Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

It’s a very difficult situation. However, you need to let the guilt go now - you didn’t mistake your sexuality on purpose, and relationships end - everyone will survive.

I can see you can’t move out, but what you have to do is formally stop living as a couple.

And what you also have to do is increase your income - urgently - I understand your son has care needs, but you’ve got to find something that can work for him, so you can earn more and have a future.

Is there an attic or anything you can convert to a bedroom? (I’m assuming you don’t have 4 bedrooms?) - you’ve got to sort out something so you have separate sleeping arrangements and everyone understands that you are house sharing but not married.

You also need to start divorce proceedings. It’s utterly humiliating to be told your partner is gay, it will feel to your husband as if your whole marriage is a lie. However you didn’t do it on purpose, and what he can’t do is play happy families - it won’t do anyone any good.

You need to stop having him tell you how to live you life, as a weird form of atonement. The situation is what it is - even if you are still living together you can formally separate and start living life.

Getting a better paid job is crucial - it’s the only way to have choices.

It's not really an answer, but if you have time listen to the 'husband in law' podcast.

It's made by a woman and 2 men, Jessica, Steve and Matt.

Jessica and Steve used to be married and they had a child together, they had a great relationship. Then Steve realised he was gay, but tried for a long time to stay in the marriage. In the end they divorced but stayed on good terms and parent their child together really well.

Matt kind of hosts it, and he is Jessica's new husband. They all get on beautifully and it isn't at all weird.

Go back to the beginning and listen. They have some really insightful and honest conversations. And it may help you to process everything that's going on.

Oh - and go see citizens advice - if you formally separate, although you’re living in the same house - you may be entitled to claim credit.

Also agree with a PP, why on earth should your DH move out? You can move out and still provide the same level of childcare you do now? Excuse after excuse. Tell the truth OP, you just want your husband gone so you can live your best life whilst he pays the price for your affair whilst he supplements your income for the privilege. Not going to happen. Move out.

@smoko

Maybe you could try something different - from now on, no more cancelling plans to pacify his moods. If you're truly separated, he shouldn't get to tell you where you can be. Just like you can't tell him where he can/can't go.

What do you think would happen if you just went out anyway?

Having you feel guilty is exactly where your husband wants you to be.
It sounds like he is holding onto whatever little control he has over you & the situation using your guilt.

To be fair to him on this front it's a bit shit that he suddenly just has to do all the childcare while she goes off to spend time with her girlfriend.

That's why they need to separate and have formal childcare arrangements.

It's not fair to just expect him to pick up the slack.

A change of heart in what way?
I cannot live with my GF, she has children too and that would be very unfair on them for me to suddenly be living there.
There is anger there too because this is the reason their dad left the home, her realising she was gay.
We haven’t even met each other’s children as said in my last post because both men involved said absolutely not so we respected that.

I’m actually don’t want him to move out at all.
The children would be devastated and blame me for that too so why would I want it?
I just don’t know how to navigate through this when he’s so upset and angry a year on that’s all.
We already sleep separately - I sleep on a sofa bed in the living room and have done since last Christmas.

@girlmom21 the way I interpreted it, the husband takes issue with OP going out, even if she is not seeing her GF

Is he to never have time alone looking after his kid ? Is she to never leave the house with him & dad alone anymore? That doesn't seem reasonable.

[quote smoko]@girlmom21 the way I interpreted it, the husband takes issue with OP going out, even if she is not seeing her GF

Is he to never have time alone looking after his kid ? Is she to never leave the house with him & dad alone anymore? That doesn't seem reasonable.[/quote]
I guess he probably doesn't believe that she's not going to see the girlfriend.

Of course he should have time looking after his own children but they need clear boundaries.

They both look after the children at set times and both have set free time to themselves. Neither of them get to ask where the other is or who they're with if they're separated.

He was hoping they'd still live as a married couple for the sake of the kids which clearly can't happen.

I am not entitled to any benefits living together because they take the whole income into account.

This isn’t true, OP. You can claim benefits from the moment you decide to separate. I work in welfare rights law and have also been in exactly your position myself.

I did exactly what you are doing now. In fact, you could be me writing this six years ago.

You are doing the right thing. This is the hardest time. It is going to be ok.

