‘What I can't get my head around (and what a lot of PPs seem to be ignoring) is that this was a bit more than an office flirtation that let to a quick sh*g.’
But it wasn't though - that's the thing. An office flirtation that led to a quick shag (albeit spread over two or three days) is exactly what it was, and all it was. It's crushing when things like that don't go your way. It's humiliating but it's normal. It happens to most of us at least once.
They don’t seem to be ignoring, they definitely are ignoring the details and nuances of the situation
But there aren't any nuances. They had a friendship of sorts spread out over a period of months that was purely office based, it never progressed outside of work beyond texting. The texting then increased and became more personal and flirty in nature. It's not somehow different and more meaningful than a million other office flirtations that briefly move to the next level before one party loses interest. The OP seems to think it is different, but it's not. Perhaps she's just naive and inexperienced after coming out of a marriage and needs to revise her expectations.
The tone and language of some of the posts on this thread is just cruel and the misogyny and obvious pleasure taken in instructing OP what she has done wrong and how she is and isn’t allowed to feel now is absolutely pathetic in it’s desperation.
What purpose would it serve the OP if we all queued up to say what an absolute shit he was? How he must have planned it that way all along just for the kicks, how he obviously had no integrity, took advantage when she was vulnerable, was a player, a cliche, blah blah. For a start, we have no idea if it's true. It might be, but even if it is, we are doing her a favour by telling her she needs to chalk it up to experience. Not encouraging her to see herself as the victim of a cad and a liar who 'tricked her' or took advantage of her while she was feeling vulnerable. Don't we have more agency than that, for goodness sake? She's a divorced 39 year old, not a 17 year old virgin.
We've all been through it at some point. It's a case of what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Have some diginity and move on.
The best thing you could do OP is stop all non-essential communication but continue to speak to him politely and breezily as though nothing has happened. Be more detached, but not so detached that he knows he's got to you. If he is a player, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he is occupying so much headspace.
As has been pointed out on this thread, women and men are both entitled to sleep with someone or in some other way get more intimate with them, and then upon reflection, realise that taking it further is not what they want. Unless they have already spent a significant amount of time together then they shouldn't have to explain why. Honestly, as bewildering and humilating as having someone go all cool on you is, who would really prefer them to contact you with a run-down of all the reasons why you won't be going through to the next round? Detailed explanations are what you give when you've been sleeping with someone for a solid six months, not a matter of days.
As humilating as it is if you are the one left feeling rejected, no-one owes you anything more at this stage.
Who wants to spend a weekend or two dates or a ONS with someone and then hear 'Thanks, but I don't think I'll be doing it again because quite honestly......
You have a pretty face but once your clothes were off I wasn't that into your body.
You talk too much.
You are sexy as hell but really boring/thick.
I didn't like the way you spoke to the waiting staff when we went for dinner.
I didn't like that you didn't even offer to go Dutch over dinner, even though you were the one that suggested dinner.
You have terrible table manners and chew with your mouth open.
Your personal hygiene isn't great and I didn't realise until I slept with you.
Your feet gross me out. I didn't know that until I saw you naked.
You have an annoying laugh.
You are way too needy. You texted me three times the day after we first had sex, even though I told you I was at my brother's wedding /Nan's funeral and would be busy all day.
I don't like the way you talk about how all your exes are toxic. I'm not going there just for you to tell everyone I'm toxic when we break up.
You are a bit self absorbed and shallow.
You seem like a crashing snob.
You started talking about introducing me to your kids and your parents already, when we cuddling after shag 2. Woah there!
I got the impression you were far too interested in how much I earned.
You swear too much. I don't like casual swearing.
I've realised you have terrible grammar and it really grates on me. It would be wrong of me to expect you to change that about yourself for me, so there is no point persuing this.
Seriously, If someone said anything like that to you after the briefest of flings or just one or two dates you'd think they were rude, cruel and a bit nuts.
And is a polite but vague 'Sorry, you are a nice girl but this isn't going to work for me, so I won't be seeing you again' really any better for our feelings than 'Sorry I didn't answer your five messages, I'm really busy and stressed with work at the moment so it's best if we leave it.'
We all know it means the same thing. Why make someone spell it out?