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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
notacooldad · 09/12/2021 10:50

unfortunately this is what a lot of men are like nowadays
A lot of men have always been like this!

Allsortsofroses · 09/12/2021 10:50

@NdujaWannaDance

No doubt his lack of integrity contributed to him ending up divorced and breaking up his family (in its previous form).

Jesus. That's a bit of a leap.

Not really, look at his judgement & integrity.

No doubt ppl will latch onto "civil became like mates divorces" but the reality is most divorces are not like that, and the vast majority of married women with kids do not divorce good partners. Usually they're driven to it.

The majority of divorces are instigated by women, usually due to their husband's unreasonable behaviour and often infidelity.

I'd out a tidy sum on him being divorced because he fkdup his marriage.

Look at his behaviour 6 years later, imagine what he was like in his 30s and 40s!

Notwithittoday · 09/12/2021 10:54

It’s probably more your behaviour that’s put him off. As wrong as it is, most men, particularly the arseholes, just think you’re desperate when you ask them out and sleep with them without any sort of investment on their part. Learn lessons, work on your self esteem, don’t chase, don’t sleep with men who you aren’t dating ( not because it’s wrong, but because it’s clearly wrong for you and damaging to your self esteem) and see if you can move departments / jobs because you don’t need this in your life

beastlyslumber · 09/12/2021 11:08

@supercali77

Where is anyone saying that anyone is entitled to a relationship after sex? This argument comes and goes on MN whenever someone gets ghosted after sex. It isn't about feeling you're owed a relationship but simply - adult and transparent communication and not being a flipping weirdo who acts like nothing happened at all and just stops communicating. Instead of suggesting OP gets counselling maybe 50 year old men who can't manage a simple straightforward text after shagging an employee should seek help
This. No one, including the OP, has said she's entitled to a relationship. Some posters are so invested in defending males that they wilfully miss the point, over and over again.
TheRigatonini · 09/12/2021 11:27

This. No one, including the OP, has said she's entitled to a relationship. Some posters are so invested in defending males that they wilfully miss the point, over and over again.

Yep. Straw man.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 11:34

He should've have taken her up on the drunk offer, and shouldn't have shagged her. She's patently vulnerable abd someone with integrity wouldn't have gone there

I think it’s clear he realised he made a terrible mistake and should not have taken her up on the drink or sex, at some point over the three days. Yes she is clearly very vulnerable but it is not so clear he fully understood just how vulnerable and what he was getting into. I strongly suspect if he realised how precarious she was he would not have got involved.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2021 11:40

But the OP did say she hoped the 'relationship' would go further. She messaged him with that after she left his house.

That doesn't mean she felt 'entitled'. But it does mean she was already emotionally invested and 'hoped' for more.

Let's not cause a row over the words 'entitled to' and 'hoped for'.

In all honesty is makes me cringe to hear how someone - be it man or woman, boss or no boss, whatever- would message someone so soon and show they wanted things to progress.

It's far too soon, far too scary, for most people.

Ciaobaby92 · 09/12/2021 11:42

@NdujaWannaDance

an explanation as to why he slept with me and dropped me

He doesn't have to explain. You aren't entitled to an explanation. Nobody is.

If you'd been in an actual relationship with him for several weeks or months before the sex, and then he ghosted you after having sex for the first time, then maybe, yes. But if you are going to jump into bed with someone first and then try to form a relationship on the back of that, then there is always going to be an element of risk that it won't go the way you want it to. If someone is just not feeling it after sleeping with you then they are entitled to back away if it doesn't feel right for them.

When someone has consensual sex with you it is not an unspoken contract that a relationship will surely follow.

I wish people would RTFT. Her very first post establishes they DID have a relationship for weeks leading up to this. They also had a manager/subordinate relationship and he should not have gone there but of course he did and I bet it's not the first time.
Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 11:49

They didn’t have a romantic relationship for goodness sake. You write like they were boyfriend and girlfriend, they were simply flirting and chatting. To call that a relationship is really stretching it.

supercali77 · 09/12/2021 11:49

@JinglingHellsBells yeah hoping is different to feeling entitled, the reason I was being pedantic about that is that one is hugely inappropriate where the other is quite normal after sleeping with someone you fancy.

