Revenge on the OW

[Revengeisbittersweet]

Now i've name changed for this for obvious reasons.

Back story for you. A while back now during a particularly bad patch in my marriage when my dh and I had all but decided to separate he ended up having a drunken ONS with someone i knew relatively well.

Well unbeknown to me (as he never told me) he realised it was a massive mistake, gave him a massive kick up the arse and he decided he wanted to save our marriage. Again all unbeknown to me. BUT his behaviour from that point changed, he became so much nicer to me, so much more tolerant. He stopped drinking.

Anyway our relationship improved quite a lot and we stayed together, all the while i was oblivious to the ONS. Well it turns out that the OW fell head over limerence with my Dh and spent the following year tearing herself apart and imploding her life because she couldn't understand why he had made her feel there could of been a chance of a relationship only to tell her immediately after that it was a mistake. Now all of this was unbeknown to my DH, he was under the impression that she was on the same page as him and was as desperate as him that i never find out. But she proceeded to involve many of our mutual friends and they spent the following 12 months of dealing with her emotional fallout over it. And helping her to get over it but from all what i've heard she became completely obsessed, convincing herself every innocent interaction they had after was some secret sign of his love.

Anyway it all came to a head and she finally told me the truth. In a rather dramatic disclosure but basically told me they were in love and had had the most intense love affair over the space of 6 months when he broke her heart. She was very detailed in her disclosure and this was where she shot herself in the foot as she listed things and places i had been as the start of there affair and it ended when i was somewhere else (bear in mind the disclosure came over 2 1/2 yrs later). I keep a diary and on going back over it and double checking it with her the two events were only 14 days apart but the affair she claimed went on for months and months. She also threw our mutual friends under the bus saying they all knew and betrayed me. It turns out there were quite a few people who knew - humiliating much! Anyway this was another downfall as everyone said the same story - it was a drunken ONS, my husband was completely guilt ridden after it happened and told her it was a mistake, she lost the plot and convinced herself they were in love and he was tormented by not being able to be with her.

Anyway if you've made it this far congrats . Sadly the disclosure resulted in the end of our marriage, there was no bog fall out. I didn't particularly blame him for the ONS as we were in theory on the verge of splitting and there was a lot of unhappiness at that time. But it was the fact all this was going on afterwards with people we knew all party and i never knew. It was all a big betrayal of truat. ANYWAY HERE IS MY ISSUE.

I never confronted her, i never called out and said it was bullshit, that her dates didn't work out. I just thanked her for telling me. She desperately wanted us to meet but i declined she then sent a really unnecessary message detailing things they'd done in bed and things he'd apparently said about me. It was cruel but i think it was her way of really getting the final kick in for my exDH Who she still claims is her soul mate and has ruined her life.

Anyway i'm over everything else I've moved on, luckily we had no children so it was a relatively swift aplit. I have a great life, great friends etc i'm very lucky, my exH has paid the ultimate price for his mistake but i am somewhat consumed in those quiet moments where i want to kick her arse still, i want her to have a miserable time, i want revenge as she was a friend of sorts and i was only ever nice to her before, during and after. Others have said this will have driven her mad she wanted the drama and my not reacting or responding has really given me the higher ground, i haven't publicly aired my dirty linen. But i still want to get her back?? Why and will this feeling ever go? Or should i dream up some kind of revenge that she can't track back to me so i can finally move on?

My sister used to enjoy making up ways of getting her own back on her now-exH but it just made her more bitter about the whole thing. They just aren’t worth the head space

Don't do it. Keep your dignity intact.

I completely see where you're coming from OP. Your ex got what he deserved and you got to witness it, there's some grim satisfaction in that but it would also be satisfying to see and know that the ow realising her own stupidity.

That's a very human desire. And whilst I agree that doing nothing and living well is both the best revenge and the healthiest thing to do, I don't think your obsessed or unusual for wishing for a more dramatic resolution. There's a reason why soap operas endure - we get the closure we never get in real life.

You're doing the right things, keep doing them and do your best to bat away the thought of this woman whenever she pops up in your mind. It's really difficult but she isn't worth your time.

The time to react would’ve been back then. Now you’ve got rid of the husband and have a great life. Don’t give either of them any more headspace.

Imagine being in her head shock she's tormenting herself (and everyone she's ever met apparently) far more effectively than you ever could.

I completely agree.

It sounds like she genuinely thought it was going to turn into something and I can almost guarantee that he told he loved her and was going to spend the rest of his life with her etc and now she has a broken heart.

