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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Gonnagetgoing · 10/12/2021 10:21

@girlmom21

Focus on dating outside outside work.

I don't actually think OP is ready for this as she felt like 3 days with someone was long enough to say she could really see their relationship going somewhere and wanting to book a short break.

OP spend some time alone and learn to enjoy your own company.

A relationship should improve your life, not be your life.

@girlmom21 - this is exactly what I advised her (amongst others!).

Wise words from you and I like them.

I've also advised others (as it has helped me in the past) - it is so good for everyone sometimes to not be in a relationship and be happy in your own skin without relying on another person. It can be hard and scary to do this, but once you do, it can open the doors in time to you meeting another person, and not being so emotionally dependent on them either!

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 10/12/2021 10:26

Sorry I should clarify. I did not want to book any short break! I meant go somewhere as in, things develop .. I know! Makes no difference really. I'm just cringing more and more regardless

OP posts:
Allsortsofroses · 10/12/2021 10:30

@girlmom21

Focus on dating outside outside work.

I don't actually think OP is ready for this as she felt like 3 days with someone was long enough to say she could really see their relationship going somewhere and wanting to book a short break.

OP spend some time alone and learn to enjoy your own company.

A relationship should improve your life, not be your life.

True, ideally op should take a break from dating end of; but if she doesn't (human nature being what it is), she needs to date outside work.

She needs stability and simplicity in her work, not messy sexual and romantic entanglements; which can often not go the way someone wants.

Ij this case, with him apparently moving back to work messaging only, and using platitudes like "ithink you're great" (sounds more like a platitude than an indication of any feeling/intention of continuing any involvement) ... it's just causing op hurt, stress etc.

And of work colleagues find out, it won't do op any favours professionally either.

TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 10:30

What do you have planned for the weekend OP?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 10/12/2021 10:31

@TheRigatonini I am actually booked to go to Spain tomorrow morning! I have tests arranged but I'm a bit apprehensive due to this new variant. I'm debating whether to just go... it's 20 degrees over there.

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 10:32

@whatdoidonow11

Sorry I should clarify. I did not want to book any short break! I meant go somewhere as in, things develop .. I know! Makes no difference really. I'm just cringing more and more regardless
Nah don’t sweat it. Just put it down to experience and move on.
TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 10:33

[quote whatdoidonow11]@TheRigatonini I am actually booked to go to Spain tomorrow morning! I have tests arranged but I'm a bit apprehensive due to this new variant. I'm debating whether to just go... it's 20 degrees over there.

[/quote]
Definitely go! That sounds lush and like the perfect tonic. Which part of Spain is it?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 10/12/2021 10:35

Apparently he's in work all week next week - it will not be anything to do with me, but I'd prefer if he wasn't in all week, also with respect to covid guidance on wfh from Monday

It might even be to do with a Christmas get together the team had planned.

I want to call in sick. I don't think I can do this.... I think I'm going to have to say something before next week if I know he's going to be in.

Or is he coming in just to make me feel uncomfortable?

I'm going to try and stop thinking. It feels impossible and I'm very anxious. I feel like I've been left hanging!

I'm going to try and have a nice weekend.

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 10/12/2021 10:37

@whatdoidonow11

Sorry I should clarify. I did not want to book any short break! I meant go somewhere as in, things develop .. I know! Makes no difference really. I'm just cringing more and more regardless
Now you are here....

Have you taken on board any of the comments and advice?

You have had pages of advice but your responses don't show you are engaging with it at all.

You said in your first post you'd had MH issues around your break up and took time of work. That's fairly extreme, although I appreciate people cope with splits differently.

Did you access professional help for your MH issues then?

I assume if you were signed off work that your GP was involved and did have some kind of therapy/input.

Can you access that again?

If you have no friends at all to talk to, you are very isolated and vulnerable. A good friend with whom you could chat to over this would help.

Can you say why you have no one in RL to talk to?

That in itself puts a huge pressure on any guy you may meet. it means he has to fill a huge void in your life.

You say you are cringing. Well, stop feeling full of self pity and try to start making plans to make your life better.

How can you do that?

girlmom21 · 10/12/2021 10:37

You haven't been left hanging. He's made it very clear. There's no relationship between you.

Go and enjoy your weekend and walk into the office on Monday with your head held high. Act professionally and don't second guess anything he says and does.

You wouldn't want to be with a man that unreliable anyway.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/12/2021 10:39

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Bluntness100 · 10/12/2021 10:44

How long are you going to Spain for, is next week is a concern.

