made arrangements for your children or actually meaningfully separated from your husband that has caused much (probably most) of this problem.

You are going to have to to take charge of the situation and sort the practicalities yourself as much as possible because you do not have your husband’s cooperation. You need a clear split. Speak to CAB about benefits. Look at other ways to increase your income. It might also be of benefit to cool things with your girlfriend until you’ve actually extracted yourself from your marriage properly. I’m not surprised your husband feels like you’re leaving him to hold the fort with the kids while you go off and have dates and sex with your new girlfriend. Any man doing the same would be ripped to shreds on here. You need a clear division of time with the kids, household responsibilities, financial responsibilities etc. a clear split, and then one of you needs to move out very quickly.

If husband realised tomorrow he was trans & would undergo gender reassignment surgery, would that make your marriage work OK?

Or do you just really like the OW?

I appreciate the last message.
No I don’t expect him to pay for me to move out.
I guess I just hoped in a really stupid way, that because it was me realising I was gay that at some point we would have found a way to make this work by now.
I didn’t think a whole year could pass and we would literally be at square one.
When he told the children I thought that was the start of him accepting it; when he told his friends I thought it was his accepting it further and when he told his family I thought that was the final acceptance. But literally nothing at all changed.
So at times I can feel a little resentful that the children have been upset through this for what feels like nothing - I’m not able to live my life anyway so it can feel all a little pointless.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Oh, FFS. He isnt abusive. She isnt feeling abuse.

This is a person who has found out that his spouse had an emotional affair and then left him to be with that person. Anyone who has been married and had children and then gets cheated on, lashes out and gets upset. He isnt abusive. The OP hid/lied about/ignored her sexuality, married a man, had children and then left him for someone else. He will be going through heartbreak and confusion and is losing the family he thought they built together. Life is going to look very different from here in out and that takes time to accept. He is allowed to grieve the loss of the life he thought he would have.

Women post on here all the time about their husband's affairs and they derail their reaction; shouting, begging, guit tripping. They get support and told that he deserves to hear how hurt she is etc. But a man doing it to a woman who cheated is called abusive. This sit can be disgusting sometimes.

OP, you had an emotional affair and now you've left your husband. You cant make that sound nice. You're hiding behind the romance of coming out and meeting this woman and things just clicking but it doesnt change what you did. An emotional affair, then leaving your husband for someone else. He is hurt. You're going to have to deal with that. It will pass.

You cannot carry on living with him just because his finances support you. You'll have to manage just like everyone else. You leave, you figure out your own housing problem and you come to an agreement about childcare. He is an involved and loving father and he isnt choosing to leave so please dont even think about taking the kids and only allowing limited access because you think they need you more or whatever. Even time. Do your absolute best to put their needs first and make sure they get even time with you both as much as possible.

He wants you to stay because he probably hopes for reconciliation. You know that you dont want that. Staying is cruel and will prevent him from healing and moving on. He deserves to meet someone else and be happy, just like you have.

You need to divorce. You need to leave the home and find somewhere else and sort out contact with the kids.

You've found the awakening love. That's great. But you dont get to have that and maintain your marriage and keep his financial support (child maintenance is different of course). You need to go out alone now and do the best you both can for your kids.

As hard as it may be, I'm afraid I agree with this

It’s hard for me to read that I’ve left him for someone else

But gently OP, that's what's happened. You met someone else and your feelings for them and attraction to them were so strong that your marriage broke down as a result and you are now not in a relationship with your husband, but are instead in a relationship with the other person.

You literally have left him for someone else and I'm confused why you don't seem to accept that as fact?

The fact it's a woman not a man doesn't change the fact you ended the relationship because of them and are now with them romantically.

I’ve seen this happen a couple of times now IRL and the person who comes out always thinks that being gay somehow makes the marriage ending less painful or somehow acceptable. It really doesn’t. It doesn’t matter why you end your marriage, even if it was a bad marriage, when it ends, it hurts.

