Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

[WorriedWilma123]

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

@weddingdilemmma

Usually because the man earns more due to the woman doing the bulk of the childcare then the man typically moves out because they can afford to and then woman can’t.

But if he moved out, you couldn't afford the rent? Or do you mean he should move out and continue to pay the rent?

You've already said it's an expensive property so surely if you're the one struggling financially it makes sense for you to rent somewhere cheaper?

Can you imagine a woman posting here saying he husband has been having an EA with another man, is now in a full blown relationship with him but wants her to either continue living together as one big happy family, or better still for her to move out and leave him with the property and kids?

The OP is saying that if her husband moved out then she can claim UC and other benefits, and not have to increase working hours either. Then she can afford the house. That's why she wants to get rid of him.

It's a shockingly selfish and entitled way of handling things.

I don't think OP wants genuine advice. I think she was expecting everyone to give her a pat on the back. I suspect she will drag things out and make life unbearable for her husband until he gives up and moves out.

Can't believe OP is getting such hard time here. She doesn't earn to look after DS which enables her husband to have his job, which actually makes childcare very difficult (getting home at 9-10 pm sometimes) and have financial power over her! I understand the heartache, I really do, but he is a prick, He should also proactively search for solutions, not just block all yours while relying on you doing childcare and keeping you trapped. What happened happened there is no changing your life backwards. Why doesn't he pick up childcare so that OP can earn more and leave? You need to be human in most horrible situations; millions of marriages break down and people hurt, so what!?

I think OP got some good advice up the thread but then the thread was overpowered by - I don't even know who these people are? - moral bigots? I left my husband and realised years after that he was a narcissistic twat and economically abused me. And also in other ways. I am still finding out.

Yes, I was the guilty party but I was so unhappy I was thinking of hanging myself. Sleeping with someone else was less messy than suicide with a 3 year old in tow. Anyway, said husband proceeded to forget about our son. They have no relationship. He is entirely self-focused.

Yet, at some point, I could have written your post, OP (without the gay part) about how loving he is, how I hurt him, how guilty I was, how I hurt my son by depriving him of family and also, how trapped I was. It eventually worked out. It wasn't pretty - such situations rarely are.

People on here don't seem to know life actually, - read too much cheap literature?

OP, quit the guilt. Wait it out, it will change. Things always change. Talk to people who went through similar

@Outlyingtrout

people clearly don’t understand what a life of denial and forcing yourself to live a heterosexual life that deep down you don’t want (but are terrified to acknowledge) does to a person. I’ve lived through it (fortunately realised before getting to the point of marriage or kids)

I'm sure it's very, very difficult. I also think that some posters do not understand what it feels like to be married to someone who subsequently, after years of marriage and children, discovers that they are gay. Some of us have experience of that side of the coin - either personally or because it has affected close family members - and it is uniquely damaging in its own way.

This If you enter a heterosexual relationship and have children and realise you are gay down the line, when the realisation comes, it is not all about you and your right to be 'true to yourself'. There are probably very valid reasons why the situation has evolved but you can not deny the very really issues this raises for the partner which is mostly overlooked.

I don't know how I managed then as I worked full time despite having 2 kids, where one has a chronic health condition and the other has ASD. I had to work as we needed the money, and we had to make compromises such as where we lived. That is the reality for many families. Sorry OP but I genuinely don't know how you think you are going to sort out your problem but somewhere along the line you are going to have to bite the bullet and make a tough decision. And working full time might be the answer.

*The OP is saying that if her husband moved out then she can claim UC and other benefits, and not have to increase working hours either. Then she can afford the house. That's why she wants to get rid of him.

It's a shockingly selfish and entitled way of handling things.

I don't think OP wants genuine advice. I think she was expecting everyone to give her a pat on the back. I suspect she will drag things out and make life unbearable for her husband until he gives up and moves out.*

But I thought it was a rented property? If so, why would she get more UC and benefits living in that rented house than she would if she moved out and rented elsewhere?

