Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

I didn’t want to live like this, mainly as I felt it wouldn’t be fair on him - that wasn’t the marriage he signed up for.

But none of it is what he signed up for.
Co-habiting but being separate isn't what he signed up for.
He gave you an option - be with him and her - but you chose not to do that, understandably.
That's what he's angry at.

No outcome of this whole situation is fair on him.

If you're still doing his washing & cooking then you're not really separated.

Have you actually filed for divorce or sought legal advice on your situation?

@WorriedWilma123

There are a few points that have been missed in the last few posts despite me addressing them over and over again We didn’t “ fall in love “ The other woman told me she was falling in love with me and I told her we needed to have space and to work on her own marriage. I had no contact with her at all for 6 whole months; in which time I told my husband I was confused about having gay feelings and wasn’t sure what this meant. He said he didn’t mind what I did outside of the marriage as long as it was women and not men. I didn’t want to live like this, mainly as I felt it wouldn’t be fair on him - that wasn’t the marriage he signed up for. I had counselling to come to terms with the fact I was gay. At this point he seemed to accept it - maybe because she wasn’t in the picture, I wasn’t going out as was in a depressed way really looking back. I had no family support and felt very lonely through it all. It was only after he got angry and told the children, his friends and family that he then calmed down as we were amicable for a while in which time she had got in contact to ask how I was and we began to meet. This was AFTER I had separated with him. But him suspecting this was what was happening I guess showed him there was no going back for us and that’s why it got bad again; lots of upset etc. Regardless of me not wanting to be with their dad; I am not leaving my children behind. I am happy to cohabit and never introduce them to her until they are 18 and make their own decisions. I am happy to only go out 1 night a week if he wants to go out 6. But I am not leaving my children - leaving a husband does NOT mean leaving my children.

OP, I give up. As others have said, your emotional intelligence is very low and your complete lack of self-awareness or willingness to take responsibility for the situation is quite frankly, astonishing.

I understand this isn’t what he signed up for but I was honest and that’s all I felt I could be.
He wasn’t coping being together in a relationship knowing how I felt so I honestly felt I did the best by him.
Letting him go broke my heart, I love him but I know I can’t spend my life pretending I’m not gay without being really mentally down all the time.
I don’t do his washing or cooking.
By the time he comes home I’ve already cooked for myself and the children and he does his and on weekends he cooks for him and the children I do my own.
Washing he does his own and I do mine and the children’s.
Everything in the house is split.

But I am not leaving my children - leaving a husband does NOT mean leaving my children.

You can't continue living in the same house though. You've already said how angry your son is. He's left with massive uncertainty- not knowing what his future life will look like.

Do it properly, get benefits advice, legal advice and it's likely you'll need to go to court to decide who has the children and when. It's not fair to your husband for you to break the marriage up and then dictate what happens with both of your children.

@smoko

If husband realised tomorrow he was trans & would undergo gender reassignment surgery, would that make your marriage work OK?

Or do you just really like the OW?

Bit of a pointless post, and not sure you realise what a lesbian is 😐

So you all think I should just pretend not to be gay, stay with a man when I’m attracted to women and live like that until when?
The kids are older or forever?
Honestly?

I’m not dictating what happens with the children!
His job means he couldn’t do the wrap around care like I do so by one of us leaving he would go down to evenings on days he’s home before 9/10pm and weekends and he doesn’t want that, hence why we are trying to cohabit.

@WorriedWilma123

So you all think I should just pretend not to be gay, stay with a man when I’m attracted to women and live like that until when? The kids are older or forever? Honestly?

No, you need to leave and let the poor man heal and get on with his life.

@WorriedWilma123

So you all think I should just pretend not to be gay, stay with a man when I’m attracted to women and live like that until when? The kids are older or forever? Honestly?

No, we all think you should separate and one of you should move out of the family home so you can live completely separate lives and just co-parent.

@WorriedWilma123

I’m not dictating what happens with the children! His job means he couldn’t do the wrap around care like I do so by one of us leaving he would go down to evenings on days he’s home before 9/10pm and weekends and he doesn’t want that, hence why we are trying to cohabit.

You could pick the kids up from school, take them home and feed them and do bedtime and then leave when he's home from work.

Or he could adjust his working week so he only works late some days.

Or you could have the kids in the week and he can have them on the weekends, if he doesn't spend any time with them in the week anyway.

You could still provide wraparound care.

You need to properly separate and get a proper custody arrangement.

A marriage breakup is really hard, the logistics are a nightmare and it's financially shit but you've got to do it. It's not fair on anyone in the family to be living this false life.

@girlmom21 OP doesn't want that, despite in being the most obvious solution. She wants the house too and for DH to leave, despite being the one to break up the family.

Can you imagine if this was a man and he came on here and said 'ive had an affair l but don't want to move out because the wife earns more. Can't get her to leave though, so I just live in the house she pays for and see the OW on the side'. Grim

@ShatteredDream sorry, in hindsight that comment was in poor taste, as do understand there is stigma against lesbians for not wanting to date transwomen (as is their right)

Also misread the thread & thought OP was doing washing/cooking for husband, but that is not the case, whoops!

@Autumndays123 I know. This is what I'm trying to get through to her. He's struggling. He doesn't want to lose his kids, completely understandably.

She's saying she can't leaving because of wraparound childcare but there are so many solutions that don't include forcing everyone to live in a miserable household - including the children. I don't know why people think a miserable household is more stable for children than two happier households.