I think it depends re. Saying you're interested in more afterwards. 2 people who are really into each other and not particularly coy would both love to hear that from the other I imagine. Someone youre not interested in comes over as 'too much'. Its the context every time.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 12:00

[quote supercali77]@JinglingHellsBells yeah hoping is different to feeling entitled, the reason I was being pedantic about that is that one is hugely inappropriate where the other is quite normal after sleeping with someone you fancy.

I think it depends re. Saying you're interested in more afterwards. 2 people who are really into each other and not particularly coy would both love to hear that from the other I imagine. Someone youre not interested in comes over as 'too much'. Its the context every time.[/quote]
I don’t disagree with you but I do think there were likely signs there the op didn’t see, it’s very unusual to spend three full days and then he simply responds to her text saying she wants more with “I’m busy” and then ignores her good morning text the next morning.

Possibly as she was so far in her loved up bubble she didn’t see it. Few people are such good actors they could spend that amount of time with someone and then flip as soon as they left. His text back indicates frustration and an element of “please, please just leave me alone for gods sake” . So likely there were signs she was ignoring as she was so happy.

backtolifebacktoreality · 09/12/2021 12:01

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the fact that you messaged him on the way home saying you want it to 'go somewhere' has probably frightened him off at such an early stage!

TheRigatonini · 09/12/2021 12:02

In all honesty is makes me cringe to hear how someone - be it man or woman, boss or no boss, whatever- would message someone so soon and show they wanted things to progress.

I do agree with this.

OP I’m sure we’ve all been there at some point so do not fret over it ! – but this is definitely something I’d be mindful of next time. Always good to keep your cards close to your chest in the initial stages, as communicating a desire for a LT relationship from the outset is a lot of pressure and can nip otherwise promising liaisons in the bud. People don’t want to lead others on or commit to more than they’re certain they want.

Like I say though – I think most people have been there at some point, and sometimes we all misread the room and jump the gun a bit. I think coming directly out of a marriage we can probably but a bit out of practice with it all too!

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 12:05

Her very first post establishes they DID have a relationship for weeks leading up to this.

I meant an established, romantic relationship. A regular dating situation where lots of time has been spent together in person, that hadn't yet progressed to full sex, but with some physical intimacy at least. I would have thought that was obvious.

I realise it's quite unusual these days to be dating someone regularly for weeks or months before you sleep with them, but what I meant was, in that situation, where you'd already established that you had fairly strong mutual feelings for one another before the sex, it would be entirely reasonable to want some kind of explanation for him ghosting her or just acting a bit detached and distant , immediately after sex was had.

Bu that wasn't the OPs situation. What she had was a friendship at work which progressed to involve texting outside of work, things eventually became intimate only in the sense that they talked a lot and he seemed very interested in her. Then she went to bed with him.

That's not yet a 'relationship' in the sense I was referring to.

Ciaobaby92 · 09/12/2021 12:15

@Bluntness100

They didn’t have a romantic relationship for goodness sake. You write like they were boyfriend and girlfriend, they were simply flirting and chatting. To call that a relationship is really stretching it.
Bluntness, you are entitled to your opinion on the matter as am I. In my opinion when a man shows an interest in a woman personally and contacts her frequently with care and compliments than it is not out of line to classify that as a relationship beyond just "jumping into the sack".

As I pointed out before, you have long established form for misogynistic behaviour and I have also seen you been flat out wrong about many situations yet you always just disappear without even an apology for your incorrect assumptions and unhelpful behavior. So your POV does not impress me, sorry.

That being said I think OP has gotten plenty of helpful insite and feedback on the matter and I wish her the best. I hope he gets fired as he richly deserves to. It's very odd how you completely ignore the fact he is her manager and not some random bloke.

Bouledeneige · 09/12/2021 12:17

I feel for you OP. It is disappointing. But maybe just take this as a lesson that you learn from. I personally wouldn't stay with someone for 3 days that I just met. It would feel a bit too much - it's easier to get to know someone gradually in smaller doses so you don't get fed up of each other. Are you sure he wanted you to stay that long? Maybe next time with a new guy leave him wanting more and don't give so much away. The keen texts could really scare people off.

Allsortsofroses · 09/12/2021 12:24

@Bluntness100

He should've have taken her up on the drunk offer, and shouldn't have shagged her. She's patently vulnerable abd someone with integrity wouldn't have gone there

I think it’s clear he realised he made a terrible mistake and should not have taken her up on the drink or sex, at some point over the three days. Yes she is clearly very vulnerable but it is not so clear he fully understood just how vulnerable and what he was getting into. I strongly suspect if he realised how precarious she was he would not have got involved.