Completely agree with the rest of your post. It's almost like she thought playing the gay card would absolve her of all responsibility and that her ex would give her all the support she feels entitled to (both financially and emotionally)

Just to answer one question that keeps arising.
The only reason it would make more practical sense for him to move out, even when if he moved into the house next door - it is NOT about wanting him to leave this house or see his children less, I physically cannot get a studio flat or any sort of accommodation because my wages are so low whereas because I’m already in this one UC would take over to some extent - I do keep adding that I do already work 30 hours a week.
It’s for no other reason other than he has the choice in property and I have no choice.
But as everyone has said that this is my fault, not his and that’s right:
So the changes have to come from me BUT i can’t make changes if he won’t amend his working pattern as I’m unable to get extra work when he doesn’t get home until 9/10pm and works every 3rd weekend.
He doesn’t want me to live separately as then knows on some days he wouldn’t see the children at all and I’ve been respectful of that so have tried not to rock the boat.
I will do all I can going forward and am looking at ways to make changes.
I’m honestly heartbroken I’ve upset him but more so my son - I should have sat on this realisation until the children were adults 100% and I hold my hands up to that.
I just now don’t have a way back.

I physically cannot get a studio flat or any sort of accommodation because my wages are so low whereas because I’m already in this one UC would take over to some extent

I don't know much about benefits but it sounds like you're suggesting you'll get more UC if you stay in a larger/more expensive property?

If that's the case you're expecting all of us tax payers on this post to support you get more money out the system so you can continue to live in a more expensive property?

So you want to leave but can't financially afford to do so. Sounds like your DC would be ok staying in their home and getting a childminder or before/after school club. Many children do that. My 2 boys both with adhd had to do this as we both needed to work to pay mortgage. Your children will get used to it. If you leave and your Dh looks after the children you will have to pay him child maintenance so children don't suffer. No reason you and new partner can't sort yourselves out with accomodation.

People aren’t listening.
It’s not about UC paying more - it’s merely because I’m already IN the property so the landlord isn’t going to refuse UC whereas every other landlord in the entire world is.
Anyway we’ve had a further discussion and he is adamant he wants us to cohabit so that the living situation doesn’t have to change for the children.
He said this can be looked at again when the kids are slightly older but for now wants things to stay the same as in living arrangements.
He had spoken to the children and they also agreed with him so financially I’ll look into becoming more independent whilst I’m here with a view to when I can leaving as I don’t think it’s going to be a long term ideal for my ex H but understand why he wants it to be like this for the time being.

@WorriedWilma123 does he accept you can cohabit without being in a relationship?

Yes he acknowledges that for his sake and the children’s that the lines have to be much much clearer.

@WorriedWilma123 that sounds like a promising start and I hope it's something he sticks to this time.

I would start to prepare for what happens if he can't, though, so you're not stuck in the same situation for another year

How lovely that he is behaving like a grown up and putting his children's needs first. Can't be easy for him living with such utter rejection.

@hivemindneeded

How lovely that he is behaving like a grown up and putting his children's needs first. Can't be easy for him living with such utter rejection.

I agree. He sounds like a lovely man.

Not much advice but I understand how it feels. I'm married, married early at 22. Realised years later I am gay. Already have a DD. It's hard. I love dh so much but it's hard to realise that I'm stuck. Dh has an idea of me being gay because of the lack of sex. I have sex with him because I love him and want him to be happy but I really hate it. No advice just I get how it is.

@ufucoffee How does he sound lovely?

OP just updated saying basically husband has unilaterally decided she will stay in the home

& he then involved the children & asked them their opinion, which they of course said they want mum to stay.

Thereby involving his young kids in adult related issues regarding the separation & forcing them to weigh in on decisions they should not have to.

I agree the OP had an affair & is being closeminded about her options

But also feel the husband sounds like not a great parent. He's had his share of understanding to come to terms with the situation & still trying to control the OP to stay until the kids are 18.

He's told her they can revisit it later when the kids are older - sounds like case closed!

This whole situation sounds toxic for the children & like he is using them as a tool for emotional manipulation.