@Blossom64265

I’ve seen this happen a couple of times now IRL and the person who comes out always thinks that being gay somehow makes the marriage ending less painful or somehow acceptable. It really doesn’t. It doesn’t matter why you end your marriage, even if it was a bad marriage, when it ends, it hurts.

I think this is really important to try to get your head around OP. Can you see that you being gay doesn't make the process of accepting the marriage is over any easier for your husband?

In fact, you need to try and empathise a bit with how in some ways it makes it harder. Because the person who is left by someone who says they are gay will now question so much of their shared history. Did they ever really enjoy sex with me? Did they secretly feel disgusted by my body? How long have they known this deep down? Did they use me to have a family knowing they didn't feel sexually attracted to me? Etc etc.

I'm not saying whether those things are true or not in your case, but that level of doubt about a long term relationship is so, so hard for the person being broken up with.

Can you see how in some ways it makes it harder, rather than how you thought it would be easier in a way?

OPs posts just get worse by the second. I've never encountered such a blinkered situation on here. Can I just ask if my understanding is correct:

You met someone else and both fell in love whilst married but in your opinion this is absolutely not an emotional affair.

You then proceeded to leave your husband for this person but still maintain this is categorically not an affair.

You've told your husband all the gory details and continue to live together whilst you have a relationship with your new partner

You can't afford to live alone, so you think your DH should move out. Although you apparently don't really think that, even though you've repeatedly said you don't understand why he won't move out.

You can't move out yourself as you must provide wrap around childcare for your child.

You haven't even commented on the several posts which suggest that you move out and continue to provide childcare in the family home.

You're upset that your children are angry

Is all that correct? To summarise you don't want to be labelled as adulterous, so you blame your husband instead. You want him to leave even though you've turned his and your kids lives upside down, because it suits you better financially?

What a piece of work

I guess I just hoped in a really stupid way, that because it was me realising I was gay that at some point we would have found a way to make this work by now.

You didn't end it with him because you realised you were gay. You ended it because you wanted to jump into a relationship with someone else.

The gay bit is totally irrelevant. If it was another man you were involved with it would be just the same.

Just the same as if your husband had an affair with another woman.

You've had the affair, you've broken up the family, you've got to take the responsibility that goes with it, along with the housing and financial struggles.

Tough.

There are a few points that have been missed in the last few posts despite me addressing them over and over again
We didn’t “ fall in love “
The other woman told me she was falling in love with me and I told her we needed to have space and to work on her own marriage.
I had no contact with her at all for 6 whole months; in which time I told my husband I was confused about having gay feelings and wasn’t sure what this meant.
He said he didn’t mind what I did outside of the marriage as long as it was women and not men.
I didn’t want to live like this, mainly as I felt it wouldn’t be fair on him - that wasn’t the marriage he signed up for.
I had counselling to come to terms with the fact I was gay.
At this point he seemed to accept it - maybe because she wasn’t in the picture, I wasn’t going out as was in a depressed way really looking back.
I had no family support and felt very lonely through it all.
It was only after he got angry and told the children, his friends and family that he then calmed down as we were amicable for a while in which time she had got in contact to ask how I was and we began to meet.
This was AFTER I had separated with him.
But him suspecting this was what was happening I guess showed him there was no going back for us and that’s why it got bad again; lots of upset etc.
Regardless of me not wanting to be with their dad; I am not leaving my children behind.
I am happy to cohabit and never introduce them to her until they are 18 and make their own decisions.
I am happy to only go out 1 night a week if he wants to go out 6.
But I am not leaving my children - leaving a husband does NOT mean leaving my children.

* But I am not leaving my children - leaving a husband does NOT mean leaving my children.*

This is just not true. You can’t have it both wars (forgive the pun). My XH kept saying this when he chose to shag his secretary, but that’s not how the DCs or the world sees it.

You’re not a hapless creature with no agency. You chose this path and you need to deal with the consequences.