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Original poster

Leaving married life with a husband and 2 children to be gay - incredible guilt

456 replies

WorriedWilma123 · 07/12/2021 14:25

So this has been going on for the last year or so - husband has been well aware of me being very confused.
I felt the only thing I could do was leave the marriage so as not to be completely selfish however my husband has taken this all very badly and my son who is 10 is really struggling with seeing his dad upset or angry about the whole situation.
He wants us to cohabit until the children are much older as he is a very devoted dad who has never spent much time away from them and I’m happy to do this if it’s the best thing for the children but I can’t shake this terrible guilt.
The saddest thing is I do really love my husband, I have the upmost respect for him and couldn’t have asked for a better dad to the kids - I just didn’t know I was gay and now have created a massive mess.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 08/12/2021 14:23

Have you got any legal advice in the last 12 months?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:24

If I had a car I would sleep in it.
It was his car so he rightly took me off the insurance when the split was agreed.
So the only way not to lose my children is to find an imaginary person to stay with so that he doesn’t have to see me being gay but I return to “ his “ house every morning to walk the children to school and then walk them
Back to “ his “ house after school, do their dinner and put them to bed and then head off when he gets home from work even though he won’t have even seen the kids.
And then the same the next day - and the next.
I don’t see who is benefiting from that.

OP posts:
Blossom64265 · 08/12/2021 14:26

You have had a year to figure out your financial situation. A year where your husband is clearly willing to be spending time with the children. Why are you not working a 2nd job evenings and weekends when he is available for child care?

LittleMysSister · 08/12/2021 14:26

OP I think the bottom line is that something needs to change in order for you to be able to afford a place.

Realistically you need to move to full-time work. If you're going to properly separate and your husband have 50/50 with the children, then he needs to change his hours too to accommodate some of the care of your son, in particular.

You can't just stay living together under these conditions, and if you rent the house then there's no reason why your husband can't stay there if he's the only one who can afford the rent currently.

In your shoes I'd be staying with whoever I could so that we were properly separated.

smoko · 08/12/2021 14:27

@Outlyingtrout OP also seems to be avoiding answering such Qs like:

  • Is the son's ADHD for which he cannot go to childcare actually being medicated?
  • Has she filed for divorce or sought legal advice? If not, why not?
  • Has she looked for more affordable flatshare/houseshare options?

Also unless am mistaken this whole stalemate over who leaves the rental is actually because it's a council house - neither wants to give up the rights to the council house (I live in one too so no judgement).

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:28

Legal advice was to not leave the home as he is unable to provide day to day care for the children.
To cohabit if no other option.
One solicitor recently said to claim universal credit as a single person but to ensure it was clear another adult lives here but is only liable for half of the rent / bills / shopping - I didn’t actually know this was possible or I would have done this a year ago, but I contacted them after hearing for the millionth time that he shouldn’t be paying my half of anything even though he won’t help with childcare so I can increase my hours.
I could easily work through the holidays at holiday clubs to top up my wages but he says he doesn’t have enough leave to facilitate that after his 2 holidays per year.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 08/12/2021 14:28

@WorriedWilma123

If I had a car I would sleep in it. It was his car so he rightly took me off the insurance when the split was agreed. So the only way not to lose my children is to find an imaginary person to stay with so that he doesn’t have to see me being gay but I return to “ his “ house every morning to walk the children to school and then walk them Back to “ his “ house after school, do their dinner and put them to bed and then head off when he gets home from work even though he won’t have even seen the kids. And then the same the next day - and the next. I don’t see who is benefiting from that.
But what is your answer then OP?

You need to find a way to move out, it's the only way to move forward. And if your husband wants more than weekends with his children then he needs to make some changes that enable him to do schools runs etc and in turn enables you to work more.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:30

It’s not a council house.
It’s privately rented and the rent is sky high hence even though he has a decent wage, nothing is left at the end of the month which is why my wages are also completely eaten up by day to day living expenses.

OP posts:
smoko · 08/12/2021 14:30

@WorriedWilma123 OMG OP well then just save up a bit, buy a car & sleep in it.

Love van life - though in your bitterly cold UK winters, you'd want to be well equipped for it

Or do you think he should give you the car as well?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:31

He works 1/3 weekends and has a Monday and Tuesday off that week or a Thursday / Friday.
His shifts have always made it impossible for any additional work even when we were happily married but just struggling for money as we have no family nearby to help with childcare.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:32

OMG save up?
I would love to do that but I have NO MONEY.

OP posts:
smoko · 08/12/2021 14:33

"Find an imaginary person to stay with"

Have you not heard of Gumtree or FB flatshare groups? You must have some UK app or website for houseshares.

There you will find your imaginary person is actually many real people looking for housemates.

I'm tapping out, feel OP is being deliberately obtuse at this point.

Best of luck with your new lesbian life OP & sorry for mixing up some info earlier.

Autumndays123 · 08/12/2021 14:34

It looks like your options are

  1. he moves out willingly
  2. you move to a flat share/hostel or anywhere else

The situation you have now in toxic to your children. Cheating does not make someone a bad parent, but this behaviour and creating an unstable environment unfortunately does.

