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Original poster

Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

456 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 14:25

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 15:44

moofolk
Can I ask how you managed it all practically?

OP posts:
itlod · 08/12/2021 16:57

@WorriedWilma123

I’m not dictating what happens with the children! His job means he couldn’t do the wrap around care like I do so by one of us leaving he would go down to evenings on days he’s home before 9/10pm and weekends and he doesn’t want that, hence why we are trying to cohabit.
Plenty of couples (both couples that are together and couples who have split and are co-parenting), don't have the luxury of one of them working around school hours and use childcare.

Why is it you think you deserve this lifestyle that so many can't afford?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 17:14

Because we have no family to help with childcare so by the time we paid for breakfast and afterschool care along with holiday care we would be worse off than now

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 08/12/2021 17:25

@WorriedWilma123 Not if you had a full-time job though surely?

I really sympathise with you because it's such a shit situation, but realistically there is no answer except you either have to stay stuck together like this or you need to change your job to bring in more money, but which means you'll need to use some childcare - but the cost should be split between you and DH if that happens, it's not just on you to pay.

itlod · 08/12/2021 17:29

@WorriedWilma123

Because we have no family to help with childcare so by the time we paid for breakfast and afterschool care along with holiday care we would be worse off than now
That is the reality for so many families tbh - this is the real world.

You seem to think you should be financially supported by someone you are no longer in love with and are leaving heartbroken. You don't seem to understand this isn't your right to demand

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 17:30

A full time job would be eaten up in childcare until our son gets to an age / maturity level to make his own way to and from school and be able to be left in the holidays.
We are very remote so travel to the nearest town would cost a lot as I have no car:
It is a mess and I know I’ve made it and things can change financially but just not anytime soon.

OP posts:
WouldBeGood · 08/12/2021 17:31

This is just exactly the same situation as any divorce due to infidelity, or anything else. It’s not special because you’re gay. You’ll just need to split everything like everyone else does, and have to work more to pay for it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 17:34

@WouldBeGood

This is just exactly the same situation as any divorce due to infidelity, or anything else. It’s not special because you’re gay. You’ll just need to split everything like everyone else does, and have to work more to pay for it.
This, really.

It sucks but it's life and it's what many families do in order to survive.

LittleMysSister · 08/12/2021 17:51

@WorriedWilma123

A full time job would be eaten up in childcare until our son gets to an age / maturity level to make his own way to and from school and be able to be left in the holidays. We are very remote so travel to the nearest town would cost a lot as I have no car: It is a mess and I know I’ve made it and things can change financially but just not anytime soon.
I do get it but I think this is the case for most people who split when they have young kids? A lot of money is eaten up in childcare until the child is old enough to be more independent.

But the cost wouldn't be entirely born by you - realistically it sounds like your ex would need to move to a cheaper property, you would need to go full-time to enable you to rent somewhere, and then you would split the childcare costs between you. If he can't take 50/50 care, then your ex would also owe you an amount of child maintenance each month.

Charley50 · 08/12/2021 17:51

@WorriedWilma123

A full time job would be eaten up in childcare until our son gets to an age / maturity level to make his own way to and from school and be able to be left in the holidays. We are very remote so travel to the nearest town would cost a lot as I have no car: It is a mess and I know I’ve made it and things can change financially but just not anytime soon.
Why is your rent so high if you live somewhere remote? I thought remote would be cheap? Can you buy a cheap runaround car to get to the nearest town? Borrow the money?

FWIW I think you need to get finances sorted (benefits to top up rent, CMS(?), and move very near your ex, with the kids. It will sort itself out in the end, but at the moment you're just prolonging the agony.

Blossom64265 · 08/12/2021 17:53

Perhaps the entire household could move to two new flats. The total rent would likely be more, but perhaps not as much as this current place plus an additional one. Plus you could select someplace with better access to transportation.

If you have no particular family ties locally, have the two of you considered relocating to somewhere cheaper? Just because you don’t plan to live together doesn’t mean you can’t move to the same new city and even secure housing very close to one another for your children’s benefit. Yes that would mean new jobs and new schools, but it might be just what your family needs to reboot.

It’s time for radical solutions. You can’t keep hoping for something to magically happen, you have to make it happen.

itlod · 08/12/2021 19:10

Why should OPs ex have to move. If he can afford the family home on his own and wants to stay there that's his choice

There are 2 options:

  1. He has 50/50 contact and will either be responsible for childcare costs during 'his time' or change his working pattern to provide childcare himself OR
  2. has less than 50/50 contact in which case he will pay CMS to OP

if he does one of these, he doesn't owe OP anything else at all and she isn't 'owed' a particular lifestyle funded by her exP just because she's gay

chilliplant634 · 08/12/2021 20:37

I'm sorry OP, but you come across as really entitled.

Agree with the other PPs regarding emotional affair and betrayal. You seem to want to keep all the perks of being together, I.e. being able to work around school hours and holidays, staying in nice house ( this is only possible right now because you are supporting each other as a couple) but also wanting the advantages of splitting up i.e independence to date who you want blah blah.