I’m honestly heartbroken I’ve upset him but more so my son - I should have sat on this realisation until the children were adults 100% and I hold my hands up to that.

I don’t think anybody thinks that. I don’t think you think that. Of course you shouldn’t have stayed until the kids were adults. Marriages break down all the time. Your mistake, and the thing that is probably causing the problems you are currently facing, was to enter into a new relationship before you made any practical arrangements to leave your marriage. Telling your husband it’s over is step one, not the whole thing done and dusted. You should have made sure you had agreements in place for the house, childcare, finances etc and were no longer living with your husband before you started up a new relationship. All the woe-is-me “I should have just stayed forever and pretended to be straight and never been happy” is just a way for you to avoid thinking about and accepting responsibility for the actual mistakes you made. Until you can do that, it’s unlikely you can salvage anything amicable with your husband. And given that you are expecting him to move out of his home of 20 years, sacrificing at least half (more, realistically) of his time with his children, and negotiate an outcome that benefits you as well as the children and himself, you need his goodwill. The way you’ve treated him and continue to treat him quite obviously makes it almost impossible for him view the situation with clarity. He’s only human. We don’t make the best decisions when we are grieving and heartbroken. You’ve given him no room or time to come to terms with any of this. Clearly the best thing for the children is an end to the current situation and for both parents to be able to adequately house them. Your husband needs to get his head around this, and maybe the only way to achieve it is for him to move out, but I can understand why he’s having difficulty thinking clearly when he’s under so much strain and you are conducting your new relationship under his nose. It’s very cruel.

@Outlyingtrout

I’m honestly heartbroken I’ve upset him but more so my son - I should have sat on this realisation until the children were adults 100% and I hold my hands up to that.

I don’t think anybody thinks that. I don’t think you think that. Of course you shouldn’t have stayed until the kids were adults. Marriages break down all the time. Your mistake, and the thing that is probably causing the problems you are currently facing, was to enter into a new relationship before you made any practical arrangements to leave your marriage. Telling your husband it’s over is step one, not the whole thing done and dusted. You should have made sure you had agreements in place for the house, childcare, finances etc and were no longer living with your husband before you started up a new relationship. All the woe-is-me “I should have just stayed forever and pretended to be straight and never been happy” is just a way for you to avoid thinking about and accepting responsibility for the actual mistakes you made. Until you can do that, it’s unlikely you can salvage anything amicable with your husband. And given that you are expecting him to move out of his home of 20 years, sacrificing at least half (more, realistically) of his time with his children, and negotiate an outcome that benefits you as well as the children and himself, you need his goodwill. The way you’ve treated him and continue to treat him quite obviously makes it almost impossible for him view the situation with clarity. He’s only human. We don’t make the best decisions when we are grieving and heartbroken. You’ve given him no room or time to come to terms with any of this. Clearly the best thing for the children is an end to the current situation and for both parents to be able to adequately house them. Your husband needs to get his head around this, and maybe the only way to achieve it is for him to move out, but I can understand why he’s having difficulty thinking clearly when he’s under so much strain and you are conducting your new relationship under his nose. It’s very cruel.

I don't think OP actually thinks that at all, I think the OP is trying to pull on some heart strings by repeatedly telling us what an awful person she is, but knowing exactly what she is doing.

I don't understand how the OPs son is so severe he cannot go to any childminder? The way she describes him here, he does not sound that way?

I think the OP just wants to work as little as she can and have the husband move out so she can carry on with her affair partner. Doesn't look like your husband is enabling that for you and good for him.

Get a full-time job, or failing that, move into shared accommodation or a homeless hostel. That is what people do when needs must. Evidently your needs are not must if you are unwilling to consider anything

@Outlyingtrout

But if am understanding, the husband is not accepting 50/50 care. It doesn't sound like the OP is rejecting the idea of 50/50 care.

If you are separating from your spouse & insisting on having 100% care, then that really leaves separated under same roof as your only option.

If you only have one option, it's not really a choice.

The OP has had an affair, not committed a crime.

Would he be this way if there was no affair & the marriage ended for another reason? It's entirely possible that he still would be using the kids the way he seems to be now.