I strongly suspect otherwise.

His dick seems to do his thinking for him.

Can't turn down a one on one social invite and later sex from a vulnerable subordinate when when clearly should have.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/12/2021 12:35

@beastlyslumber

It's not about OP being a victim or not. It's about how to deal with the fallout of this situation. Both of them should have known better, but the manager should have taken responsibility. Because he is, literally, responsible for OP, professionally speaking. He is paid to oversee her at work.

Sooo I slept with my boss. One night stand, we were on a work trip so spent the next couple of days together. Expected nothing other than a few days where work was a bit easier and I could get away with more. It was fine, worked for me. He took advantage of me maybe as much as I did him but in all honesty, I probably got the better end of the deal.

This is horribly manipulative and certainly doesn't suggest you have any insight into OP's situation. Quite the opposite.

I agree 💯

I cannot understand how posters keep conflating the inappropriateness of her manager's behaviour with 'all women are victims if they have a fling with a coworker'.

Thad not what's being said. At all.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/12/2021 12:37

some posters feel if a man has sex with you, even if you made the first move you are entitled to a relationship if you wish one, because of it, and if you do not get one then they need to explain themselves to you and apologise for it. And even then he is still a cunt in the wrong.

What posters Bluntness?

Because I haven't seen that narrative here, at all.

baileys6904 · 09/12/2021 13:10

Absolutely it was manipulative. I manipulated the situation. I wasn't a victim. People are assuming the OP is the victim. She slept with someone she fancied. That's what she wanted. The only reason she is now unhappy and decided the work relationship has anything to do with it is now it didn't go well. Can bet your bottom dollar she wouldn't give a shit about the work but if they'd carried on seeing each other.

Iwonder08 · 09/12/2021 13:29

Come on OP, take it as one for experience and don't victimise yourself. It is not healthy. You initiated drinks and sex, you had a good time. He didn't use his position of power to coerce you into doing any of it. You thought it is a start of relationship and he hasn't. You haven't discussed any of that before you had sex, but only after so he got scared and just withdrew. A decent man would have a dignity to turn you down, but he is obviously not a Knight in shinning armour. But he is also not a controlling bastard who tricked a vulnerable girl into sex. Own it and move on

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 13:38

@baileys6904

Absolutely it was manipulative. I manipulated the situation. I wasn't a victim. People are assuming the OP is the victim. She slept with someone she fancied. That's what she wanted. The only reason she is now unhappy and decided the work relationship has anything to do with it is now it didn't go well. Can bet your bottom dollar she wouldn't give a shit about the work but if they'd carried on seeing each other.
Totally,,she’s only pissed because he doesn’t want to see her again and hasn’t told her why he doesn’t want a relationship with her. If he had wanted to see her again she’d be incredibly happy.

The op made the first move, she wanted to get together with him, he didn’t promise a relationship and even if he had, he’s allowed to change his mind, Christ people get divorced with less upset than some folks are showing over the fact this man didn’t wish to continue.

MidnightMeltdown · 09/12/2021 13:44

@baileys6904

Absolutely it was manipulative. I manipulated the situation. I wasn't a victim. People are assuming the OP is the victim. She slept with someone she fancied. That's what she wanted. The only reason she is now unhappy and decided the work relationship has anything to do with it is now it didn't go well. Can bet your bottom dollar she wouldn't give a shit about the work but if they'd carried on seeing each other.

That it utterly vile. Your manager sounds worse than OPs. Granting people special favours or privileges in return for sex is not ok, and totally unfair on your colleagues. It's not something that I would be broadcasting if I were you.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2021 13:46

@Ciaobaby92 Of course they didn't have a relationship. Give your head a wobble if you think a few flirty texts means it's a relationship Hmm

And if you persist in singling out @Bluntness100 and referring to her 'form' and what you consider IN YOUR OPINION the errors of her posts, you will find your posts deleted as MN takes a dim view of personal attacks.

Ciao! Enjoy your day.

HaggisBurger · 09/12/2021 13:46

@Allsortsofroses

He's a presumably single, divorced, professional man (probably with minimal.child responsibility compared to his ex), he should exercise his sexual needs/inclinations with the many prospects he nk doubt has on the dating scene and elsewhere; instead of snagging v obviously vulnerable subordinate employees he's managing.

There's something not right with his thinking & moral compass.

Er … are you ok hun?