Revenge on the OW

[Revengeisbittersweet]

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.

Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

I have had similar happen to me OP but we had just split up.

Random woman phoned me up one night saying she had been with my husband for 12 months so there was quite a significant over lap.. I listened to what she said and believed her, actually ended up feeling sorry for her as she said she loved him, she had fell for him and he had ghosted her blah blah. But then it actually turned out they had only been seeing each other six weeks. She shot herself in the foot too.

I did message her back and tell her what I thought.

People speak of 'dignity' but sometimes its good to just think 'fuck that' and get those thoughts out of your head.

Your revenge is her wanting and being rejected by your husband.
I'm sorry you're hurting

The dignity thing is not about NOT reacting. You have reacted. You've split up, made your new life, been open with your friends etc. That's adult and reacting with dignity. And as you said - why shouldn't a woman react?

Getting revenge shows her she won. Depending on what you do you may appear to be shallow, nasty, vindictive. You may not care. Depends what sort of person you are. It might might also backfire - you never know.

Why do women always have to default to being dignified and classy and compliant. I'm not suggesting that you go and kick her head in, it's just frustrating that the answers are always to just keep our dignity when men we date are horrible, when we get ghosted, cheated on, when people post on here because they've found out someone that they know is being cheated on they're often told to say nothing.

When my DH cheated on me, everyone knew and said nothing. Cowards. I wanted to message everyone telling them to go fuck themselves, and then do something justifiably awful to the OW and especially to (now ex)H. But then I would have had barely any friends, and would have been the crazy, scorned ex wife 🙄 because we always have to be dignified. Now and again I daydream about finding out OW is engaged and telling her husband to be a few days before the wedding what she did. But I would be too scared of getting in trouble.

I totally understand why you feel like that.

BUT the fact you split up, and he was available and he didn't go to her is revenge enough.

If you ever see her you could mention that with a head tilt and tinkly laugh. Perhaps add that sex is important to him and he wouldn't want a relationship with someone who he said wasn't good at it

I'm a bitch though so maybe just think it don't say it

I definitely think that the lack of reaction you gave her was indeed your revenge. She sounds as though she wanted a big drama and your calmness will have confused her.

You still think of her because she crapped on your life. Obv exh did as well, but they are both responsible. She knew he was married, she certainly bears 50% of the responsibility for shagging him. He bears the other 50%. People who say only the H is responsible have no concept of humanity IMO. We do own responsibility to those we can’t see/don’t know.

Looking at the other grown up comments though, I do think silence is power

What could you actually do that’s going to make you feel better? Everyone knows she made a load of shit up, everyone knows he rejected her. She’s already had her comeuppance through that social embarrassment. Shouting at her, kicking off, whatever - none of it will make anyone think less of her but it might make them think a lot less of you. These kind of things never actually improve your life, it’s just stirring up unnecessary drama.

Missing the point, thanks for the responses so far ....I'm asking why I can't let it go.

Because she humiliated you and rubbed your nose in the fact that several of your friends knew and didn't tell you. Having been dumped after a ONS with a married man, she couldn't just keep a dignified silence, put it down to experience and move on - she had to have her moment where she got to make you feel as shit as she did.

My question is why did this disclosure end your marriage? You've already said you were on the verge of splitting and you don't really blame him. You've also said that after this he completely changed, stopped drinking, starting being a better husband and you were much happier. So why could you not just dismiss it as the unimportant mistake that it was?

I would have said that the ultimate revenge would be treat her as your ex DH did; as an irrelevant, slightly embarrassing blip at a time when you were on the verge of splitting anyway. Then continue to be happy with your husband right under her nose. Obviously it's too late for that now. You've missed your best chance, so you may as well let it go.

But you have had your revenge already, OP.

He hasn't gone to her after your split - which is evidence if she needed it rubbed in her face that she was never even an option for him. You have been able to move on from him, build a good life for yourself - whereas she has to live with the embarrassment of investing so much into a man who clearly gave zero f**ks about her.