Nothing you do or say would make her feel worse than she’s already feeling.
What’s worse for her is you two aren’t together anymore and she still hasn’t got him!

If anything you doing or saying something would work in her favour so just remember that by you not doing anything, is actually doing a lot.

If the break up and revelations are pretty recent it will be raw and you can fantasise revenge as much as you want. It’s normal.

But do you really want to give her the satisfaction and feed into her batshit narrative of? You don’t want to end up in trouble yourself.

So for now pity her desperation to get with your ex who’s completely uninterested in her.

Eventually you will get to a place of indifference. And that’s a good place to be.

my ex h cheated on me so I think i have a little bit of experience (although not the same as you).

I never "raised it" with the OW (who is now married to my ex) although I had opportunity. And ex and i had young kids.

But what has struck me about revenge is that I think it takes and awful lot of energy from YOU. Energy which might give you a bit of a lift/a boost in the immediate after math of the revenge/telling you what you think. But ultimately you are expending your own energy (which is a limited resource) on someone who helped destroy your marriage. Don't give her the satisfaction. Let her spend all her own energy (sounds like she has) but keep your own energy for positive things which you want to do for yourself.

@Salayes

I think not letting go can sometimes be related to feeling you were powerless or you had no choice in a situation - you were just forced to deal with the fallout of someone else’s shit. Sometimes you can feel like you never got your chance to ‘fight back’.

Thing they helped me in a similar betrayal situation was realising I DID have a choice. I could have done lots of things at the time but I chose to walk away and live my life as the best revenge. That’s what you chose to do as well so maybe if you look at it like that you may find it easier to let go.

Also, it strikes me sometimes that i’d still like to go nuclear on the person who betrayed me because in some ways they did get away with hurting me. But that time has passed, if I did anything now i’d be reopening a wound and frankly would be judged for opening that back up. I won’t put myself in that situation.

So it helps sometimes to think of it that way and also yea the non reaction and getting on with your life really does drive people like that crazy as they want the battle, they want the drama, they want a reason to try and make you co-responsible for their shit. Don’t let that happen.

This is excellent advice.

When someone hurts or harms us we want to strike back naturally but often that isn’t something that is within our control and it isn’t even desirable.

Find a way to invest your energy in finding your own happiness. Not in creating unhappiness for someone else even if they deserve it. Don’t waste life and time on grudges. Use it to have fun. But this requires a conscious decision on your part.

So he had a 2 week something or other with her, then slept with her and immediately realised his mistake and dumped her? He's a charmer. I think he's the villain of the piece. She didn't exactly cover herself in glory but he hurt her and you.

These women want to be important. They feed off the drama, it’s our job to not give them anything. Do not feed the beast
This is the best advice.some years ago my ex Dh had a short affair with a woman like this. She was desperate for it to be found out to force the issue (she was also ‘head over heels in limerance’ (fab expression!!!!!!) and let her own volatile ex dh ‘find out’ so he went ballistic snd contacted me to let me know.
I didn’t reply to him (feed the beast) but not obviously had it out with my DH who finished with her but told her I didn’t know.
She went mad with the uncertainty of how so could not know.
But while working things out with DH I was serenely ‘oblivious’. It took all my acting skills but I knew she would suffer more from this than a dramatic scene.
It really was the best revenge.

She lost her mind over this guy he clearly wasn't worth it don't sacrifice your mind over a deranged person and a cheating asshole even if they did get together her mental stability will be compromised because she KNOWS she is second best

You might think I'm crazy but could you try something like hypnotherapy? it might allow you not to think about her/him/ the whole situation so much. As for revenge, I can't really think of anything which would be worth it but where you wouldn't get caught but I don't blame you for wanting to do something!

I hear you OP. I think you want to let her know that you're onto her and her lies.

But it's impossible because you've taken the party line of - it doesn't bother me luv, I was done with him anyway.

It's a tough one.

Nobody says cheated on partners have to stay silent and dignified. In fact the advice on here is usually to give your cheating partner absolute hell at top volume then boot them out, whilst telling anyone within earshot what a cheating git they are.

But nobody advises letting loose against the affair partner, or in this case the one night stand partner, because there's literally nothing to be gained from it. The more emotion you show to them, the more they think you're feeling insecure because of them.

Nobody can stop you of course. But you know it's a bad idea.

Thank you everyone its giving me a boost.

