Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

Thank you so much especially for that latest comment
I have been sleeping in the living room on a sofa bed ever since the split was final.
Sadly there is not enough money for any “ nesting “ arrangement currently but this will change as the children get older and I can work in a different job, not just one that fits around school runs etc.
The anger has actually been about me being gay more so than the other person involved because even when she was off the scene for 6 months I was unable to resume a “ normal marriage “
I have been told I’ve been groomed into being gay as she’s slightly older, that I cannot be gay as I have had sex with men and so on.
I am not meaning to feel sorry for myself at all - it’s the immense guilt I’m struggling with towards him but more so towards my children.
I just feel I’ve let them down.

Someone on another thread said universal credits is worth looking into.
He hates the fact he pays the rent and bills etc for my benefit so if this is true and I would be entitled to some help because I’m on a low wage; even just something towards the rent then the resentment about money may slightly reduce:
I don’t drive his car anymore etc so everything else is already split.

I think you are just going to have to accept they have a right to be angry and not get too caught up in the details or what they say they are angry about. Don’t get bogged down in that. Go with he general drift of the emotion and respond to that rather than in getting caught up in the thoughts and words.

Let it wash over you unless there is actual abusive behaviour or homophobia. They are very distressed in an uncomfortable and confusing situation, they are allowed to rail against the world a bit.

They are not going to be in a position to receive a discussion about the finer points of sexuality and relationships from your perspective at the moment. Perhaps never. You have no right to expect that from them and frankly it will only make things messier if you engage in that way.

Focus on the emotions not the words Receive the emotions, be there. You’re just going to have to take it and not argue back for the larger part. If it’s gets too much walk away rather than argue back. Accept that they are trying to make sense of this and just be an emotionally present bystander whilst they do that. Don’t let it turn into a deep seated hatred or anything though. Speak about your stuff to someone else not them. You need to be the supporter not the supported in this.

And also frankly, you have let them down. Embrace that and go about making it up to them in other ways as best you can. Stop grappling with the feeling of guilt, accept it and let it informs and empower your future actions. You have met them down but not irredeemably so go about redeeming yourself. No one has died.

Where guilt is useful is that it tells you were you have a feeling of responsibility or regret about something you’ve done and that points you towards putting it right as best you can and avoiding doing it again. Get on with that.

If you don’t use guilt as a spur to better action in the future then it can be a way of feeling sorry for yourself and keeping the emotional focus on you.

You do need some of your emotional focus to be on you, but you cannot expect any of their emotional focus.

Yes, you do have your own stuff to work through, and you are entitled to your feelings and to make that your focus at times. But do not do that in the context of your marriage or your relationship with children. Do it elsewhere. There are LGBT support groups for that. Or in friendships or even therapy.

I agree with a lot of comments on here, but one thing I would suggest is for you to look for an evening job.

I have assumed, that while your job, is part times round your kids, specifically your son school, your ex husband works during the day a sort of 9-5 mon-friday job, so it could be possible for you to get an evening job.

Its shit what has happened, but while i agree you have had an affair, I also don't think you can stay in a straight marriage while you are gay and you need to start thinking out of the box to get yourself out of there, it is not good for either of your children to have this hostile atmosphere in the house, your husband wont start healing, while you are in the same house and you will keep feeling under the weight of the world.

Your ex husband does not get to dictate what you do and he is going to have to get use to stepping up and looking after his kids a lot more, if you start off at 50/50 he is going to have to get childcare, take time off etc for his time, you are no longer a team and he needs to get use to that

turnthemintojelly, I mean for people like me being gay wasn't a big deal. We didn't agree with S28, and we thought that believing it to be a mental disorder was appalling. I had friends who were gay/bisexual, and it wasn't a huge moral issue for us. I was answering a comment that implied that some posters on here were being prejudiced. Any negative comments I made are not being made from that point of view but from the view that if you drop a bombshell into a relationship then there will be damage.

@Itsalmostanaccessory

Oh, FFS. He isnt abusive. She isnt feeling abuse.

This is a person who has found out that his spouse had an emotional affair and then left him to be with that person. Anyone who has been married and had children and then gets cheated on, lashes out and gets upset. He isnt abusive. The OP hid/lied about/ignored her sexuality, married a man, had children and then left him for someone else. He will be going through heartbreak and confusion and is losing the family he thought they built together. Life is going to look very different from here in out and that takes time to accept. He is allowed to grieve the loss of the life he thought he would have.

Women post on here all the time about their husband's affairs and they derail their reaction; shouting, begging, guit tripping. They get support and told that he deserves to hear how hurt she is etc. But a man doing it to a woman who cheated is called abusive. This sit can be disgusting sometimes.