Ultimately I feel sorry for the OP feeling trapped & hope things improve for her before the kids get too much older.

You read posters here who are very upset when they turn 18 & their parents split up. Often kids feel a big burden that they had an unhappy home life & their parents say it was "all for them". That's a big weight for a child to bear.

The OP would ultimately likely be a much happier person & parent if she felt able to leave & start her new authentic life.

How has the husband unilaterally decided to keep her in the house? It's what she wanted. She at the very least wanted to stay in the house and for him to accept that they are not in a relationship with each other. This buys herself time to sort herself out financially and get a job. The OP has already admitted that she can't afford to move out.

As for the others complaining about posters being harsh haven't really experienced life. No. It's the other way round. We have experienced life, being on the receiving end of selfish behaviour, being used and abused by people who only see their own feelings and want everything to be of their benefit only.

If the sexes were reversed, I suspect the reaction on here would be very different. The double standards are really amazing.

I agree with the last post.
I honestly though told him right at the start because I didn’t know this was going to be the end result.
I loved ( and still love ) him and told him I felt confused because I was but had every intention of having no contact with her and hoped very much that doula be enough and the feelings would fade and everything would remain normal.
Had I thought it would amount to this I think I would have said nothing until I had means to leave.
I have made very wrong choices and I honestly feel terrible and want to put them right.
The main reason I’ve never had it in me to beg for forgiveness and plead with him to come back is because this has been so hard on him and the children that I just couldn’t bear to do it all to them again down the line in 5/10 years if I can’t keep up the pretence.
I should have really evaluated my feelings as a teenager and having overbearing religious and judgmental parents is no reason but I had already let them down in their small minded opinion as my first boyfriend was black and all hell broke lose so I think I just buried anything out of what they deemed normal and broke away from them as quickly as I could but I didn’t stop to really think.
I’ve made a complete mess of my children’s stability and I feel like this thread had made me see how painful it is for him and I just want to fix it but I can’t and that’s a terrible feeling.

@smoko I completely agree with a lot of that. But I think it's a tall order to tell your spouse you're gay (which is so traumatic, having seen it in my family) and then begin your new relationship within just a few months (but in reality straight away, because this is the person you've already been telling your spouse you have feelings for) all whilst remaining in the family home and scooting off for dates and meeting up for sex while they watch the kids, and then to expect them to be in any kind of state to be making sound decisions. It's emotional torture.

In the vast majority of cases where someone leaves a marriage to begin a relationship with someone else, that person will move out and at least their spouse has some distance to get their head around things. This is an unusual situation. I get that the OP can't magic up money or a relative to stay with, but she didn't need to throw petrol on the fire by moving on in the way she has.

It's a very sad situation for all involved but I'm afraid I do think the OP has made it 100 times worse than it needed to be.

It’s because I knew there was no quick end in sight and actually weirdly as it sounds, after the 6 months of no contact with her but after having counselling and realising I’m gay he was amazingly supporting and when I cried and begged him to let me try and not be, it was him who said this would be no good for my mental health or the children’s.
It was months after all of that in which I met up with her again and what started him wondering if I was seeing someone and obviously knowing that was likely her as I hadn’t been going out etc so couldn’t have met anyone else.
I shouldn’t have done any of this in hindsight because I didn’t have the means to do it fairly, although I think even if I use the means for a like for like house he would make it very hard as is adamant never to be away from the children so I imagine our son would have stayed with him but our daughter with me so everyone would have lost out with they posh too and that’s possibly why he doesn’t want that to happen.

As I see it the issues are these;
Not thinking but acting on emotions,
Not thinking of any practical solution,
Not using common-sense.
You can't help your emotions, but you won't solve any issue by acting on them or by not thinking through what the consequences of your emotions might mean for others. And your common-sense really should enable you to understand that your husband isn't just going to roll over and help you do exactly what you want. You have no practical solution to any of the issues.
You both need to think of your kids and an exit strategy for you. BUT you are the one who has set all of this in motion with no idea where you were going, both figuratively and metaphorically.