Not sure what else you need. You've have a clean break from ex, clean break from the friend along with the moral high ground against both. Surely you should be happy that you're out of that mess, and happier that for all the problems in your marriage your ex chose to make a life with you, whereas he hasn't even dated her. So I don't know why you can't see this as one big fat massive win. Maybe you do need to talk to someone to deal with the unresolved anger at your ex that is wrongly coming out as anger with her.

Anyway that was really helpful thank you everyone especially the ones who said I'm right 😂😂

Anyway better not say too much more as i'm always conscious threads end up on the daily mail and god how much would she love that if there was a whole newspaper article about how 'obsessed and consumed' i am still about her 😂😂😂

Sorry, not the point, but who swaps email addresses with a ONS?

Sorry, not the point, but who swaps email addresses with a ONS?

I get the impression there was some sort of flirtation or emotional affair going on for a while before the ONS. The OW obviously thought the ONS was cementing a clandestine relationship that had been building up in secret for a while.

The OP's exDH obviously thought the ONS was the nail in the coffin of a clandestine relationship that had been building up for a while, but obviously once everyone had got their kit off, it didn't float his boat after all.

Well I completely get where you’re coming from 😁 I was cheated on 8 years ago now, and even tho I’m well over it, have a new partner, life’s great etc etc, there is still a small hard nugget of me that wishes them both ill. I’ve had many conversations with friends who’ve been through similar, and they are the same. None of us have ever acted on it tho.
Why do we still feel that way? I have no idea. Some primal possessiveness? The kind of thing that starts obsession and stalking if you let it? I simply acknowledge the feeling when it comes now, indulge in a wee bit of revenge fantasy then move on. It’s happening less & less now (& I mean, only ever once or twice a year these days, & there’s usually a trigger) I guess one day I’ll just realise it hasn’t happened for ages & that will be that. But I do understand how you feel-in the early days I raged at people telling me to ‘be dignified’ I wanted to be the ex from hell-but ultimately the dignified route was the best. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Either walk away and move on with your life, or give her a taste of her own medicine. What ever makes you feel better

She shagged your husband and then discussed with anyone that would listen. Then told you an exaggerated version of events deliberately designed to end your marriage. She’s a complete dick and it’s 100% normal to hate her. All of the people saying you should only be mad at your husband are pious nobs. You’ve Divorced him so it’s not like he got away with it.
Obviously you shouldn’t actually seek any revenge but fantasising about realising 200 cockroaches into her apartment might make you feel better.

Really disappointed by the replies here. This woman clearly is having a mental health crisis. People are calling her “unhinged”, “crazy”, “psycho” etc are the reason why mental health problems are so stigmatised. No one who is mentally sound would act like this woman did. Limerence is a real condition and causes a lot of mental anguish for those who suffer from it. This woman clearly has an extreme case if she fabricated elements of the relationship that did not happen and could not get over that it was just a ONS.

OP’s ex-H is the worst for having the affair and replying to her emails afterwards, even if it was just amount mundane holiday details. I don’t doubt that he wasn’t clear to the woman about his intentions. OP’s friends are terrible too.

I’m not saying OP has to forgive this woman and pretend she hasn’t been hurt but obsessing over taking revenge (whether you actually would do it or not) is kicking her when she is down. I really recommend that OP cut contact with everyone involved, not just for her own mental health, but for security reasons as situations like this can easily escalate into stalking. Be thankful OP that you did not confront her as this could have been dangerous.

If it helps you move on, write a long unsent letter whenever you find yourself ruminating but nothing more. Revenge is not worth it and will only cause you to think more obsessively, first planning and then fearing you will be caught. Even if everything goes to plan, your marriage is still over. The sooner you just move on and accept that revenge only works in movies, the better.