OP, you had an emotional affair and now you've left your husband. You cant make that sound nice. You're hiding behind the romance of coming out and meeting this woman and things just clicking but it doesnt change what you did. An emotional affair, then leaving your husband for someone else. He is hurt. You're going to have to deal with that. It will pass.

You cannot carry on living with him just because his finances support you. You'll have to manage just like everyone else. You leave, you figure out your own housing problem and you come to an agreement about childcare. He is an involved and loving father and he isnt choosing to leave so please dont even think about taking the kids and only allowing limited access because you think they need you more or whatever. Even time. Do your absolute best to put their needs first and make sure they get even time with you both as much as possible.

He wants you to stay because he probably hopes for reconciliation. You know that you dont want that. Staying is cruel and will prevent him from healing and moving on. He deserves to meet someone else and be happy, just like you have.

You need to divorce. You need to leave the home and find somewhere else and sort out contact with the kids.

You've found the awakening love. That's great. But you dont get to have that and maintain your marriage and keep his financial support (child maintenance is different of course). You need to go out alone now and do the best you both can for your kids.

Well said.

Finding out your husband is having an affair is a shock and rocks your self esteem. It's more damaging than people realise. Go read some of the relationship threads. The man swans off with new girlfriend, leaving wife confused, wondering where he was all those times he phoned to say he was working late. The crippling self doubt, and all the lies cause damage of trust, which then affect all wife's future relationships, including unfortunately damaging how she treats her own children, and any future husband, because she's been robbed of trust.

Worse still, in OP's case the person left behind wonders if the whole relationship was a sham. Because the Person was gay.

Op lived a lie. The wife's of famous people who have done this : Philip schofield and rugby player Gareth Thomas left terrible destruction behind.

Those posters who say this thread has nothing to do with being gay, or worse still say this thread is homophobic, (which it's clearly not and the accusation makes me very cross) have no understanding at all - not only is the affair bad, but because there is the secondary issue of being gay - this does double damage to the partner left behind.

Op continues to post in a very self absorbed way. She seems emotionally very immature and unable to process a lot of emotional growth. She lacks the insight to analyse her own conduct and I suspect progress emotionally will be very slow. She should probably start counselling asap.

I've read through all your updates and one of you needs to leave, even if it's just temporary.

If you need to go and stay with your girlfriend then do.

Suggest to him that you go to counselling together to learn how to live together as co-parents.

He's angry and confused and it's not benefitting your children to live as you are at the moment.

You can stay and live together but you can't do it as a married couple.

Maybe you agree to not date while you're living together - maybe you don't. That's something for you to work out.

But right now it's not healthy for the children and you need to find a way to both do what's best for them. That doesn't mean fake who you are. You can't continue to have sex with a man you don't want to touch. It's much more likely to mean completely separating your lives no matter how difficult that sounds.

Oblomov21
I don’t know where you’re getting the emotional immaturity level from.
I told him the minute I felt confused.
I then broke contact with her for 6 months and realised I couldn’t make the marriage work.
I told him this and from here on this is what I’ve been dealing with.
I understand you say about the destruction left behind but I’m unsure what else I could have done apart from completely pretend I hadn’t realised I’m gay.
Girlmom,
We do live separately in the house as it stands but maybe if I’m paying towards things that will feel more separate too.
For the poster who said about getting an evening job, he can work at all different ends of the county for his job so sometimes doesn’t make it home until 9-10pm.
I had thought about a night job as would pay more than the job role I’m in and means I could still do the school runs however I’ve applied to many and no luck yet.
Because I don’t have his car anymore I’m also quite limited to where I can work as public transport is dire where we are so I walk or ride to get around.

I think you should ignore the posts insisting you had an affair and saying it doesn’t matter it’s a woman. I was similar in that I told my husband about my “intense friendships” because I didn’t understand what it was. Acknowledging your own confusing feelings is not an affair. I stand by my previous assertion that you should let go of this woman in particular and focus on your own personal growth.

You need to practically move forward. It’s going to take several years of hard work to move on. You can’t control him, so the work must come from you. Becoming more financially independent, seeking alternative solutions for your son’s care, etc etc. It will be slow and painful, and you still seem to be seeking a solution that doesn’t require this intense personal work. Many many people stay together simply because they don’t want to do the work it takes to become independent.

Something I haven’t seen addressed is why is your son so aware of his father’s feelings? Are you two openly discussing this stuff in front of him? Why weren’t these huge marital issues kept from him until some stability was reached? If your husband is making no attempt to provide an emotionally stable environment for your son, it’s not your son he’s worried about, despite wanting you to stay and provide care. The children’s emotional involvement in this needs to be the first thing addressed. Both take a step back, provide them an emotionally stable environment and counselling, while each privately doing the personal work necessary to move on.