I left dh because of the realisation that I was gay, which I wasn’t able to ignore after meeting someone - no cheating.
I had always known it on some level but it was not deliberately manipulative to marry him. Some people replying here are very black and white and have no understanding of what it’s like to grow up in a homophobic family and culture, desperately trying to be something you’re not and believing that the world will fall apart if you come out, also believing there’s something fundamentally wrong with who you are. Add to that all the rhetoric that sexuality is fluid and can change, that you can be attracted to a person and not their sex. etc etc and like I did, you can convince yourself that you can have a healthy marriage with a man because you love him. And I did love my ex. Still do, just not in a partner way.

After I left I had the gradual realisation that there was emotional abuse in the relationship. That the marriage wasn’t as good as I thought it was and it wasn’t just a case of me selfishly blowing a decent marriage apart.

My ex and I are friends. We have approx 60/40 shared care but are very flexible. The children are happy. Neither of us is in a relationship with anyone else. I’m out and it isn’t a big deal.

Also have a child with additional needs who now says he can’t remember us ever living together and he was nine when we separated! I think your son will be stabilised more easily if you move out and have a consistent pattern. Your h needs to stop putting his emotional distress onto your son.

What I did re moving out was find a private landlord who would accept me with a guarantor. I was lucky that a friend would act as guarantor for me and so did my ex.
I claimed benefits a couple of months before I physically moved out. This is absolutely legal.

Also, don’t move out if you can help it as it’s better to remain in the family home for your children’s sake.

I moved out of the home I shared with ex h as the house was being sold anyway (rented) and we needed to move regardless. He moved out a few weeks later.

Family courts tend to look unfavourably on leaving the family home so if you can remain there to provide stability for dc, do.

I do not recommend continuing to share with ex h. The few months we spent living together having decided to separate were the pits. Once I moved out, life improved for all of us.

Yes he takes issue with me being out at all unless it’s very clear where I am such as a friend collecting me in their car from outside etc
I have said that I am of course very happy to have 2 evenings and he can have 5 as I would generally only see her 1 evening anyway when her children go to their dads and use the other evening to see a friend now and again but he doesn’t want to go out at all so then any request I make seems unreasonable to him.
He says I’m a negligent mother leaving the children with him to see her - I do keep saying if we didn’t live together then he would have certain days with the children and wouldn’t know if I was in or out but this makes no difference as he just repeats he isn’t leaving and he doesn’t actually want me to leave either.
He wants his wife back and I can’t do that without pretending I’m not gay.
That does sound selfish I know.

I think you should leave and let your husband and children maintain the status quo. You can live nearby and still provide after school care, or make arrangements for that if you now have to work more to afford separate lives.

I might have missed this but you can formally separate whilst living in the same home as your stbxh and claim universal credit. If your home is rented you can presumably claim for half of the rent and consequently separate your finances.

If you can't work additional hours because you no longer drive 'his' car, why is that his car? If it was bought whilst you were still a couple then it is a joint marital asset and half yours. Did he pay you half of the value? If it is on finance and there is equity in it then he should have paid you half of the equity and essentially bought you out of the car. Only if it is leased or provided by his company would it be entirely his car.

You need to think about this practically. You have x amount to pay for your half share of the rent and y sum for 50% of the bills, get in touch with the benefits office and make a claim for support based on your wages. You should also need to claim child maintenance from him your labour is as valuable to the family as his.

He is using his financial power to hold you in an untenable position basically to punish you regardless of whether that if understandable or not due to him feeling betrayed.

He has to be made to realise that you are no longer his wife and he cannot control who you see or what you do. The more financial control you take over your own life the less you will feel beholden to him because he pays for everything.

You are not the first person to break up a family, there are a million and one reasons why relationships break down. Just because yours was due to realising that you are gay doesn't mean you should have to be punished for evermore.

Pp's are right he is not acting in the DC's best interests. If he were he would have sat down with you discussed the practicalities of the situation and come to an agreement as to how to move forward. He's had a full year to come to terms with this situation.

No one likes to be cheated on or even feel that they were cheated on but most adults will experience this at least once in their lifetime and they learn to move on with life and see that things change.