Hesheweeshe · 10/12/2021 10:47

I think you probably do need to get yourself signed off sick and try and recharge and reset. It looks likely you are struggling to engage with work as you have been on and off SM all morning and I'm almost certain thats not allowed during working hours.

JinglingHellsBells · 10/12/2021 10:48

Oh wow!

I'd missed the Spain bit. How lovely. I have a friend there now and it's very warm.

Where are you going? and who with?

TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 10:50

@whatdoidonow11

Apparently he's in work all week next week - it will not be anything to do with me, but I'd prefer if he wasn't in all week, also with respect to covid guidance on wfh from Monday

It might even be to do with a Christmas get together the team had planned.

I want to call in sick. I don't think I can do this.... I think I'm going to have to say something before next week if I know he's going to be in.

Or is he coming in just to make me feel uncomfortable?

I'm going to try and stop thinking. It feels impossible and I'm very anxious. I feel like I've been left hanging!

I'm going to try and have a nice weekend.

Good idea OP – honestly, I think a change of scene will freshen you up after a long week put things into perspective.

I think WFH can be unhelpful sometimes in that you can end up mulling over and ruminating on things as you’re sat around without colleagues to bounce off. I definitely do it!! Even if it’s just mulling over an email or wondering why someone wrote something a certain way.

Don’t worry about seeing him at work - yeah it might be uncomfortable but you’ll be fine - be as professional and breezy as you can and remember that at some point soon this will all have blown over.

Weekend in Spain sounds lush!

JinglingHellsBells · 10/12/2021 10:51

@Hesheweeshe

I think you probably do need to get yourself signed off sick and try and recharge and reset. It looks likely you are struggling to engage with work as you have been on and off SM all morning and I'm almost certain thats not allowed during working hours.
she can't get signed off if she has a trip planned for Spain tomorrow! Grin
HaggisBurger · 10/12/2021 10:51

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TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 10:51

as you have been on and off SM all morning and I'm almost certain thats not allowed during working hours.

Seriously 😂😂😂

Puzzledandpissedoff · 10/12/2021 10:54

do we draw a line under it or pick it up again at some point?

Pick what up again, when there clearly isn't anythoing to pick up?

I kind of want to ask but don't want to make things worse

As I said before it was always obvious you're going to continue messaging him, but please don't be surprised if this turns into him approaching HR to get you off his back

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 10/12/2021 10:58

I'm going for a few days, back Monday, back at work Tuesday. Thanks for the advice and replies. I'll bow out now.

OP posts:
Derbee · 10/12/2021 10:58

@whatdoidonow11

I can't help but take it personally. If he was a random I really wouldn't be that bothered. But I hoped my manager would have the decency, I trusted him in a way. I think it would be less awkward if he'd been honest rather than ghost
It’s not personal, OP. He would have slept with any one who pursued him, because it was easy. He also probably doesn’t want to be involved with someone at work, and isn’t emotionally capable enough to wrap things up properly. It’s all about him, it’s not about you.

Don’t contact him to other than for work purposes. Don’t get angry or upset. Don’t involved HR for goodness sake.

Take the lesson, and don’t sleep with a manager as it almost never works out. If things get too awkward, you may need to find a new job, but don’t rush into anything. Keep your head up and be professional

Bluntness100 · 10/12/2021 10:59

[quote HaggisBurger]@whatdoidonow11 I’m really confused. You’re booked to go to Spain tomorrow? So surely you have annual leave booked for some or all of next week?
So why the talk of calling in sick? And when you were talking about the rescheduling of the training you didn’t mention imminent annual leave at all …

Plus you haven’t addressed the “recently divorced” “actually 6 years divorced” thing. Im starting to think you’re spinning a yarn here[/quote]
Well yes that’s what I was thinking. If she’s going to Spain tomorrow it would be unlikely she’d be in the office all week. Ain’t no one going and back the next day,

TheRigatonini · 10/12/2021 11:00

@whatdoidonow11

I'm going for a few days, back Monday, back at work Tuesday. Thanks for the advice and replies. I'll bow out now.
Don’t blame you OP! You get some very entitled people on these threads. Have fun!
Bluntness100 · 10/12/2021 11:00

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dogmandu · 10/12/2021 11:02

honestly op this is getting so bizarre I'm wondering if you're just falling off the chair laughing at all the responses and that this is not a serious thread at all?

Apologies if I'm wrong but I'm looking for a logical update from you and some indication that you've understood the advice.