There have been no arguments in front of the children but he decided to tell the children this time last year as he didn’t want to come to my parents house for Christmas which I completely understand.
I guess it seemed to the kids that it was my fault their Christmas had to be different ( although I wouldn’t take the children away on Christmas Day from their dad so instead went to my parents Boxing Day for 2 days )
and have since seen him upset or at times questioning where I’m going.
Things can seem amicable when the kids are around and even times that I’m at home for the evening etc but me going anywhere at all brings it all back to the surface.
I understand it must be so hard for him to see me go out and wonder if it’s her I’m meeting but it makes me feel like I’m having a sordid affair when we’ve actually been separated for an entire year, he just won’t accept it.
I think I was very stupid looking back thinking that just because it was a realisation that I was gay, that we would be able to navigate through it together when actually as some posters have said, he’s lost what he thought his life looked like and although I often have those feelings too it’s been my choice not his so I do validate them.
I’m really not afraid of hard work - I just feel so guilty.

I think it's because at the end of the day, it's just an OW situation like any other. You've had your head turned, got the rush of hormones & seeing this as "true love" - your marriage was presumably just you living the "right" kind of life, going through the motions, doing what society wanted, etc.... It's all the same things anyone would think/feel in the throes of an emotional or physical affair.

Also maybe because you sound like you're ruminating over seeing your only option as him leaving the home. When that doesn't seem to be a viable option here.

You have to work with what you can do - you keep saying "I can't do this or that" - but what CAN you do to get out of your situation? You could

• Declare yourself homeless then try for a council house
• Find a flatshare on Gumtree, et al
• Move in with your GF

These seem to be your main options right now. This has been going on for a year now, surely you must have some kind of idea how you're going to get out of this situation!

It seems all your current options are things you don't like the sound of, so you want to stay put until things are solved for you.

That doesn't sound very emotionally mature.

@WorriedWilma123

Hivemindneeded It wasn’t a genital urge though - I realised I couldn’t be in a straight marriage anymore. That was nothing to do with anything with her - nothing at all had even happened with her by that point actually. I did consider waiting until the children were adults to tell him I was gay but thought he may be more upset and angry if he realised I had been pretending for years so thought I was being selfless in this respect. I understand it doesn’t look like that though.

I do sympathise with this. That's more complicated than infidelity. It's just... children have no choice. Whatever the two of you decide to do, I sincerely hope you both put them first.

No it’s because all of those options involve leaving my 2 children behind knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to provide the day to day care for our son.
I’ve tried to do the right thing by all the kids involved by not stepping on toes etc as in moving in with her.
He’s got the option to leave financially but won’t that’s the only difference and this isn’t “ our “ home - it’s rented so I don’t understand why he wants to stay living here when he hates me a lot most days.
But it’s my doing I understand that so will just have to make sure things are as separate as possible until the children are old enough for me to change jobs etc.

I want desperately to put the children first.
I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a way or doing that even though I’m gay.
We haven’t met each other’s children at all despite this being a year in because both dads have said no - we honestly have tried to be respectful of their wishes.

I also want to say your husband doesn't come off as sounding great here either.

Is he actually trying to temper his emotions & hide this from the children at all?

Even in situations where people are cheated on & have horrible things happen, good parents will try to hide their emotions from the children so they aren't affected by it.

It sounds like he had a strop last Xmas & if am right every time you leave he gets upset & your children witnessing his upset?

That makes him not a good parent & doesn't have their best interests.

If I were you & didn't want to leave then I would tell him you're separated & you'll see who you like. Personally wouldn't agree to not see your new girlfriend to save his feelings.

Yes that runs the risk he could blow up in front of the kids & upset them more... however if they already are aware of the situation then maybe the damage is already done.

This last post is how I’m feeling.
It’s been very hard being separated for a year but still having to not go out on occasions depending how he’s feeling at the time.
He does make an effort not to display the feelings in front of the children but he has been visibly upset and annoyed at points which I’ve then just seemed to do whatever I can to pacify even if that means cancelling all my plans whether they’ve been with her or not - lots haven’t so I’ve lost a few friends along the way as I’ve had to cancel on them sometimes at the very last minute.

@WorriedWilma123

I want desperately to put the children first. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s a way or doing that even though I’m gay. We haven’t met each other’s children at all despite this being a year in because both dads have said no - we honestly have tried to be respectful of their wishes.

Maybe the only solution to change things is to stop pussyfooting around them then. If it has been a year, then you could presumably be introduced as your GF's friend easily. There is no law saying people can't introduce whoever they like to their kids.

