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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 09/12/2021 14:05

@whatdoidonow11

It sounds ridiculous and weird, but I keep thinking about the weekend we had and how nice it was. I do need to reframe it.
If you want to reframe it just reframe it for what it was, a nice weekend. You'll have others probably, you may be the one to think that was nice but no thanks. Don't be a victim blaming him for what was a nice weekend.

Workplace relationships can be problematic, I met my OH through my brother but we did both work at the same place. He was a lot senior to me but we didn't work together or in the same area of work.

Your team leader may be backing off for the reasons that some have given, he was/is your team leader and that could open lots of issues for HR.

Onthedunes · 09/12/2021 14:50

@Ciaobaby92

I think you are being unfair to Bluntness, whilst I do not agree all the time with Blunt, your post is harsh.
She is entitled to her view, a view which I actually agree with in this case.

I don't often say this but it does sound as there is some projection going on here with you.

From what I can see, the op started the new job and was under her manager who she was instantly attracted to. Her marriage then suffered, who knows why but during time off they continued to speak and communicate.
He was divorced, the flirting and emotional connection was there all year, sleeping together was not unexpected but his stating that they should only go for a drink as professionals should have been her red flag, it meant he wasn't as sure as the op.

No he shouldn't have gone there, they obviously wanted different things from this weekend of sex and comfort but I honestly think op saw what she wanted to see.

A knight in shining amour to overcome, escape marriage troubles or an exit relationship.
The manager may have fancied her, may have enjoyed the chase but he is allowed to change his mind and terminate whatever was going on.

He maybe a sleaze, or he maybe a nice guy who just decided they were incompatable, his career should not be ruined by two people who were having consensual sex.

I think op is surprisd he did not want her for a long term relationship.
I'm sorry op but I think everyone in life comes across un requited love, it's not nice, it hurts but it's not illegal.

supercali77 · 09/12/2021 16:23

@Bluntness100 I dunno. I was dating for 3 years before I met my fella and lemme say, some men (i wouldn't know about women) can give excellent game in person and then do a total switcheroo over text. Its utterly baffling. There was one bloke who id seen a few times, we were intimate etc. And I'd said look, im only interested in a relationship not fwb. Anyway he makes a big song and dance to see me again...while he was in my flat I was a bit like 'Jesus has this man fallen hard for me or something ' he seemed totally enamoured. After he left I didnt hear from him for 3 days 😂 I mean. Baffling honestly. After he finally got in touch I respectfully ended things and blocked him. Point being. Sometimes there's no clues. No hints. They're just excellent in person, in the moment charmers

Ticksallboxes · 09/12/2021 16:29

After he left I didn't hear from him for 3 days 😂 I mean.

@supercali77** at first I thought you were joking! It wouldn't bother me at all if I didn't hear from someone for three days at the start. I'd be glad to have the space to reflect!

supercali77 · 09/12/2021 16:34

@Ticksallboxes are you currently single? Ita a bit odd in the currently dating culture to wait so long, most men didn't in my experience. I guess it depends on the person but for me a man leaving my home after a shag, I expect a 'it was lovely to see you' at the very least by the next day. If not...theres plenty of men who will. And its the kind of comms I prefer

Ticksallboxes · 09/12/2021 16:47

@supercali77 no I've been married for years actually (and have never OLD) so maybe it's different now.

I met my now DH at a party - he was drunk and kept trying to snog me. I kept him off but really fancied him so asked him back to my flat for a drink afterwards, and he left an hour later, still no snog!

He was going on holiday with friends for a week a couple of days later and I didn't hear from him until a phone call about five days into the holiday.

In those five days of waiting though I fell harder than I ever have - it was so much more exciting than having a guy say "What are you doing tomorrow" when you're getting ready to leave after first sleeping with them. There's no bigger passion killer IME.

Ciaobaby92 · 09/12/2021 17:05

[quote Onthedunes]@Ciaobaby92

I think you are being unfair to Bluntness, whilst I do not agree all the time with Blunt, your post is harsh.
She is entitled to her view, a view which I actually agree with in this case.

I don't often say this but it does sound as there is some projection going on here with you.