You don't want to bother to try and work full time and support yourself, because it is more difficult. So you would rather just try and claim benefits.

You have to understand that this cannot be done without huge disruption and upheaval for the children and also to yourself. You cant expect to have the same lifestyle you do now after the split.

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to move. Why should his life be turned upside down for you?

I think you need to suck it up. If you want to split, then leave the home and the kids with your husband. Get a full time job and support yourself. Yes most of your money will go on childcare. Yes you won't get to be around your kids as much. But that's the road you have gone down. How do you think other people manage?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 21:14

I’ve never come across a mother leaving her children behind and I’ve seen many break ups, some the woman’s fault, some the mans fault and some with no fault but the woman always has the children.

OP posts:
MillicentSpinning · 08/12/2021 21:15

Have sent you a DM @WorriedWilma123

WouldBeGood · 08/12/2021 21:16

So, you think you should be able to have an affair, quit your marriage, but keep your house, children, and lifestyle because you’re a woman?

The mind boggles.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 08/12/2021 21:26

That's not a good thing. A lot of women, like me, would love men to take more responsibility for their children after a relationship breakdown.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 21:35

No I’m not saying that although I’m tired of saying this wasn’t an affair.
Usually because the man earns more due to the woman doing the bulk of the childcare then the man typically moves out because they can afford to and then woman can’t.

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 08/12/2021 21:41

OP everyone here can see it's an affair so I imagine everyone in your private life will see it that way too. The more you deny it and try to minimise your behaviour the harder it will be for your husband and kids to here.

Autumndays123 · 08/12/2021 21:41

Heal**

weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 22:23

@WorriedWilma123

I’ve never come across a mother leaving her children behind and I’ve seen many break ups, some the woman’s fault, some the mans fault and some with no fault but the woman always has the children.
It's actually more common to be a 50/50 Custody split tbh
weddingdilemmma · 08/12/2021 22:27

Usually because the man earns more due to the woman doing the bulk of the childcare then the man typically moves out because they can afford to and then woman can’t.

But if he moved out, you couldn't afford the rent? Or do you mean he should move out and continue to pay the rent?

You've already said it's an expensive property so surely if you're the one struggling financially it makes sense for you to rent somewhere cheaper?

Can you imagine a woman posting here saying he husband has been having an EA with another man, is now in a full blown relationship with him but wants her to either continue living together as one big happy family, or better still for her to move out and leave him with the property and kids?

Seadad · 08/12/2021 22:27

OP - when your spouse is out spending time with a person they have feelings for, which grows into love, while being married to you and 'confused' - it's an affair. I don't think you have a full picture of the emotional torture you will have caused, possibly because you feel your newly found true love to be purifying and a greater good (this isn't uncommon in straight couples who run off to be together- because love). I think that's why you're not seeing it as an affair and why your getting a hard time, because posters don't agree that the purity of feelings excuses the pain caused.
In truth there are no winners here are there?
But a start might be to express a genuine apology for what has unfolded, and a desire to make amends as best you can.

It seems obvious that you need to separate and arrange for 50/50 custody and residential arrangements that best fit the different needs of all involved.

It happens - people fall in love with other people when they are already married - esp if the marriage wasn't based on a deep love (commitment, passions and intimacy). But it leaves scars for all involved. There is no painless solution, but there are more and less painful options and you won't get everything you want.

WouldBeGood · 08/12/2021 22:30

Maybe just take a step back and look at yourself and the situation.

Outlyingtrout · 08/12/2021 22:34

@WorriedWilma123

No I’m not saying that although I’m tired of saying this wasn’t an affair. Usually because the man earns more due to the woman doing the bulk of the childcare then the man typically moves out because they can afford to and then woman can’t.
But you must be comparing your situation to couples who own their own home which is therefore a marital asset. Or where the woman can remain in the rented family home because she can afford to pay the rent on her own. That’s not the reality of your situation. If your husband can afford to support the kids and cover childcare costs 50% of the time (or support them for less time and then pay you maintenance based on him having less contact, if that’s the arrangement you reach) and cover the rent by himself then he has no need to move out if he wants to stay put. Regardless, you cannot remain in the house unless your income drastically increases, because you can’t afford to cover the rent by yourself and he is under no obligation to pay it for you.

You need to find a full time job that will allow you to rent somewhere - even it’s smaller and in a cheaper area - and use childcare on your contact days and in school holidays. You will probably be eligible for UC and help with childcare costs. If you have the children for more than 50% of the time then you will also receive some maintenance from your husband. If you cannot afford to rent anywhere suitable at all then I imagine you would need to contact the council.

If you wanted to stay in your current home or keep working school hours and term time only then that would have relied upon your husband being vastly more generous than he is obligated to be. But I’m afraid that you’ve probably kissed goodbye to any goodwill that may have been otherwise forthcoming.