Shall i tell you something else that i find funny now is she was a prolific sm media poster and she loved a quote. And she used to post things like 'your ignorance astounds me' (in hindsight probably directed at me). 'If only you knew, karma is coming' 'Why does a man awaken a womans heart when he has no intention of loving her back' 'A drunk mind speaks the truth' etc etc
I used to sit there and go to my husband omg who the bloody hell is she bleating on about she's making herself look a right despo 😂😂. And he'd sit there saying 'oh god I don't know' while all the time probably sh*tting his pants

Sounds like you've handled it well so far. I did hear somewhere once that someone used their ex's email address on all those sites that require an email address. If that makes sense. Innocent enough but it's brought her sweet revenge happiness many years later. If that floats your boat, but I don't think you'd get much closure from entering her details all the time.

OP, I think it’s perfectly normal to obsess about it all in the early days.
You will eventually stop ruminating over the gritty details especially when your life is full of new people and events.

It’s been 20 years since I split with my ex after discovering his affair. I rarely think about him these days unless a mutual friend mentions him.

Thankfully, I moved away so zero chances of bumping into him and my life is a thousand times better so in a way, I’m actually thankful to the OW. They only had a sex based affair and never actually got it together. I think when it was exposed, it was no longer thrilling for either of them.
Pathetic really.

Sounds like the revenge took care of itself. She sounds like she has suffered terribly because your ex used her for a cheap shag.
At this point I would just pity her.

Hello my OH cheated nearly 10 years ago, but in my case left me for the OW. Many years after the event, I still occasionally Google her (more rarely him) so in answer to your original question, you may never totally "get over" it. But they went on to have a deeply unhappy marriage that ended in very acrimonious divorce. You have to let time heal and with distance you will become more philosophical about the whole thing. You're lucky in the sense that you've already seen her life spectacularly implode so can say "phew, I'm in a much better place/dodged a bullet there" rather than having to wait years for the unhappy aftermath.

I wouldn’t be thrilled that your DH kept himself in her social circle after the ONS and included mutual friends in the deception.

But apart from that, I agree you should let it go. There’s no better ‘revenge’ than throwing away the main she thinks is her soul mate.

Firstly, well done for being so controlled and measured. It's not easy to rise above things when someone is deliberately trying to provoke you.

Secondly, it's perfectly natural to feel a bit frustrated that you never got the chance to have your say, and tell her what you thought of her. It's normal to want to respond and defend yourself when someone attacks you - and verbal attacks are no different. This woman lashed out and said things which were intentionally designed to try and hurt you, and provoke a reaction. You did the right thing by not engaging, but I'm not surprised that there is a lingering wish that you had responded.

Finally, as others have said, the best revenge is living well. This woman wanted a reaction from you. It's sounds like she was hoping for drama and that you'd kick off - which would then send your Ex flying into her arms for sympathy and understanding. By not giving her the reaction it left her nowhere to go. She's left with the knowledge that she's made a public fool of herself by lying, she's ruined her friendship with you, and even though he's now single the man she thinks was her soul mate still doesn't want her. You don't need to tell her what a shitty thing she did - she's already living the consequences.

Try and focus on the fact that everyone knows she was full of bullshit and she made a complete tit of herself with her lies and stories. Plus it sounds like she was really upset over whatever lines your husband fed her, and probably went through a bit of heartbreak when she realised that she her elaborate plans hadn’t got her anything she wanted. It sounds like (from what you replied) you weren’t interested in her or knowing more, you just sorted out what was bad in your life (him) and moved on. As far as she knows you didn’t give her any headspace.

OP,
Checkout 'Chumplady' it was very helpful to me.

Is it because you see it as my fault me husband 'shagged someone else' (i take it you werent attempting to spare my feelings) so i should just get over it

That's ridiculous!

The thing is, most of us DO find it really hard to let things lie.

Your ex-friend couldn't let it lie after your ExH had sex with her - she was consumed.

You are now consumed with a different kind of limerence, of hate and fury - and who can blame you!

The thing is, she made a total fool of herself to all those people who knew. And by not getting together with her when your marriage broke up, your ExH proved her to be living a lie.

It isn't dignified to thrash around in public (like she did) and if you did do something, she would probably put it all round SM or tell all your friends, and you would look like the psycho bitch that SHE is.

You did really well to chuck your ExH out - as you say the ONS was one thing, but expecting that he could regain love and trust and hide it from you - what a dishonest cowardly weasel!

@EdgeOfTheSky i can categorically say i am not consumed