But I can’t afford another place.
Thats the biggest issue.
If I could afford even a studio flat I would happy provide all the childcare and then leave once the kids were in bed.
Anyway I’ve done what I can in the way of hopefully being entitled to some benefits unless they think my wage is enough to contribute towards the rent and bills which will leave me with 0p and not any money for food so hopefully it doesn’t go that way.
I don’t want or expect him to pay for me and will do all I can to pay my way whilst having a job that fits around the children that he wants me to keep to give our son the stability he’s always had.

@WorriedWilma123

But I can’t afford another place. Thats the biggest issue. If I could afford even a studio flat I would happy provide all the childcare and then leave once the kids were in bed. Anyway I’ve done what I can in the way of hopefully being entitled to some benefits unless they think my wage is enough to contribute towards the rent and bills which will leave me with 0p and not any money for food so hopefully it doesn’t go that way. I don’t want or expect him to pay for me and will do all I can to pay my way whilst having a job that fits around the children that he wants me to keep to give our son the stability he’s always had.

You won't be entitled if you're a married couple and he's also working full time. You need to move out then reapply. You could get a second weekend job if he had the kids at the weekends.

@WorriedWilma123

But I can’t afford another place. Thats the biggest issue. If I could afford even a studio flat I would happy provide all the childcare and then leave once the kids were in bed. Anyway I’ve done what I can in the way of hopefully being entitled to some benefits unless they think my wage is enough to contribute towards the rent and bills which will leave me with 0p and not any money for food so hopefully it doesn’t go that way. I don’t want or expect him to pay for me and will do all I can to pay my way whilst having a job that fits around the children that he wants me to keep to give our son the stability he’s always had.

Why is that your DHs problem if you can't afford another place? Why should he make sacrifices so your life is better?

This was AFTER I had separated with him.
But him suspecting this was what was happening I guess showed him there was no going back for us and that’s why it got bad again; lots of upset etc.
Regardless of me not wanting to be with their dad; I am not leaving my children behind.
I am happy to cohabit and never introduce them to her until they are 18 and make their own decisions.
I am happy to only go out 1 night a week if he wants to go out 6.
But I am not leaving my children - leaving a husband does NOT mean leaving my children.

You have so little self awareness and emotional maturity. And your meek and mild, faux naïveté mask is starting to slip a little more with each post.

You and your husband are not separated in any meaningful way. Not really. You still cohabit. You have no clear arrangements for the children, for living arrangements or for your finances. You aren’t prepared to leave but you can’t understand why he won’t go. You refuse to leave your kids but you want him to. But you don’t expect him to. But you do

The situation as it is does not serve anyone. You come out of it better than your husband and kids because you’ve got this exciting thing on the side with your new girlfriend, but it’s toxic and you can’t seriously expect your kids to deal with this until they reach adulthood. Them meeting her is neither here nor there. The fact that you’re in a new relationship but haven’t properly ended your marriage is what’s causing the damage.

So you all think I should just pretend not to be gay, stay with a man when I’m attracted to women and live like that until when?

Literally nobody has suggested this.

Autumndays
If this was an owned house, what you are saying makes perfect sense.
But it’s not.
We’ve been here 20 years and for the first 13 years we both paid 50/50.
It was then decided that I would stay at home when I had our daughter followed by my son and went back to work term time when our son started pre school.
This is why my money has been used for extras for the last 7 years because it’s minimal compared to his.
It isn’t his house, it isn’t my house, it’s a beige house we rent together.

Whether you can afford another place or not is a bit irrelevant too really.

Do what cheating husbands are expected to do. Go and stay with a friend, move back home. Sleep in your car..

And yes you have cheated.

@WorriedWilma123

So you all think I should just pretend not to be gay, stay with a man when I’m attracted to women and live like that until when? The kids are older or forever? Honestly?

No. As long as you are living in the same household, even just as roommates, you should not be dating. You can be gay while living with him, just don’t date. Start acting like an adult, figure out how to manage your household independently, get a co-parenting routine established and your kids comfortable with the new arrangement, and then once all of that is sorted out, you can think about starting to date again.

@WorriedWilma123

Autumndays If this was an owned house, what you are saying makes perfect sense. But it’s not. We’ve been here 20 years and for the first 13 years we both paid 50/50. It was then decided that I would stay at home when I had our daughter followed by my son and went back to work term time when our son started pre school. This is why my money has been used for extras for the last 7 years because it’s minimal compared to his. It isn’t his house, it isn’t my house, it’s a beige house we rent together.

Ok, it's no one's house and was paid 50/50 for years so why on earth should he have to leave? Can you really not see that? Seriously?

OP you desperately need to get some legal advice along with advice on any financial support available to you.

It's been a year and you are no further forward. The longer this cohabitation drags on , the more damaging it will be to you and your kids.

You need to do this part independently of your husband so that you can be clear on what actions you need to take to disentangle yourself from this arrangement and come up with a solution.

It's honestly absolutely doable but you can't wait or expect him to do anything to help you with this part.

But I have ended the marriage.
A whole year ago.
We haven’t been intimate since May 2020.
Everything is separate - all that can’t be right now is finanaces although we no longer have joint accounts - he pays the rent and bills and for his car and shopping and my money covers my food shopping and the children’s and everything else the kids need and want on a day to day basis, birthday gifts and Xmas gifts etc for the kids have all been bought with my money as after his outgoings per month there’s nothing left over.