His demand that you keep the status quo going for another 3-4 years is unrealistic. Can I ask whether you are still doing all the other 'wife work'? Does he wash his own clothes, make his own dinners, clean up after himself and do half of the general household work? If not they as I said before your contribution towards the running of the house has to be treated as important as his job and earned income.

Perhaps sit down and make a list of everything you do that benefits everyone in the household and how long it takes and show him precisely what your unpaid contribution to the running of a home is and how much it would be worth if you were even paid minimum wage for it.

I'm fairly sure you have probably kept up your role as main childcare cleaner cook and chief organiser throughout the year so as not to rock the boat anymore. He has to be made to understand that your work is worth as much as his, many people really don't appreciate just how much value this adds to everyone's lives and how much it would cost to replace it.

You should also start separating your time, you are no longer a couple you are to cohabiting parents with separate lives to live. He can't call all the shots just because he earns more money.

If you stop facilitating his life then I would imagine that he will realise that him moving into another property nearby and seeing the DC with a properly agreed schedule would be the best for everyone concerned.

Op
I think you're being very naieve about the financial side of things. The dust will settle and your husband will talk to other people who will point out that he is under no obligation to pay your share of the rent if ye are no longer married.. you children are no longer very young and any court will expect you to support your self . You will be entitled to child maintenance and half the marital assets so will have that.

You are leaving yourself so incredibly vulnerable here and I would look to sort a new job more hours Asap.

Will he go to counselling? Maybe you could go together.

He's really struggling to come to terms with the end of your marriage and he needs to understand that the marriage is over.

Neither of you are doing what's right for the children right now.

@WouldBeGood

I think you should leave and let your husband and children maintain the status quo. You can live nearby and still provide after school care, or make arrangements for that if you now have to work more to afford separate lives.

Yep, this, if living with your girlfriend is not an option.

He won’t attend counselling.
I’ve asked numerous times.
There are no assets.
I don’t expect him to pay the rent for my hair hence looking into a universal top up until my job situation can change.
I do work 30 hours a week - it’s just because it’s term time only that it’s less.
He wants me to keep this job so that childcare isn’t an issue.
The car is his; on finance which he pays for solely; I was just an additional driver and paid for any petrol I used.

TBH I don’t believe it’s appropriate to introduce children to new partners while both parents are still living under the same roof. I don’t actually think it’s appropriate to start dating then but to each their own I suppose.

But introducing a new partner while the parents are still living together is a no-no IMO. And yes, I speak as someone who lived with my ex for 8 months post split while we sorted finances etc. We had separate bedrooms and did things separately with the DC, but the DC still considered us to be a family while we were still living under the same roof, even though they knew we weren’t together as a couple any more. Bringing a new partner into the mix would have just made things incredibly difficult for the DC.

In terms of not being able to leave, tbh you don’t really have a choice. If your H decided tomorrow that he wanted out then that’s exactly what would have to happen. It would be far better for you to get your own finances sorted before he makes that decision for you and you’re left with limited choices.

You were married, all income is seen as jointly earned so he doesn't have his money and you don't have yours they are both shared. Any pensions are joint, any savings are joint, any assets are joint. You have to understand this is how it works in a divorce.

You would benefit from getting some advice to see what you are entitled to which will then enable you to make a plan to move forward.

You took a part time term time only job to benefit your children (DS in particular) you deserve to be compensated for that financial hit you've taken.

When you are separating from someone you need to remember that you are no longer a couple or a team you have to look out for yourself and your dc going forward. There is no room for emotion in this and no room for guilt these are practical decisions.

He can't control everything. He can't insist you stay, insist you live as a married couple, insist you don't earn any more, insist you continue to do all of the childcare, insist you get no free time, insist you keep the same job, insist you contribute more.

This isn't going to work with you staying there together.

He's going to resent you. It's only natural for him to be angry and upset but he needs to let the relationship go and if he's not willing to go to counselling you have no choice.
You can't live together.

He can’t throw me out though as it’s a joint tenancy.
I don’t think he would do this because of the childcare issues but I have submitted a universal credits claim which may help me support the household.
I earn £900 a month currently so would have 0p left if I paid half the rent but perhaps with help I’ll be able to pay half of a few things.

readastherose
Sadly there are NO assets at all on either side.
All of our money over the last 15 years has been spent on rent and bills really.
So there is nothing to split.