From what I can see, the op started the new job and was under her manager who she was instantly attracted to. Her marriage then suffered, who knows why but during time off they continued to speak and communicate.
He was divorced, the flirting and emotional connection was there all year, sleeping together was not unexpected but his stating that they should only go for a drink as professionals should have been her red flag, it meant he wasn't as sure as the op.

No he shouldn't have gone there, they obviously wanted different things from this weekend of sex and comfort but I honestly think op saw what she wanted to see.

A knight in shining amour to overcome, escape marriage troubles or an exit relationship.
The manager may have fancied her, may have enjoyed the chase but he is allowed to change his mind and terminate whatever was going on.

He maybe a sleaze, or he maybe a nice guy who just decided they were incompatable, his career should not be ruined by two people who were having consensual sex.

I think op is surprisd he did not want her for a long term relationship.
I'm sorry op but I think everyone in life comes across un requited love, it's not nice, it hurts but it's not illegal.[/quote]
Yes I do think I've been in a very bad mood. I am sorry if that's how I come across. I can see how it's unfair. I do, however, still believe op's boss is a jerk.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 09/12/2021 17:09

No doubt his lack of integrity contributed to him ending up divorced and breaking up his family (in its previous form).

WTAF?!

Tee20x · 09/12/2021 17:11

@TooBigForMyBoots

You should do what he has done: accept it was a mistake, forget about it and keep your professional life professional.

You and he had consensual sex. You are not his victim.

This.

Haven't read the full thread but I wouldn't be leaving my job over something like this.

supercali77 · 09/12/2021 17:16

@Ticksallboxes yeah I remeber those days and they were a lot less neurotic. These days you've got their social media/WhatsApp etc before you've even smooched😂 point being several days 15 years ago for a call was considered normal and these days its pretty unusual and would just be read as disinterest by many.

Ubiquery · 09/12/2021 17:25

You were invited on to some training. Is there an email with you accepting? Is there an email acknowledging this?

I wouldn’t say an invitation meant I was on some trainings.

baileys6904 · 09/12/2021 17:46

@midnightmeltdown I can't decide if you're just hilarious or pious as hell. I was in my twenties and loving life. I don't lead with it on my CV. If that's the worst mistake I make in life, I'm doing ok

BTW why was I not allowed to shag who I wanted for a reason I wanted? If he hadn't been my boss I'd have still fancied him.

shinynewapple21 · 09/12/2021 18:36

@Allsortsofroses

"Decent men don't generally end up divorced."

"Most divorces are men who are dickheads (and often cheaters) being divorced by their unfortunate wives."

"The fact he's a 50 yr old divorce already tells you a lot about him. Kids involved too by the sounds of it. "

"
No doubt his lack of integrity contributed to him ending up divorced and breaking up his family (in its previous form). "*

I have quoted from two of your posts @Allsortsofroses. These are appalling sexist generalisations. Projecting like this takes away from any sensible advice which you may otherwise be able to give . And is in no way helpful to the OP. Do you think that a woman who is looking for a relationship in midlife should be on the lookout for a man without a previous relationship?

Onthedunes · 09/12/2021 19:06

Do you think that a woman who is looking for a relationship in midlife should be on the lookout for a man without a previous relationship?

No but it does definitely gets decidedly harder.
There are so many more reasons why a man or woman may not want to get involved in a serious relationship.

It's not going to be like teenagers with gay abandon is it. Usually you are more realistic to how relationships may not pan out in the way you would like as you become older, add to the mix this man is ten years older, even more variables to take into account.

Op's attitude seems quite immature to me and not very realistic.

GroovesintheHeart · 09/12/2021 20:18

@whatdoidonow11

Hi, my manager set up the training. It was a senior colleague delivering it. The response I got yesterday, seemed to imply that I would be better off doing it next week - and he asked if I was ok.. I'm not sure, maybe he's giving me a bit of breathing space given what's happened? I honestly don't know. Either way I'm ok doing the training next week

He's been divorced 6 years so it's not a new thing. However I'm newly single

You said this in the first post I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced
Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 22:37

Op's attitude seems quite immature to me and not very realistic

It does sound a bit Disney fairy tale, the while staying for three days, sleeping in each other’s arms, texting to say she hoped it would be serious just after leaving. His feelings don’t seem to be relevant, more he wa there just to go along with the fantasy.