Autumndays123 · 08/12/2021 14:40

Anyone else find it strange that the OP started by saying how lovely her DH was, couldn't ask for a better father etc etc and because she is quite rightly being told she is 100% in the wrong, she is doing her best to describe him as some horrible controlling person who rarely sees his children?

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:40

Ok I’m going to leave this thread now too.
I’ll look into practical solutions further.
Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:41

I’ve never said he rarely sees his children, he is a lovely father but unable to provide the day to day care because of his job.
As I said it’s well paid but in this area the high rent eats up most of it but we had to move here for his job.

OP posts:
Sparkleboots · 08/12/2021 14:46

OP I’m where you are in terms of realising I’m gay when I’m older, married and with dc.
I feel dreadful too.
I had some therapy for something else and that’s when I had this huge realisation. I don’t understand how I didn’t realise before but I was brought up in a conservative, religious family and I think I’ve always realised it wouldn’t be acceptable.
I don’t want to be gay.
I find it hugely upsetting that my choices are ruin everyone’s life or keep having sex that makes me feel like I’m being violated.
However - that’s where I am. I would like to think people might have some sympathy in terms of appreciating it isn’t just a sex thing, it’s part of who we are. Threads like this make me think maybe not. People are saying that because we have come to this realisation so late we should lose our children, our homes, our lives. God, if it’s not shit enough being gay now we lose everything.
I have seriously considered taking my own life numerous times because none of the options that are available feel possible. I’m just drifting along, taking mediation, self-harming because it’s better for my children. I’m stuck.
Sorry - that probably didn’t help. But you aren’t alone. There are lots of us out there.

loislovesstewie · 08/12/2021 14:47

I did ask a long time ago what the OP thought would happen when she told her husband about being gay etc. It seemed pretty obvious to me that the marriage was over at that point and I can't get my head around what she really thought would happen. I mean being gay, not bisexual, means no more sex with her husband so no hope of having a sex life with him. He isn't, realistically, going to want to continue, is he ?
I just can't understand why, instead of speaking to him like he is a friend and a shoulder to cry on she didn't understand he was going to be hurt/angry/distraught because he is her husband. Really the best thing to have done would have been to start thinking about practicalities prior to having that conversation with him, not think about it a year later.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 14:48

@WorriedWilma123

So you all think I should just pretend not to be gay, stay with a man when I’m attracted to women and live like that until when? The kids are older or forever? Honestly?
Wtf?! Barely anyone has said you should stay with him! They've almost unanimously said you cannot continue to live under the same roof.

Why are you acting as if people have all said to stay with him when that's simply not the case?

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 14:50

@WorriedWilma123

He works 1/3 weekends and has a Monday and Tuesday off that week or a Thursday / Friday. His shifts have always made it impossible for any additional work even when we were happily married but just struggling for money as we have no family nearby to help with childcare.
Can you do overtime at your work? Do you work overtime on the weekdays when he's not working and he can do childcare those days? And he has the kids on the weekends when he doesn't work.

Or he finds a more family friendly job.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 14:53

Find an imaginary person to stay with

You mean like the very well known (and much more affordable than sole renting) option of a house share? Which many people have suggested on this thread?

You're being disingenuous now and pretending very realistic options simply don't exist.

Outlyingtrout · 08/12/2021 14:55

so that he doesn’t have to see me being gay

This is such an odd way for someone to speak about their sexuality. “Being gay” doesn’t mean “being in a relationship with someone of the same sex”. If you’re gay then you are gay all the time, not just when you are in a relationship or physically with your partner in a romantic situation. It’s quite obvious that his real issue is probably seeing you flaunt your new relationship under his nose, not your sexuality itself (although I’m sure that presents a lot of difficulty for him to get his head around).

in this area the high rent eats up most of it but we had to move here for his job.

Maybe one way to try and encourage him to talk about the practicalities of how you will both provide homes and stability for the children would be to point out that you would possibly need to move further away to achieve this given that it’s his job that requires living in an expensive area. Although given living in your current location has enabled you to meet your new girlfriend I imagine you have your own reasons for wanting to stay in the area now so it would be most unfair to blame the requirement for high rent charges solely on your husband at this point.

Original poster
WorriedWilma123 · 08/12/2021 14:55

I’m sorry sparkleboots.
I’m really sorry for anyone on either side going through this.
I wish I had answers too but I don’t - I hope you can find peace and happiness in a way that doesn’t destroy you or your husband and children.

I didn’t have any practical way out which I why I was honest with him.
I am honestly so upset about all of this and this thread had really hit it home that I should have totally expected his reaction to be this.
At times he was so understanding that I thought we could get through it and be friends even but I realise now that was wrong of me to expect him to be able to do that.
Thank you for all your replies and I’m sorry I’ve upset people along the way who have been hurt in a similar way.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 08/12/2021 14:56

He either needs to take on some care of the kids or he needs to give you some CM to do it, which would help you afford a place.

There is no other way!

moofolk · 08/12/2021 15:15

Haven't RTFT so apologies if I've missed anything.

I did something similar. He was devastated and it was hard for a while but now we get on really well.

Do what you need to do.

Good luck.