Yes in good co-parenting relationships you will take the ex's wishes into consideration - but you don't need to dance to their tune either.

At some point you do need to let the guilt go, what's happened has happened & look to move on to how you want things to be.

How would you feel if another year goes by & nothing has changed?

Maybe you could try something different - from now on, no more cancelling plans to pacify his moods. If you're truly separated, he shouldn't get to tell you where you can be. Just like you can't tell him where he can/can't go.

What do you think would happen if you just went out anyway?

Having you feel guilty is exactly where your husband wants you to be.
It sounds like he is holding onto whatever little control he has over you & the situation using your guilt.

OP if I was in your husband’s situation I would be hugely angry and feel frankly humiliated that the person who supposedly loved me and wanted me actually just hadn’t realized they were gay and not into me at all. I would likely not be very rational about the whole thing. So I understand your partner’s feelings here. BUT that doesn’t mean he’s right and it doesn’t mean his plan is a good plan. Your plan of him moving out makes sense financially but you can’t force him to do it unless his behavior gets extreme. Let’s take the fact you’ve recently realized you’re gay out of the equation and look at the rest. You’re no longer interested in a sexual relationship with your husband. He is trying to force you to pretend everything is fine but clearly the marriage is over for you. There’s not enough money to make two households that ressemble what you have had as a couple. And your son needs more supervision that most 10year olds and doesn’t cope well with organized childcare or clubs. Your husband has more power than you in the situation because he earns a greater share of the family money. There are no assets. OP, you need to make more money. Could you try to add a zero-hours type contract where you do some weekend work? Or even just a steady job one weekend day every weekend could work. It would mean your husband is in charge of the kids alone on a regular basis and everyone will get used to that. And you will be spending less time with your husband which needs to happen so that he can start letting go of the relationship. And you will have more money to start looking at renting a flat. Also, can you try a club or something for your son? So not necessarily organized childcare, but some activity that is supervised by adults and doesn’t require parents to be present - something he enjoys that will keep him busy and out of trouble afterschool some days - is there anything at school or his next school that would fit the bill? School sports teams? Drama club? Stuff the school organises or hosts is often more affordable than private activities and clubs.

OP if your son has ADHD is he medicated? If not, could you look into getting him on Ritalin so he's more compliant for childcarers?

I know it's not ideal to look at just drugging your kids, but it seems your son's childcare is actually the main problem here.

@WorriedWilma123

No it’s because all of those options involve leaving my 2 children behind knowing full well he wouldn’t be able to provide the day to day care for our son. I’ve tried to do the right thing by all the kids involved by not stepping on toes etc as in moving in with her. He’s got the option to leave financially but won’t that’s the only difference and this isn’t “ our “ home - it’s rented so I don’t understand why he wants to stay living here when he hates me a lot most days. But it’s my doing I understand that so will just have to make sure things are as separate as possible until the children are old enough for me to change jobs etc.

Just because you don't live in the same home as your child, this doesn't preclude you from providing care for them! Indeed, it is absolutely expected that NRP spend a good chunk of time with their children.

Surely the solution that makes sense is:

You move in with new partner and continue to provide the wraparound care for your children as needed, either in their home, or in your new home. They do not have to sleep there!

You work with your partner rather than your ex husband to manage the finances around your accommodation and your needs.

Your ex DH claims child related benefits and you pay him maintenance, so that he can continue to maintain the family home for the children, and keep things as stable for them as possible.

I literally cannot see a drawback to this for anyone!
Your DC keep their stability
You get to live with your partner
Your exH doesn't have to share a home with someone who cheated on him, or financially support them.
He continues to financially support and home the children
You continue to see the children, and provide the wrap around supervision that you consider your DS still needs.

Everyone is happy!

Why would you not do this?

OP's "emotional immaturity" I was talking about the way you post, your thought processes, the fact you don't seem to have grasped many of the basics that's posters are pointing out to you. Which seems odd.
And the fact you haven't had a change of heart, or taken on the enormity of this situation, in your recent posts.

Agree with most others. OP you were cheating, own it and yes that does make you selfish and self centered. I'm shocked that people are saying your DH is emotionally abusive! You've completely turned his world upside down, of course he is a bit all over the place. You really gave him play by play of your growing feelings for this woman? I'm sorry OP but that is seriously lacking in empathy and very cruel. Much more abusive than anything you've said about your husband here, despite the fact you're trying to dress it up as a him problem.

I'm not surprised your 10 year old is annoyed. If you were my mother and tried to minimise your behaviour to the extent you were almost blaming my father, I wouldn't want anything to do with you.