Onthedunes · 09/12/2021 23:09

Off on a tangent here...

I think sometimes when younger women become attracted to older men, they believe there is some pay off, that their youth commands attention and adoration, quite often instantly.

There is a confidence that the man must somehow, should be more grateful than someone their own age. There seems to be no recognition that older men have a choice and are not the walkover that younger women think.

You sound shocked that he wasn't interested.

Lookingoutside · 10/12/2021 00:38

‘ What I can't get my head around (and what a lot of PPs seem to be ignoring) is that this was a bit more than an office flirtation that let to a quick sh*g.’

I can get my head around it. People absolutely lose their shit on here when a woman is upset after being treated the way the OP has described.

They don’t seem to be ignoring, they definitely are ignoring the details and nuances of the situation because they are frothing at the mouth in their desperate rush to pile on the agony and make OP feel worse.

The tone and language of some of the posts on this thread is just cruel and the misogyny and obvious pleasure taken in instructing OP what she has done wrong and how she is and isn’t allowed to feel now is absolutely pathetic in it’s desperation.

Some of you sound bored, and very angry and/or frustrated about something.

Lookingoutside · 10/12/2021 00:42

Onthedunes

‘Off on a tangent here...

I think sometimes when younger women become attracted to older men, they believe there is some pay off, that their youth commands attention and adoration, quite often instantly.

There is a confidence that the man must somehow, should be more grateful than someone their own age. There seems to be no recognition that older men have a choice and are not the walkover that younger women think.

You sound shocked that he wasn't interested.’

Talk of the devil etc.

So we’re still not done being cunts to the OP yet?

Labellex · 10/12/2021 01:03

I’m so sorry OP some men literally love the chase and once they get what they want they drop off, I’ve met my fair share of men over the years who have treated me like a girlfriend when I’m with them only to switch it up and go cold.. it’s nothing to do with YOU it’s just that some men are always after the next challenge.
Don’t text him again AT ALL even if he texts you. Keep it strictly professional at work, emails only. You said you have recently divorced spend some time focusing on yourself and doing what makes you happy, you don’t need a man who can’t even send a text.

TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 01:29

@Lookingoutside

‘ What I can't get my head around (and what a lot of PPs seem to be ignoring) is that this was a bit more than an office flirtation that let to a quick sh*g.’

I can get my head around it. People absolutely lose their shit on here when a woman is upset after being treated the way the OP has described.

They don’t seem to be ignoring, they definitely are ignoring the details and nuances of the situation because they are frothing at the mouth in their desperate rush to pile on the agony and make OP feel worse.

The tone and language of some of the posts on this thread is just cruel and the misogyny and obvious pleasure taken in instructing OP what she has done wrong and how she is and isn’t allowed to feel now is absolutely pathetic in it’s desperation.

Some of you sound bored, and very angry and/or frustrated about something.

Spot on.
repottingthescabious · 10/12/2021 01:36

@whatdoidonow11

I could possibly go back to my previous employer who told me that their door is open for me if I ever wanted to return. It would mean a cut in pay though and I'm not sure I could manage financially
yes, do this as soon as if not yesterday
dogmandu · 10/12/2021 06:08

It's interesting that you said in your op that he's recently divorced and now you come out with he's been divorced for 6 years so which is it?
These little points all make a difference to your story.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 10/12/2021 07:38

Little update, yesterday he messaged me on the work instant messenger about something work related. He then told me I'm doing well in my job and that he thinks I'm 'great'. We haven't messaged each other on what's app or text.
I feel like I'm going to be over analysing everything from now on.

If he was cringing he wouldn't ask me if I'm ok or tell me I'm great, would he?

Maybe I could leave it until the new year and send a brief message. I do think that if I'd met him on a dating app I would just leave things, but I just feel so weird about everything..... do we draw a line under it or pick it up again at some point? I kind of want to ask but don't want to make things worse

It's WFH if you can from Monday but he will still be attending the office, apparently.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/12/2021 07:49

But if he was ina dating app he would have totally
Ghosted !

I’d see this as a peace message , and that’s no bad thing
And do NOT message him on anything 🍆 😁 related

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