@Revengeisbittersweet

Missing the point, thanks for the responses so far ....I'm asking why I can't let it go. I suppose its because it goes against the grain. I am a very strong woman and if someone crosses me they know about it BUT when your cheated on you are wronged massively but society tells me i have to stay quiet and not say anything because i loose my dignity - why do i loose my dignity. Is it because you see it as my fault me husband 'shagged someone else' (i take it you werent attempting to spare my feelings) so i should just get over

Do I want to smash the face in of the woman who tore my family apart? Absolutely? Will I do it? Absolutely not. Does that stop me fantasising about it from time to time? Nope.

Some days I think the best form of revenge is success and happiness and I've been successful in my job and happy (once the dust settled) since it happened. And they cheated on their children and their other halves and damaged the lives of 4 children in the process. Everyone knows their relationship started as an affair and I enjoy the moral high ground. It's nice up here 👋🏻

Other days when I'm skint, tired and stressed bringing up 2 kids on my own (DD1 doesn't see her dad out of choice and DD2 is going the same way), I want to kick them both in the face!

Let your anger process in your mind. It's not healthy to suppress feelings. If I'm feeling particulrlarly angry I sometimes write texts to them both in my notes on my phone telling them how much I despise them and then delete the notes when I've calmed down. No drama and I've got the feelings and thoughts out.

Hope you're ok. It's the worse feeling in the world being dicked on like that xx

@Revengeisbittersweet

Missing the point, thanks for the responses so far ....I'm asking why I can't let it go. I suppose its because it goes against the grain. I am a very strong woman and if someone crosses me they know about it BUT when your cheated on you are wronged massively but society tells me i have to stay quiet and not say anything because i loose my dignity - why do i loose my dignity. Is it because you see it as my fault me husband 'shagged someone else' (i take it you werent attempting to spare my feelings) so i should just get over

Because misogyny is out there alive and kicking. The person who should fully take the blame is your ex husband, and yet frequently all the blame is directed toward the 'other woman', it sounds as though she has already been punished by wanting something she couldn't have, and that your ex husband didn't want.

The best revenge is to live your life. The chances are you would have separated in any case.

Don’t give her the satisfaction.

Silence is the best revenge trust me. You got rid of the trash she wanted so much.

Too late for you, but when the OW rang me to tell me about their relationship I calmly queried which of his girlfriends was speaking - completely put her on the back foot (I had no idea if there were multiple OW). I almost felt sorry for xh as she was clearly going to go ballistic with him. She ended up on her own after her dh chucked her out. Xh went on to have a succession of failed relationships. Real or fake disinterest in what you are being told is definitely the most effective response.

Why do women always have to default to being dignified and classy and compliant.

Because it’s worse for the other person if you remain dignified.

I remember a guy I knew used to cheat on his gf all the time. Whenever she found out she’d go smash the windows on his car, kick off at his work place and try and fight the OW etc. He used to treat her like shit.
Then one time she just stayed quiet and calmly said it was over. He was the one who was then at her door and work, crying and begging for her back promising to never do it again etc.
I’ve seen that many times. It’s worse for them when you don’t kick off as it shows you don’t care.

It also might feel good for about 10mins but actually being negative will eventually drag you down more than if you don’t give your energy to it.

She knows she was bullshitting otherwise she is seriously mentally unwell ( trust me that IS punishment enough. ) So delivering proof her showing her BS will only validate her more and reward her with knowing you are still aggravated

Write a list of all the things that would raise your confidence self esteem/ things that if she heard about would make her really jealous
Personally my list would be
1 run a marathon
2 lose weight
3 bit of Botox / lip filler ( keep secret)
4 write a book
5 publish book
6 learn French
7 have French holiday
8 fuck my personal trainer
9 fuck my french lover
10 win award in my field at work

I’m sorry he/ she / your mutual friends were such so disloyal and cunty , it’s perfectly normal to feel as you do , I’d plan all manner of evil revenges myself ( I’m my head in the middle of the night )

@Totalwasteofpaper

Not what you want to hear but it’s way easier to think she’s a psycho bitch than accept all your friends were betraying you to protect your arsewipe husband.

Really don’t waste your time dreaming up revenge, she is punished enough…

I call BS on this though
Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him
What a load of rubbish…he knew…

This with bells on.